No drama, please

One of the first things I do on the morning of a significant holiday is look back to where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt on the previous year. Last Christmas I had just started seeing Cutie, I was getting out of a funk, and I spent the day drunk at my parents’ house and made an ass of myself. That was my last drink for 11+ months, a streak broken by a trip to Las Vegas with some girlfriends earlier this month.

This Christmas my first Merry Christmas text was from Cutie. I haven’t seen him for months since he moved away but we check in from time to time. I miss him. Also, I did not drink or make an ass of myself. It was quiet and low key. The biggest difference was in the amount of Merry Christmas texts sent and received. And that certainly made the holiday warmer. Also, my older sister recently got married and for the first time since she started seeing this guy (who she met online, by the way), I can see how good they are together. I’m happy for her.

Since the guy who was emotionally unavailable and I split up, I do hear from him often. I do not regret calling things off. I can’t deal with someone else’s relationship drama and doubts. I need someone who is a good place and is healthy. He wanted to keep hanging out and getting to know each other so that when he was ready we could just be together. No thanks!

I met another guy, some brain surgeon (seriously) who might be book smart but certainly cannot manage his interpersonal relationships. I was horrified by his ex-wife and kid situation and couldn’t hide it. There was no way that was going to work.

Then, I decided that what I needed was someone to go out with (and have sex with) but not necessarily to have a relationship with. Since nearly everyone I meet is either not someone I would go out with or if they are of interest to me they are broken, I thought it would be nice to have someone for companionship and sex while I’m looking. Plus, my training schedule is going to be a little intense as I ramp up for a full marathon and my goal – to get hot in 2013.

When an internet guy looking for nothing serious got in touch with me I decided to meet in person. I explained to him that ultimately I want a relationship but it is taking so long that I would like someone to date casually while I’m trying to date seriously. He said it made sense and that he was looking at something casual due to his work schedule. Our meeting was a success and we scheduled a date which also went well. He is pretty smitten and of course that freaks me out a little since we have met only twice. I heard from him after our date that he doesn’t know how I feel about him (sigh) and that he can see this being more than he intended. The conversation was a little awkward. He is overthinking it. I heard from him a little the next day and not at all today. I’m not sure if he is busy and/or not much of a texter or if he is now “scared”. If it is the latter, I’m seriously not interested.  C’mon, we are adults here!

I have seen my Original FWB a few times lately and things are great. He sleeps over in my bed but we don’t have sex or even make out, just cuddle. Weird, I know. But it works. Otherwise, I have been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends and it has been wonderful. I feel lovable and loved.

Merry Christmas!

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Life is good – slash – crazy right now!

I found a house and while it was not love at first sight when I finally got inside (it’s vacant and I spent some time roaming around the property), I thought about it a lot, lost some sleep over it, and googled the hell out of things like “how much does it cost to refinish wood floors?”, new bathroom vanities, moulding options, “what is the crime rate in zip code …?”, beaded board dining rooms, and “how to repair broken window seal?” I went back a second time, this time dragging my mother along. I went back a third time, dragging my BFF with me. And, today, I made an offer. I should know more tomorrow. I’m excited, scared, nervous, and feeling really grown-up all of a sudden. I’ve owned a house before, but only because I refianced it with a partner. They were not homes that I would ever choose to own, so even though I’ve been an owner, this is way different, and way better. It helped me to not settle because I know what I want and what I don’t. Of course, I had to stay within my budget which means that the house is kind-of in the ghetto, it’s as big as a crackerjack box, and needs some work. It’s an investment. When the market is in my favor I will rent it out and purchase something maybe better and maybe bigger depending on my life at the time. If things continue to go well for me, I can do it again, and who knows, maybe again? And, when I’m getting ready to retire it will be paid off and I can live in it, continue to rent it for income, or sell it if that means a good payout. We’ll just have to see what the future holds. I’m terrible at saving, so this is a good option for me, it seems.

My love life is non-existant beyone the occasional Cutie moment. I’m still on AFF but completely ignoring it and am going to let it lapse. I received an offer of sex for money and the funny thing is that with the down payment on the new house, moving expenses, and having to purchase a washer and dryer right away, I did think about it for like three seconds. Obviously I decided that it would not be a good idea for reasons to numerous to count.

Speaking of love lives, my sister got engaged. She is in her mid-40s, divorced for about five years, and has a child living with her. Her fiance is a nice enough guy. It gave me some hope that perhaps there is a chance for me, too.

I should hear about the job on Friday. If I receive an offer I will be happy but due to the nature of the pay structure and my (possible) home purchase, I will have to do some heavy negotiating. While I’m not in love with my job and have no clue what the future holds, I feel OK right now so at least I have something to hold onto in the meantime. OK is not a great feeling, especially with the possibility of taking on a mortgage, but the reason for my little ghetto house is that if I were making unemployment, I could still afford it. The mortgage is as much as my rent.

Last weekend I PR’ed at my race which was surprising because I haven’t been running much. I have been CrossFitting and so this makes sense since the race was just a 5k plus I’ve become more adept at really pushing myself physically due to CrossFit. I was very happy with my performance.

That’s it . . . and I think it’s enough!

So much stuff . . .

There is so much going on in my life.

I’ve been making a concerted effort to improve my life, myself, and get to a good place. I’m succeeding. I’m doing all of the things I said I would do including changing my sleeping habits, working out, eating better, and focusing on the good rather than the bad. In turn, I am more focused at work, I don’t feel like eating poorly, I’m not wrapped up in stupid shit, and I have an abundance of energy.

Before when I was busy like this, I thought I was avoiding “life” as in staying so busy as to have an excuse not to date or think about my faults. But really, being busy is the secret to being happy. When you’re not busy and you’re eating, surfing the ‘net, watching TV, online dating, thinking too much, being bored, being unsatisfied with life, that can lead to depression. There is a balance, yes, and I am balanced.

I had my final online date (and possibly my final date ever) for 2012 last night. The guy was very sweet. He’s down to earth, funny, and seems like a good person. He has a good job and all that as well. He’s kinda cute, but certainly not hot. His personality is sweet and a little awkward. I wouldn’t call him charming or sexy at all, but he’s kind and thoughtful. He’s also a bit of a hick, a country boy, maybe even a republican. He’s probably the type of guy that a girl should date. I haven’t heard from him. And I don’t know that I would go out with him again. Not necessarily because of him, but because I’m more interested in me right now.

Later today I’m meeting with a company that offered me a job earlier this week. I have a lot of questions and wanted to negotiate on my salary. I fired off an email early this morning and received a lunch offer to go over everything. They have been courting me for seven months and a lot has changed since then — the position, the salary, the company — so it needs to be discussed.

My BFF is pissed at me and is being passive-aggressive about it. I guess I said something that hurt her feelings and she won’t tell me what it was. She’s tired, cranky, and burnt out. She took a job that required a lot of work with no time off, but with the potential to earn a lot of money. A sales position. I understand her want to rake in the cash, and of course it’s a necessity, but it’s already affecting her negatively. No time to eat right, exercise, sleep, see friends or family, clean, etc. She’s tired, complaining all the time, glued to her work phone, busy, and all she talks about is money. It’s a way of life I will never understand. Perhaps some space is best right now.

Progress

Things are starting to look up.

I’m making an effort on the diet and fitness front. I’m not perfect, but things are moving in the right direction.

Even though I’m PMSing and stressing out (and have a huge zit!) and eating everything that doesn’t run away from me, at least it’s all healthy food. I generally eat a processed-food, grain, and sugar-free diet with very little dairy. The exception is on days when I run an hour or more and the odd event where I try to be flexible. I do eat fruit, but minimally.

Things begin to go awry when I’m depressed. I will stop by the store and purchase other things, like a loaf of really good bread for dinner. Maybe some ice cream. Or Kettle Chips with good french onion dip. Etc., ,etc., etc. When I sleep too much and get blah, I don’t have the time (um, make the time anyway) or the energy to cook or plan meals, which means skipping breakfast and getting take-out for lunch. When I eat bad I have difficult work outs which makes me not want to work out. Also, if I’m not working out a lot and getting up early (which means going to bed early) I tend to instead spend time with a few friends who are not health-conscious which means we go to happy hours and eat the delicious sodium/carb/bad fat laden foods. Can we say vicious cycle?

I managed to get up early once this week to go for a run before work and today for a group run. Which is shitty except for the fact that it’s the first time I’ve done it in months. I slept in too late on most other days this this week and felt like shit all day from a sleep hangover, but managed to walk a few miles with the dog after work. Ironically on the weekday I woke up early and ran a few miles, despite getting just six hours of sleep I felt like a million bucks all day and was more efficient than ever at work. Today I woke-up at 6am and got tons of shit accomplished in addition to my run. Funny how that works. Tomorrow I try a CrossFit class.

Work is going well.

Yesterday I received a call from a local firm that has been courting me for awhile. They said they were writing an offer letter to me next week. I never thought it would happen and unless the amount of money is a lot more than what I’m making now, I probably won’t take it. Same job with some added responsibilities, similar firm, etc. We’ll see . . .

I’m weaning myself off of Cutie and my Original FWB is back to friend status. Also, in regards to dating . . .

Even though he remains a FWB and a friend, I’m trying to get away from the daily texting, etc. Not that I’m not texting him back when I hear from him, but I’m not initiating. I don’t feel the same intense feelings for him that I did at one time. After he left our “thing” for a relationship with another woman I placed him on a pedestal. Now that he’s back, he’s not as perfect as my mind led me to believe. My Original FWB is back to friend status and I’m OK with that. I’m not interested and if I had to speculate, I’d say he’s not either.

My final online date of 2012 takes place on Wednesday. I starting talking to him prior to writing off dating and he seems nice enough and I don’t want to blow him off. It should be uneventful, disappointing, and depressing. I also want to amend this rule. If I should meet someone out and about, I will date him. I mean, he’ll be into me if he asks me out once he’s seen me and talked to me in person. It’s the online dating I’m not doing for the rest of 2012. The liklihood of meeting someone to date in 2012 at the age of 37 is unlikely. So, whatever.

I’m finding that by focusing on other things, I’m rarely thinking about any men, let alone dating and relationships. I know this, and it’s why I stayed so busy after I left The Ex. Maintaining it is the hard part, but I must in order to reach my goals, protect myself, and be happy and healthy.

I haven’t bought any clothing.

The weekends are a tough time as I live close to several different shopping opportunities. I did see some things I would have loved to have had but I did not purchase anything. I’ve realized that I have expensive taste and I need to temper that. I also need to be better about my budget. Gaining and losing weight, then gaining, and losing again, is an expensive habit. I always envy my friends with large wardrobes built up over years when they are able to maintain their size. Must be nice.

Lost . . . and found

I feel like I am drifting along lost and it’s probably because I don’t have a clear plan or clear goals. I’m also not ready to date because I rely on the opinion of strangers to determine my self-worth, apparently, and it also redirects my focus. The fact that I can’t find anyone at all interested in dating me is depressing and sad.

My life over the past three months has been a vicious cycle and a departure from the happiness I was feeling over the past year and I need to get that back. It’s hard when you fall into a black hole of boredom, despair, and sadness. I think it stems from the fact that I’ve worked really hard over the pat year to look better and feel better, yet I’m still not good enough, not in my own eyes and definitely not in the eyes of others. For some reason I can’t get it through my head that I do look better, I do feel better, and I am better off. Just because I’m not at my goal right at this moment doesn’t mean that I will never get there or that I need to give up. I feel like in dating I focus on all of the bad and none of the good. It’s all superficial. It’s not about how I feel or how I’m progressing, it’s all about what they think of me. And, because I have no idea what the truth is, I have to assume it’s because they think I’m fat or ugly or my personality is severely lacking.

Putting myself out there in the dating world has killed my self-esteem. Being a FWB hasn’t helped, either. If I were smart, I’d pull out of both situations. I’m just not that smart, though. Cutie will never be into me for one reason or another, so I might as well keep doing that. However, no more online dating, at least not until I’m at a place where the men are dying to take me out, especially after our initial in-person meeting.

Everything has fallen apart over the past few months: my financials, my home, my fitness, my weight, my self-esteem, my sleep schedule . . . everything. If I had my shit together three months ago, I don’t anymore. It all spiraled out of control. Now it’s time to bring it all back.

Goal 1: No dating for the rest of 2012.

Goal 2: No more FWBs. It’s either Cutie or no one.

Goal 3: Keep working on the fitness and diet.

Goal 4: No more clothes purchases for 2012 (with exception of essential items).

 

 

Lonely

I guess being lonely is part of life, especially adult life. For me, there are ebs and flows. Some weekends are packed with friends, guys, family, activity, and more. And some weekends make me wonder if anyone in this big universe has thought about me once or if they would notice if I disappeared. Sometimes I feel lonely and then realize that I shouldn’t because of the number of people that contacted me that day or my upcoming social obligations.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely. So lonely that I’m sad. So sad that I don’t want to get out and do something to make myself feel less lonely. Like go for a walk in a crowded park, take my dog to a dog park, or even go to the mall. Maybe pick up the phone and call someone. This has turned into a vicious cycle: lonely, sad, do nothing, feel worse, rinse and repeat.

Having Cutie around again has helped a little bit because he’s always there and he satisfies my need for human touch, plus we make each other laugh and smile all the time. On the other hand it has fueled some frustrations. Turns out that Cutie’s ex is a little bit crazy, among other things. And then I’m back to: Why choose crazy over me? Why choose diseased over me? Why choose mentally damaged over me? Why choose physically damaged over me? I guess it’s one of those things about love that no one will ever be able to answer.

I am trying to get out of this funk. I re-opened my OKCupid profile and I changed my dating profiles to be less bitchy but probably more honest than any dating coach would ever recommend. I do feel a little happier lately mostly because I’m thinking of some things to get me going again, including exercise, food, schedule, and maybe moving into the city. Of course, there’s the job search as well and if I do get an offer tomorrow, which I do not expect to get, well that’s a different story.

I am challenging myself to lose 30 lbs by December 1. That’s a lot for me and would be the size that makes me “look good in pictures” (if you are a woman, you know what I mean). It will be difficult because that is thin for me and because I run long distances and have to be able to fuel those runs. Maybe when I’m thin this dating thing won’t be so tough.

Much better

I deleted my OK Cupid profile. I would have deleted my Match.com profile too, but it’s paid through the end of July and I can’t not use it, that would be a waste. However, I will change my profile to be as honest as I can be without coming across as a total bitch and that will most likely guarantee zero responses or maybe just responses from total weirdos which can be fun. I told one guy that I was talking with that I was done and probably moving anyway and he was pretty cool. In fact his response got me to thinking and I realized that I have never dated someone who I met at a bar, grocery store, or in passing. Always they have been men that I’d at least kinda known through school or through work. The only internet dating I have done has been sexual. In that case they come back for more if they are comfortable, they find you at least somewhat attractive, and you are willing to put out. However, over time, they have all ended up relationships, with the guy having feelings for me, or a frienship. So, unless I meet someone online who isn’t looking for instant chemistry or having his socks knocked off in an hour or less, online dating definitely won’t work for me.

But, instead of worrying about dating, I’m focusing on my upcoming job interviews. I have a lot on my plate at my current job. I also have another half-marathon coming up and need to keep my rear in gear for that because there is nothing — NOTHING! — worse than running 13.1 miles when you’re not in shape for it. I’m also stressing about where I might live if I move. That’s totally putting the cart before the horse, but where I live is very important to me. I will not commute more than 15 minutes and I despise the deep ‘burbs commuting lifestyle. I will live in a $1,200 per month 300 square foot apartment near the office in a great area before I live in a cheaper, bigger place far from the office in the suburbs.

Also, I’ve realized that while I’m thinner than I was, I’m still not thin. I have some more weight to lose and that is another focus. Even though my clothing size is small, I’m short and have a large frame for my height so extra weight does not sit well on me. I’m in shape and in fact, when I took a first date on a hike he was huffing and puffing as I led the way and chatted without any heavy breathing. His body type was “athletic and toned” while mine was “average” but I am in better shape than he is. Go figure. I hate that a guy would choose a thin woman even if she was lazy as hell and couldn’t run a quarter of a mile (skinny-fat) over a woman who is more average in size and can run a half-marathon. This world we live in is kinda fucked-up.