Ridiculist

Must be the cold weather and people are trying to partner up.  Many of them fail . . . miserably.

I have a dog.  He’s not the type of dog that lays in the corner, unnoticed.  He’s in your face, happy, loves attention, wants to play and LOVES everyone.  He’s never met a stranger and does not understand anger, annoyance, sadness or indifference.  My FWB doesn’t hate dogs, but my dog is a bit much for him and while I can laugh at him for acting like a girl when he comes over and the dog is happy to see him (overly happy), I always have to put the dog away so he’s not uncomfortable.  It’s hard to get it on with a dog shoving a stuffed toy in your face, anyway.  So, in my online profile I do mention that I have a dog and prefer a guy who likes them.

I received a message from a man who sent me about three paragraphs of text about how great my profile was (and it was not a cut-and-past deal) that ended with a few sentences about how much he hates dogs, and how that’s really too bad because he thought we were soul mates.  He was kind-of a dick about it.  I tried to let it go . . . wait, who am I kidding? . . . what I really did was become increasingly annoyed and then I emailed him back.  He has kids and I told him his profile was great, but I hate kids.  If he gets rid of his kids, I’ll consider giving away my dog, so that maybe we can live happily ever after.  Makes sense, right? 

I saw two totally fucked-up ads this week.  One was a nasty diatribe about how women who travel, are always busy, exercise a lot, etc. are insane and what’s wrong with just sitting on a sofa and don’t they know anyone boring in their lives?  The tone gave me chills.  The second was an older man, divorced, with kids, a cancer survivor with physical limitations due to implications of the cancer, who wanted a woman within a specific age range, a specific height, a specific weight (10 lbs over is obese, in his opinion), without a Kim Kardashian ass, no kids, exercises regularly, dresses a certain way, etc.  I guess the twist here was that he was offering to pay all her bills.  He should have titled it, “Wanted: Prostitute”.

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Another double

I had another back-to-back dating situation this weekend.

Last night I met up with the guy who was too good to be true.  I assumed it wasn’t going to happen because he never emailed me back.  I was kind-of relieved because I was feeling a little “off” about this one.  So, I texted him and find out and he apologized about not getting back to me, thinking we were all set.  We finalized things via text, which I guess were already finalized.

I showed up at the bar early (totally unlike me).  I was nervous because, as I mentioned before, this guy was too good to be true.  I found a spot looking right at the front door and waited.  Five minutes before our date, I saw a BMW drive by and park.  The driver went inside alone.  I assumed it was him.  So, I texted to let him know I arrived and he told me he was in a back booth.  I hate walking into a bar or coffee shop and looking around for my date.  Embarrassing!

So, I went inside, thinking the best but preparing for the worst.  At first I was disappointed.  He was heavier than his photos and not as attractive.  The photos were old.  However, when he smiled he was pretty handsome and had amazing teeth!  The weight is from his back surgery (college football).  He was given the green light to start working out again this week and says the 20 lbs will come right off.  He’s a year younger than I am and this was the first time I’ve ever so much as had a drink with someone younger than I am.  Weird, right?  But, he’s very wordly, intelligent (like, off the charts), mature, and chivalrous, so he actually seems older than I am.  He was so smart, so experienced, I felt a little intimidated, which was at the same time a turn-on.

We chatted for a few hours and while I thought he was interesting, he would go off on tangents and get really quiet so at times I had to ask him what in the hell he was even talking about (not like that, of course) and from time-to-time I felt a little bored, but it was also late (for me) and I was tired.

Bottom line is that this guy looks amazing on paper and in person he is a nice guy, but I’m not sure if there was any chemistry.  I’d be willing to go out with him again and find out.

Date two was late this morning.  We met for coffee close to my place.  He wasn’t bad looking and at first I took a liking to him.  However, as time went on, I liked him less and less.  It just wasn’t there.  But, I think the thing that really caused me to nix him as a potential is that he is very active in AA.  I think it’s great that he had an issue and did something about it.  I know a few people who could use the same resolve.  However, it’s a lifestyle for him and it seems that most of his friends are also involved in AA.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, I just don’t identify with it, and it’s not something I wish to become involved with.

Double date

I met Guy #1 at a bar near my house and ended up spending a few hours talking to him over a beer.  He is just what I thought — kind-of a player.  He’s attractive and charismatic, but not someone I would have a relationship with.  He just doesn’t have his shit together the way he should.  Maybe something casual, but only if he puts in the effort. 

I left Guy #1 and went to meet Guy #2 on the other side of town.  He was extremely nervous and awkward, kinda whiny, pretty much someone I would not even hang out with as a friend.  We chatted for about 45 minutes.  I drank water and because he was complaning about what a bad day he had for pretty much the entire time, I didn’t want to leave too soon, and make his day even worse.

So, that’s that.  It worked out OK because I didn’t have to drive far and I didn’t have to get ready to go out.  I did miss dinner (a handful of fries and one piece of chicken and a beer) and because I wasn’t home much after work, I had to stay up late and play with my dog, which meant I missed my workout this morning.  Was it worth it?  No, not really.

I was contacted by someone too good to be true.  I’m skeptical.  I will keep you updated.

You talked me into it

This week has been somewhat quiet as far as work, running and social obligations.  So, the two most persistent guys on Match.com get to take me out for a drink tonight.  No, not at the same time (though that would be sooooo efficient).  I promised each of them an hour, one right after work and one right before bed.  Both dates are in different locations, but in a 10-minute drive from my apartment.  This is a perfect scenario for me.  Kinda selfish, I realize, but I just can’t make this a priority right now.  I have no expectations.  But, I did blow-dry my hair this morning and I wore a cute outfit. 

One thing I’ve realized, is that I need persistent.  Not annoying and not someone to chase me.  I return calls and emails within 48 hours.  To do otherwise is just rude.  But someone who shows an interest and doesn’t forget about me is something you don’t see much in the online world, and something I have missed since starting this whole . . . experiment journey.

I think I’ve figured it out

I’m what a lot men say they want in their profiles:

  • Average in size (vs. BBW or whatever)
  • Confident
  • Active
  • Well-travelled
  • College-educated
  • I like a good beer every once in a while
  • Outdoorsy when I’m outdoors, not so much when I’m indoors
  • Love dogs
  • Hobbies of my own (to the point where I’m often too busy to even meet these guys)
  • Have a job/career/make my own money
  • Am shorter than the average guy but still an average height
  • Can get dressed up or dressed down depending on the situation (stupid, but every single profile wants it!)
  • A few bonus items: no kids, don’t smoke, no addictions, decent looking (not a 10 and I am horribly unphotogenic), and have a car

A friend of mine also has dating profiles on the same sites I have.  Speaking purely based on the internet, not of the two of us in person, the major differences one would see right away are that she is a couple years older than I am, she is tall for a woman, and has never been married (whereas I have been divorced). The other thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is that she is very pretty and very photogenic.  She has some of the attributes that men are looking for, but not quite the list that I have.  Which doesn’t mean I’m better than she is.  I would say that overall, she might be a better human being and if there is a judgement day and if there is a God, but room for just one more person in heaven, between the two of us, I would be the one going somewhere really hot.  My friend has a lot of positive attributes that one would not be aware of without meeting her, but for the sake of this post, we’re just talking about the basic, first impression stuff. 

Men who are active (tri-athletes, runners, racers, etc.) contact her and in their profile they say they want an active partner.  Her profile does not claim to ever exercise, hike, bike, run, yoga, etc.  Her hobbies include socializing, shopping, eating out (and not at trendy restaurants — she likes chains the best — so she’s not a foodie, and she doesn’t like alcohol including beer or wine), watching movies, and doing stuff like that.  

But here is the deal — not only does she never mention being active, she has a lot of extra weight on her and she can’t physically do the things some of these men want their partner to be able to do.  When she is thin, she’ll do some active things on occasion (weekend hike or bike ride), but she is not an athlete and she loses weight by restricting food with little to no exercise.  She says she’s curvy, and she is, but she is also a few extra lbs or maybe even a BBW.  And, speaking of pictures, they are all outdated and are of when she was thinner and younger. 

She is attracting men I would like to attract.  Well, some are super metro (she likes that) and some are douchebaggy (she likes that, too) but some are right up my alley in both the way they look, what they are looking for in a mate, and what they have to offer.  It doesn’t make me mad, it’s just difficult to swallow sometimes, when I’m getting the majority of my emails from fat hicks, suburbanites from hell, and in general, weirdos.  The best emails are from Regular Joes, usually no one special, so I give them a chance and am often disappointed. 

You’re probably asking, 1. Why doesn’t she have newer photos or change her profile from curvy to something more appropriate? and 2. What happens after they meet?  Well, like most of us (I have been there, too) who are overweight, we don’t always see ourselves the same way we are seen by others or maybe we don’t want to admit it because it’s just easier to lie.  I don’t know.  But that’s her deal.  I’ve tried suggesting new photos, but she won’t bite.  What happens after they meet is that she is either used or they never call her to ask her out.  This is what makes us talk about the weight and the need for newer photos.  Again, that’s her deal, I’m just there to listen and give advice, if she asks for it.

But, this isn’t about her and her problems . . .

This is about men and how true it is that they just look at the pictures and nothing else really matters when it comes to online dating.  And, if it does, these guys are usually single.  My FWB wants a really pretty girl PLUS a bunch of other, very pin-pointed things (like she has to have an advanced degree in only one specific area, and she can’t have a dog, can’t ever have been married, and the list goes on) and he’ll never find it because he’s unwilling to budge, or he will but she won’t like him back.  Bottom line is, when it comes to online dating, if you’re really pretty and/or photogenic, you win.  If you’re average and/or unphotogenic, you lose, even if you have everything else going for you that they say they want and you’re not even ugly.  I know these men are often bit in the ass because they think they are getting one thing, but they get another.  They are so image-minded that they forget about the truly important stuff.  I know it is what it is, but it’s frustrating, to say the least, especially because I’m not ugly.  But I’m also not a head-turner, like my friend is.  I guess things are different for different people and this is what I’ve been dealt, so I deal with it.

Sometimes you have to look at you

I think that part of the healing process after a break-up is looking inward and figuring out how you contributed to the painful demise of the relationship.  I can sit here all day and talk about what an SOB The Ex is, about how there were other women, how he neglected our relationship, what a liar he was, and much, much more.  He’s a burden to women — there were many before me and there will be many after me.  But the real tragedy, at least in my situation, was that I allowed it to happen.

As I mentioned before, The Ex and I had a history and as we all know, history repeats itself.  I wanted to believe it wouldn’t and I wanted to believe in him.  I was young (well, younger than I am now), fit, attractive, living a great life, yet I gave it up for a relationship with a man who had treated me poorly not once before but three times.  And, over the next four years, things would not go well and I stayed put.  Sure, he was a sociopath, and at times he had me believing some pretty crazy shit, but I knew.

I don’t beat myself up for it.  Well, OK, maybe a little, but I’m getting better.  My energy should be spent on figuring out why I allowed myself to stay in a bad relationship for so long and how to avoid doing the same thing in the future.  We all have patterns and allow things to happen in our lives, then cry about them.  Rinse.  Repeat.  Etc.  It’s human nature.  And, sometimes we’re the only ones who can’t see it.  But often we can but don’t want to.

Like most relationships in peril, I knew things were going poorly way before I left and I spent a long time leaving, disengaging from him and his kids, burying myself in work and my new puppy, spending more and more time outside the home if I knew they were going to be there.  I was plenty angry during this phase, but my point is that I am ahead of the curve as far as getting over and recovering from a bad break-up because I prepared myself for nearly a year.

It’s been only six months since I’ve left and I’m already in a good, albeit a little depressing, place in my life.  I’m doing a lot of inner reflection, a lot of soul-searching, and spending a lot of time healing physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I don’t miss The Ex, but I often miss some of the securities that came along with the relationship. Often, I miss that time of my life because I feel like I missed out on a lot by wasting it.

I think this is why I’m seeking a fun relationship.  Nothing deep, nothing serious, nothing that takes work.  A friendship.  I just want to be happy right now.  Luckily, I am happy.  So maybe that’s why I’m not into it right now?  I’m not sure how to be happy while I’m in a relationship, I’m happy single, so why change it?  Sure, it feels weird to be OK with being single at 36 years old, but the other option is to be in a relationship and, if history does indeed repeat itself, be unhappy again.

Lazy pussies

I’m so sick of receiving texts from potential dates that I’m thinking of getting rid of my texting service.  Actually, I’ll probably keep it but when handing out my phone number I will mention that I don’t have texting capabilities because my phone is broken (and not because I’m technically challenged).

Either way, I have started to “train” my potential dates in regards to the texting thing.  With one guy I casually mentioned that I “hated texting” so he was pretty good about texting only when appropriate.  I was supposed to meet someone on Sunday and truth is, I would have met up with him instead of cancelling like I’ve been doing all week because I got a little bored anyway.  But, he texted me on Sunday afternoon and I just decided to ignore it because when you’re 40 you just don’t ask someone out on a date via text.  He never followed up with a call, so I assumed he was either lazy and not into me enough to bother or he was a pussy.  Either way, no thanks.  On Monday morning I told him I just received the text, I’m not a big texter, and he should’ve just picked up the phone and called me.  I added a : ) so it didn’t come across as bitchy.  He said we should try for another time.  I will wait for his call . . . and I won’t hold my breath. 

This texting thing . . . it’s really juvenille if you think about it.  And, what a waste of time and energy.  Just pick up the fucking phone.  Guys, is it really that much worse to be rejected over the phone than via text?  Well, guess what?  When you’re a texting fool at 40 years old I just assume you are equally as immature in other aspects of your life.  My best friend is also a texting fool and allows these men to text, text, text her 24/7 and guess what?  All the guys she dates are douche bags who only want a piece of ass, have crappy jobs, get shit-faced with their buddies every other day, play video games whenever possible, spend all their money credit on toys, go tanning, and try to look like they are 21 when they are really 40.  Usually, they’ve got a few girls going at any given time.  Any correlation here?  Probably.

So, when it comes to texting, let’s outline when and what should be texted during any given relationship phase:

Before You’ve Even Met (online dating):

Probably no texting with exception to something along the lines of, “Hey, I’m here, I found a booth near the door.  I’m wearing a blue shirt.  See you in a few. : )”

After Your First Meeting (online dating):

“I had a great time.  Let me know you made it home OK.” (especially if it’s late or the weather is poor or if you were drinking)

“Let me know if 9:30 is too late to call you tonight.” (this call should be asking her out for a date) 

“I’m running five minutes late.  Sorry!”

“Got here early, the parking is bad but try the garage on 2nd and Main.  See you in a few. : )”

After Your First Date:

Do not text to tell someone there will not be a second date!  At this stage, an email is OK or just do it over the phone.

See above.

After Your Second Date:

See above.

After Your Third Date:

See above.

Let’s Assume You’re Dating Regularly:

See above, plus . . .

“Hope you’re having a great day!”

OK, Now Let’s Assume You’re Screwing Regularly:

Yeah, can’t type that here . . . plus see above.

You’re in a Committed Relationship:

Pretty much whatever you want, but each person has a preference.  Entire conversations?  Not my style.  Things like, “Do we need milk?” or “Here are the show times, pick one.” work for me.

Girls, are you with me?

Guys, what’s the deal?