No love

I have not heard from any of the guys from Sunday with the exception of the Proceed With Caution guy who took me to dinner and texted me on Sunday night to tell me that he had a good time.

I have not heard from my great date from Tuesday. This one is such a bummer!

I have not heard from the guy I thought was cool who I had coffee with a couple weeks ago even though he checks out my Match.com profile on a regular basis.

All of my online emails/potential dates have suddenly gone completely dry.

I received emails from three men yesterday who were either weird or fat (a few extra pounds is not 40 pounds all in the belly people!).

I really need to get laid.

Sigh.

In conclusion: Runner

It’s been over a month since that ill-fated evening with Runner but today we finally had the opportunity to talk about what happened between us. We met for lunch and after a hug and some small talk, delved into what was going on. With all of the time that has passed, I’m no longer mad or upset nor do I have strong feelings for Runner so what happened between us was no longer on my mind. That made it difficult to recall the details and my feelings. But apparently he remembered quite well.

He didn’t think it was a big deal that he waited three days to call me after we had sex because that was our pattern. By me being upset by it he thought I was acting a little “crazy” and because I didn’t talk to him about it right away he felt I was being “controlling”. He felt like he did nothing wrong and that I was “projecting”. And then, when I didn’t hear from him at all after a couple weeks, he felt that I should’ve reached out and that all of his friends had reached out knowing that he was being reclusive and that something was wrong. Just yesterday he told me via text that his life had been turned upside down and felt like I did not respond in a caring way. He did not understand my frustration and anger.

My argument was that he’s always been in touch with me after a date. In that sense, it was not the regular pattern and I didn’t feel like I was being unreasonable. I was offended at being called crazy because I did not go off on him or show any signs of crazy, I was simply feeling like I was being slighted or had been the victim of a pump and dump because we had sex and suddenly the pattern changed. I did not withhold information in an attempt to control him. I had a hair appointment and couldn’t talk. When it was over, he had his son and couldn’t talk. Because we couldn’t talk I texted him the basics (he wanted me to) and we decided to talk the next day. I admitted that I didn’t want to talk to him the next day because I wanted more time to think things through. Then he said we’d touch base in a few weeks so I let it go. And finally, I had to tell him that texting is not a great vehicle for communicating and that I had no idea that anything was wrong because even though he said he had been retreating from his social life, I had no way of knowing that because he hadn’t been talking to me anyway, nor do we have mutual friends. He always says he’s too busy for me and I had no reason to believe that this was any different.

While I know for a fact that not calling a woman for three days after you sleep with her is never a good sign, I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, told him what I wanted, and then allowed him to do it or not and then made a decision about the relationship without getting angry or feeling like someone was doing something bad to me on purpose. I bristled, I became defensive, and I was ready to be wronged and hurt because it’s happened before so that’s what I’ve come to expect. I made a lot of assumptions, I created bad things where they did not exist, and I pounced on the opportunity to get pissed and run away so as not to be hurt. Again, what he did was not right, but I made more of it than I needed to.

I’m certainly not proud of the way I responded, but I know that in some ways Runner was being manipulative and unfair, looking at things from his point of view and not mine. I’ve come to realize that he is narcissistic and it was all about him. That being said, enough time had passed that neither one of us were particularly mad and we said our apologies, laughed about it a little, and made friends. We said what we needed to say and put it to rest. Neither of us put up a fight to try to make it work.

He told me about what went down a couple weeks ago in his personal life and even if this hadn’t happened, our relationship would be done because of it. At least, I would’ve walked away from it. It’s too much. So, I agreed to be his friend and be there for him if he needs me. I apologized for assuming he was out to get me. And I accepted his apology for hurting me. We walked to our cars, hugged good-bye, and that was that.

The End

I can’t stop smiling

I had a first meeting tonight with a guy from Match.com. And, wow, I’m already kinda smitten with him. There wasn’t this sexual chemistry/connection that people look for — not that kind of “wow” date. It was the kind of date where you find yourself enjoying it and not thinking about the things you don’t really like about him but wondering if you could get over it should he prove to be a good match. No, he doesn’t have perfect teeth and he has a flat butt. He has two kids and an ex-wife and he lives too far away. But, he’s super cute, sweet, smart, down-to-earth, and just nice to be around. He has that calming happiness that I have been seeking. We have similar outlooks and values and he makes me smile. He’s very cute in an almost boyish way even in his actions.

We met at a restaurant. He beat me there. He had water for us and then we ordered our drinks. We ended up having a light meal and talking for over two hours. Yes, he paid. He walked me to my car and opened and closed the door for me. We hugged good-night and he said he’d like to do it again. Of course, that means absolutely nothing at the end of a date. But, I am hopeful.

This is the first date I can remember when I have been truly excited about someone. Please cross your fingers for me!

So, let’s talk about men paying on dates . . .

This topic has generated a lot of debate in the reply section of this post, so I thought I’d throw it out there in a blog. I’m sure it’s been beaten like a dead horse all over the internet. What’s another dead beaten horse, right?

My thoughts?

As one commenter said, it’s 2012 not 1952. I probably make just as much as if not more than many of the men I meet. I can afford my own coffee, drink, or meal. I can also take on and off my own coat and open doors all by myself. In addition, I can change a tire (so what if I call AAA!), hammer a picture hanger into the wall, and negotiate a car sale.

Again, it’s 2012 and not 1952, but I’m still not going to straddle my hot date and grope his junk or tell him all about my awesome blow-job abilities. I’m not going to take him home and fuck his brains out and then expect to ever hear from him again. I’m not going to emasculate him in any way by showing him up with my finances or successes. It’s 2012, yet if I chase or pursue a man, I’m going to be deemed desperate or psycho and he’s going to quickly lose interest in me, if he was ever intersted at all.

I know I can do anything for myself, and I’m assuming the guy does as well, but the men I want in my life feel good about me allowing him to do it for me even though I am perfectly capable. He doesn’t have to but he wants to because it makes him feel good. The men I like also appreciate the femininity of a woman. To be honest, I sometimes struggle with this because I am independent and often femininity is a sign of weakness (in business, for example). But, I do try and it takes a lot of work. 

At the very least, I want someone who offers. I may or may not accept, it depends on the situation. In the event that I’m meeting someone at a coffee shop and I am running late or he is very early, I do not expect him to wait for me (it’s really nice if he waits, however, and it is noticed), but I do expect him to offer to purchase my coffee. At this point, unless he is already standing up and walking to the counter with me, I tell him no thanks and get my beverage on my own. Often, if someone beats me to the location they will call or text and let me know they have arrived and then offer to get something for me. If someone asks me out, I expect him to pay. If I am dating someone and I tell him I want to take him to some awesome place for dinner, I will pay (or offer to). Obviously, if it’s a celebration (his birthday, a promotion, etc.) I will pay then as well.

I’ve never had a situation where the man did not pay my way and no, I did not have to twist any arms. The occasional first-date/meeting coffee, sure, a couple times (OK, there were three times total that a first meeting did not purchase my coffee and once when I bought frozen yogurt because my date drove quite a ways to meet me and I drove a mile and it was all because of my crazy schedule at the time — the only one that made it to first date territory was the latter). But never has a real date or meal even been negotiated.

My friends who go out with men who don’t pay are perpetually single. They are the types of women who accept DVDs on the sofa as a date. They get the pump and dump a lot. The men they go out with are quite a bit younger and are not successful — lazy turds. Or, they are successful and young, but they are douchebags who end up doing really shitty things in the end. In other words, they are not relationship material and usually have nothing going for them but their looks. Point being, always an issue or drama involved with these guys.

I’ve had a lot of first dates. I’ve dated a lot of men. I’ve had some bad luck and some good luck. But, I’ve never, ever gone out with someone younger than me (well, once, but he was only a year younger and a tenured professor — so he was old for his age). I’ve never gone out with a loser. I’ve never gone out with a real douchebag (mild douchebags, sure, but nothing like I’ve seen my friends go out with). I’ve never gone out with a gym-rat in love with his own reflection. I’ve never gone out with a total cheapskate — rich or poor. I’ve never gone out with a mysogynist. And, I’ve never paid for a date. Coinsidence?

Then there is the part about how men pay and women just show up. Sorry, but women don’t just show up. We have to “get ready” which is not only labor-intensive, but expensive. While men go bald, get wrinkles, and let their bellies grow when they turn 40, we are busting our asses at the gym, giving up cookies and bread, and paying thousands of dollars each year to look younger and better. We’re not really doing it for ourselves or for other women, we are doing it to attract or keep men. On top of that, we know men love to have their egos stroked so we smile and tell them that their dicks are amazing when they are not, that their wrinkles and gray hair make them look distinguished and not old, and that their belly really isn’t that big. And, we hope that when they finally make it in the business world, they won’t dump us for someone younger.

Yeah, sometimes I’ll go out with someone and afterward say, “Well, at least I got a free meal out of it!” Really, it’s a joke. And frankly, the only time I say that is when I end up going out with a man who blatantly lied about his appearance or age or who ended up being kind-of a jerk, or who was such a disappointment that it was the only thing I could say to not make me feel bad about the whole waste of a night. Frankly, I’d rather buy my own meal, eat alone, and enjoy the company of myself and my dog.

Your thoughts?

Three date night

For some reason (probably PMS) I have been missing Cutie a lot. Why I keep wasting my time and energy on someone who A. doesn’t want me, and B. wouldn’t have been the best move relationship-wise if he did, I do not know. But as Cutie used to always tell me, feelings are what make us human. So, I guess that’s my issue — I’m human.

Yesterday I moped around all day feeling sorry for myself. I decided that going for a run would help. I ran a short distance and felt a tad bit better. As soon as I stepped out of the shower I felt pretty blah again. I ended up driving to the store and getting a pint of Ben & Jerrys and a bottle of Magic Shell. I watched a rom com and gorged. It’s been so long since I’ve done that. It was disgusting.

When I get this way I don’t want to see anyone or do anything, but this behavior just makes things worse. Intellectually I know this and fight with myself to get motivated to make it better instead of wallowing in it. Instead of cancelling on the guy I was supposed to have coffee with this morning, I went through with it. I also accepted two additional invitations to meet men from Match.com as well as a movie invite from my girlfriend.

The first guy was someone who contacted me awhile back. He seemed nice enough and we had some things in common. When I showed up at the coffee shop on time, he was already there and drinking a coffee. I thought it was rude that he didn’t wait for me. We talked and I found him to be awkward and his photos were way better than he looked in real life. His eyeballs looked like they were about to pop out of his head and I found it really distracting. His personality was not stellar. When he told me he was going on a mission this summer, I knew for certain he was not the guy for me. I can just imagine the judgement in his bug-eyes while listening to my stories of debauchery. Afterall, I want someone I can be myself around, someone who will think it’s his great fortune that I am well-practiced in giving blowjobs and silently thanks all of the men before him who taught me so well (half joking, half not).

After coffee I high-tailed it an hour east to go on a hike with my dog. I decided I really needed to get out and thought I should take my best bud somewhere fun. Another guy I’d been talking to wanted to get together and I jokingly told him to meet me at the trail head and he agreed! Of course, I told my best friend where I was, all of the stuff I knew about him, and then texted his vehicle information and license plate to her. I’m not paranoid, but it doesn’t hurt to be careful when you agree to hang out in the woods with a strange man. We spent about three hours on the hike and I really think he’s cute, nice, and funny. When we were parting he said he was largely out of town for the next two weeks. I do hope he asks me out again, but I won’t hold my breath.

When I got back onto the freeway I called date number three (this guy!) who wanted to take me to dinner. We were going to Asian food so it would be quick, easy, and inexpensive. A good choice for a first meeting. We firmed up our plans and I raced home, showered, touched up my make-up and hair (luckily it was an easy hike), brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and drove to our meeting spot.

Why did I decide to meet him after all? Well, before I met Cutie in person, for various reasons I was not convinced that I really liked him. I thought he was cute and he was an OK guy, plus he was comfortable to be around, but it was certainly not a love at first sight situation. Knowing that you just never know, I decided to take a chance. I’m glad I did. While he did mention his ex and his relationship with her, this time I spoke up about it. If we go out again, I will proceed with caution. But, I have the feeling that the situation is more about the difficulty of not succeeding than anything else. He’s had a lot of successes and I can tell he gets what he wants, or at least tries, so this was a failure and that bothers him. The meal was nice and he was kinda fun. He’s cute, too. He has already texted to feel me out about seeing him again and I probably will.

After our meal, I drove to the theater to meet my friend, watched the movie, then drove home. Long, tiring day, but definitely helped me get my mind off of Cutie a little. I go into each new meeting hoping I will find in him what I found in Cutie. I know that’s no way to do this and I am setting myself up for failure by doing so. Hopefully things will change or get better soon. I’m sure they will. It will just take some time.

Is it possible for men and women to just be friends?

I have always really enjoyed the company of men but I’ve never had any good male friends. Not even during my college years. I’ve spend a lot of time talking to guys at school or at work, but I’ve never had any real guy friends — the kind who call to chat or send texts or emails, who take you to their work parties as a faux date and who I could take to a wedding as a non-serious plus one. I have had men I thought I was becoming friends with try to get me to sleep with them. And then we just couldn’t be friends after that or they lost all interest in me. Basically, if a man has been in my life outside of the office, he was my boyfriend or fuck buddy. I’ve never had a boyfriend or FWB start off as a friend — there were always clear intentions up-front. I should say, I don’t dress sexy, make sexual references, come across as highly sexual, or flirt. I don’t even know how to flirt!

But, lately I’ve been making more male friends, usually my co-workers and probably because of my somewhat recent interest in participating in sports. Plus, my job of nearly two years is male-dominated. My three most recents “flings” are all friend material, but only one has really stepped up to the plate (Cutie) as someone who could be a true friend. My Original FWB can’t be my friend because he wants to sleep with me and has a girlfriend who won’t have sex with him. Runner . . . well, I don’t know what is up with him. He did text me yesterday to tell me he’s recovered from all of his recent travels and wants to “connect” and “chat”. I texted him back, “OK” and haven’t heard anything. I need to give him his dishes and, I admit it, I do want to hear what he has to say (though I think I can guess) but I can’t put any effort into him anymore. Afterall, I can only give what I get. “OK” is the most I can do. I digress . . .

About a year ago I made friends with a co-worker. He has lots of friends, both male and female. He is also married and has a child. He’s a good guy, funny, non-threatening, easy to get along with, kind, all that good stuff. I don’t find him attractive but honestly I’ve never really thought about it. He’s a buddy type, plus he’s married. He left for a different position maybe six months ago and we’ve stayed in touch. Last night he invited me (last-minute) to be his faux date to an event. It was cocktail attire so we both dressed up and met near the venue to have drinks with mutual friends.

We went to the event, had a nice time, and settled in the back eventually. This is where things went awry and he vomitted some information that I really did not want to know right onto my lap. Basically, he and his wife had gotten into the swinger lifestyle not too long ago. They have extended that lifestyle and agreed that they could each see people on their own with whom they have a connection. I do not doubt their marriage is strong and they have been happily married for nearly 20 years. I was not phased by any of this as I have heard my share of stories from friends who were also into it or had dipped their toes. No biggie. I’m pretty open-minded anyway.

Then, much to my dismay, the bomb was dropped. He told me he found me very attractive and felt a connection to me. I did not allow it to go farther than this and cut him off by thanking him for the compliment and telling him he’s a good friend and that I felt a frienship connection with him as well. I tried to save the evening but it ended poorly and then he sent a text to apologize and . . . yeah. I don’t know. I drove home disappointed. Another one bites the dust.