The blues

This time of year is always pretty sucky for me. I’m happy, but just tired. And kinda “bored”. I’m busy, but still bored, maybe just blah. And then I get all introspective and shit and am too much in my own head.

Also, my BFF is still dating this guy, who is not a good guy. So, not only have I been replaced for the most part, I can’t even really be happy for her because the guy is a loser and whenever I do talk to her she spends the whole time unhappy about her relationship with him, worrying about what he’s doing, and talking about how much she can’t trust him. Etc., etc., etc. I can tell her that he has shown her who he is but she chooses not to believe it until I’m blue in the face, but unfortunately, she has to be the one to see it and deal with it. I don’t do well keeping my mouth shut, especially when it’s so obvious that the guy is an SOB, so when she does call I’ve been trying to keep my mouth shut, which basically means saying, “OK, gotta go!” It’s hard to watch your best friend putting herself through crap. I guess she watched me do it, too. I’ve really got to learn to keep my opinion to myself, listen without giving unsolicted advice, and just be supportive and there when she needs me. But it’s sooooo hard!

And, I know I shouldn’t be complaining about not getting laid because it’s been pretty regular as of late. But, I guess I just need more. I end up with these guys who, like me, have full lives with work, hobbies, friends, and family, and unfortunately our free time does not always mesh. I guess that means I need to add more men to my “stable”. So, I’ve been looking, and having little to no luck. I’m also keeping my eyes open for a potential, future (when I feel comfortable) threesome with Cutie.

One of the issues is flakes. I don’t have time for flakes. The other issue is finding someone who is able to respect a woman who is open sexually, and not treat her like a walking vagina. A lot of men see in black and white: pure and sweet, i.e., a real lady who deserves respect (but only does it missionary and only during a full moon) or, basically, a dirty whore. I like men who value us “dirty whores”. They are a lot of fun.

I met someone yesterday who was a nice guy and all, but I’m not attracted. It’s that simple. Tonight I’m busy. Tomorrow night I’m meeting another guy. He’s more my type than yesterday’s guy, but an in-person meeting will tell me everything I need to know. I have a few others I am communicating with, but no one I am thrilled about at this stage in the game.

Cutie’s only free night this week was a night that I’m not available. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. Even though I’m all for non-monogamy, I’m wondering how it works time-wise? Do you have a number one, two, three, etc.? Do you decide based on who asked first? Or does everyone offer something different so you decide based on what you’re in the mood for? And, what if you are super busy but you’re in a relationship (non-monogamous). How do you make sure you’re spending time with your partner while also spending time with others?

Sex with the lights on

My original FWB is back in town (and will not be moving, ever, so he says) and we decided to get together last night for a romp. It had been two months since the last time we saw one another and the last time he had sex. I know it sounds bad/selfish but I didn’t want to drive all the way to his place for a five-minute fuck. But, it just worked out that I’d go to him this time, so I sucked it up, and went. What the hell, right?

He was totally hot for me and it was so cute. Even though we’re the same age, he feels younger, I think because he’s less experienced sexually and has this boyish charm and excitement about having sex with me. Then, we had sex with the lights on. The entire time. At first, I was anxious to turn the lights off, and then I just went with it. And it was exhilerating. It’s the first time I’ve had lights on sex in years.

Surprisingly, he had good control and did not cum for a long time. And, as always, we had some good talks afterward and things were good, as they usually are.

I really adore all of “my” men right now.

And then a lightbulb went off

I’ve been an little introspective lately. Perhaps it has something to do with an upcoming birthday. A year older so an evaluation is in order, right?

While I’m definitely not where I thought I’d be ten years ago, I’m happy. I’ve always struggled with doing what I’m supposed to do versus what I want to do. When I was 29 I thought I was supposed to be married and having babies. I got married and went off birth control. Thankfully divorces are not that difficult to get and I didn’t get pregnant. I had a great time being single after that, and then was re-introduced to The Ex. Again, the “I’m supposed to be married with kids!” thing kicked in and I quickly went from single and fabulous to in a relationship with (his) kids, living the proverbial suburban life. And, again, I was miserable. I should have known. BUT — there’s always a but! — the difference was that my ex-husband was safe, a friend, while The Ex was the guy who made my heart go all a-flutter, made me lose my appetite, made me feel a loss for words, was hot . . . and not safe. I thought that would make the difference and I would be happy. Clearly, I was wrong.

Where am I going with all this?

Last night I was laying in bed with Cutie after three orgasms (one for him, two for me). He’s so open, non-judgemental, kind, and honest. I feel really safe with him, like I can be me, and he’s OK with it, with everything. I don’t feel insecure about my body, about my abilities as a lover, or about what he might be doing when we’re not together. It’s not that I don’t care, but I’m not concerned, big difference. I know I can ask him anything, and he will answer me honestly, even if it’s uncomfortable for him. Granted, I don’t know him yet, but there’s a comfort level we share.

Cutie is not into manogomy. He’s not into “the lifestyle” and it’s not a hobby nor does he require anything of me when it comes to sex with other people. But, he feels like he gets different things from different people and different situations. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time off and on. I used to think that sex is the only thing that differentiates your significant other from a friend, but that’s wrong, it’s something deeper. I don’t have the time to be in “the lifestyle” and people can get so wrapped up in it that they neglect their “normal” life and social circles. I’m also someone who needs alone time and I don’t feel the need to be wanted by men. I don’t have those kinds of insecurities and frankly, sometimes I think it’s a pain in the ass to be a woman.

I thought about The Ex and his cheating. The thing that bothered me the most was the lying and sneaking. Not only did he lie to me and sneak around behind my back, but he lied to the women he cheated with and told them he was single. He was also very closed about his sexuality. If he bought a fetishy porn movie, he’d hide it and become very defensive if I brought it up. I was not judgemental, it just bothered me that he hid it from me and wouldn’t discuss is. If our relationship was open and supportive, and we were true life partners, and he came to me one day and discussed adding other people into our relationship, based on sex, I would have tried it.

I often think about how great it is to have sexual chemistry, like I did with The Ex, but about how those relationships never work out. I know what I want in a man, someday, and I know it’s more about friendship, partnership, trust, empathy, support, and the ability to talk to him without feeling judged. I know that I would miss that feeling, and it’s what most people cheating on their spouses refer to when they are looking for an outside relationship. The newness, the excitement, the rush, the butterflies. All of those things that do not make a great relationship, but make a wonderful courtship. And I can’t live without either.

I don’t know that I’m explaining this right, but I feel like if I can be open in every aspect of my life and someone allows me to be open and free, but at the end of the day, we’re partners in life, I could do this relationship thing. I also want to allow someone to be himself, to continue to be the man I met and fell for, not change into a lazy boyfriend or husband. And, I think being open in this way would allow openness in other ways. I know it would take a lot of maturity not just on his part, but on mine, and I know it would take trust. Finally, I realize I’ve really grown up and when you’re with someone special, you want them to be happy. Sexually, you want them to orgasm more than you want to do so yourself. And, there’s something about that that turns me on. I used to just assume that a man will cum and it was nothing special, but now, it’s different. And, I don’t know if this would work in reality or just in theory, but I think I need to try it.

After my evening with Cutie, I received a call from an AFF person and for some reason, we talked philosophical. About life. Not about sex or dating. And it made me realize that I’m in a good place, I’m a smart woman, and I’m happy. It also, along with other things of late, made me see that I don’t have to do what I’m supposed to do, not if it doesn’t make me happy. This is my life and I can live it however I want to. Many people in my age-range feel the same, so at least I know I’m not abnormal there!

Then, I was talking with my original FWB and we, being the same age and being in similar places in life, were discussing this whole, “too busy for a relationship” thing and how it’s weird that we’re happy even though life is not what we thought it would be. And we kind-of talked about the things we want, how they would be so hard to find, and the things we knew we should have, and those things we need. He’s pragmatic, much like me, and I value his input. I thanked him for listening and he said, “Hey, that’s what the ‘F’ is for”. Love him.

I feel like I’m finally becoming emotionally mature. I went to therapy when I was married, about five years ago when I was going through a dark time, and through our discussions, we came to the conclusion that emotionally, I was very immature. So, this little feeling of something coming together, of change, of stability, it hit me like a ton of bricks around 11:30 last night and I felt like I’d been punched in the belly, and then I was excited, and couldn’t get to sleep.

Good lord I am rambling. But, wow, I just feel like something happened. You know?

Links!

I finally figured out how to show all of the blogs I read and enjoy. I had the widget set to only show 20. Check them out! And, if you’re reading my blog and have a blog of your own, tell me about it in the comments section.

Yeah, there’s something wrong with me

The other day I started writing a post about how I think this FWB thing is too easy for me and how I recognize that maybe it shouldn’t be. I thought about how busy and unavailable I am, on purpose, and that isn’t necessarily normal, either. I’ve spoken with my best friend about this a few times, and I recognize, and know, what I’m doing. It’s subconscious, yes, but also on purpose.

Today when I received this comment on my last blog, I decided to write about it.

Hi- You seem like a sweet girl who is trying her best to find her way. But I must admit- when the story of how horrible your ex treated you, I just could not understand why you allowed that relationship to continue as long as it did…. It does seem like you have a better handle of relationships now, but this whole FWB makes me scared for you. I have read your last post– yes yes you are not ready for a relationship, but it really seems like you are in hiding, hiding away from a boyfriend that could hurt you, hiding from having emotions and feelings. Please forgive my bluntness- but are you in therapy of any sort? I think that I really good analyzation of your past will help you move forward.

I’m not sure why I allowed my ex to treat me the way he did. But yes, it still sits with me and has made me cautious, maybe jaded, about men and relationships. I can’t even imagine opening myself up to someone again, trusting someone, being vulnerable, giving myself to someone.  I don’t hate men, I love them (maybe too much!) but I honestly cannot imagine being in a committed relationship again. 

Will I ever be able to be in a relationship again? I couldn’t tell you. It’s been only nine months since I left The Ex. Perhaps these feelings will vanish, but the reality is that this aversion to a relationship has grown roots that continue to strengthen. All I know is that right now, I am happier than I’ve been in any relationship. Ever. I know there are benefits to a relationship, but at what cost?

My insane schedule keeps me unavailable for a relationship and it keeps me from being in my own head too much. And, my FWB relationships allow me to protect myself from evil while still having some of my physical needs met. When I do start to have feelings, I push them back, deep inside myself. I don’t want to feel hurt or vulnerable anymore. I want to be happy and strong. I want to be focused.

Perhaps this will all blow up in my face one day. I don’t know. But if this is such a horrible way of life, why am I so damn happy, healthy, and stress-free?

Finally met a d-bag

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. Lots going on, but really, same old stuff.

Work is busy and my social life is thriving as much as I want it to. I’m seeing cutie about once a week and things are going really well there. My original FWB isn’t leaving the state . . . yet. Sometimes, when someone interesting gets in touch with me (I reinstated my AFF profile because they charged me, so I figured I should) I will communicate with him and recently, I’ve met two men. Both were OK (well, one was something of a douchebag), but my standards are pretty high and really, Cutie is about perfect as far as this type of arrangement is concerned, so I find myself comparing everyone to him.

The douchebag (referenced above) was, just, ugh. I found him challenging via email, but in a fun way. Unfortunately, when I met him at the bar near my house, he was far more challenging than I’d bargained for. After putting back three scotches or maybe whiskeys, I’m not sure, he indicated that because I told him I only had an hour to spare, we should just cut the shit and get to the good stuff. We did and while it was fun in an awkward way, I was feeling uneasy about someone who was so in my face. I like subtle, sweet, sexy stuff, not blatant. It was interesting, different, maybe a little exciting, so I figured I would consider him.

However, when it was time to leave, even though I told him upfront that I do nothing physical when we meet the first time and please don’t expect it or ask for it, he asked if he could come to my place and watch me masturbate. Promised he wouldn’t touch, just watch. I was reminded of my college years when guys would ask to stay the night “just to cuddle”. I turned him down. Then he started to pressure me. And that really turned me off. I’m a grown woman, not a little girl who can be swayed and pressured to do something I don’t want to do.

Eventually he walked me to my car, we hugged and said good-bye. Then, the texts began. He told me all the places he was planning on cumming inside me and how we don’t need condoms because he had a vasectomy, and finally he asked me to send him a pussy shot. Pig. I never texted him again. And, I think he got the hint.

Just some thoughts

A lot of people don’t believe me when I tell them I don’t want a relationship right now.  I guess I never believed anyone when they told me, either.

She’s just saying that because she doesn’t have anyone.

He’s just saying that because all he wants to do is screw around.

Sometimes, it’s true, people say one thing but think another.  Case in point, my best friend.  For months she’s said she doesn’t want a boyfriend because she has a lot to work on herself and doesn’t feel ready for a relationship.  She enjoys her indepedence.  She doesn’t want to deal with the bullshit.  Yet, as soon as someone she’s interested in shows interest back, she’s sucked into the “boyfriend vortex” and the truth is, she doesn’t even like him that much. 

I haven’t been single much in my lifetime, but I do know that everyone believes the best place to be is in a relationship.  Even I have felt a little strange not looking for a relationship.  It just seems like something you should be doing.  In my mind, people are not single, they are just between relationships.

With my original FWB, I was doing pretty well.  We had a thing, undefined, but relaxed, easy, mutually-beneficial.  Problem was, we rarely saw one another.  At first, that was OK because I was dating (not sleeping with anyone else) but then I stopped dating and decided I needed more “man time” than he could provide.  That’s when Cutie came along.  During my time on AFF, as brief as it was, I met some handsome, sexy, nice guys, but Cutie stood out as the best option for me.  At first I thought I might like him, but then realized I was just bored while at home over the holidays.  My first Christmas alone in many years, I may have been feeling a tad depressed, too.  When things got better, my feelings for Cutie were gone.

Now, things are going great.  But, I still have a twinge of feelings stuff with Cutie from time-to-time.  Nothing crazy, but it’s definitely there.  However, I don’t even really know him, and I recognize that.  I am a huge proponent of getting to know someone before you put your eggs in one basket, before you commit, before you jump in with two feet, before you change your life for someone (which will never happen again, by the way).  I’ve been burned too many times (rightfully so) by assuming I knew someone after a month, or two, or three, or more.  Six months, at least, is how long it takes to get to know someone enough to say, “I know this person and this is how I feel about him.”  There’s crushes, infatuation, lust, tummy butterflies, etc., but these are not what great relationships are made of.

Seeing my best friend give up on herself in order to spend more time with a guy she’s known for a day (met through an online site and have seen each other nearly daily since) reminds me of how much I don’t want to go there.  I’ve done it a million times before, trust me.  And, each and every time, I’ve regretted it.  While there is most definitely a rush, and it feels good, there is also a lot of uncertainty.  Why?  Because we don’t know that person.  We don’t know why they haven’t called us back.  Or why they didn’t ask us out this weekend.  Or if that thing we said made them them poorly of us.  Or if his grumpy attitude means he’s no longer interested.  Or if he’s not answering his phone because he’s with another girl.  You see, when you know someone and therefore trust that someone (assuming you’re not hanging out with someone you can’t trust), that person is just busy, tired or not feeling well.  He would never decide not to be with us because we told him something we’re not proud of.  The thought of him being with another girl would never cross our minds.  It’s so nice to know someone and to trust them and I feel like if I ever find that with a man, he’s a keeper.

When I went onto AFF last night to permanently shut down my profile, I noticed Cutie was online.  Cutie hasn’t texted me since Sunday evening when we’d texted nearly every day before then.  I became upset.  Aren’t I enough?  Doesn’t he like me?  If he is horny and has extra time, why isn’t he calling me?  How many other women does he have on the side?  Should I text him?  If I’m feeling this way, should I just end things with him? 

Once I thought all this through and let the initial waves of disappointment leave my head, I realized that all of these assumptions were based on nothing.  I told him I was busy.  We are friends with benefits, nothing more.  And, finally, I don’t know him.  Then, I thought about how I would proceed if I felt this way in a month, two months, three months, and I had to stop myself.  Breathe.  And just remember to take it day-by-day.  I don’t know how I will feel about him tomorrow, let alone in three months from now.  I have plenty going on.  How important is this right now? 

Finally, I thought about what I’d do if he decided he wanted more than a FWB relationship.  My first thought was that no, I didn’t want a relationship right now, and my answer would be to take it day-by-day for about a year.  Nothing defined.  No promises.  Nothing to “talk” about.  No drama.  No worries.  No bullshit.  No commitments.  Just enjoy each other’s company when we see each other, get to know one another and see where things end up.  Then, I realized, that’s kinda what we’re doing.  Granted, we’re not trying to figure out if we want to get married someday, but we’re getting to know each other, and if we are both into each other in a year, maybe things will change.  Or maybe they won’t.  A year is a long time.

It’s a weird place to be in, for sure.  And, I’m still not 100% comfortable with it.  I’m happy with it, but I guess it’s confusing.  There are times I feel lonely, bored, sentimental or I’m PMSing, and I second-guess my feelings, but unlike in the past, I always circle back around.  Old habits are hard to break.  I’m really excited about my journey.  I’m really happy.  I’m learning a lot, about me, about life, about relationships, but overall, I’m in a really good place.