Life . . .

I started the new job on Monday. I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed with the workload and responsibilities. That being said, I also welcome the challenges and the opportunity to make some serious dough! I’m quite spoiled, I will admit, and I like it. I’m fitting in just fine, seamlessly really, and next week I am heading to my first big client meeting.

The house is still a work in progress. It’s happening slowly but surely. What a headache, really. If I wasn’t already so deep into the process at this point I would seriously be thinking about saying fuck it and renting. It’s such a tedious process.

Cutie popped back up, naturally. He is moving to another state for a position at his company. I think it will be really good for him and get him out of his safety zone. He’s so afraid of change and fearful of the unknown. He’s a really good man with deep-seated issues and I have faith that he can overcome them. Sex talk came up and frankly, I’m not sure I’m feeling it. Part of me says “He’s leaving anyway, just get some now because it’s been too long!” and part of me doesn’t want to bother with it and the aftermath. We’ll see how I feel when the time comes to make the decision.

That guy I was seeing? Well, that’s over. After our last date we met up again the next night because I was in his neck of the woods. We ended up making out though he would have been happy to have sex with me. I didn’t have sex with him because I wasn’t sure I was feeling it for him and though I thought he was nice, I wasn’t hot for him either. He was pretty good at not pushing me. He asked me out for the next night (Friday) but I declined because I was too tired from being out so late the night before.

We ended up spending the day together on Saturday and taking a road trip to the coast. It started out well, but like our first date, he had something like six pints of beer at dinner and ended up acting like a 20-something year old “kid” and being somewhat obnoxious and annoying. I don’t drink (at the moment) so that makes it even worse. I found myself almost asking him if he really needed another beer but didn’t want to nag or be condescending. He was sucking them down as fast as the waitress would bring them. On top of that, while he’s no dummy, he’s certainly not your typical white collar kind of guy. Which is fine. Except he uses weird (hick-like?) language. For instance, “I seen that guy the other day.” and “I knowed that guy from highschool.” What!?!? Overall, he was nice, polite, responsible, made a decent living, etc. but I was starting to get embarrassed by him in public and I knew that allowing him to meet family, friends or colleagues would also be a source of embarrassment. He would also talk a lot about how things would go if we were in a relationship or married which I thought was odd being that we’d just met. He has some old-fashioned ideas when it comes to lifestyles and relationships that I don’t share.

Anyway, he proceeded to get a little beligerent and then we walked down the beach back to his car. On the way he annoyed the shit out of me and embarrassed me. It took some time and then we got to his truck and drove home. He didn’t seem drunk at all, but he was sure tired and it made me nervous all the way back home. I invited him inside my apartment mostly because I was afraid he’d fall asleep at the wheel. I already knew that sex wasn’t on the table because he told me that he can’t get it up if he’s been drinking. He ended up staying the night because he wasn’t feeling well (from the alcohol) and he was too tired to drive.

In the morning I gave him breakfast and then had to go to meet a friend for a hike. I didn’t hear from him too much that day which was fine because at this point I was thinking that I wasn’t all that interested anymore. Since I didn’t hear from him too much on Monday, I assumed I was getting the fade for some reason and was OK with it. This evening as I had dinner with a girlfriend and was telling her about how I had been losing interst in him, I received a text from him.

He said he didn’t think we were a great match because he would end up trying to change things about me that make me the easy going and good person that I am. Then it was all about how he’s probably making a mistake, he’s so sorry, he feels terrible, he’s really mixed-up, and he would stress me out. Yes, he’s 43 and sending this over text. Lame. I’m not sure what he meant. I think it may have been about how he thought it was odd that I wasn’t texting him and calling him like “most girls do” so he never knew how I felt. I think he was insecure. I also believe he was the type to meet someone and be in a relationship that day. He also mentioned that he felt like I was too content being single compared to him, and I agreed that I was pretty happy with the way things were even though I was quite open to a relationship.

Another one bites the dust. But honestly, I’m OK with it. I wasn’t sure about him and I was also pretty upset over the possibility of this life I’m having right now coming to an end. I kinda like it. I am sure I would have ended it eventually if he hadn’t. I have my house to look forward to and a new job to focus on and I want to meet people with the same mindset. Though I think our values may have aligned, we were worlds apart in lifestyle. He likes the suburbs and I like the city. He likes all-inclusives in Mexico and I like exploring Europe. He likes trucks and I like cars. He says “ain’t” and I never would. It was fun while it lasted but it’s for the best that it ended.


Do good things happen in threes, too?

I always hear about bad things happening in threes. Do good things happen in threes, too?

I have yet to complete the house process. The appraisal is tomorrow. Cross your fingers that all goes well for me, will you?

My new job begins on Monday. I think it will be a good great thing. I’m taking a risk, as we all do, when starting a new job. Which is both scary and exciting. I have updated my wardrobe a bit since my position is more open to the public. I also spent the remainder of my FSA money on a new pair of glasses that make me look way smarter than I am. Hopefully it works.

Finally, this new guy . . . what can I say? We had our official first date yesterday. He drove from his suburb on the east side to mine on the west side to pick me up. Then, he drove us to our destination which was pretty much in the middle. I chose the restaurant and picked a place that was comfortable, not too expensive, easy, and interesting. He chose an activity (mini-golf) that we could walk to from the restaurant. He was kind and sweet, stole a kiss whenever possible, and was affectionate and very chivalrous. At the end of our evening he walked me to my door and kissed me good night. Then, he followed up with a text this morning to say hello.

Luckily I’m so busy with other things that I’m not obsessing over it. I’m just “being” and allowing nature to take its course. If anything, when I’m with him I already miss my old (as in, current) life of independence, friends, and me time. But I suppose I’m already getting ahead of myself. I don’t think of Cutie so much these days and he’s obviously not thinking of me, either. So, that’s good, too.

Long drive

Long drives make for lots of thinking.

Tonight on the way back from visiting a friend, I realized something. It’s both embarrassing and enlightening.

I value people — men, anyway — for the wrong reasons.

I value men who don’t value me.

I don’t value myself at all.

I deserve better.

If I want to have a healthy, happy relationship, I need to drop those men who use me, value the men who treat me well, not find value in men for stupid reasons (looks, money, charm), and value myself. A relationship is not a priority for me right now, but until I do these things I will never have one that works.


It figures

My BFF is going through some similar experiences as I am when it comes to men. She has some decent guys in her life who want nothing more from her than sex and companionship, usually on their terms. They are good-looking, successful men. Like the men in my life as of late, they are too busy and think they can do better. When they find someone “better” it lasts a short period because they were looking for the wrong things. Then they call us to make it all better again.

It’s much easier to see her situation than my own because, well, it’s not mine. When she tells a FWB she has feelings for him and hears that he likes her but doesn’t want to date, what she hears is that he wants to date her in the future. She doesn’t hear the truth: you’re not important enough for me to make time for and I want to keep my options open and find someone better. So, she allows things to keep going for fear of losing him before he’s ready to date her. And, it never happens that way.

I have done the same thing with Cutie. I listened to him tell me how he doesn’t want to date, he’s too busy to date, he doesn’t want monagamy, etc. and then he dropped me like a hot potato when he found someone he liked only to come crying back to me when it ended six weeks later. With my Original FWB, I did the right thing and said that I liked him and a FWB relationship would not work for me. We are not dating and we haven’t discussed it at all, but he no longer uses me and things are different between us. He respects me, treats me well, and contacts me much more often than when we were FWBs. I think Cutie is doing the slow fade, but if seeing each other comes up, I’m done with it. I deserve better and I want better.

I want someone who I don’t have to ask to have a relationship with me. Someone I don’t have to remind I exist. Someone who doesn’t contact me only when he wants something from me. Someone who isn’t too busy for me. Someone who thinks I’m special and isn’t looking for someone better. I don’t want to question it. I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to wait around for it. I don’t want to have to ask. I certainly don’t want to beg, wish, and make myself feel bad for trying. I don’t want to question why someone doesn’t like me when I treat them the way anyone would want to be treated.

So, as I’m thinking this and my feelings are solidifying, I went back onto OKCupid. I look at the account when I get a message. That’s it. I don’t get many messages these days. Because I don’t think much about it and I kinda like being single, I stopped poring over profiles and inspecting the men who message me. I don’t have a lot of time for it, either. I look at the photo, read the important stuff, then scan the write-up. If he’s not ugly or fat, if he doesn’t have facial hair or a bunch of kids, if he doesn’t smoke, if he’s single, if he’s just normal and doesn’t seem stupid, I usually respond. Before we meet I don’t even look at the profile again. We are strangers meeting for the first time and I don’t pretend it’s anything different.

The Jesus Freak guy from the other night was obviously a no-go. But last night I went out with a guy who seemed . . . fine. I was in his area for a family thing so figured, why not? We met and I was pleasantly surprised. He was also very sweet. He was normal. He was thoughtful. He was complimentary. He was smart. He was honest. He wasn’t as sexy or handsome or charming as Cutie. He wasn’t as smart or young or successful as my Original FWB. But there was no doubt that he likes me. He showed it, he said it. and he followed-up with me this morning to make sure I knew it.

So, why am I not satisfied? Why am I wondering why it couldn’t be Cutie? Why am I suddenly thinking that I’m too busy with the new job and the new house to deal with this? Why am I finding reasons not to like him? Why do I want someone who is not only  unavailable but who doesn’t even have feelings for me or treat me the same way that I treat him? Why do I want someone who doesn’t appreciate me? Or someone who uses me? Who in their right mind would choose to be with someone like that?

No reason to struggle at the moment, I suppose. But I do question my sanity and emotional health over this type of thing. I know I’m not the only one who is attracted to unavailable men or the only one who always believes that the grass is green on the other side. I know I want something healthy. But am I just as picky as the men I talk about on my blog? Am I just as reluctant to be in a relationship and fearful of something that might actually work? And if so . . . why?


Things are going pretty well in my life. Really, I can’t complain. New job. New house. I’ve got great health. Even though I’ve let life take over and neglected the eating right and exercising part, I still look better than I did when I began this journey. I’ve got a great dog. My BFF is fabulous. I want for nothing, really.

That being said, now that everything has calmed down a bit and the excitement of all this stuff has worn off, I’m feeling sad because I don’t have anyone to share it with. Sure, I have my friends, but . . . it’s different. When I get the keys to my new house, I will be alone. After the first day on the new job I won’t have anyone at home waiting to take me to dinner so that I can tell him all about it. Even though my relationships have obviously never been fantastic, there was at least someone there for me, someone who cared, someone to share these things with.

Tomorrow I have a family event and Sunday I have a friend visiting from out of town for the day. After she leaves I’m meeting my BFF for dinner. Next week I have a dinner with the old lady next door and lunch with my coworkers. Over the weekend, so far I have a hike planned with a girlfriend. And that’s just what I have planned at the moment. So, why is it that I feel so alone?

I can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with me because no one is interested in dating me. It’s one thing to always have been single, and I have friends my age who are in that boat, but that’s not me and I’m still getting used to this way of life. It’s hard. And it makes me realize that you need to be there for people and you need to ask them to be there for you, too, because when you’re not in a relationship you don’t have a built-in support group. As long as your relationship isn’t horrific, it’s comforting having someone there, someone to talk to, someone to touch when you want to. I could use a hug right now and if I were living with The Ex, I could just go to him and hug him. He would hug me back. Yes, he’s an SOB, but it still felt good to have that comfort any time. I guess I’ll just go and hug my dog . . .

I finally heard from Cutie. I think the ship has sailed as far as he is concerned. He’s gotten what he wants from me and now it’s time to move on, I suppose. The situation with him has made me think twice about FWB relationships. I’m not someone who has disposable friends. I usually keep my friends forever. Sometimes we lose touch for a bit, but if they ever needed me, I would be there. I take friendship seriously. Perhaps that is problem. I come across as someone with a tough exterior, but inside I’m actually quite sensitive and I’m easily hurt. I care very deeply about others. Perhaps too much. Maybe that is why I’m so guarded.

I’m going to try hard to be happy for me during this time and make the best of it. Perhaps when things start happening and it is more excitement than stress, it will get better.

Oh my god

I had a date from OK Cupid last night. While he was a nice enough guy, I think we would probably spend our time together arguing about religion. I don’t mind religion as I am a “to each their own” kind of person, but I despise blanket statements. For instance, at one point he said that god was responsible for everything that happens. I said, “Everything?” and he said, “Yes.” When asked about bad things, he said that the people who do bad things don’t have god in their lives. I asked about the victims of those bad things. No answer. I then asked him about terrorists who do what they do because of god — their god, anyway. No answer. And then I asked him about athiests and why they aren’t all murderers. I may have been OK with it had he actually been someone who was at least pragmatic in his religion, but he believes that the times in his life when he has been a not so great person were due to the lack of god in his life. I can’t get on board with that excuse idea.

Hello, September

Summer is long gone, so it seems. Boy, that was over fast.

My new job begins in two weeks. I close on the house (still in progress — so fingers crossed!) in less than a month.

To help with my finances when it comes to this house buying ordeal, which is a huge pain in my ass by the way, I sold my engagement ring and matching wedding band on eBay. It was hard to part with, not because of who bought it for me, but because I really liked them. They were my dream wedding set. But, maybe it was also the letting go part. Letting go of one chapter and moving onto the next. It’s been all kinds of scary lately, let me tell you.

The thought of a new job, new people, and a new commute is scary. As is the thought of a new neighborhood, new home, new lifestyle. I will have weeds to pull and grass to mow, and I can’t call the nice maintenance folks when something breaks. It can be overwhelming at times but never once have a asked myself if this is the right thing to do. It is.

Cutie is MIA and I haven’t reached out to him. Nor do I plan on it.

I never did get around to deleting my OKCupid account and I ended up getting a message from a guy that seemed nice and not ugly. We’re meeting for a drink tonight.