Life is good – slash – crazy right now!

I found a house and while it was not love at first sight when I finally got inside (it’s vacant and I spent some time roaming around the property), I thought about it a lot, lost some sleep over it, and googled the hell out of things like “how much does it cost to refinish wood floors?”, new bathroom vanities, moulding options, “what is the crime rate in zip code …?”, beaded board dining rooms, and “how to repair broken window seal?” I went back a second time, this time dragging my mother along. I went back a third time, dragging my BFF with me. And, today, I made an offer. I should know more tomorrow. I’m excited, scared, nervous, and feeling really grown-up all of a sudden. I’ve owned a house before, but only because I refianced it with a partner. They were not homes that I would ever choose to own, so even though I’ve been an owner, this is way different, and way better. It helped me to not settle because I know what I want and what I don’t. Of course, I had to stay within my budget which means that the house is kind-of in the ghetto, it’s as big as a crackerjack box, and needs some work. It’s an investment. When the market is in my favor I will rent it out and purchase something maybe better and maybe bigger depending on my life at the time. If things continue to go well for me, I can do it again, and who knows, maybe again? And, when I’m getting ready to retire it will be paid off and I can live in it, continue to rent it for income, or sell it if that means a good payout. We’ll just have to see what the future holds. I’m terrible at saving, so this is a good option for me, it seems.

My love life is non-existant beyone the occasional Cutie moment. I’m still on AFF but completely ignoring it and am going to let it lapse. I received an offer of sex for money and the funny thing is that with the down payment on the new house, moving expenses, and having to purchase a washer and dryer right away, I did think about it for like three seconds. Obviously I decided that it would not be a good idea for reasons to numerous to count.

Speaking of love lives, my sister got engaged. She is in her mid-40s, divorced for about five years, and has a child living with her. Her fiance is a nice enough guy. It gave me some hope that perhaps there is a chance for me, too.

I should hear about the job on Friday. If I receive an offer I will be happy but due to the nature of the pay structure and my (possible) home purchase, I will have to do some heavy negotiating. While I’m not in love with my job and have no clue what the future holds, I feel OK right now so at least I have something to hold onto in the meantime. OK is not a great feeling, especially with the possibility of taking on a mortgage, but the reason for my little ghetto house is that if I were making unemployment, I could still afford it. The mortgage is as much as my rent.

Last weekend I PR’ed at my race which was surprising because I haven’t been running much. I have been CrossFitting and so this makes sense since the race was just a 5k plus I’ve become more adept at really pushing myself physically due to CrossFit. I was very happy with my performance.

That’s it . . . and I think it’s enough!

It’s been awhile, huh?

I can’t believe nearly ten days have passed since I last posted. Time is seriously flying!

Work has been unbelievably busy these days with no signs of letting up anything in the near future. I’m a house-hunting fool. The workouts are going well. Still working on the school thing. And, finally, I hear about the potential new job in a week from today at most. Meanwhile, I have an interview with another company early next week. Dating is the farthest thing from my mind at the moment and it’s been ages since I’ve seen Cutie, but we have something lined up next week.

 

So, wow . . .

The events over the past couple of weeks have told me one thing: to get my shit together!

I have a bad habit of letting things go, allowing it to snowball, and then finding myself not on the ball when I need to be. I don’t know if it’s laziness or a touch of depression that makes me do it, but it doesn’t matter.

Since my situation, yes, I still carry some paranoia with me, but overall, I’m on the right track. It may or may not bite my in the ass. I don’t know, and frankly at this point there is nothing I can do about it but prepare. I can’t let it darken my days and nights.

Big happenings:

• I finally finished my 2011 taxes. It was stupid to wait considering I owed nothing. In fact, I received a $2 return!
• Though I currently own a house with my ex, I’m looking to purchase another one for myself. I thought that having a mortgage would not allow it and now I’m finding out that there might be a way around it. I discovered that I could purchase a small home for as much as I spend on rent so it would be stupid not to go for it.
• I’m ready to grow as a professional and have enrolled myself back in school. There will be student loans and a lack of free time due to studying, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
• I’m definitely not dating. I’m not even perusing Craigslist for fun. I have zero interest at the moment.
• I’m putting together a warm, beachy vacation for myself for my next birthday.
• I have a second interview tomorrow for a job I really want.
• My Original FWB and I are definitely just in the friend zone. And now he’s moving away. But, it’s OK, at least we’ve established our friendship.
• I’m slowly weaning myself from Cutie. We’ve both been so busy as of late and my mind hasn’t been on sex because of everything else. I still care for him deeply and we’re still chatting at least once a week either texting or talking on the phone. I think we’d make a terrific couple (maybe?), but I’ve given up on ever being with someone when it makes sense. I’ve learned that people only date when the first time they’ve met is all chemistry regardless of the reality of the relationship. So, fuck it!
• I’ve finally realized that there is a good chance that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve never even considered this before because no one in my family is single or has been single for more than a year between relationships. I’ve never been single. This is the first time since highschool that I have gone more than six months without being in a relationship. Part of me kinda likes it and part of me is scared shitless for the future. I never thought I’d have someone to pay my way, but someone there to help me if I need it, catch me if I fall, be there for me in illness or if I lost my job, someone to come home to every night, and someone to be there for the good times, too.

Lemons = lemonade

The hard part — the waiting — is over. There might be some shrapnel, and sometimes that is worse than the bullet, but time will heal all wounds and yes, I have learned a few lessons . . . and then some. I can finally breathe again and get on with my life. And, if the shit really hits the fan, I have a plan. Because it’s all I’ve been thinking about.

I’m not ready to tell you what I did just yet, but I probably will at some point. Right now I’m still feeling paranoia for possible repercussions and what if someone I know reads this and my mistake is carried into that part of my life? That would be bad . . . really bad. It’s not a chance that I can take right now.

What I will tell you is that this has made me look deep inside myself at what I want and who I want to be. It’s made me consider what’s important, what’s not, and in some ways, my value. And, for the first time today, I was able to be 100% honest and it felt amazing and it was appreciated and I felt authentic for the first time in a really long time.

I made some big, important steps this week. Things I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t. Things I’ve put off. Things that have stunted my growth as a human being and a professional. The wheels are finally in motion. I feel like I’m taking care of me right now and practicing some real self-love (no, not that kind of self-love you sickos!).

You all want to hear about my exciting personal life — I just know it! Alas, there is no excitement. Only work, working out, and spending time with friends. Yes, I see Cutie about once a week and we chat almost daily, but there is no news there. Just us being us.

I do want to talk a little bit about boundaries though. When I told my Original FWB that I wasn’t having sex outside of a relationship at this point in my life (I meant it at the time) he was very understanding of my position. He did back-off quite a bit when he was in a relationship, but we kept in touch and as you all know, yours truly was the first person he contacted when they broke-up.

My Original FWB and I were always friendly, and he’s a great guy, but I certainly was not a priority in his life. I was there when he was horny and our relationship was limited to the bedroom only. Funny now that I have put some boundaries in place, he’s finally being the friend I always wanted him to be. The sex talk has stopped, the contact has become more frequent and more substantial, and we do things together that do not involve sex.

It can be a tad awkward because I don’t think we know exactly where we stand with each other, but it’s a good place and it’s authentic and real. It’s a friendship with respect and genuine like. We are going on a hike together on Sunday and I’m really looking forward to it.

I am considering placing the same boundaries on my relationship with Cutie. I think about it often. I think I deserve more. Not that I’m not getting some benefits from him, not that I’m not having a good time, not that this is particularly one-sided, but I sometimes feel like I’m allowing someone to treat me with less than I deserve.

My life is changing for the better and I had something happen today that made me see things differently. Whether what happened was a wake-up call or the start of a new life, I don’t know and won’t know for a couple weeks. I’m not a big “everything happens for a reason” person because I am not spiritual. But sometimes coincidence is uncanny, a little crazy, and the timing is perfect. Anyway, I had a glimpse of the person I want to be, can be, and strive to be. It was weird, in a good way. And even if this doesn’t work out, I know I’m on the right path.

Just happen already!

OK, still waiting. At this point I’m beginning not to care. I told my BFF what I’d done and it was quite a load off and at least I have someone to talk to about it besides all of you who think I’ve gone quite bonkers at this point. Things should be catching up with me shortly. I just want it done and over with. I want to deal. Pay for it. Move on. Lesson learned. The end.