Doing right by me

I find myself often caring more than I should for the men in my life. Caring is fine but can you care for the wrong reasons? I don’t know exactly why I care but I don’t think some of the people I care about care back. They care when they are bored, horny, tired, stressed, or need an ego boost. I, on the other hand, check in when they are sick or down, tell them happy birthday, remind them I care, and am there for them when they need me. I do it because that is what I want and because I believe that is what friends do.

I’m realizing that I am focusing on the wrong friends. I’m giving where I’m not getting. I’m accepting crumbs. I don’t expect the world just something equal to what I give.

I usedbto see someone that I have mentioned here before but I am not going to link to because I am lazy. I have not seen him in years but we keep in touch. He lives 3,000 miles away. He emails me when he is bored and talks about seeing each other but it does not happen. Well he took a job on my side of the country and plans to be here monthly. He assumed we would spend that time together. I told him via email that I would not see him because I can no longer give and not get. He has not gotten my email yet.

Then I decided to tell my Original FWB the same thing. With him it is different because I think it kills my ego that he will sleep with me but not date me yet he dates women who are highly dysfunctional. When he had surgery I checked on him, I ask him about his new job, I help him when he needs it, and yet he can’t be bothered to do the same for me.

If Cutie were still in town I would do the same with him. I’m so supportive of him and so caring yet he is never there for me unless he wants something.

I’m just tired of it. And I don’t undersrand it. I thought I was a good catch and I’m not sure exactly how that is not true and I really can’t understand how someone can not appreciate someone’s support and thoughtfulness.

I was dumped again for having my shit together. I don’t quite understand that one either. I thought having your shit together was a good thing?

This is not all bad…I have some amazing girlfriends, a good job, my sweet dogs, a pretty cool house, my health, and lots of other stuff. I just need to be pickier as to who I allow into my life. Sad, really.

Huh…

Since searching for, funding, etc. a house by myself and in the process talking to others about their experiences and paying more attention to who amongst my friends are homeowners, I have realized a few things when it comes to single homeowners.

It seems as though my single guy friends with houses buy with the thought that someday they will get into a relationship and the woman will move in with him. So, they purchase larger homes often in the ‘burbs unless they are pretty wealthy and get a place close-in. My single girlfriends who buy are all in their late 30s or early 40s and they purchase small homes close-in. Most have come to the conclusion that they won’t find a relationship and they buy the home for themselves.

My girlfriends who are older and still hopeful tend to be renters thinking they will find a relationship and move in with the guy or get a house together. Some are still saving for that perfect large marital home outside the city where they will sit and wait for Mr. Right to help them fill 3,000 square feet of space and share the $2,000 mortgage. When I tell them about my house they say things like, “When you get in a relationship it will be tough to share such a small bathroom.” Or, “When you get in a relationship he probably won’t like that paint color.”

I will admit, when I decided to look for a house it was only after realizing that there was a possibility of me being single forever and I couldn’t sit around and wait for a relationship to happen. With the lack of quality and character of single men and the unreal expectations they have of women, I have pretty much given up. And that meant it was time to move on with my life…single.

I did not purchase the home with the idea that a man may or may not be in my life at some point. I purchased it assuming I may ne single for the rest of my life. As lonely as that sounds, it isn’t so bad once you come to terms with it. It is liberating, actually, because now I can really move on and just be.

Cutie left today. I didn’t get to see him before he left but I sent him a nice text. I have a feeling that now that I’m not an option for fucking, this is the end of that friendship. Which makes me a little sad but I’m not surprised. That’s how people are anymore. They take everything they can get from you and then throw you away like a piece of trash when they can’t squeeze out anything else from you. Sad world we live in, isn’t it?

Lost . . . and found

I feel like I am drifting along lost and it’s probably because I don’t have a clear plan or clear goals. I’m also not ready to date because I rely on the opinion of strangers to determine my self-worth, apparently, and it also redirects my focus. The fact that I can’t find anyone at all interested in dating me is depressing and sad.

My life over the past three months has been a vicious cycle and a departure from the happiness I was feeling over the past year and I need to get that back. It’s hard when you fall into a black hole of boredom, despair, and sadness. I think it stems from the fact that I’ve worked really hard over the pat year to look better and feel better, yet I’m still not good enough, not in my own eyes and definitely not in the eyes of others. For some reason I can’t get it through my head that I do look better, I do feel better, and I am better off. Just because I’m not at my goal right at this moment doesn’t mean that I will never get there or that I need to give up. I feel like in dating I focus on all of the bad and none of the good. It’s all superficial. It’s not about how I feel or how I’m progressing, it’s all about what they think of me. And, because I have no idea what the truth is, I have to assume it’s because they think I’m fat or ugly or my personality is severely lacking.

Putting myself out there in the dating world has killed my self-esteem. Being a FWB hasn’t helped, either. If I were smart, I’d pull out of both situations. I’m just not that smart, though. Cutie will never be into me for one reason or another, so I might as well keep doing that. However, no more online dating, at least not until I’m at a place where the men are dying to take me out, especially after our initial in-person meeting.

Everything has fallen apart over the past few months: my financials, my home, my fitness, my weight, my self-esteem, my sleep schedule . . . everything. If I had my shit together three months ago, I don’t anymore. It all spiraled out of control. Now it’s time to bring it all back.

Goal 1: No dating for the rest of 2012.

Goal 2: No more FWBs. It’s either Cutie or no one.

Goal 3: Keep working on the fitness and diet.

Goal 4: No more clothes purchases for 2012 (with exception of essential items).

 

 

The mysteries of the universe

First, the word on the job is “Monday” which means that this is going to be the longest weekend ever. Both good and bad, I suppose. Based on the feeling I got from the recruiter when I called him today, I think the offer went to the other person and they are waiting to see if he or she accepts before letting me know what’s going on. There were two of us and I know I wasn’t disliked but if he or she was a better candidate, that’s all that really matters. Oh well . . . I guess that makes things easier.

Second, I’m feeling really down in the dumps these days. I’ve lost my appetite, I’m sleeping a lot, I’m feeling blah. I am lonely and feeling alone in life. I even, for about two minutes, had some regret over dumping The Ex because I miss having someone to hug, hold, and touch whenever I wanted. Someone to sleep next to, to spend the holidays with, to talk to in the middle of the day, to make plans with, and to feel loved by.

Everything now is a game and a joke. What’s important doesn’t really seem important. I look at the thing I’ve got going on with Cutie and I have to wonder why he doesn’t see it as a great relationship? We laugh, we talk, we trust, we respect, we make each other smile and feel great, not just sexually. And, it’s not that I am dying for him to love me, but why can’t he see that that’s what’s important? Why can’t anyone see that? I feel like the only person in the world who does.

I guess I felt like after I lost weight and found myself again, the men would be clamoring for me. It is not the case. I don’t think I’m everyone’s cup of tea, I don’t think I’m all that, but I do think that women my age and in my situation are few and far between. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me. Perhaps I’m fatter than I think. Or I’m ugly and I just don’t know it. I guess the only thing I can do is lose more weight and see if that works. I feel like I’m going to be alone forever and while I know I can do it, have a good life, and probably have plenty of excitement from time-to-time, while all of my married and attached friends look at my life with envy, I miss having someone who cares, loves me, and who makes me a priority in his life. I have the feeling that I will never have that again. And the frustrating thing is, I don’t know why. Right now, I feel like I’m nothing.

The only men online who have put any real effort into meeting me have been really fat or really old. And, when I say I need to lose weight, we’re talking about maybe 20 lbs. These guys are in the 40+ extra lbs range. And by really old we’re talking 50+. Both of these men lied about their age on their profiles and then buried in the narrative claim that they “messed up their birthdate and can’t change it”. Right.

I guess I need to accept the facts and move on. Accept that I’m for some reason unloveable. Accept that I’m ugly, I guess. Accept that even though I can outrun most men, I’m still fat. Accept that I’m really not a good catch, afterall. Accept that no one really, truly cares (except my mom and my dog). Such a pity party, but it is the truth. Why lie, right? Why tell myself something that’s untrue just to make myself feel better. The fact is, it’s just me and that’s how I have to live my life. It’s sad and something I never expected, not in a million years.

Internet dating: I don’t think it’s for me

I have probably said it before, but I don’t think internet dating is for me. I think I’m too average looking and I think I am too difficult for people to get to know. My closest friends tell me that it took time for them to really feel like they knew me and that the longer they knew me the more likeable I became. Ex-boyfriends have told me this as well. No one can read me. I’m indifferent, detached, and not a person that stands out in a crowd. I don’t think I make a great first impression, besides in business. I’m smart and personable when it comes to business and older men are often charmed by me. Perhaps it’s my confidence and I’m lacking that same confidence in personal relationships.

In school (I changed schools a lot through the years) and in the various businesses I have worked in, it’s always taken me a year to get in with the “in crowd”. That’s never been my goal but always in a year I’m suddenly popular (school) or suddenly well-liked and invited to social events (work). It always happens this way. Always, as far back as I can remember and we are talking grade school here.

It’s definitely not a deal where I’m so good looking that I’m unapproachable. I know that I am not ugly but I’m not a particularly pretty girl. I don’t have a great body, either. I don’t have big boobs or long slender legs. I’m just there, one of many. I do know that I’m smart, I can be funny, and I’m a good conversationalist. People like to talk to me. I’m easy to get along with. But I don’t think I make much of an impression otherwise.

I guess I thought that the fact that I don’t have kids or crazy exes would make me a commodity. I don’t smoke or have 15 cats and my baggage is very minimal. I have a good job and am not a gold-digger. I’m certainly not a flake. While I’m not hot or beautiful, I don’t have anything wrong with me or anything that stands out. I’m healthy and well-rounded. I think I’m a good catch — I thought I was, anyway.

The thing I hate about internet dating is that one-hour window where you’re supposed to get to know someone well enough to determine if you want to date them. It takes time for someone to like me. It’s rarely an immediate thing. And I’m not hot enough for someone to keep seeing me even though they aren’t sure they like me. Basically, if they don’t feel fireworks within five minutes they are moving onto the next girl.I get it. I don’t come across as someone special in personality or looks so it’s best to just keep looking until you find someone who knocks your socks off. There are seemingly a million “mes” online, especially when you don’t take the opportunity to get to know us. It is de-humanizing, really, and with my personality it doesn’t seem to work too well.

It’s not clear what the answer is. Stop online dating? Just deal with the rejection and hope  for the best? Try to develop some aspects of my personality so that I am not so difficult to get to know and like? I’m not sure what to do and it’s all very confusing to me because I can’t see myself from the outside. I know how I feel but I can’t gauge it from someone else’s standpoint.

With my issues and my complete and utter lack of happiness when I’m in a relationship, I often wonder if I’m one of those people who is meant to be alone. I have no problems finding sex and passionate love affairs. Maybe when the stakes aren’t so high, I let down my guard and become the person that my friends know and love? Maybe when someone is “forced” to spend time with me (co-workers, lovers, schoolmates) they discover my personality but if they had their “choice” they would not spend the time with me?

How else does one meet potential mates these days?

See?

I took my friend’s advice and contacted two of the men from Match.com who I had gone out with and hadn’t heard from again. I figured that if I hadn’t heard from them in several days to a week, I would have nothing to lose if I got in touch. And, I would know it wasn’t about them thinking that I wasn’t interested. At least there would be some closure and no more wondering. 

I contacted my date from Tuesday night and so far, I have heard absolutely nothing in reply. It’s so weird to spend time with someone, have them suggest that you do it again, and then poof! they are gone forever. I hate that about internet dating.

The guy from the hike is out of town so I figure he’ll either contact me when he gets back . . . or not. I wasn’t going to try to reach him knowing he couldn’t be reached.

I decided it didn’t really matter what this guy thought as I would’ve had to proceed with caution anyway so it might be best that he’s disappeared. He did send me a note the night of our date but that was the end of that. .

And finally, I sent a text to the guy from coffee a couple weeks ago. He was starting a new position so I wished him luck. He has contacted me since our date, but not to ask me out and not to flirt and it had been a couple weeks since I last heard from him. I wasn’t sure if he was fishing or what. I thought this one would yield a date, but all that happened was that he asked me to come over and have sex with him. OK, not those exact words, but close enough.

When it came up you could probably see the steam come out of my ears I was so pissed/annoyed/frustrated/disappointed. I thought of some pretty nasty things to text back, but I controlled myself and decided to be cool. Clearly he was not interested in me and thought he had nothing to lose by asking me to come over and fuck him in a roundabout way. Can’t blame a guy for trying, right? Well, not really, as I am clearly on a dating site and my profile is all about looking for a relationship and not a FWB situation — as is his. Anyway, I flirted back in my witty, non-sexual way and this went on for a few minutes before I told him, again in a witty way, that it wasn’t happening. He texted some smiles and I ignored him. I had nothing more to say.

The only good thing that came from this is that I know my date from Tuesday is not interested (not surprised, but now I don’t have to question it) and the coffee guy is also not interested but is kind-of a douche and wouldn’t mind fucking me. Good to know.

Regrouping

This internet dating thing certainly . . . blows. I can’t get past a first date to save my life and can’t even find someone decent enough to text/email me afterward to tell me they aren’t interested. That leaves me wondering if they think I was not interested in them? Or are they simply not interested in me? Probably the latter so I always just let it go, but in the back of my mind I do wonder. I wonder because I’ve been accused of not seeming interested as I can come across as indifferent. That being said, I know that if a man is interested in seeing you again he will let you know.

I’m not the thinnest person out there. I’m not the prettiest. I’m not the youngest. Online dating is catalog-like and the next page will always reveal someone “better”. Unfortunately, the pages are endless. I guess the same goes for the available men but I don’t think women are wired the same way. I’m not anyway. For an average woman like me it seems like it will always be a futile lesson. How many times have I wondered why he looked me over but is now going out with a woman with three young kids and an impossible ex, a woman with mental problems, a woman working for minimum wage at the age of 40, a woman who is bankrupt, or a woman who is a bitch? Because he is more physically attracted to her than he is to me. I can be all kinds of wonderful, but it doesn’t matter because there will always be someone better on the outside.

I never in a million years thought that I would end up single. I’ve never been single! This is the longest stretch since I started having boyfriends in high school. I guess over the past 13 months I’ve had two FWBs (Cutie and Original FWB) and I did date someone briefly (Runner). And, for the most part I did take myself out of the dating pool. I haven’t been at it for long, I know, but it’s still a disappointment. I also feel like it’s taking away from the rest of my life. The investment has not yielded any returns except a loss of productivity, some weight gain (5 lbs!), and a bad attitude.

If I were to analyze myself, I would say that my issue lies in the fear of the unknown and the lack of control one has when it comes to relationships with others. I can pour myself into exercise and work and I will see positive results. I can pour myself into dating and be disappointed every time. I feel like once I declare that I’m ready for a relationship, and once I put in 100%, one should happen with ease. I’m not used to this lack of success because I can put my mind into anything and obtain it. But, I realize dating doesn’t work that way which makes it frustrating and a tough pill for me to swallow.

I think the answer is for me to take my focus off dating for awhile and focus on what I can control. At the moment, I don’t know if that means being passive or hiding my profiles, but I will figure it out in the coming days. When I think back or read past blogs, I am at my happiest when I am single. Right now I need to focus on that and maybe it means that I’m still not ready to date?

Diet: Fewer dates means fewer restuarants and more time to focus on preparing and cooking good meals. I have 20 lbs I’d like to lose and diet is 80% of the weight loss.

Exercise: When I was married to my workout and running schedules men became annoyed with me and my lack of flexibility and claimed I did not have time for dating. I start my early morning workouts next week and I’m back to my regular running schedule as of yesterday. This means a strict bedtime and lack of availability. More working out also means a happier me. Hopefully it will lift me out of this funk I’m in. [Sidenote: It fucking pisses me off that man expects me to rock an amazing body yet is annoyed or pissed when I have to call it a night at 9pm because I have to get up early for a workout or I’m not available because I have a scheduled run. I just have to say FUCK YOU!]

Work: I’ve been focusing so much on men — thinking about them, texting them, emailing them, working on my profile, reading online dating coach websites, writing about dates in my blog — that I haven’t been focused at work. My work is not suffering (yet) but my productivity is and that makes me feel shitty.

Other Things: Do I want to stay in this city? My career? I’m not sure. I am starting to look around at other opportunities in other cities. I started last week and have three interviews lined up. All three would provide a career and financial upgrade. Two of them are in another city not too far away. One is something local that I’ve been working on for nearly five months that I hope will come to fruition.