I find myself thinking more and more about Cutie and Runner. Pretty much all the time, actually. And this is weird for me. It’s rare that I actually like someone and liking two someones is unprecedented. I’m not one to have many crushes or unrequited loves. What happens is that someone likes me, I’m totally clueless, they ask me out, I’m surprised, I say, “yeah, sure”, and then sometimes I find that I like them, too.
I don’t see myself as an attractive, charming woman that men want to ask out. I feel, not unattractive, but just “there.” I’m often told that I’m aloof and that I seem uninterested and unapproachable. I guess it’s true. Partly because I am not thinking about it/most men “in that way” and partly because I’m always careful to not show my sexuality because, I will be honest, I don’t feel entirely “normal” in that regard and I think that if people knew they would think poorly of me. I’m also guarded in new situations because I’m afraid of feeling vulnerable.
With Cutie, I feel in control because of the nature of our relationship. And I feel safe because we are both freaks and we don’t judge. I struggle to understand it sometimes. I know that, as a man, if he wanted something more with me he would tell me so. At this point, being that I’m so uncomfortable at the mere thought of a relationship, I do not feel the need to make a decision. It doesn’t hurt me to spend time with him and I enjoy myself with him very much. There is no reason to go big or go home. My feelings for him are strong but different, good, happy. Not vulnerable. Not scary. Just . . . positive. I’d rather have him as I have him now than not at all.
Runner and I are just starting to get things off the ground. I don’t think that we’ll be rushing into anything. I know he likes me, but frankly, for all I know he could be dating a dozen other girls and perhaps he’ll pick one of them instead. Perhaps he will sleep with me and then decide I’m not what he wants. Or, maybe we’ll get to know one another and it won’t be a good match. Still, I am loving getting to know him and it is nice to feel valued for more than my critically acclaimed blow job skills. Not that Cutie doesn’t think I’m smart, sweet, kind, etc., and not that he isn’t interested in me as a person, because he is, or at least he acts like he is (and this would make him a very good actor), but I think that if I cut Cutie off, that would be it for us.
Anyway, with Runner I think about possibilities, the future (not as in marriage), and I feel vulnerable. I’m not myself with him. I’m guarded. I don’t want him to find out about my sexuality, assume I’m damaged or “bad” or “dirty” and I watch what I say, how I say it, what I do so I don’t make him not like me anymore. I’m also a little intimidated. It’s been a long time since I’ve dated someone so successful, smart, ambitious, and talented. I’m getting ahead of myself, I know, but this is me in relationships. I am not playing games (should I text him? should I not? OMG!!!) and I’m trying really hard to just be me.
If I’ve learned anything over the many years of dating and relationships, it’s that I really want my next partner to know the real me, to appreciate the real me, to love the real me, to want the real me, and to not judge the real me. I guess this is why I’m so attracted to Cutie. He knows and he likes. I know and I like. No pretending, no faking, no judging, no worrying, just . . . being, loving, living, laughing, freedom.