In conclusion . . .

I never talked to Runner. I totally pussed out and sent an email kinda late while faking that I would’ve called but it was too late by the time I had the opportunity. I know, I know. I regret it. I should’ve called. Lesson learned. He was big enough to want to communicate with me over the phone and I should’ve pulled up my big-girl panties and done the same.

I kept the email short and sweet. I said I was surprised that I didn’t hear from him as I had in the past after dates, and especially since something noteworthy had taken place between us (aka, sex). I was going to say “significant event” but I think that would have made it sound like I thought we were exclusive at that point or that maybe he popped my cherry. I also told him that it made me wonder if maybe we were in different places at the moment when it comes to dating and relationships. 

Early this morning he texted me that he was really sorry about the miscommunication and if he hurt me in any way. He was on his way to the airport and suggested that we “chill on it” for a bit and get in touch when he gets back, which is in a little more than two weeks. Because he didn’t mention the “two different places when it comes to dating and relationships” portion of my email, I think he wants to take the time to think things out. And, when he gets back, if we are still interested in each other (time will tell), I will have that conversation and let him know where my head is at and what I’m looking for down the road.

The guy from OKCupid I’ve been emailing with is annoying me with his stupid messages about his garden, what he cooked, and his dog. It’s been going on and on and on and on. I have no patience for this. He sent me an email about what he did over the weekend, as if I wasn’t already aware from his multiple, daily, one-sentence updates. He asked what I did. Seriously, if he wants to know he can invite me to meet him for coffee or something. Instead of answering his questions I said that his weekend sounded great and if he ever wants to met in real life to let me know. Hopefully he’s got the balls to make it happen.


I hate talking about “stuff”

One of the reaons I have this blog is because I hate talking about stuff with the person I’m supposed to talk to about it. My friends, they are OK, but some are all “dump that mother-fucker” and others are “it was probably an honest mistake” so then I feel like a pussy if I don’t dump the guy and a jerk if I do and . . . oh the conflct!

Yesterday about five minutes after I submitted my post I received a text from Runner to say hi and that he hopes I’m having a great weekend. Ooookaaay . . . I thought about what to do next and I considered not texting him back or saying something bitchy, but that would just make me look bad and it would be me protecting myself by being an asshole, not to mention game-playing. In my attempt to grow up and be authentic I told him I was hurt that I hadn’t heard from him after our date, especially since it was the first time we’d slept together. Well, there was a text or two leading up to that and I only mention it because he seemed perplexed by my texts communicating my unhappiness toward him. He called me right away and I declined the call and gave him an excuse as to why couldn’t talk. But then he couldn’t talk later. We didn’t get to the bottom of anything because they were texts and we both agreed it was not a conversation to have over text messaged. So he said he would call me later.

He called me this morning and left a voicemail saying he was really sorry we couldn’t communicate yesterday and he apologized if I thought he took too long to contact me. Then he said it was two really busy days and Saturday morning was his first opportunitey to get in touch with me. Over text he also said I could’ve contacted him. He said he wanted to talk to me about it all and that he hopes to hear from me soon.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s not that I’m mad or upset that he didn’t call and I don’t think he’s a prick for not calling. I just think it tells me a lot about where I stand and how he feels about me. No time to send a text? That doesn’t sit right with me. But, I need to actually call and talk this out before I jump to conclusions or call it a day.

I’m really uncomfortable talking to him abou it. I don’t like to talk about feelings. If I weren’t trying to be a better person I’d write him off. I would never admit to wanting to be in a relationhip in general because that sounds like weakness to me. It makes me feel vulnerable and unable to be single. It’s hard and it’s scary. My heart has been in my throat all day because I know I need to be a big kid and call him. I thought about emailing him but I can’t do that, either. Ugh, so hard!


Slim pickins

I haven’t been too thrilled with the OKCupid options as of late. I receive plenty of emails (not a ton, but plenty) but they are always from men who look old for their age and who wear jeans from Wal-Mart. This tells me two things: 1. they don’t take good care of themselves, 2. I won’t be able to ever wear all of my super cute clothes on our dates, and 3. they are probably boring. I’ve never met a man who buys clothes at Wal-Mart who loves adventure, travel, exotic foods, etc. They usually like to stay home and watch TV and an exciting night out is dinner at Applebees and not even the one in the next town, always the one up the street.

There have been a few men who have emailed me who do not fit this stereotype. One is in an open relationship and looking for someone on the side. That’s fine, but not something I’m into at the moment. One emailed me and basically told me what he thought he knew about me and what I needed (pretty much just some deep-dicking). Obviously a control freak and while I can see how he can charm some women with that type of writing, I can easily see through it. Also, he was a total butterface! Finally, the other one that stands out is a guy who said I had to answer three questions correctly in order for him to know if we’ll get along. This was no joke or attempt at flirting. It was all about music and concerts. I really, truly despise people who think a love of specific music, food, car, movie, etc. equals long-term compatibility. If that were the case, relationships would be so easy. Plus, this guy had all kinds of negatives in his profile which was a real turn-off and indicated to me his lack of emotional availability. Hey, I was angry and bitter about relationships not too long ago, too — I know it when I see it!

The somewhat good news is that I have been communicating (and communicating, and communicating) with a seemingly nice enough guy. Problem is he hasn’t asked me to meet yet and I’m bored with the emails already. Unless he steps up to the plate this one isn’t going anywhere.

I’m still seeing Cutie but I feel like that relationship is missing something so it leaves me a little empty these days. I guess it’s further proof that I’m ready for a relationship. And, truth is, even though I’m moving on, the thing with Runner has got me down. It’s normal, I know, and I’m surprised by how bummed I am. The thing is, I’m not bummed because I’ll miss him or becuase I was falling for him. Mostly, I’m just disappointed in him as a human being. To spend that time together, to start to develop at least a friendship, to invest all that time, and then simply walk away after an intimate moment leaves me feeling sad.

Believe me, you should believe the negative

So as not to end up back in that bitter/angry/resentful/unhappy place when it comes to dating, I’m trying really hard to see my dating disappointments as a learning experience rather than a bad experience or a reason to stop dating and/or hate men.

I read somewhere that when you’re dating you should ignore the positives and believe the negatives. Easier said than done, I know. Especially when they say the right things and do the right things the vast majority of the time.

Runner did all the right things: we had several dates, he was a perfect gentleman, he was sweet, he was on-time and never flaked out, he made me laugh, he called when he said he would, we had fun together, he never bull-shitted me (lied), and he said he liked me. I wasn’t giddy or overly-excited and I didn’t believe we were boyfriend/girlfriend, but I did think things seemed to be going well between us.  

What I didn’t hear/listen to/whatever was when he said things such as, “I’m figuring things out.”, “I’m in my selfish phase right now.”, “I dated a woman recently who ended things because I was dating other women and it was too hard for her.” and “I listed an interest in short-term relationships instead of long-term relationships because I don’t know what my future holds.” When he said those things I should’ve either proceeded with caution and said that if we were to have sex, we’d need to be exclusive or working toward exclusivity (he wouldn’t have lied to get in my pants, I’m pretty sure); ended it because we weren’t looking for the same things; or came out and said I was looking for a relationship and let him end it that way. Instead, I decided to play it cool and let him take the lead. But I should’ve also noted that he blew a little hot and cold and he didn’t make dates too far ahead of time. 

I don’t know why this happened and it’s not that I don’t care and don’t wish to hear it from the horse’s mouth, but I’ll never know the truth so it doesn’t matter anyway. There’s no point in wasting much time over it. The only thing I can do is chalk it up to a learning experience.


You win some, you lose some

Runner returned from his trip and when he touched down in the US, he sent me a text. He didn’t set up a date for a day or so and then asked to cook me dinner. We all know that means sex. He came to my place because it worked out better that way. He brought everything including dessert and made me a delicious meal. We had a nice time cooking together and talking, kissing, being affectionate. And, not surprising, we had sex. I considered talking to him about the relationship status beforehand, but then decided that would be weird. I wouldn’t want to claim exclusivity with a guy before seeing what he had to offer between the sheets. Being that first time sex is always awkward, I wouldn’t make up my mind until we’d slept together at least three times anyway. So, I let it go.

He left at 2AM and was sort-of weird about it. Not, “oh shit my wife is going to kill me!” weird but uncomfortable weird. I thought it was odd that he didn’t just stay the night. He had all kinds of reasons not to (not that I asked or begged him to, but he threw them out there). He kissed me good-bye a few times and booked it out the door. It’s 6pm and I have yet to hear from him. What kind of guy sleeps with a woman (after six or so dates, I might add) and doesn’t contact her the following day to say hello and that he had a nice time? A guy whose totally not into you, that’s who.

Life is a teacher

If you haven’t noticed already, I’m a deep thinker. I’m always considering, pondering, wondering . . . just thinking about stuff. I try to squeeze meaning out of everything, every experience, both good and bad, and I often think about how those experience have shaped me into the person I am today. Though it doesn’t always take, I thrive to become a better and wiser person from these experiences.

Someone recently said to me that relationships are for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I can look back at most of my past close relationships — friend, coworkers, managers, boyfriends, etc. — and tell you what I’ve learned from each. I have many lifetime friends, too, and the lessons I’ve learned from those relationships probably won’t be as clear since they touch my life on almost a daily basis.

As I mentioned awhile back it’s been a year since I left The Ex and I think about it a lot as I sign a new lease, the weather becomes familiar, and I break out my Spring clothes (well, accessories anyway since most of those clothes no longer fit me). Mostly I think about how “time flies!” but I also think about what that experience taught me and how I’m a different — better, happier — person than I was back then.

Cutie has made a huge impression on me and I truly believe that he brings out the best in me like no one ever has before. I’m not someone who is easy to get close to and I’m not someone who is super social. I’m a bit of a loner, an introvert, but I’m not shy. I’m not open with my feelings. I don’t need a ton of people in my life and I’m not the type to reach out a lot. In fact, it’s rare that I even like people. I can be indifferent or aloof toward others. Not that I mean to be, but I certainly am not considered warm or inviting. With Cutie, I am so much happier, warmer, sweeter, and expressive. I think it’s because he is so much that way that I can’t help but be that way myself. He doesn’t judge me and he calls me out on my crap in the nicest way that I don’t even know he’s doing it until I think about it later. He’s almost woman-like in his nurturing behavior and like a girlfriend, he listens without interjecting his opinion or trying to fix it. Cutie not only makes me see what I’d like to find in someone else, but he makes me want to be that way, too. Being with him makes me feel like being wrapped in a warm, soft, comfortable blanket.

Runner is a lot like me. He is not very warm or inviting. His texts and emails are pretty much all business, and then every once in a while he sends me something sweet. And, sometimes he seems, well, uninterested. He’s very busy and somehow manages to make time for dating. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with him and I’m attracted to him, I’m just not exactly sure where I stand with him. When we went out last he said, “in case it’s not obvious I really like you”. My first thought was, “really?”. When we had our make-out session, he was very warm, passionate, sweet, and affectionate. Like me, I can be someone standoffish but during sex I feel almost over the top affectionate. Overall he doesn’t act like someone who really likes me, but he calls me for dates, he says he does like me, he buys me gifts. Then again, I don’t always act like someone who really likes someone else, either. When men have asked me if I actually liked them and said they didn’t feel it my answer has usually been, “If I didn’t like you I wouldn’t be here.” And that’s when I realized that he was kinda me, in relationships.

I thought about how it made me feel and the answer was basically that if someone like Cutie came along it would be easy for me to say good-bye to Runner. I’m generally not that attracted to men who aren’t into me. I don’t chase. I don’t like how it makes me feel. I don’t want to waste my time. But what about Cutie? Cutie likes me, he just doesn’t want a relationship with me, and I’m not pursuing him. I don’t want to change, but I would like those people in my life to feel good when they are with me. I’m not desperate to keep Runner or anything, but I’m interested in trying to be more inviting overall.

I’m not going to be texting and emailing Runner or asking him when we’re seeing one another again. That’s not my thing. However, I’m going to try to make him feel wanted and feel good around me. I know that some of these things are natural characteristics of people and not natural characteristics of others. It’s not a natural characteristic of me. I’ve got to work at it. Like exercise. Even though it takes commitment and effort, and sometimes it’s kinda hard, the result feels really good.

Relationship ready?

Without thinking about it too much, I just noticed yesterday that my OKCupid profile has slowly evolved from “Men? Don’t need ’em, don’t really want ’em!” to “I know what I’m looking for, I know what I have to offer, and I’m ready to put myself out there.” I’ve been turned off by profiles that state that they are “still trying to figure things out”, they “aren’t sure they want anything long-term”, and “they’re not ready to jump into anything.” Not that I condone jumping or going long-term with someone you’ve just met, but this all screams emotionally unavailable to me.

I know I am emotionally unavailable to a degree, but I am making a huge effort not to be. Huge! I read this and this, and I am heeding the advice because I do want to be an emotionally available person in an emotionally healthy relationship. Now, probably because I’m so focused on being emotionally available and emotionally healthy, I’ll likely screw up some things dating-wise, but it’s a start in the right direction. I know that I will feel sad, scared, disappointed, emotionally unavailable, unsure, and weirded-out at times, but then I’ll realize it’s normal and not all my fault and try to move on by dusting myself off and getting back on the horse (oh, and how I hope he will be as endowed as one, too!).

How did I come to this realization? I guess it was through my conversations with Cutie when I, under a PMS haze, told him had feelings for him. We discussed me and what I want and he made me realize that I had determined what I was looking for, and that it was good: Someone I could be myself around, who didn’t judge me, someone I could trust. Since then, I’ve felt more confident that perhaps I’m ready or at least ready to open myself up to love.

I had a date with Runner last night. I fully expected a meal at his place, but we met downtown for a later dinner instead and I knew that meant no sex. I was pretty late but he was cool about it. When I arrived he was standing inside and without thinking I gave him a sweet kiss hello. We usually share an awkward hug and a New Jersey-like kiss on the cheek, like old friends. This time it was different and I really think it set the stage for a great evening.

Runner brought me a thoughtful gift from his travels and we had a nice visit. He even held my hand across the table. He told me that he really likes me. I, of course, became incredibly awkward and probably red in the face, and didn’t say much. Probably just sat there with a stupid smile and mumbled a few things. God, I’m horrible at that stuff. 

When the restaurant closed he said that the night didn’t have to be over and we decided to have a drink a few doors down. We spent more time talking and touching. We talked about things that were a little deeper this time, and I think it helped us bond. At one point I was listening to him talk about how he’s figuring things out as far as trying to learn how to pick the right partner and how he’s trying to do things differently this time around. It sounded eerily familiar. I really felt like I’d grown when I told him that my advice was to just be genuine. To not try to be this or that, or look for this or that. I said he should be himself and once he finds someone he can be himself around, without feeling judged, taken advantage of, etc. that’s when he will know he’s found the right person. I think that’s pretty good advice and I felt really good saying it.

When it was time to call it a night around midnight, he walked me to my car and we made out for about 30 minutes inside. It was all very PG-13. He didn’t even touch my boob. He said he wanted to see me again when he came back from his upcoming trip. I said yes, and then we parted ways. He texted me good-night when he got home and we texted just a little today, mostly about how tired were both are because we didn’t get home until 1AM, but how much it was worth seeing each other.

I’m not convinced that Runner is ready for a relationship. I know he is doing a lot of dating and he is on OKCupid a lot. If he likes me that much, he will want to see me exclusively and he’ll tell me. I’m not bringing it up and I’m letting him keep his space while maintaining mine. I believe that taking things slow is ideal, and it’s what we’ve been doing, but I do wonder why it’s been this slow? I do realize he might not be emotionally available and obviously, that’s what I need. So, I’m prepared to call it quits if being with him means that I can’t have the healthy, happy relationship I want and frankly, deserve.