No drama, please

One of the first things I do on the morning of a significant holiday is look back to where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt on the previous year. Last Christmas I had just started seeing Cutie, I was getting out of a funk, and I spent the day drunk at my parents’ house and made an ass of myself. That was my last drink for 11+ months, a streak broken by a trip to Las Vegas with some girlfriends earlier this month.

This Christmas my first Merry Christmas text was from Cutie. I haven’t seen him for months since he moved away but we check in from time to time. I miss him. Also, I did not drink or make an ass of myself. It was quiet and low key. The biggest difference was in the amount of Merry Christmas texts sent and received. And that certainly made the holiday warmer. Also, my older sister recently got married and for the first time since she started seeing this guy (who she met online, by the way), I can see how good they are together. I’m happy for her.

Since the guy who was emotionally unavailable and I split up, I do hear from him often. I do not regret calling things off. I can’t deal with someone else’s relationship drama and doubts. I need someone who is a good place and is healthy. He wanted to keep hanging out and getting to know each other so that when he was ready we could just be together. No thanks!

I met another guy, some brain surgeon (seriously) who might be book smart but certainly cannot manage his interpersonal relationships. I was horrified by his ex-wife and kid situation and couldn’t hide it. There was no way that was going to work.

Then, I decided that what I needed was someone to go out with (and have sex with) but not necessarily to have a relationship with. Since nearly everyone I meet is either not someone I would go out with or if they are of interest to me they are broken, I thought it would be nice to have someone for companionship and sex while I’m looking. Plus, my training schedule is going to be a little intense as I ramp up for a full marathon and my goal – to get hot in 2013.

When an internet guy looking for nothing serious got in touch with me I decided to meet in person. I explained to him that ultimately I want a relationship but it is taking so long that I would like someone to date casually while I’m trying to date seriously. He said it made sense and that he was looking at something casual due to his work schedule. Our meeting was a success and we scheduled a date which also went well. He is pretty smitten and of course that freaks me out a little since we have met only twice. I heard from him after our date that he doesn’t know how I feel about him (sigh) and that he can see this being more than he intended. The conversation was a little awkward. He is overthinking it. I heard from him a little the next day and not at all today. I’m not sure if he is busy and/or not much of a texter or if he is now “scared”. If it is the latter, I’m seriously not interested.  C’mon, we are adults here!

I have seen my Original FWB a few times lately and things are great. He sleeps over in my bed but we don’t have sex or even make out, just cuddle. Weird, I know. But it works. Otherwise, I have been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends and it has been wonderful. I feel lovable and loved.

Merry Christmas!

Doing right by me

I find myself often caring more than I should for the men in my life. Caring is fine but can you care for the wrong reasons? I don’t know exactly why I care but I don’t think some of the people I care about care back. They care when they are bored, horny, tired, stressed, or need an ego boost. I, on the other hand, check in when they are sick or down, tell them happy birthday, remind them I care, and am there for them when they need me. I do it because that is what I want and because I believe that is what friends do.

I’m realizing that I am focusing on the wrong friends. I’m giving where I’m not getting. I’m accepting crumbs. I don’t expect the world just something equal to what I give.

I usedbto see someone that I have mentioned here before but I am not going to link to because I am lazy. I have not seen him in years but we keep in touch. He lives 3,000 miles away. He emails me when he is bored and talks about seeing each other but it does not happen. Well he took a job on my side of the country and plans to be here monthly. He assumed we would spend that time together. I told him via email that I would not see him because I can no longer give and not get. He has not gotten my email yet.

Then I decided to tell my Original FWB the same thing. With him it is different because I think it kills my ego that he will sleep with me but not date me yet he dates women who are highly dysfunctional. When he had surgery I checked on him, I ask him about his new job, I help him when he needs it, and yet he can’t be bothered to do the same for me.

If Cutie were still in town I would do the same with him. I’m so supportive of him and so caring yet he is never there for me unless he wants something.

I’m just tired of it. And I don’t undersrand it. I thought I was a good catch and I’m not sure exactly how that is not true and I really can’t understand how someone can not appreciate someone’s support and thoughtfulness.

I was dumped again for having my shit together. I don’t quite understand that one either. I thought having your shit together was a good thing?

This is not all bad…I have some amazing girlfriends, a good job, my sweet dogs, a pretty cool house, my health, and lots of other stuff. I just need to be pickier as to who I allow into my life. Sad, really.

Back to reality

So, I closed on the house and got the keys. Had some work done on it while I packed up my apartment, and moved in on Friday. I spent the weekend cleaning, organizing, and unpacking. I had a houseguest which I thought would be a pain but it turned out fine. It was my Original FWB who was back in town and needed a place to crash. It was a little awkward and yeah we had sex once which I regret. But it had been awhile and I convinced myself that I needed it. I didn’t.

The funny thong about suddenly owning my own house — I say suddenly because one day I thought it would be a good idea and then I did it — is that I feel like such an adult now. I am having a tough time dealing with the dating shenanigans and the issues that all these men bring to the table. I feel like it is going to just be me and this little house for a long time. It is hard to explain.

Cutie leaves this week and I won’t see him before he leaves. I’m OK with that but admit that he is taking a lottle piece of my heart with him.

I received an email from a long ago lover last week who may be taking a job locally. That will never work. More shenanigans.

I almost met a really neat guy from OKCupid but decided not to when he revealed that he and his ex-wife still live in the same house. I have my shit together; why would I ever date someone who doesn’t?

The new job is going OK. It requires more than I’ve been able to give over the past couple of weeks. Luckily my boss is empathetic. I have to clean the apartment this week and then my life will get back to normal. I have three social events this week plus a badly needed mani/pedi. It will be nice to do something with some girlfriends that doesn’t involve a cardboard box and stress eating.

Oh my god

I had a date from OK Cupid last night. While he was a nice enough guy, I think we would probably spend our time together arguing about religion. I don’t mind religion as I am a “to each their own” kind of person, but I despise blanket statements. For instance, at one point he said that god was responsible for everything that happens. I said, “Everything?” and he said, “Yes.” When asked about bad things, he said that the people who do bad things don’t have god in their lives. I asked about the victims of those bad things. No answer. I then asked him about terrorists who do what they do because of god — their god, anyway. No answer. And then I asked him about athiests and why they aren’t all murderers. I may have been OK with it had he actually been someone who was at least pragmatic in his religion, but he believes that the times in his life when he has been a not so great person were due to the lack of god in his life. I can’t get on board with that excuse idea.

Lost . . . and found

I feel like I am drifting along lost and it’s probably because I don’t have a clear plan or clear goals. I’m also not ready to date because I rely on the opinion of strangers to determine my self-worth, apparently, and it also redirects my focus. The fact that I can’t find anyone at all interested in dating me is depressing and sad.

My life over the past three months has been a vicious cycle and a departure from the happiness I was feeling over the past year and I need to get that back. It’s hard when you fall into a black hole of boredom, despair, and sadness. I think it stems from the fact that I’ve worked really hard over the pat year to look better and feel better, yet I’m still not good enough, not in my own eyes and definitely not in the eyes of others. For some reason I can’t get it through my head that I do look better, I do feel better, and I am better off. Just because I’m not at my goal right at this moment doesn’t mean that I will never get there or that I need to give up. I feel like in dating I focus on all of the bad and none of the good. It’s all superficial. It’s not about how I feel or how I’m progressing, it’s all about what they think of me. And, because I have no idea what the truth is, I have to assume it’s because they think I’m fat or ugly or my personality is severely lacking.

Putting myself out there in the dating world has killed my self-esteem. Being a FWB hasn’t helped, either. If I were smart, I’d pull out of both situations. I’m just not that smart, though. Cutie will never be into me for one reason or another, so I might as well keep doing that. However, no more online dating, at least not until I’m at a place where the men are dying to take me out, especially after our initial in-person meeting.

Everything has fallen apart over the past few months: my financials, my home, my fitness, my weight, my self-esteem, my sleep schedule . . . everything. If I had my shit together three months ago, I don’t anymore. It all spiraled out of control. Now it’s time to bring it all back.

Goal 1: No dating for the rest of 2012.

Goal 2: No more FWBs. It’s either Cutie or no one.

Goal 3: Keep working on the fitness and diet.

Goal 4: No more clothes purchases for 2012 (with exception of essential items).

 

 

Life

Something’s happened between me and Cutie. No, nothing bad. Just an understanding. Since our reconnection things have been lighter. I don’t know if it’s because I now know for sure where things stand or if I’m comfortable with our situation, but either way, it’s good. It’s enjoyable. The sex, as always, is amazing. But we’re laughing more, joking more, getting to know each other more. We spend more time together. It’s good, comfortable, open. I like it.

But — there’s always a but — I’m not sure how I will be able to pursue dating while having Cutie in my life. While he’s not perfect, there are many parts of him that are exactly what I want in a partner and how I want to feel with my partner. He’s the only man who I’ve ever been 100% able to be myself with. It brings out the very best in me and I have never felt so free, open, or happy. When I’m with him I feel as able to be myself as I do when I’m with my best friend. And then there is the sex. I’m completely spoiled.

This is a dilemma. However, with my bad luck in dating I guess I shouldn’t worry about it. Speaking of dating, I did meet someone from OKCupid yesterday. It was one of those instances where you see him before you actually meet him and hope that’s not the guy you’re there to spend time with but you know it is. I couldn’t be an asshole and call it off, so I went through with it. He was nice enough, but I was not attracted. He was bald and clean-shaven, but with sideburns. His teeth were not only crooked and gapped (which is not that big of a deal to me) but they were so yellowish-brown and coffee-stained that I could hardly stand to look at them. He was wearing a give-away t-shirt tucked into old acid-washed jeans and crappy sneakers. On top of being unattractive he mentioned therapy about three times which is not a good thing to talk about on a first date. He pointed out that I was dressed up and that he was dressed like a slob. That was tied to him thinking I basically looked like I belonged in “plastic-ville” or that I looked “sterile”. Meanwhile I’m wondering why a person would dress like a slob on a first date?

The guy I met on AFF on Friday, while very attractive and totally my type, is not going to work afterall. He grossed me out and I can’t get over it. I understad that it’s about sex, but I don’t think that’s a reason to be overt. I really have to get to know a guy at least a little in order to truly be turned on by him. If I am not intimate with someone, talking sex, besides in general, does nothing for me. I can’t quite explain it. But I suppose it has something to do with my brain needing to be part of the process.

After coffee, not only did he ask to come back to my place to fuck (which I declined), he walked me to my car and kissed me. With tongue. That could’ve been sweet if he hadn’t asked to come over. He was also a little aggressive and then he grossed me out when he grabbed my boob and starting asking me questions such as: do I squirt?, what color are my pubes?, is my pussy wet?, and do I have multiple orgasms? He had a big boner but was lacking in the charm department.

At this point I understood that when he looked at me all he could see was a vagina. I could have been shot dead right then and there and it would not have mattered. I was just a body and he did not care about me, as a human being. At that moment, he was nothing more than an animal to me. He might as well have been a dog humping my leg. It’s not my style.

The mysteries of the universe

First, the word on the job is “Monday” which means that this is going to be the longest weekend ever. Both good and bad, I suppose. Based on the feeling I got from the recruiter when I called him today, I think the offer went to the other person and they are waiting to see if he or she accepts before letting me know what’s going on. There were two of us and I know I wasn’t disliked but if he or she was a better candidate, that’s all that really matters. Oh well . . . I guess that makes things easier.

Second, I’m feeling really down in the dumps these days. I’ve lost my appetite, I’m sleeping a lot, I’m feeling blah. I am lonely and feeling alone in life. I even, for about two minutes, had some regret over dumping The Ex because I miss having someone to hug, hold, and touch whenever I wanted. Someone to sleep next to, to spend the holidays with, to talk to in the middle of the day, to make plans with, and to feel loved by.

Everything now is a game and a joke. What’s important doesn’t really seem important. I look at the thing I’ve got going on with Cutie and I have to wonder why he doesn’t see it as a great relationship? We laugh, we talk, we trust, we respect, we make each other smile and feel great, not just sexually. And, it’s not that I am dying for him to love me, but why can’t he see that that’s what’s important? Why can’t anyone see that? I feel like the only person in the world who does.

I guess I felt like after I lost weight and found myself again, the men would be clamoring for me. It is not the case. I don’t think I’m everyone’s cup of tea, I don’t think I’m all that, but I do think that women my age and in my situation are few and far between. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me. Perhaps I’m fatter than I think. Or I’m ugly and I just don’t know it. I guess the only thing I can do is lose more weight and see if that works. I feel like I’m going to be alone forever and while I know I can do it, have a good life, and probably have plenty of excitement from time-to-time, while all of my married and attached friends look at my life with envy, I miss having someone who cares, loves me, and who makes me a priority in his life. I have the feeling that I will never have that again. And the frustrating thing is, I don’t know why. Right now, I feel like I’m nothing.

The only men online who have put any real effort into meeting me have been really fat or really old. And, when I say I need to lose weight, we’re talking about maybe 20 lbs. These guys are in the 40+ extra lbs range. And by really old we’re talking 50+. Both of these men lied about their age on their profiles and then buried in the narrative claim that they “messed up their birthdate and can’t change it”. Right.

I guess I need to accept the facts and move on. Accept that I’m for some reason unloveable. Accept that I’m ugly, I guess. Accept that even though I can outrun most men, I’m still fat. Accept that I’m really not a good catch, afterall. Accept that no one really, truly cares (except my mom and my dog). Such a pity party, but it is the truth. Why lie, right? Why tell myself something that’s untrue just to make myself feel better. The fact is, it’s just me and that’s how I have to live my life. It’s sad and something I never expected, not in a million years.