Life…

I can’t believe it’s been so many months since I posted. Chalk it up to never getting around to installing internet at my new house, not wanting to access the blog at the office, not wanting to update the blog on my phone (which is what I had been doing and am doing now), and forgetting to update when I happen to take the laptop to a coffee shop.

Since my last post, life has been eventful. Some of these things are old news but I’m too lazy to read my last few posts from my phone and figure out what I’ve written about already.

– I got a new job.
– I bought a house.
– I dated an emotionally unavailable older man and broke up with him. 
– Cutie moved away.
– My Original FWB and I have become great friends. Sometimes we stay the night together and cuddle in the nude. But we don’t have sex.
– I went to Las Vegas with some girlfriends and drank alcohol for the first time since Christmas 2011. I haven’t been so drunk since my 20s and I haven’t had much to drink since then.
– I fell during a run and fucked up my right hand.
– I dated another guy for a bit and he was too fucked up to continue with.
– I almost went out with a hot 25 year old but he drove me crazy with his immaturity.
– My new car was involved in a hit and run right before Christmas and then was vandalized on New Years Day.
– The Ex came back into my life.
– I’ve made new, awesome friends.
– I discovered a love for gardening.
– My father was found dead in his house on Valentines Day of complications from the flu. He disinherited me. We had been estranged for awhile. I’m still processing this one.
– I got my dog neutered.
– I’ve got SAD really bad this year and I can’t wait for Spring.
– I turned 38.
– At the age of 44 my sister got married to a man she met on the Internet a couple years ago.
– I decided that my life now, my happiness, is better than any relationship, so I’ve pretty much stopped dating.

More to come…

No drama, please

One of the first things I do on the morning of a significant holiday is look back to where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt on the previous year. Last Christmas I had just started seeing Cutie, I was getting out of a funk, and I spent the day drunk at my parents’ house and made an ass of myself. That was my last drink for 11+ months, a streak broken by a trip to Las Vegas with some girlfriends earlier this month.

This Christmas my first Merry Christmas text was from Cutie. I haven’t seen him for months since he moved away but we check in from time to time. I miss him. Also, I did not drink or make an ass of myself. It was quiet and low key. The biggest difference was in the amount of Merry Christmas texts sent and received. And that certainly made the holiday warmer. Also, my older sister recently got married and for the first time since she started seeing this guy (who she met online, by the way), I can see how good they are together. I’m happy for her.

Since the guy who was emotionally unavailable and I split up, I do hear from him often. I do not regret calling things off. I can’t deal with someone else’s relationship drama and doubts. I need someone who is a good place and is healthy. He wanted to keep hanging out and getting to know each other so that when he was ready we could just be together. No thanks!

I met another guy, some brain surgeon (seriously) who might be book smart but certainly cannot manage his interpersonal relationships. I was horrified by his ex-wife and kid situation and couldn’t hide it. There was no way that was going to work.

Then, I decided that what I needed was someone to go out with (and have sex with) but not necessarily to have a relationship with. Since nearly everyone I meet is either not someone I would go out with or if they are of interest to me they are broken, I thought it would be nice to have someone for companionship and sex while I’m looking. Plus, my training schedule is going to be a little intense as I ramp up for a full marathon and my goal – to get hot in 2013.

When an internet guy looking for nothing serious got in touch with me I decided to meet in person. I explained to him that ultimately I want a relationship but it is taking so long that I would like someone to date casually while I’m trying to date seriously. He said it made sense and that he was looking at something casual due to his work schedule. Our meeting was a success and we scheduled a date which also went well. He is pretty smitten and of course that freaks me out a little since we have met only twice. I heard from him after our date that he doesn’t know how I feel about him (sigh) and that he can see this being more than he intended. The conversation was a little awkward. He is overthinking it. I heard from him a little the next day and not at all today. I’m not sure if he is busy and/or not much of a texter or if he is now “scared”. If it is the latter, I’m seriously not interested.  C’mon, we are adults here!

I have seen my Original FWB a few times lately and things are great. He sleeps over in my bed but we don’t have sex or even make out, just cuddle. Weird, I know. But it works. Otherwise, I have been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends and it has been wonderful. I feel lovable and loved.

Merry Christmas!

Older and wiser…that’s me!

So the “great” guy that I was seeing ended up not being so great afterall. Well, I guess it isn’t fair to say that since he was a nice guy, just not emotionally available. As I had guessed somewhat early on, he was recently out of a relationship. It was too much too soon and then as fast as it came on he lost interest. I pretty much knew this was happening and instead of feeling awesome I felt cautious. I never lost myself in the situation. I also never slept with him.

When he went from 60 to 0 in about a week I ended it and then the truth came about the ex and how he thought he was ready but clearly is not. He asked to remain friends and date when he is ready but I said no. Too much drama and I could never trust him.

I’m not pissed because not long ago I was there, too. I’m happy with myself for taking things slow despite his push and for not falling for it. I know he didn’t mean to do it but he also didn’t mean half the shit he said to me. How could he when he had known me for all of one or two weeks?

Even though I am fine with it and I love my life so being alone is certainly not the worst thing to happen, it just goes to show how much dating can suck. Lots of false starts and wasted time. But, as least I have learned when to fold so as not to waste even more time.

Is this the life?

Many years ago when I was in my teens I befriended a woman through one of my hobbies/sports who was older (my age but back then that seemed “older”). She was single and made a decent salary. She owned a little house and had pets. She did what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. She ate what she wanted to eat and she decorated her home the way she liked it. I thought she had the best life. I wanted one just like hers and, well, it looks like I got it.

I remember her often telling me that she was lonely. I didn’t understand at the time. She had a lot of affairs with married men and inappropriate men. Many relationships were purely physical. It looks like I got that part of her life, too.

I still think she had a good thing going but I ran into her somewhat recently and now I’m not so sure. She is a checker at the grocery store and she looks like hell. It turns out she is something of a crazy, single cat lady now. It kinda scared the shit out of me. I don’t want that.

So, I decided to not only close myself from those people who I have no future with but to open myself up to those I do. I already mentioned saying what I needed to say to a few of the men in my life and that was a good move. I met a guy recently and, well, who knows. I’m sick of false starts so I won’t mention him.

Things are good and they are only getting better.

Doing right by me

I find myself often caring more than I should for the men in my life. Caring is fine but can you care for the wrong reasons? I don’t know exactly why I care but I don’t think some of the people I care about care back. They care when they are bored, horny, tired, stressed, or need an ego boost. I, on the other hand, check in when they are sick or down, tell them happy birthday, remind them I care, and am there for them when they need me. I do it because that is what I want and because I believe that is what friends do.

I’m realizing that I am focusing on the wrong friends. I’m giving where I’m not getting. I’m accepting crumbs. I don’t expect the world just something equal to what I give.

I usedbto see someone that I have mentioned here before but I am not going to link to because I am lazy. I have not seen him in years but we keep in touch. He lives 3,000 miles away. He emails me when he is bored and talks about seeing each other but it does not happen. Well he took a job on my side of the country and plans to be here monthly. He assumed we would spend that time together. I told him via email that I would not see him because I can no longer give and not get. He has not gotten my email yet.

Then I decided to tell my Original FWB the same thing. With him it is different because I think it kills my ego that he will sleep with me but not date me yet he dates women who are highly dysfunctional. When he had surgery I checked on him, I ask him about his new job, I help him when he needs it, and yet he can’t be bothered to do the same for me.

If Cutie were still in town I would do the same with him. I’m so supportive of him and so caring yet he is never there for me unless he wants something.

I’m just tired of it. And I don’t undersrand it. I thought I was a good catch and I’m not sure exactly how that is not true and I really can’t understand how someone can not appreciate someone’s support and thoughtfulness.

I was dumped again for having my shit together. I don’t quite understand that one either. I thought having your shit together was a good thing?

This is not all bad…I have some amazing girlfriends, a good job, my sweet dogs, a pretty cool house, my health, and lots of other stuff. I just need to be pickier as to who I allow into my life. Sad, really.

Date

Even though I have been socializing like mad I still miss the company of a man. Having my Original FWB over last weekend, the warmth and affection was nice. I miss Cutie quite a bit.

I decided to go on a date with someone who seemed nice but not really my type. We met last night at a dive bar. I found myself liking him more than I thought I would and he seemed somewhat smitten which felt really nice especially since I have put on a little weight and feel kinda icky lately.

We are going out again for dinner tonight and I shamelessly asked him to help me put up some curtains. Hey, I’m a new homeowner and I need all the help I can get! He’s a little alternative and bald. He has earrings. He is no Original FWB or Cutie in terms of looks but I can’t help but like the guy. He is smart and nice.

I have a date on Wednesday, too. I don’t have a great feeling about him but I didn’t think I would like Cutie either for the same reasons and look how that turned out!

On Thursday I have a big work networking thing in the super suite at a basketball game. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I’m hoping to strike up a little small talk and perhaps a date with someone cute.

Huh…

Since searching for, funding, etc. a house by myself and in the process talking to others about their experiences and paying more attention to who amongst my friends are homeowners, I have realized a few things when it comes to single homeowners.

It seems as though my single guy friends with houses buy with the thought that someday they will get into a relationship and the woman will move in with him. So, they purchase larger homes often in the ‘burbs unless they are pretty wealthy and get a place close-in. My single girlfriends who buy are all in their late 30s or early 40s and they purchase small homes close-in. Most have come to the conclusion that they won’t find a relationship and they buy the home for themselves.

My girlfriends who are older and still hopeful tend to be renters thinking they will find a relationship and move in with the guy or get a house together. Some are still saving for that perfect large marital home outside the city where they will sit and wait for Mr. Right to help them fill 3,000 square feet of space and share the $2,000 mortgage. When I tell them about my house they say things like, “When you get in a relationship it will be tough to share such a small bathroom.” Or, “When you get in a relationship he probably won’t like that paint color.”

I will admit, when I decided to look for a house it was only after realizing that there was a possibility of me being single forever and I couldn’t sit around and wait for a relationship to happen. With the lack of quality and character of single men and the unreal expectations they have of women, I have pretty much given up. And that meant it was time to move on with my life…single.

I did not purchase the home with the idea that a man may or may not be in my life at some point. I purchased it assuming I may ne single for the rest of my life. As lonely as that sounds, it isn’t so bad once you come to terms with it. It is liberating, actually, because now I can really move on and just be.

Cutie left today. I didn’t get to see him before he left but I sent him a nice text. I have a feeling that now that I’m not an option for fucking, this is the end of that friendship. Which makes me a little sad but I’m not surprised. That’s how people are anymore. They take everything they can get from you and then throw you away like a piece of trash when they can’t squeeze out anything else from you. Sad world we live in, isn’t it?

Back to reality

So, I closed on the house and got the keys. Had some work done on it while I packed up my apartment, and moved in on Friday. I spent the weekend cleaning, organizing, and unpacking. I had a houseguest which I thought would be a pain but it turned out fine. It was my Original FWB who was back in town and needed a place to crash. It was a little awkward and yeah we had sex once which I regret. But it had been awhile and I convinced myself that I needed it. I didn’t.

The funny thong about suddenly owning my own house — I say suddenly because one day I thought it would be a good idea and then I did it — is that I feel like such an adult now. I am having a tough time dealing with the dating shenanigans and the issues that all these men bring to the table. I feel like it is going to just be me and this little house for a long time. It is hard to explain.

Cutie leaves this week and I won’t see him before he leaves. I’m OK with that but admit that he is taking a lottle piece of my heart with him.

I received an email from a long ago lover last week who may be taking a job locally. That will never work. More shenanigans.

I almost met a really neat guy from OKCupid but decided not to when he revealed that he and his ex-wife still live in the same house. I have my shit together; why would I ever date someone who doesn’t?

The new job is going OK. It requires more than I’ve been able to give over the past couple of weeks. Luckily my boss is empathetic. I have to clean the apartment this week and then my life will get back to normal. I have three social events this week plus a badly needed mani/pedi. It will be nice to do something with some girlfriends that doesn’t involve a cardboard box and stress eating.

Tension Headache

It is difficult to post much these days. I am so incredibly busy! I am still waiting to close on my house. The bad news is that it’s taking forever but the good news is that my awesome mortgage broker is, well, awesome! My “situation” is that the deal I struck with the sellers ended up paying all of my closing costs plus some and that is an issue since they don’t know what to do with the leftover money now. The lenders used to keep it but that is illegal now. So, I wait but at least I’m being rewarded for my patience.

My dog was injured but he is quickly on the mend, thank god. He is a terrible patient!

The new job is going well. It has been three weeks. Time flies! I am hoping to bring in my first deal next week which would make me look like a rockstar and net me more than $10,000 which I could really use at the moment being housepoor and all.

I heard from the last guy that I dated who was a hick. Sniffing around, clearly. Cutie and I still communicate but we both have other things going on. The sex stuff is sort of unimportant right now. My Original FWB and I are still friends, nothing more and nothing less. Otherwise, no dates for me. Right now I am totally okay with that.

Lot’s of awesomeness happening in my life right now. The bad news is that I have put on some weight. I gotta put a kabash on that one! Now!

Life . . .

I started the new job on Monday. I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed with the workload and responsibilities. That being said, I also welcome the challenges and the opportunity to make some serious dough! I’m quite spoiled, I will admit, and I like it. I’m fitting in just fine, seamlessly really, and next week I am heading to my first big client meeting.

The house is still a work in progress. It’s happening slowly but surely. What a headache, really. If I wasn’t already so deep into the process at this point I would seriously be thinking about saying fuck it and renting. It’s such a tedious process.

Cutie popped back up, naturally. He is moving to another state for a position at his company. I think it will be really good for him and get him out of his safety zone. He’s so afraid of change and fearful of the unknown. He’s a really good man with deep-seated issues and I have faith that he can overcome them. Sex talk came up and frankly, I’m not sure I’m feeling it. Part of me says “He’s leaving anyway, just get some now because it’s been too long!” and part of me doesn’t want to bother with it and the aftermath. We’ll see how I feel when the time comes to make the decision.

That guy I was seeing? Well, that’s over. After our last date we met up again the next night because I was in his neck of the woods. We ended up making out though he would have been happy to have sex with me. I didn’t have sex with him because I wasn’t sure I was feeling it for him and though I thought he was nice, I wasn’t hot for him either. He was pretty good at not pushing me. He asked me out for the next night (Friday) but I declined because I was too tired from being out so late the night before.

We ended up spending the day together on Saturday and taking a road trip to the coast. It started out well, but like our first date, he had something like six pints of beer at dinner and ended up acting like a 20-something year old “kid” and being somewhat obnoxious and annoying. I don’t drink (at the moment) so that makes it even worse. I found myself almost asking him if he really needed another beer but didn’t want to nag or be condescending. He was sucking them down as fast as the waitress would bring them. On top of that, while he’s no dummy, he’s certainly not your typical white collar kind of guy. Which is fine. Except he uses weird (hick-like?) language. For instance, “I seen that guy the other day.” and “I knowed that guy from highschool.” What!?!? Overall, he was nice, polite, responsible, made a decent living, etc. but I was starting to get embarrassed by him in public and I knew that allowing him to meet family, friends or colleagues would also be a source of embarrassment. He would also talk a lot about how things would go if we were in a relationship or married which I thought was odd being that we’d just met. He has some old-fashioned ideas when it comes to lifestyles and relationships that I don’t share.

Anyway, he proceeded to get a little beligerent and then we walked down the beach back to his car. On the way he annoyed the shit out of me and embarrassed me. It took some time and then we got to his truck and drove home. He didn’t seem drunk at all, but he was sure tired and it made me nervous all the way back home. I invited him inside my apartment mostly because I was afraid he’d fall asleep at the wheel. I already knew that sex wasn’t on the table because he told me that he can’t get it up if he’s been drinking. He ended up staying the night because he wasn’t feeling well (from the alcohol) and he was too tired to drive.

In the morning I gave him breakfast and then had to go to meet a friend for a hike. I didn’t hear from him too much that day which was fine because at this point I was thinking that I wasn’t all that interested anymore. Since I didn’t hear from him too much on Monday, I assumed I was getting the fade for some reason and was OK with it. This evening as I had dinner with a girlfriend and was telling her about how I had been losing interst in him, I received a text from him.

He said he didn’t think we were a great match because he would end up trying to change things about me that make me the easy going and good person that I am. Then it was all about how he’s probably making a mistake, he’s so sorry, he feels terrible, he’s really mixed-up, and he would stress me out. Yes, he’s 43 and sending this over text. Lame. I’m not sure what he meant. I think it may have been about how he thought it was odd that I wasn’t texting him and calling him like “most girls do” so he never knew how I felt. I think he was insecure. I also believe he was the type to meet someone and be in a relationship that day. He also mentioned that he felt like I was too content being single compared to him, and I agreed that I was pretty happy with the way things were even though I was quite open to a relationship.

Another one bites the dust. But honestly, I’m OK with it. I wasn’t sure about him and I was also pretty upset over the possibility of this life I’m having right now coming to an end. I kinda like it. I am sure I would have ended it eventually if he hadn’t. I have my house to look forward to and a new job to focus on and I want to meet people with the same mindset. Though I think our values may have aligned, we were worlds apart in lifestyle. He likes the suburbs and I like the city. He likes all-inclusives in Mexico and I like exploring Europe. He likes trucks and I like cars. He says “ain’t” and I never would. It was fun while it lasted but it’s for the best that it ended.