Life . . .

I started the new job on Monday. I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed with the workload and responsibilities. That being said, I also welcome the challenges and the opportunity to make some serious dough! I’m quite spoiled, I will admit, and I like it. I’m fitting in just fine, seamlessly really, and next week I am heading to my first big client meeting.

The house is still a work in progress. It’s happening slowly but surely. What a headache, really. If I wasn’t already so deep into the process at this point I would seriously be thinking about saying fuck it and renting. It’s such a tedious process.

Cutie popped back up, naturally. He is moving to another state for a position at his company. I think it will be really good for him and get him out of his safety zone. He’s so afraid of change and fearful of the unknown. He’s a really good man with deep-seated issues and I have faith that he can overcome them. Sex talk came up and frankly, I’m not sure I’m feeling it. Part of me says “He’s leaving anyway, just get some now because it’s been too long!” and part of me doesn’t want to bother with it and the aftermath. We’ll see how I feel when the time comes to make the decision.

That guy I was seeing? Well, that’s over. After our last date we met up again the next night because I was in his neck of the woods. We ended up making out though he would have been happy to have sex with me. I didn’t have sex with him because I wasn’t sure I was feeling it for him and though I thought he was nice, I wasn’t hot for him either. He was pretty good at not pushing me. He asked me out for the next night (Friday) but I declined because I was too tired from being out so late the night before.

We ended up spending the day together on Saturday and taking a road trip to the coast. It started out well, but like our first date, he had something like six pints of beer at dinner and ended up acting like a 20-something year old “kid” and being somewhat obnoxious and annoying. I don’t drink (at the moment) so that makes it even worse. I found myself almost asking him if he really needed another beer but didn’t want to nag or be condescending. He was sucking them down as fast as the waitress would bring them. On top of that, while he’s no dummy, he’s certainly not your typical white collar kind of guy. Which is fine. Except he uses weird (hick-like?) language. For instance, “I seen that guy the other day.” and “I knowed that guy from highschool.” What!?!? Overall, he was nice, polite, responsible, made a decent living, etc. but I was starting to get embarrassed by him in public and I knew that allowing him to meet family, friends or colleagues would also be a source of embarrassment. He would also talk a lot about how things would go if we were in a relationship or married which I thought was odd being that we’d just met. He has some old-fashioned ideas when it comes to lifestyles and relationships that I don’t share.

Anyway, he proceeded to get a little beligerent and then we walked down the beach back to his car. On the way he annoyed the shit out of me and embarrassed me. It took some time and then we got to his truck and drove home. He didn’t seem drunk at all, but he was sure tired and it made me nervous all the way back home. I invited him inside my apartment mostly because I was afraid he’d fall asleep at the wheel. I already knew that sex wasn’t on the table because he told me that he can’t get it up if he’s been drinking. He ended up staying the night because he wasn’t feeling well (from the alcohol) and he was too tired to drive.

In the morning I gave him breakfast and then had to go to meet a friend for a hike. I didn’t hear from him too much that day which was fine because at this point I was thinking that I wasn’t all that interested anymore. Since I didn’t hear from him too much on Monday, I assumed I was getting the fade for some reason and was OK with it. This evening as I had dinner with a girlfriend and was telling her about how I had been losing interst in him, I received a text from him.

He said he didn’t think we were a great match because he would end up trying to change things about me that make me the easy going and good person that I am. Then it was all about how he’s probably making a mistake, he’s so sorry, he feels terrible, he’s really mixed-up, and he would stress me out. Yes, he’s 43 and sending this over text. Lame. I’m not sure what he meant. I think it may have been about how he thought it was odd that I wasn’t texting him and calling him like “most girls do” so he never knew how I felt. I think he was insecure. I also believe he was the type to meet someone and be in a relationship that day. He also mentioned that he felt like I was too content being single compared to him, and I agreed that I was pretty happy with the way things were even though I was quite open to a relationship.

Another one bites the dust. But honestly, I’m OK with it. I wasn’t sure about him and I was also pretty upset over the possibility of this life I’m having right now coming to an end. I kinda like it. I am sure I would have ended it eventually if he hadn’t. I have my house to look forward to and a new job to focus on and I want to meet people with the same mindset. Though I think our values may have aligned, we were worlds apart in lifestyle. He likes the suburbs and I like the city. He likes all-inclusives in Mexico and I like exploring Europe. He likes trucks and I like cars. He says “ain’t” and I never would. It was fun while it lasted but it’s for the best that it ended.

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It figures

My BFF is going through some similar experiences as I am when it comes to men. She has some decent guys in her life who want nothing more from her than sex and companionship, usually on their terms. They are good-looking, successful men. Like the men in my life as of late, they are too busy and think they can do better. When they find someone “better” it lasts a short period because they were looking for the wrong things. Then they call us to make it all better again.

It’s much easier to see her situation than my own because, well, it’s not mine. When she tells a FWB she has feelings for him and hears that he likes her but doesn’t want to date, what she hears is that he wants to date her in the future. She doesn’t hear the truth: you’re not important enough for me to make time for and I want to keep my options open and find someone better. So, she allows things to keep going for fear of losing him before he’s ready to date her. And, it never happens that way.

I have done the same thing with Cutie. I listened to him tell me how he doesn’t want to date, he’s too busy to date, he doesn’t want monagamy, etc. and then he dropped me like a hot potato when he found someone he liked only to come crying back to me when it ended six weeks later. With my Original FWB, I did the right thing and said that I liked him and a FWB relationship would not work for me. We are not dating and we haven’t discussed it at all, but he no longer uses me and things are different between us. He respects me, treats me well, and contacts me much more often than when we were FWBs. I think Cutie is doing the slow fade, but if seeing each other comes up, I’m done with it. I deserve better and I want better.

I want someone who I don’t have to ask to have a relationship with me. Someone I don’t have to remind I exist. Someone who doesn’t contact me only when he wants something from me. Someone who isn’t too busy for me. Someone who thinks I’m special and isn’t looking for someone better. I don’t want to question it. I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to wait around for it. I don’t want to have to ask. I certainly don’t want to beg, wish, and make myself feel bad for trying. I don’t want to question why someone doesn’t like me when I treat them the way anyone would want to be treated.

So, as I’m thinking this and my feelings are solidifying, I went back onto OKCupid. I look at the account when I get a message. That’s it. I don’t get many messages these days. Because I don’t think much about it and I kinda like being single, I stopped poring over profiles and inspecting the men who message me. I don’t have a lot of time for it, either. I look at the photo, read the important stuff, then scan the write-up. If he’s not ugly or fat, if he doesn’t have facial hair or a bunch of kids, if he doesn’t smoke, if he’s single, if he’s just normal and doesn’t seem stupid, I usually respond. Before we meet I don’t even look at the profile again. We are strangers meeting for the first time and I don’t pretend it’s anything different.

The Jesus Freak guy from the other night was obviously a no-go. But last night I went out with a guy who seemed . . . fine. I was in his area for a family thing so figured, why not? We met and I was pleasantly surprised. He was also very sweet. He was normal. He was thoughtful. He was complimentary. He was smart. He was honest. He wasn’t as sexy or handsome or charming as Cutie. He wasn’t as smart or young or successful as my Original FWB. But there was no doubt that he likes me. He showed it, he said it. and he followed-up with me this morning to make sure I knew it.

So, why am I not satisfied? Why am I wondering why it couldn’t be Cutie? Why am I suddenly thinking that I’m too busy with the new job and the new house to deal with this? Why am I finding reasons not to like him? Why do I want someone who is not only  unavailable but who doesn’t even have feelings for me or treat me the same way that I treat him? Why do I want someone who doesn’t appreciate me? Or someone who uses me? Who in their right mind would choose to be with someone like that?

No reason to struggle at the moment, I suppose. But I do question my sanity and emotional health over this type of thing. I know I’m not the only one who is attracted to unavailable men or the only one who always believes that the grass is green on the other side. I know I want something healthy. But am I just as picky as the men I talk about on my blog? Am I just as reluctant to be in a relationship and fearful of something that might actually work? And if so . . . why?

Oh my god

I had a date from OK Cupid last night. While he was a nice enough guy, I think we would probably spend our time together arguing about religion. I don’t mind religion as I am a “to each their own” kind of person, but I despise blanket statements. For instance, at one point he said that god was responsible for everything that happens. I said, “Everything?” and he said, “Yes.” When asked about bad things, he said that the people who do bad things don’t have god in their lives. I asked about the victims of those bad things. No answer. I then asked him about terrorists who do what they do because of god — their god, anyway. No answer. And then I asked him about athiests and why they aren’t all murderers. I may have been OK with it had he actually been someone who was at least pragmatic in his religion, but he believes that the times in his life when he has been a not so great person were due to the lack of god in his life. I can’t get on board with that excuse idea.

Hello, September

Summer is long gone, so it seems. Boy, that was over fast.

My new job begins in two weeks. I close on the house (still in progress — so fingers crossed!) in less than a month.

To help with my finances when it comes to this house buying ordeal, which is a huge pain in my ass by the way, I sold my engagement ring and matching wedding band on eBay. It was hard to part with, not because of who bought it for me, but because I really liked them. They were my dream wedding set. But, maybe it was also the letting go part. Letting go of one chapter and moving onto the next. It’s been all kinds of scary lately, let me tell you.

The thought of a new job, new people, and a new commute is scary. As is the thought of a new neighborhood, new home, new lifestyle. I will have weeds to pull and grass to mow, and I can’t call the nice maintenance folks when something breaks. It can be overwhelming at times but never once have a asked myself if this is the right thing to do. It is.

Cutie is MIA and I haven’t reached out to him. Nor do I plan on it.

I never did get around to deleting my OKCupid account and I ended up getting a message from a guy that seemed nice and not ugly. We’re meeting for a drink tonight.

Feeling like a grown-up

Maybe it’s because I’m the youngest child. Or perhaps it’s due to my emotional immaturity (self-diagnosed). Or, maybe, I’m just young at heart. I’ve never felt like a grown-up or someone fully capable of taking care of herself. I have been taking care of myself since I was 17, but usually with boyfriends, so I was never truly independent. I think The Ex prepared me for independence. Even though I had him to lean on if I needed to, I know I couldn’t lean on him without feeling his wrath or being reminded that I owed him. I was definitely the adult in that relationship. Over the past year, I haven’t had a life raft. I’ve grown because of it.

I’m thinking of the future. I’m thinking of where I want to be and what I want to do. I’m envisioning my future life and how I want it to be. What is important to me and what is not. What makes me happy and what doesn’t make a difference. Over the past year, I’ve been working on reconnecting with friends, old and new. I have made an effort to get fit, body and soul. I’ve been getting to know me.

When I took the job I currently have, my goal was to make more money in less time. I didn’t want to work too hard, just my 40-hour day. I had to focus on the relationship with The Ex and his kids, the house, and well, that’s about it. I couldn’t do all of that plus have a demanding job. So, I took a position that doesn’t require me to go above and beyond. It just happens to pay a decent salary to sit at a desk and write. I stay below the radar and because my regular work keeps me busy, I am rarely asked to do anything else. Perfect for someone who wants to give as little as possible.

I’ve been looking for a new job for about eight months. I have gotten close, but never made the final cut as in being offered the job. I am always a top candidate, which is great, but sure is a waste of time! I was offered a position and for several reasons, it ended up not happening. It was a blessing in disguise as it was the same job for the same type of company, just with managerial duties. I would get paid handsomely for overtime which is unheard of in a professional and managerial position, but that meant, you guessed it, working a lot of overtime. I am happy to do it when I need to, but I don’t like to be expected to because I do have a life outside of work. I also wasn’t thrilled with the people I would be working with.

As things with that position were falling apart, I learned a great deal about what I’d done wrong and what I really wanted out of a career. I landed an interview with another firm. I only interviewed for the position because I was scared to death that my current job would catch wind of the standing offer and the issues surrounding that offer and let me go. This was my crazy paranoia a few weeks ago. I sort-of padded my resume and this company does a very thorough background check. Very. It’s the same resume (obviously with updates) that I’ve been using for 15 years and this was the first time in six different jobs/companies that it has ever been an issue.

So, I went into the interview with this fear and paranoia as well as swearing never, ever to do what I’d done again and was 100% honest with my interviewers for the first time in 15 years. The issue came up in my first interview, it came up in my second interview, and it came up in my peer lunch. Yes, it was uncomfortable. But, I got through it and turns out it wasn’t such a big deal because I was offered the position this week.

Turns out, this job I interviewed for because I thought I was desperate was an amazing opportunity with some amazing people. The chemistry with my future boss and coworkers was great and their feelings toward me were off the charts. It’s similar to what I’m doing now, but different, and definitely bigger. It’s a grown-up position and I even have a corner office with a window! I can thrive here. I can make a lot of money here. And, I have a feeling I will be here for a long time.

Not only am I starting a new job, but I’m in the process of closing on a house. What a nightmare! Even though this house is supposed to be an investment and a rental in five years, I am not sure I ever want to go through the pain and suffering of purchasing a house again. I won’t go into detail and bore you all to death. I still have a long way to go before it’s a done deal. I will say, if anything makes you feel like a bonafide adult, it’s purchasing a home. Especially when it’s 100% on your own.

I put my profile up on OKCupid again. I don’t know why. I guess I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something, even if it’s just a passive attempt. My Original FWB is not moving (maybe I mentioned this before?) but we are just friends, and kinda good friends even though he can really annoy the piss out of me sometimes. Overall, he’s a good person.

So, what about Cutie?

This is super busy season for him at work so we aren’t in touch as much as usual. We check in from time-to-time. Last week was insane but we’d made plans to see each other on Friday night. I told him if he was too tired to let me know and I would understand. He said that even if he was too tired, he just wanted to see me. He sent me several “I miss you” texts and was not sexual at all. He mostly felt sorry for himself and wanted me to “poor baby” him, which I have discovered he really likes. He came over on Friday around 9pm straight from work and I got pizza for him. He was too tired for sex but we managed a quickie before eating. We ate, then he fell asleep. I was up all night being sweated on, listening to him snore and talk in his sleep, and generally being uncomfortable. I’m not used to sleeping next to someone anymore.

Cutie was more affectionate than usual, even though he’s always affectionate. But, what he really wanted was attention. I gave it to him by rubbing his head, his back, stroking his chest, telling him he works too hard, etc., and while I was happy to do so, it felt weird because I’m not his girlfriend or anyone special. And it hit me that Cutie, as nice as he is to me, uses me. In some ways, I guess that is the arrangement that we have. But the problem is that I don’t use him. I enjoy him, but I don’t use him. I don’t only contact him when I’m in need, like he does to me, it’s always about him. He dictates when we will see each other and he dictates the mood. His pattern is that he contacts me when it’s convenient for him. I’m there for him always: when he’s lonely, tired, sick, horny, bored, or in need of an ego boost. When he has a girlfriend, when he’s busy, when he’s happy, when he’s fulfilled, I don’t exist, but I am the first person he’s in touch with when he’s single again and when he needs me.

I think I deserve better and you know what? I would give anything to have someone in my life who cares about me the way I care about Cutie. To have someone who is there for me. To have someone who’s relationship with me isn’t entirely self-motivated, selfish, or whatever the word is I’m looking for. I don’t know if this is just Cutie, and why he’s been single for six years other than two relationships that have lasted a few months, or if this is just Cutie with me, taking what he can get from someone willing to give but who doesn’t ask for anything. Again, he’s not a jerk and he’s not doing anything I am not allowing him to do. This is all on me.

I keep reminding myself about what happened with my Original FWB. It used to be the same way, but when I put my foot down, even though we no longer sleep together, things changed for the better. I stopped allowing him to use me and he started to respect me and treat me like a human being rather than a blow-up doll. Again, he was never a jerk or rude, but I don’t think he ever really cared until now.

In my mind I have a conversation with Cutie about this, but I just don’t know what to say, and I hate the thought of not being with him anymore. We would stay friends, loosely anyway, but things would be different. I guess I will take it day-by-day and figure things out as I go.

So much stuff . . .

There is so much going on in my life.

I’ve been making a concerted effort to improve my life, myself, and get to a good place. I’m succeeding. I’m doing all of the things I said I would do including changing my sleeping habits, working out, eating better, and focusing on the good rather than the bad. In turn, I am more focused at work, I don’t feel like eating poorly, I’m not wrapped up in stupid shit, and I have an abundance of energy.

Before when I was busy like this, I thought I was avoiding “life” as in staying so busy as to have an excuse not to date or think about my faults. But really, being busy is the secret to being happy. When you’re not busy and you’re eating, surfing the ‘net, watching TV, online dating, thinking too much, being bored, being unsatisfied with life, that can lead to depression. There is a balance, yes, and I am balanced.

I had my final online date (and possibly my final date ever) for 2012 last night. The guy was very sweet. He’s down to earth, funny, and seems like a good person. He has a good job and all that as well. He’s kinda cute, but certainly not hot. His personality is sweet and a little awkward. I wouldn’t call him charming or sexy at all, but he’s kind and thoughtful. He’s also a bit of a hick, a country boy, maybe even a republican. He’s probably the type of guy that a girl should date. I haven’t heard from him. And I don’t know that I would go out with him again. Not necessarily because of him, but because I’m more interested in me right now.

Later today I’m meeting with a company that offered me a job earlier this week. I have a lot of questions and wanted to negotiate on my salary. I fired off an email early this morning and received a lunch offer to go over everything. They have been courting me for seven months and a lot has changed since then — the position, the salary, the company — so it needs to be discussed.

My BFF is pissed at me and is being passive-aggressive about it. I guess I said something that hurt her feelings and she won’t tell me what it was. She’s tired, cranky, and burnt out. She took a job that required a lot of work with no time off, but with the potential to earn a lot of money. A sales position. I understand her want to rake in the cash, and of course it’s a necessity, but it’s already affecting her negatively. No time to eat right, exercise, sleep, see friends or family, clean, etc. She’s tired, complaining all the time, glued to her work phone, busy, and all she talks about is money. It’s a way of life I will never understand. Perhaps some space is best right now.

Progress

Things are starting to look up.

I’m making an effort on the diet and fitness front. I’m not perfect, but things are moving in the right direction.

Even though I’m PMSing and stressing out (and have a huge zit!) and eating everything that doesn’t run away from me, at least it’s all healthy food. I generally eat a processed-food, grain, and sugar-free diet with very little dairy. The exception is on days when I run an hour or more and the odd event where I try to be flexible. I do eat fruit, but minimally.

Things begin to go awry when I’m depressed. I will stop by the store and purchase other things, like a loaf of really good bread for dinner. Maybe some ice cream. Or Kettle Chips with good french onion dip. Etc., ,etc., etc. When I sleep too much and get blah, I don’t have the time (um, make the time anyway) or the energy to cook or plan meals, which means skipping breakfast and getting take-out for lunch. When I eat bad I have difficult work outs which makes me not want to work out. Also, if I’m not working out a lot and getting up early (which means going to bed early) I tend to instead spend time with a few friends who are not health-conscious which means we go to happy hours and eat the delicious sodium/carb/bad fat laden foods. Can we say vicious cycle?

I managed to get up early once this week to go for a run before work and today for a group run. Which is shitty except for the fact that it’s the first time I’ve done it in months. I slept in too late on most other days this this week and felt like shit all day from a sleep hangover, but managed to walk a few miles with the dog after work. Ironically on the weekday I woke up early and ran a few miles, despite getting just six hours of sleep I felt like a million bucks all day and was more efficient than ever at work. Today I woke-up at 6am and got tons of shit accomplished in addition to my run. Funny how that works. Tomorrow I try a CrossFit class.

Work is going well.

Yesterday I received a call from a local firm that has been courting me for awhile. They said they were writing an offer letter to me next week. I never thought it would happen and unless the amount of money is a lot more than what I’m making now, I probably won’t take it. Same job with some added responsibilities, similar firm, etc. We’ll see . . .

I’m weaning myself off of Cutie and my Original FWB is back to friend status. Also, in regards to dating . . .

Even though he remains a FWB and a friend, I’m trying to get away from the daily texting, etc. Not that I’m not texting him back when I hear from him, but I’m not initiating. I don’t feel the same intense feelings for him that I did at one time. After he left our “thing” for a relationship with another woman I placed him on a pedestal. Now that he’s back, he’s not as perfect as my mind led me to believe. My Original FWB is back to friend status and I’m OK with that. I’m not interested and if I had to speculate, I’d say he’s not either.

My final online date of 2012 takes place on Wednesday. I starting talking to him prior to writing off dating and he seems nice enough and I don’t want to blow him off. It should be uneventful, disappointing, and depressing. I also want to amend this rule. If I should meet someone out and about, I will date him. I mean, he’ll be into me if he asks me out once he’s seen me and talked to me in person. It’s the online dating I’m not doing for the rest of 2012. The liklihood of meeting someone to date in 2012 at the age of 37 is unlikely. So, whatever.

I’m finding that by focusing on other things, I’m rarely thinking about any men, let alone dating and relationships. I know this, and it’s why I stayed so busy after I left The Ex. Maintaining it is the hard part, but I must in order to reach my goals, protect myself, and be happy and healthy.

I haven’t bought any clothing.

The weekends are a tough time as I live close to several different shopping opportunities. I did see some things I would have loved to have had but I did not purchase anything. I’ve realized that I have expensive taste and I need to temper that. I also need to be better about my budget. Gaining and losing weight, then gaining, and losing again, is an expensive habit. I always envy my friends with large wardrobes built up over years when they are able to maintain their size. Must be nice.