Doing right by me

I find myself often caring more than I should for the men in my life. Caring is fine but can you care for the wrong reasons? I don’t know exactly why I care but I don’t think some of the people I care about care back. They care when they are bored, horny, tired, stressed, or need an ego boost. I, on the other hand, check in when they are sick or down, tell them happy birthday, remind them I care, and am there for them when they need me. I do it because that is what I want and because I believe that is what friends do.

I’m realizing that I am focusing on the wrong friends. I’m giving where I’m not getting. I’m accepting crumbs. I don’t expect the world just something equal to what I give.

I usedbto see someone that I have mentioned here before but I am not going to link to because I am lazy. I have not seen him in years but we keep in touch. He lives 3,000 miles away. He emails me when he is bored and talks about seeing each other but it does not happen. Well he took a job on my side of the country and plans to be here monthly. He assumed we would spend that time together. I told him via email that I would not see him because I can no longer give and not get. He has not gotten my email yet.

Then I decided to tell my Original FWB the same thing. With him it is different because I think it kills my ego that he will sleep with me but not date me yet he dates women who are highly dysfunctional. When he had surgery I checked on him, I ask him about his new job, I help him when he needs it, and yet he can’t be bothered to do the same for me.

If Cutie were still in town I would do the same with him. I’m so supportive of him and so caring yet he is never there for me unless he wants something.

I’m just tired of it. And I don’t undersrand it. I thought I was a good catch and I’m not sure exactly how that is not true and I really can’t understand how someone can not appreciate someone’s support and thoughtfulness.

I was dumped again for having my shit together. I don’t quite understand that one either. I thought having your shit together was a good thing?

This is not all bad…I have some amazing girlfriends, a good job, my sweet dogs, a pretty cool house, my health, and lots of other stuff. I just need to be pickier as to who I allow into my life. Sad, really.

Tension Headache

It is difficult to post much these days. I am so incredibly busy! I am still waiting to close on my house. The bad news is that it’s taking forever but the good news is that my awesome mortgage broker is, well, awesome! My “situation” is that the deal I struck with the sellers ended up paying all of my closing costs plus some and that is an issue since they don’t know what to do with the leftover money now. The lenders used to keep it but that is illegal now. So, I wait but at least I’m being rewarded for my patience.

My dog was injured but he is quickly on the mend, thank god. He is a terrible patient!

The new job is going well. It has been three weeks. Time flies! I am hoping to bring in my first deal next week which would make me look like a rockstar and net me more than $10,000 which I could really use at the moment being housepoor and all.

I heard from the last guy that I dated who was a hick. Sniffing around, clearly. Cutie and I still communicate but we both have other things going on. The sex stuff is sort of unimportant right now. My Original FWB and I are still friends, nothing more and nothing less. Otherwise, no dates for me. Right now I am totally okay with that.

Lot’s of awesomeness happening in my life right now. The bad news is that I have put on some weight. I gotta put a kabash on that one! Now!

Odd

I’ve been playing phonetag with a guy from Match.com for a couple days and we finally had the chance to connect at lunch today. At first it was small-talk and then he got a little bit deep and asked me what I would do for work if I had my dream job. He proceeded to then tell me about books I should read and then told me what he thought he knew about me based on what little he really knows. Things like my relationships with my family. I can’t say he was 100% wrong but he wasn’t 100% right. I was a little taken aback. Part of me was like, “Who does this guy think he is?” Mostly it was discomfort of being exposed without my permission.

I won’t give you every detail of the conversation, but I will say that he’s highly intelligent, he’s funny, and he’s quite the joker. But he has no filter. Most of the conversation was pleasant, but he did manage to tell me that his ex-wife was dumber than a box of rocks and that he learned the hard way that beauty fades but stupidity doesn’t. He also thanked me for adding a body image to my online dating profile. Then he went into detail about how he’s not looking for someone with a perfect body but he certainly doesn’t want to have to reach through fat rolls or something like that. And, finally, he was a little too forward about some things that I would think should come up later. He’d told me via email that he was “fixed” and I can see why, but during the phone call he told me about how he wants his relationship to have plenty of intimacy and he asked me if I was a passionate woman. I was taken aback and answered that of course I would say yes, as would any woman, but you really have to get to know someone and discover that on your own because what people say and who they are can be quite different. Talk about too much too soon!

I don’t know that I want to see him. He made me uncomfortable. I can appreciate his straightforward nature, however. I will have to think about it. Meanwhile I have meetings on Sunday and Tuesday with a couple new guys that I’ve been chatting with on Match.com.

Merry Christmas Eve

Five years ago today I re-met The Ex and decided to go on a journey with him.  A journey that lasted more than four miserable, self-loathing, disgusting, hateful years. 

I won’t lie.  That re-meet in the parking lot of a grocery store near my parent’s place in my hometown?  It was amazing, blood-pumping, so intense I could have cried, beautiful, romantic, and everything any girl would have dreamed of.  I knew that night, at that moment, that we were meant to be and it was fate, all of it was.

But then, a couple months later, before we moved in together, I got up to get some water and as I was walking by the counter, his phone buzzed, I looked over at it out of habit, and there was a vagina looking back at me.  It was his ex and she was ready to fuck.  Could she come over?

That was the night I learned that women routinely send nude photos and sex invitations just because, and they are not encouraged to do so, and they mean absolutely nothing, it happens ALL. THE. TIME. Didn’t I know that?  Oh, and I’m just paranoid and crazy.  I wouldn’t believe that shit, so I got pissed.  Then, his grandfather passed away and suddenly I was “doing this to him” when I should be comforting him, and by the way, I should stop acting crazy and obviously I don’t love him.

I talked myself into believing that I was being paranoid and he was just so awesome that women threw themselves at him, and wasn’t I lucky to have him?, and I gave my 30-day notice at my apartment and starting packing my stuff to move in with him.  Not surprisingly, there would be more vaginas (unsolicited, of course), more “I miss you” texts (again, totally unsolicited) and more discussions about my mental state aka, feeling that the vagina texts might be a little more telling than he was admitting to.

Our first year anniversary Christmas Eve was sad and I cried like a baby at how wonderful it had been and how I thought it would be, to how it was currently.  On the second anniversary, I did the same thing, but maybe not as much.  On the third anniversary I felt melancholy.  And on the fourth, I was numb and angry. 

This year, I’m starting my Christmas Eve with a group run because I need to celebrate where I am in my fitness and health vs. where I was while I was with him.  Then, I’m going to take my dog to the dog park because I can, and when I do, I won’t be accused of doing something I’m not doing.  Afterall, what is more innocent than taking your dog to play with his dog friends?  After the dog park and a little bit of grocery shopping, I’m going to have my BFF over and we’re going to eat, laugh, watch a movie, laugh, and then laugh some more. 

No crying for me this year.  No vaginas (well, exept for mine).  No pity-parties.  Just me and my happiness.

Flake

I had a date last night and I didn’t go.  I ran, then was up super early and oh so tired.  I struggled all day long at work.  I just couldn’t go on another run (and I’m not going to stop running to meet men, that only makes you fat and I speak from experience!), then shower and get ready again.  He was cool about it, but said that he wishes he knew me better so I could just go to his place and chill with a movie in the DVD.  If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was hinting around that he’d like me to come over to his place and suck his dick watch a movie.  Uh, no thanks.

Instead of going out, I was home before 5:30.  I went for a short run with my dog, took a hot bath with a magazine, ate a delicious dinner of butternut ravioli and roasted brussels sprouts, watched some Dexter on DVD while sitting on the floor cuddling with my dog, then went to bed at 8:30.  Nothing wrong with that.

Finally . . . a date

The meeting on Friday after work just didn’t happen due to a disappearing email.  No one was stood up, not drama, just didn’t happen.  We rescheduled to this morning.  I didn’t feel like having a regular date.  I don’t have the time, I don’t want to make the time and getting dolled up, driving to a pre-determined destination, sitting there feeling tense and judged, wondering if the thinks I’m fat and afterward feeling disappointment plus the frustration of spending the time getting ready, wasting the product (make-up, hair, etc.) and not doing what really needed to get done with that time (laundry, vacuuming, a nap) just did not appeal to me.

So, we met at a dog park . . . at 9AM.  Might as well kill two birds with one stone, and while we’re at it, just get it done and over with early in the day.

I will say this, the guy is super nice without seeming like a pushover.  He brought me coffee, he walked my dog on the trail so I could drink it, he didn’t get weirded out when my dog used his shorts to dry off with after a dip in the river and he was all-around happy and easy going.  Truth is, he is probably too nice for me.

But . . . and isn’t there always a but? . . . when I thought about kissing him, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.  He was not attractive to me at all.  He looked like a hawk.  I really, really wanted to like him.  I still do, and that is why I am considering going to dinner with him.  Sometimes a guy can grow on you.  I honestly don’t see it happening here, but I have met few people as nice as this guy, so I kinda want to give him a chance.

Sexy weekend. Not!

It’s the middle of summer, a beautiful weekend here in the PNW, and I’m dog-sitting for a friend.  A friend who is doing something this weekend.  Oh, and this wasn’t my only invitation to dog-sit, either.  Another friend is also doing something fun this weekend.  But, I couldn’t take two, so I took the one most urgent, and the one I know I can count on to dog-sit for me someday, should I ever get a life.

End of pity party . . .

It’s actually been a nice weekend.  Really quiet.  Lots of me time.  I like that in a weekend from time-to-time.

Yesterday I started my running class.  It was a success in that I wasn’t the slowest runner in the group.  I was happy being at the top of the bottom one-third of the class.  I mean, really, not bad for being pretty much sedentary for the past four years (because if I left the house to run or go to the gym, my sociopath Ex accused me of cheating, so I just stopped doing anything so as to avoid conflict) and only being back to moving my body since April and running since May.

There are no single men in the group of at least 50 people.  All of the men are either old or they are there with their girlfriends or wives.  Which reminds me, I’d love to find a guy who runs.  Anyway, seems like a nice group of people and this is helping me get out there to meet people in real life, which I need to do after my four years of solitary confinement.

After the run, I took the dogs to the river and the dog park to get them tired so they wouldn’t completely thrash my apartment.  Then I rented movies and ate junk food until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.  It was kind-of awesome.  Finally, I had a really nice — the nicest in a long time — sleep, and for the first time in ages, I woke up feeling great.

The extra dog is going home in a couple hours and I’m looking forward to it.  Not that she’s not a nice dog.  She is.  But she has lots of bad habits that annoy me, and she’s wearing out her welcome.  Plus, I have errands to run (like baby shower shopping) and really need to get out of my apartment.

No dates lined up for the week.  I have some changes to make on my profiles and I’m going to start contacting men instead of waiting for them to contact me.  I mean, shit, why not?  What do I have to lose?  More about that one later . . .