Doing right by me

I find myself often caring more than I should for the men in my life. Caring is fine but can you care for the wrong reasons? I don’t know exactly why I care but I don’t think some of the people I care about care back. They care when they are bored, horny, tired, stressed, or need an ego boost. I, on the other hand, check in when they are sick or down, tell them happy birthday, remind them I care, and am there for them when they need me. I do it because that is what I want and because I believe that is what friends do.

I’m realizing that I am focusing on the wrong friends. I’m giving where I’m not getting. I’m accepting crumbs. I don’t expect the world just something equal to what I give.

I usedbto see someone that I have mentioned here before but I am not going to link to because I am lazy. I have not seen him in years but we keep in touch. He lives 3,000 miles away. He emails me when he is bored and talks about seeing each other but it does not happen. Well he took a job on my side of the country and plans to be here monthly. He assumed we would spend that time together. I told him via email that I would not see him because I can no longer give and not get. He has not gotten my email yet.

Then I decided to tell my Original FWB the same thing. With him it is different because I think it kills my ego that he will sleep with me but not date me yet he dates women who are highly dysfunctional. When he had surgery I checked on him, I ask him about his new job, I help him when he needs it, and yet he can’t be bothered to do the same for me.

If Cutie were still in town I would do the same with him. I’m so supportive of him and so caring yet he is never there for me unless he wants something.

I’m just tired of it. And I don’t undersrand it. I thought I was a good catch and I’m not sure exactly how that is not true and I really can’t understand how someone can not appreciate someone’s support and thoughtfulness.

I was dumped again for having my shit together. I don’t quite understand that one either. I thought having your shit together was a good thing?

This is not all bad…I have some amazing girlfriends, a good job, my sweet dogs, a pretty cool house, my health, and lots of other stuff. I just need to be pickier as to who I allow into my life. Sad, really.

Date

Even though I have been socializing like mad I still miss the company of a man. Having my Original FWB over last weekend, the warmth and affection was nice. I miss Cutie quite a bit.

I decided to go on a date with someone who seemed nice but not really my type. We met last night at a dive bar. I found myself liking him more than I thought I would and he seemed somewhat smitten which felt really nice especially since I have put on a little weight and feel kinda icky lately.

We are going out again for dinner tonight and I shamelessly asked him to help me put up some curtains. Hey, I’m a new homeowner and I need all the help I can get! He’s a little alternative and bald. He has earrings. He is no Original FWB or Cutie in terms of looks but I can’t help but like the guy. He is smart and nice.

I have a date on Wednesday, too. I don’t have a great feeling about him but I didn’t think I would like Cutie either for the same reasons and look how that turned out!

On Thursday I have a big work networking thing in the super suite at a basketball game. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I’m hoping to strike up a little small talk and perhaps a date with someone cute.

Back to reality

So, I closed on the house and got the keys. Had some work done on it while I packed up my apartment, and moved in on Friday. I spent the weekend cleaning, organizing, and unpacking. I had a houseguest which I thought would be a pain but it turned out fine. It was my Original FWB who was back in town and needed a place to crash. It was a little awkward and yeah we had sex once which I regret. But it had been awhile and I convinced myself that I needed it. I didn’t.

The funny thong about suddenly owning my own house — I say suddenly because one day I thought it would be a good idea and then I did it — is that I feel like such an adult now. I am having a tough time dealing with the dating shenanigans and the issues that all these men bring to the table. I feel like it is going to just be me and this little house for a long time. It is hard to explain.

Cutie leaves this week and I won’t see him before he leaves. I’m OK with that but admit that he is taking a lottle piece of my heart with him.

I received an email from a long ago lover last week who may be taking a job locally. That will never work. More shenanigans.

I almost met a really neat guy from OKCupid but decided not to when he revealed that he and his ex-wife still live in the same house. I have my shit together; why would I ever date someone who doesn’t?

The new job is going OK. It requires more than I’ve been able to give over the past couple of weeks. Luckily my boss is empathetic. I have to clean the apartment this week and then my life will get back to normal. I have three social events this week plus a badly needed mani/pedi. It will be nice to do something with some girlfriends that doesn’t involve a cardboard box and stress eating.

Tension Headache

It is difficult to post much these days. I am so incredibly busy! I am still waiting to close on my house. The bad news is that it’s taking forever but the good news is that my awesome mortgage broker is, well, awesome! My “situation” is that the deal I struck with the sellers ended up paying all of my closing costs plus some and that is an issue since they don’t know what to do with the leftover money now. The lenders used to keep it but that is illegal now. So, I wait but at least I’m being rewarded for my patience.

My dog was injured but he is quickly on the mend, thank god. He is a terrible patient!

The new job is going well. It has been three weeks. Time flies! I am hoping to bring in my first deal next week which would make me look like a rockstar and net me more than $10,000 which I could really use at the moment being housepoor and all.

I heard from the last guy that I dated who was a hick. Sniffing around, clearly. Cutie and I still communicate but we both have other things going on. The sex stuff is sort of unimportant right now. My Original FWB and I are still friends, nothing more and nothing less. Otherwise, no dates for me. Right now I am totally okay with that.

Lot’s of awesomeness happening in my life right now. The bad news is that I have put on some weight. I gotta put a kabash on that one! Now!

Life . . .

I started the new job on Monday. I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed with the workload and responsibilities. That being said, I also welcome the challenges and the opportunity to make some serious dough! I’m quite spoiled, I will admit, and I like it. I’m fitting in just fine, seamlessly really, and next week I am heading to my first big client meeting.

The house is still a work in progress. It’s happening slowly but surely. What a headache, really. If I wasn’t already so deep into the process at this point I would seriously be thinking about saying fuck it and renting. It’s such a tedious process.

Cutie popped back up, naturally. He is moving to another state for a position at his company. I think it will be really good for him and get him out of his safety zone. He’s so afraid of change and fearful of the unknown. He’s a really good man with deep-seated issues and I have faith that he can overcome them. Sex talk came up and frankly, I’m not sure I’m feeling it. Part of me says “He’s leaving anyway, just get some now because it’s been too long!” and part of me doesn’t want to bother with it and the aftermath. We’ll see how I feel when the time comes to make the decision.

That guy I was seeing? Well, that’s over. After our last date we met up again the next night because I was in his neck of the woods. We ended up making out though he would have been happy to have sex with me. I didn’t have sex with him because I wasn’t sure I was feeling it for him and though I thought he was nice, I wasn’t hot for him either. He was pretty good at not pushing me. He asked me out for the next night (Friday) but I declined because I was too tired from being out so late the night before.

We ended up spending the day together on Saturday and taking a road trip to the coast. It started out well, but like our first date, he had something like six pints of beer at dinner and ended up acting like a 20-something year old “kid” and being somewhat obnoxious and annoying. I don’t drink (at the moment) so that makes it even worse. I found myself almost asking him if he really needed another beer but didn’t want to nag or be condescending. He was sucking them down as fast as the waitress would bring them. On top of that, while he’s no dummy, he’s certainly not your typical white collar kind of guy. Which is fine. Except he uses weird (hick-like?) language. For instance, “I seen that guy the other day.” and “I knowed that guy from highschool.” What!?!? Overall, he was nice, polite, responsible, made a decent living, etc. but I was starting to get embarrassed by him in public and I knew that allowing him to meet family, friends or colleagues would also be a source of embarrassment. He would also talk a lot about how things would go if we were in a relationship or married which I thought was odd being that we’d just met. He has some old-fashioned ideas when it comes to lifestyles and relationships that I don’t share.

Anyway, he proceeded to get a little beligerent and then we walked down the beach back to his car. On the way he annoyed the shit out of me and embarrassed me. It took some time and then we got to his truck and drove home. He didn’t seem drunk at all, but he was sure tired and it made me nervous all the way back home. I invited him inside my apartment mostly because I was afraid he’d fall asleep at the wheel. I already knew that sex wasn’t on the table because he told me that he can’t get it up if he’s been drinking. He ended up staying the night because he wasn’t feeling well (from the alcohol) and he was too tired to drive.

In the morning I gave him breakfast and then had to go to meet a friend for a hike. I didn’t hear from him too much that day which was fine because at this point I was thinking that I wasn’t all that interested anymore. Since I didn’t hear from him too much on Monday, I assumed I was getting the fade for some reason and was OK with it. This evening as I had dinner with a girlfriend and was telling her about how I had been losing interst in him, I received a text from him.

He said he didn’t think we were a great match because he would end up trying to change things about me that make me the easy going and good person that I am. Then it was all about how he’s probably making a mistake, he’s so sorry, he feels terrible, he’s really mixed-up, and he would stress me out. Yes, he’s 43 and sending this over text. Lame. I’m not sure what he meant. I think it may have been about how he thought it was odd that I wasn’t texting him and calling him like “most girls do” so he never knew how I felt. I think he was insecure. I also believe he was the type to meet someone and be in a relationship that day. He also mentioned that he felt like I was too content being single compared to him, and I agreed that I was pretty happy with the way things were even though I was quite open to a relationship.

Another one bites the dust. But honestly, I’m OK with it. I wasn’t sure about him and I was also pretty upset over the possibility of this life I’m having right now coming to an end. I kinda like it. I am sure I would have ended it eventually if he hadn’t. I have my house to look forward to and a new job to focus on and I want to meet people with the same mindset. Though I think our values may have aligned, we were worlds apart in lifestyle. He likes the suburbs and I like the city. He likes all-inclusives in Mexico and I like exploring Europe. He likes trucks and I like cars. He says “ain’t” and I never would. It was fun while it lasted but it’s for the best that it ended.

Do good things happen in threes, too?

I always hear about bad things happening in threes. Do good things happen in threes, too?

I have yet to complete the house process. The appraisal is tomorrow. Cross your fingers that all goes well for me, will you?

My new job begins on Monday. I think it will be a good great thing. I’m taking a risk, as we all do, when starting a new job. Which is both scary and exciting. I have updated my wardrobe a bit since my position is more open to the public. I also spent the remainder of my FSA money on a new pair of glasses that make me look way smarter than I am. Hopefully it works.

Finally, this new guy . . . what can I say? We had our official first date yesterday. He drove from his suburb on the east side to mine on the west side to pick me up. Then, he drove us to our destination which was pretty much in the middle. I chose the restaurant and picked a place that was comfortable, not too expensive, easy, and interesting. He chose an activity (mini-golf) that we could walk to from the restaurant. He was kind and sweet, stole a kiss whenever possible, and was affectionate and very chivalrous. At the end of our evening he walked me to my door and kissed me good night. Then, he followed up with a text this morning to say hello.

Luckily I’m so busy with other things that I’m not obsessing over it. I’m just “being” and allowing nature to take its course. If anything, when I’m with him I already miss my old (as in, current) life of independence, friends, and me time. But I suppose I’m already getting ahead of myself. I don’t think of Cutie so much these days and he’s obviously not thinking of me, either. So, that’s good, too.

Hello, September

Summer is long gone, so it seems. Boy, that was over fast.

My new job begins in two weeks. I close on the house (still in progress — so fingers crossed!) in less than a month.

To help with my finances when it comes to this house buying ordeal, which is a huge pain in my ass by the way, I sold my engagement ring and matching wedding band on eBay. It was hard to part with, not because of who bought it for me, but because I really liked them. They were my dream wedding set. But, maybe it was also the letting go part. Letting go of one chapter and moving onto the next. It’s been all kinds of scary lately, let me tell you.

The thought of a new job, new people, and a new commute is scary. As is the thought of a new neighborhood, new home, new lifestyle. I will have weeds to pull and grass to mow, and I can’t call the nice maintenance folks when something breaks. It can be overwhelming at times but never once have a asked myself if this is the right thing to do. It is.

Cutie is MIA and I haven’t reached out to him. Nor do I plan on it.

I never did get around to deleting my OKCupid account and I ended up getting a message from a guy that seemed nice and not ugly. We’re meeting for a drink tonight.