Nervous

I have a date with Runner on Monday. It will be our third date, fourth if you include the coffee we had when we first met. I’m not sure what he has planned. I just hope it’s not sex. I think sex would be awkward at this stage. We do not talk much between dates, so we don’t know a lot about each other. He knows and is sensitive to my need to take things slow and let them develop over time.

Part of it is showing him the real me and wondering if he will like me anymore. Part of it is my feelings for Cutie. Part of it is not wanting to feel vulnerable. Part of it is the fact that I don’t know him well. And, part of it is me just thinking way too much.

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Distracted

I find myself thinking more and more about Cutie and Runner. Pretty much all the time, actually. And this is weird for me. It’s rare that I actually like someone and liking two someones is unprecedented. I’m not one to have many crushes or unrequited loves. What happens is that someone likes me, I’m totally clueless, they ask me out, I’m surprised, I say, “yeah, sure”, and then sometimes I find that I like them, too.

I don’t see myself as an attractive, charming woman that men want to ask out. I feel, not unattractive, but just “there.” I’m often told that I’m aloof and that I seem uninterested and unapproachable. I guess it’s true. Partly because I am not thinking about it/most men “in that way” and partly because I’m always careful to not show my sexuality because, I will be honest, I don’t feel entirely “normal” in that regard and I think that if people knew they would think poorly of me. I’m also guarded in new situations because I’m afraid of feeling vulnerable.

With Cutie, I feel in control because of the nature of our relationship. And I feel safe because we are both freaks and we don’t judge. I struggle to understand it sometimes. I know that, as a man, if he wanted something more with me he would tell me so. At this point, being that I’m so uncomfortable at the mere thought of a relationship, I do not feel the need to make a decision. It doesn’t hurt me to spend time with him and I enjoy myself with him very much. There is no reason to go big or go home. My feelings for him are strong but different, good, happy. Not vulnerable. Not scary. Just . . . positive. I’d rather have him as I have him now than not at all.

Runner and I are just starting to get things off the ground. I don’t think that we’ll be rushing into anything. I know he likes me, but frankly, for all I know he could be dating a dozen other girls and perhaps he’ll pick one of them instead. Perhaps he will sleep with me and then decide I’m not what he wants. Or, maybe we’ll get to know one another and it won’t be a good match. Still, I am loving getting to know him and it is nice to feel valued for more than my critically acclaimed blow job skills. Not that Cutie doesn’t think I’m smart, sweet, kind, etc., and not that he isn’t interested in me as a person, because he is, or at least he acts like he is (and this would make him a very good actor), but I think that if I cut Cutie off, that would be it for us.

Anyway, with Runner I think about possibilities, the future (not as in marriage), and I feel vulnerable. I’m not myself with him. I’m guarded. I don’t want him to find out about my sexuality, assume I’m damaged or “bad” or “dirty” and I watch what I say, how I say it, what I do so I don’t make him not like me anymore. I’m also a little intimidated. It’s been a long time since I’ve dated someone so successful, smart, ambitious, and talented. I’m getting ahead of myself, I know, but this is me in relationships. I am not playing games (should I text him? should I not? OMG!!!) and I’m trying really hard to just be me.

If I’ve learned anything over the many years of dating and relationships, it’s that I really want my next partner to know the real me, to appreciate the real me, to love the real me, to want the real me, and to not judge the real me. I guess this is why I’m so attracted to Cutie. He knows and he likes. I know and I like. No pretending, no faking, no judging, no worrying, just . . . being, loving, living, laughing, freedom.

Don’t you hate it when . . .

One of my new pet peeves is when you meet someone for the first time (internet date), they email or text you that they enjoyed your company and would like to see you again, you say no thank you, and they reply that they didn’t see a romantic connection either.

Basically, they are either trying to avoid embarrassment or else they were only interested in getting in your pants.

Still, it’s annoying.

Date, date, sex

Runner and I met at the movie theater on Friday night, along with every tween girl within 10 miles of the place. He was sweet to me, such a gentleman. There was no talking or touching, just some occasional looks when something weird or funny happened. After the movie he asked if I wanted to get something to eat and since I was starving I said yes. We walked to a few restaurants nearby and he let me pick. We closed the place down . . . again. The conversation is never dry or belabored. Though it’s not deep, either. I think it’s just right for two people getting to know one another.

When we were kicked out of the restaurant he walked me to my car. I had forgotten my coat at work so he insisted on placing his on my shoulders while he froze during our long trek through the parking lot. Once we arrived at my car, we started to say our good-nights (always awkward!) and before I was able to take his jacket off and give it to him, he grabbed the lapels and gently pulled me closer for a kiss. It wasn’t a big, sloppy “I want to fuck you right now” kiss, but a sweet and semi-sexy kiss. About 20 minutes later I received a very sweet good-night text from him and in the morning an email about how much we seemed to have in common and how much he was enjoying getting to know me. It almost felt like a sales pitch. Nonetheless, it was a very nice note.

He is well aware of my want to take things slow and let it develop naturally. He seems to respect my wishes and tries not to smother me, even though he wants to see me or reach out more often. I appreciate him wanting to abide by my wishes and taking my feelings into account. I’m trying not to be too aloof or too unavailable. I’m just trying to be me but not seem uninterested. I am interested, I just need to take things slowly.

I didn’t sleep well on Friday night even though I got home super late. I was up early the next day working out, running errands, and just trying to get things done. I met a guy that I’d been chatting with on OKCupid. He was really nice but his emails were really long. He seemed smart, kind, normal, so I thought I’d give it a chance. We met for lunch and he was really awkward. He was not as attractive as in his photos. And, the thing that I liked the least about him was that he had bug eyes. He always look surprised or crazy. His voice was shaky and he seemed really nervous the entire time. Conversation was OK but uninteresting. I was tired. He walked me to my car and we hugged good-bye. He emailed me this morning to ask me out again. I’m going to have to tell him no.

After I came home, exhausted, I decided to walk the dog who I’ve been neglecting a little over the past week with my work and social schedule. While on my walk, Cutie texted me. He ended up coming over at 8:00. He stayed the night and we had sex for hours then woke each other up three times during the night for more. I feel like a zombie. I’ve never had such great sex in my life. It’s not that his technique is that much better than anyone else’s, but our relationship is so open and honest. There is a comfort level there that is amazing. We have chemistry, but not the instant kind that knocks you off your feet – this is more authentic (or something). After my break-up with the Ex and I was spending a lot of time with my BFF, we’d talk about what we were looking for, or not looking for, and I remember once telling her that my ideal relationship would be as easy as our friendship. We would both be able to be ourselves, there would be no games, if one of us became upset with the other person it wouldn’t be a big deal, we’d trust each other, we wouldn’t judge one another, and we’d laugh a lot. I also wanted a relationship where I didn’t feel blinded by love, one where I could see clearly, something that developed over time. Clearly, Cutie is not my best friend, but things are shaping up to be easy and wonderful, like I wanted in a mate. Which is both good and bad.

My BFF says I have the best of both worlds right now. I have a man I’m dating who I go out with and is very nice and sweet to me, who wants to get to know me outside the bedroom and take things from there. And I have great, uncomplicated sex with a guy I have incredible chemistry with, plus a unique closeness that I haven’t shared with anyone before. I know I’m jumping ahead a bit, but I’m afraid that this might end up in an uncomfortable situation where I have to have conversations I don’t want to have. Or where I have to choose and the one I want won’t want me back. I’m going to try to have fun with this and let things happen, let the cards fall wherever they may.

I had two additional dates this weekend but I can’t do it. I need some alone time, sleep, and have a lot to do. So, I postponed.

So, I had a ‘real’ date

Yesterday morning I received a text from the guy I met for coffee a couple weeks ago telling me that it was his first free day in a long time and wanted to take me to dinner. I was supposed to meet with a potential FWB but decided to move that date (he was fine with it) and see this guy, who I will call Runner for what should be obvious reasons. We met for a late dinner at a nice, trendy, expensive restaurant. He’s funny, kind, smart, and athletic. He’s successful (very) and cultured. I felt comfortable with him in some ways, and uncomfortable in many ways. And, it wasn’t him. It was me.

We closed the place down and he walked me to my car. We awkwardly chatted and then hugged good-bye. He sent me a sweet text when he got home. And today asked me to see a movie with him this evening. My initial response was to be unavailable but in an effort to be authentic and not play games, since I don’t have plans, I said yes.

This real dating stuff is a lot harder than the FWB thing. I can’t hide behind my sexuality. I can’t pretend to be someone else. I care about what he thinks because it’s not like if there’s something he doesn’t like, he’s going to just blow it off and think, “Who cares, she’s just a piece of ass.” I feel like I have to watch what I say. I don’t want to be rejected.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and make things happen

The worst part about dating, especially internet dating, is the first meeting. If you have been following my blog for long, you’ll know that I have had two second dates. That’s in “real dating.” The sex dating (Adult Friend Finder and Craigslist) has netted me three second dates, with two ending in sex and with two long-term FWBs. How many first dates/meets have I been on? A lot.

I have done a couple of things to help me through the pain and suffering of the first meeting. For me, it’s about wasting my time. I don’t like to do that. I know dating is a numbers game, but fuck that, I have things to do! There are just two evenings per week (Monday through Friday) that I don’t have plans. If I need to work late during the week I always try to do it on those two nights. If I end up not having to work late, those are the two nights I am free to socialize. However, socializing must take place immediately after work and must be close to my home. On the weekends I am usually busy or not feeling like doing my hair and make-up. I’m around people all week and sometimes I just want a day to veg and be by myself. Plus, I have shit to do like clean and shop for groceries. I try to avoid weekends in this early dating phase.

So far, all of my first dates/meets have been fine with these “rules” of mine. Of course, I don’t approach them as rules, I just make suggestions and as all men want some pussy, they will usually bow to the power of the “V” and everyone has been more than happy to oblige. As far as I can tell women have never received brownie points for making things easier for a man anyway. The secret is not in being a bitch, it’s about being persuasive.

In order to keep my mind off of Cutie, I have delved back into the dating pool. Kinda. I’m still not ready to have a relationship. I’m still not prepared for love or committment. But, I think it’s time to put myself out there. Sometimes I want a man to want to spend time with me without my legs in the air. It would be nice to not have to cancel seeing someone because I’ve got my period. Admittedly, this is what I’ve asked for and in most ways it fits with my lifestyle and the place I’m at in my life right now. So, I can’t really complain.

I am planning to meet a three men from AFF over the next week and one from OKCupid. They are all coming to me during my down time, so while if they don’t work out it will still be a waste of time, at least it’s not as much of a waste of time. It makes it sting just a little bit less after spending an hour or more with someone I couldn’t care less if I ever saw again. I’m not overly excited about any of them. I am a tad bit nervous about the OKCupid guy though because when I go on dates like this I feel like I’m being interviewed. It’s not all about whether or not someone want to fuck me (they always do – shocking, I know!) it’s about whether or not they are attracted to me and like me as a person. That kind of rejection is hard to take.

I’m at a place where I’m really beginning to love myself. I like what I see when I look in the mirror. I like who I am and who I’m becoming. I feel like I have a good handle on my wants and needs. I am realizing what I want in life and in a partner, someday. My career is taking off. Things are falling into place for me. I feel good. I know I’m a good catch. But, I’m still fragile. It takes time to pick up all the pieces and glue them together and then you have to wait for the glue to dry. My life with the Ex, letting myself go, becoming a person I did not want to be, is still a part of me and I have doubts and fears about becoming that person again. I don’t want some bad dates or rejection to destroy what I’ve been building over the past year. And I don’t want a relationship to drag me back to who I was.

Truth? I’m scared.

Blogger award nom

About a week ago I received a comment from K. over at Sorry I Am Not Sorry about a versitile blog award nomination. I had no idea what that meant, so I thanked her in the comments section and never thought about it again. Then, today, I saw a comment from BB (Brooke Bardwell) at XOXO Luv BB about the same nomination. I’ve done my research and learned that this is a good thing, but comes with some rules (ugh! rules!). 

The rules are as follows:

  1. If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.
  2. Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
  3. Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
  4. Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  5. Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  6. Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

There will be a part two and maybe a part three on this, when I catch up!