No drama, please

One of the first things I do on the morning of a significant holiday is look back to where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt on the previous year. Last Christmas I had just started seeing Cutie, I was getting out of a funk, and I spent the day drunk at my parents’ house and made an ass of myself. That was my last drink for 11+ months, a streak broken by a trip to Las Vegas with some girlfriends earlier this month.

This Christmas my first Merry Christmas text was from Cutie. I haven’t seen him for months since he moved away but we check in from time to time. I miss him. Also, I did not drink or make an ass of myself. It was quiet and low key. The biggest difference was in the amount of Merry Christmas texts sent and received. And that certainly made the holiday warmer. Also, my older sister recently got married and for the first time since she started seeing this guy (who she met online, by the way), I can see how good they are together. I’m happy for her.

Since the guy who was emotionally unavailable and I split up, I do hear from him often. I do not regret calling things off. I can’t deal with someone else’s relationship drama and doubts. I need someone who is a good place and is healthy. He wanted to keep hanging out and getting to know each other so that when he was ready we could just be together. No thanks!

I met another guy, some brain surgeon (seriously) who might be book smart but certainly cannot manage his interpersonal relationships. I was horrified by his ex-wife and kid situation and couldn’t hide it. There was no way that was going to work.

Then, I decided that what I needed was someone to go out with (and have sex with) but not necessarily to have a relationship with. Since nearly everyone I meet is either not someone I would go out with or if they are of interest to me they are broken, I thought it would be nice to have someone for companionship and sex while I’m looking. Plus, my training schedule is going to be a little intense as I ramp up for a full marathon and my goal – to get hot in 2013.

When an internet guy looking for nothing serious got in touch with me I decided to meet in person. I explained to him that ultimately I want a relationship but it is taking so long that I would like someone to date casually while I’m trying to date seriously. He said it made sense and that he was looking at something casual due to his work schedule. Our meeting was a success and we scheduled a date which also went well. He is pretty smitten and of course that freaks me out a little since we have met only twice. I heard from him after our date that he doesn’t know how I feel about him (sigh) and that he can see this being more than he intended. The conversation was a little awkward. He is overthinking it. I heard from him a little the next day and not at all today. I’m not sure if he is busy and/or not much of a texter or if he is now “scared”. If it is the latter, I’m seriously not interested.  C’mon, we are adults here!

I have seen my Original FWB a few times lately and things are great. He sleeps over in my bed but we don’t have sex or even make out, just cuddle. Weird, I know. But it works. Otherwise, I have been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends and it has been wonderful. I feel lovable and loved.

Merry Christmas!

Is this the life?

Many years ago when I was in my teens I befriended a woman through one of my hobbies/sports who was older (my age but back then that seemed “older”). She was single and made a decent salary. She owned a little house and had pets. She did what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. She ate what she wanted to eat and she decorated her home the way she liked it. I thought she had the best life. I wanted one just like hers and, well, it looks like I got it.

I remember her often telling me that she was lonely. I didn’t understand at the time. She had a lot of affairs with married men and inappropriate men. Many relationships were purely physical. It looks like I got that part of her life, too.

I still think she had a good thing going but I ran into her somewhat recently and now I’m not so sure. She is a checker at the grocery store and she looks like hell. It turns out she is something of a crazy, single cat lady now. It kinda scared the shit out of me. I don’t want that.

So, I decided to not only close myself from those people who I have no future with but to open myself up to those I do. I already mentioned saying what I needed to say to a few of the men in my life and that was a good move. I met a guy recently and, well, who knows. I’m sick of false starts so I won’t mention him.

Things are good and they are only getting better.

Doing right by me

I find myself often caring more than I should for the men in my life. Caring is fine but can you care for the wrong reasons? I don’t know exactly why I care but I don’t think some of the people I care about care back. They care when they are bored, horny, tired, stressed, or need an ego boost. I, on the other hand, check in when they are sick or down, tell them happy birthday, remind them I care, and am there for them when they need me. I do it because that is what I want and because I believe that is what friends do.

I’m realizing that I am focusing on the wrong friends. I’m giving where I’m not getting. I’m accepting crumbs. I don’t expect the world just something equal to what I give.

I usedbto see someone that I have mentioned here before but I am not going to link to because I am lazy. I have not seen him in years but we keep in touch. He lives 3,000 miles away. He emails me when he is bored and talks about seeing each other but it does not happen. Well he took a job on my side of the country and plans to be here monthly. He assumed we would spend that time together. I told him via email that I would not see him because I can no longer give and not get. He has not gotten my email yet.

Then I decided to tell my Original FWB the same thing. With him it is different because I think it kills my ego that he will sleep with me but not date me yet he dates women who are highly dysfunctional. When he had surgery I checked on him, I ask him about his new job, I help him when he needs it, and yet he can’t be bothered to do the same for me.

If Cutie were still in town I would do the same with him. I’m so supportive of him and so caring yet he is never there for me unless he wants something.

I’m just tired of it. And I don’t undersrand it. I thought I was a good catch and I’m not sure exactly how that is not true and I really can’t understand how someone can not appreciate someone’s support and thoughtfulness.

I was dumped again for having my shit together. I don’t quite understand that one either. I thought having your shit together was a good thing?

This is not all bad…I have some amazing girlfriends, a good job, my sweet dogs, a pretty cool house, my health, and lots of other stuff. I just need to be pickier as to who I allow into my life. Sad, really.

Date

Even though I have been socializing like mad I still miss the company of a man. Having my Original FWB over last weekend, the warmth and affection was nice. I miss Cutie quite a bit.

I decided to go on a date with someone who seemed nice but not really my type. We met last night at a dive bar. I found myself liking him more than I thought I would and he seemed somewhat smitten which felt really nice especially since I have put on a little weight and feel kinda icky lately.

We are going out again for dinner tonight and I shamelessly asked him to help me put up some curtains. Hey, I’m a new homeowner and I need all the help I can get! He’s a little alternative and bald. He has earrings. He is no Original FWB or Cutie in terms of looks but I can’t help but like the guy. He is smart and nice.

I have a date on Wednesday, too. I don’t have a great feeling about him but I didn’t think I would like Cutie either for the same reasons and look how that turned out!

On Thursday I have a big work networking thing in the super suite at a basketball game. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I’m hoping to strike up a little small talk and perhaps a date with someone cute.

Back to reality

So, I closed on the house and got the keys. Had some work done on it while I packed up my apartment, and moved in on Friday. I spent the weekend cleaning, organizing, and unpacking. I had a houseguest which I thought would be a pain but it turned out fine. It was my Original FWB who was back in town and needed a place to crash. It was a little awkward and yeah we had sex once which I regret. But it had been awhile and I convinced myself that I needed it. I didn’t.

The funny thong about suddenly owning my own house — I say suddenly because one day I thought it would be a good idea and then I did it — is that I feel like such an adult now. I am having a tough time dealing with the dating shenanigans and the issues that all these men bring to the table. I feel like it is going to just be me and this little house for a long time. It is hard to explain.

Cutie leaves this week and I won’t see him before he leaves. I’m OK with that but admit that he is taking a lottle piece of my heart with him.

I received an email from a long ago lover last week who may be taking a job locally. That will never work. More shenanigans.

I almost met a really neat guy from OKCupid but decided not to when he revealed that he and his ex-wife still live in the same house. I have my shit together; why would I ever date someone who doesn’t?

The new job is going OK. It requires more than I’ve been able to give over the past couple of weeks. Luckily my boss is empathetic. I have to clean the apartment this week and then my life will get back to normal. I have three social events this week plus a badly needed mani/pedi. It will be nice to do something with some girlfriends that doesn’t involve a cardboard box and stress eating.

Melancholy

Things are going pretty well in my life. Really, I can’t complain. New job. New house. I’ve got great health. Even though I’ve let life take over and neglected the eating right and exercising part, I still look better than I did when I began this journey. I’ve got a great dog. My BFF is fabulous. I want for nothing, really.

That being said, now that everything has calmed down a bit and the excitement of all this stuff has worn off, I’m feeling sad because I don’t have anyone to share it with. Sure, I have my friends, but . . . it’s different. When I get the keys to my new house, I will be alone. After the first day on the new job I won’t have anyone at home waiting to take me to dinner so that I can tell him all about it. Even though my relationships have obviously never been fantastic, there was at least someone there for me, someone who cared, someone to share these things with.

Tomorrow I have a family event and Sunday I have a friend visiting from out of town for the day. After she leaves I’m meeting my BFF for dinner. Next week I have a dinner with the old lady next door and lunch with my coworkers. Over the weekend, so far I have a hike planned with a girlfriend. And that’s just what I have planned at the moment. So, why is it that I feel so alone?

I can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with me because no one is interested in dating me. It’s one thing to always have been single, and I have friends my age who are in that boat, but that’s not me and I’m still getting used to this way of life. It’s hard. And it makes me realize that you need to be there for people and you need to ask them to be there for you, too, because when you’re not in a relationship you don’t have a built-in support group. As long as your relationship isn’t horrific, it’s comforting having someone there, someone to talk to, someone to touch when you want to. I could use a hug right now and if I were living with The Ex, I could just go to him and hug him. He would hug me back. Yes, he’s an SOB, but it still felt good to have that comfort any time. I guess I’ll just go and hug my dog . . .

I finally heard from Cutie. I think the ship has sailed as far as he is concerned. He’s gotten what he wants from me and now it’s time to move on, I suppose. The situation with him has made me think twice about FWB relationships. I’m not someone who has disposable friends. I usually keep my friends forever. Sometimes we lose touch for a bit, but if they ever needed me, I would be there. I take friendship seriously. Perhaps that is problem. I come across as someone with a tough exterior, but inside I’m actually quite sensitive and I’m easily hurt. I care very deeply about others. Perhaps too much. Maybe that is why I’m so guarded.

I’m going to try hard to be happy for me during this time and make the best of it. Perhaps when things start happening and it is more excitement than stress, it will get better.

Lonely

I guess being lonely is part of life, especially adult life. For me, there are ebs and flows. Some weekends are packed with friends, guys, family, activity, and more. And some weekends make me wonder if anyone in this big universe has thought about me once or if they would notice if I disappeared. Sometimes I feel lonely and then realize that I shouldn’t because of the number of people that contacted me that day or my upcoming social obligations.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely. So lonely that I’m sad. So sad that I don’t want to get out and do something to make myself feel less lonely. Like go for a walk in a crowded park, take my dog to a dog park, or even go to the mall. Maybe pick up the phone and call someone. This has turned into a vicious cycle: lonely, sad, do nothing, feel worse, rinse and repeat.

Having Cutie around again has helped a little bit because he’s always there and he satisfies my need for human touch, plus we make each other laugh and smile all the time. On the other hand it has fueled some frustrations. Turns out that Cutie’s ex is a little bit crazy, among other things. And then I’m back to: Why choose crazy over me? Why choose diseased over me? Why choose mentally damaged over me? Why choose physically damaged over me? I guess it’s one of those things about love that no one will ever be able to answer.

I am trying to get out of this funk. I re-opened my OKCupid profile and I changed my dating profiles to be less bitchy but probably more honest than any dating coach would ever recommend. I do feel a little happier lately mostly because I’m thinking of some things to get me going again, including exercise, food, schedule, and maybe moving into the city. Of course, there’s the job search as well and if I do get an offer tomorrow, which I do not expect to get, well that’s a different story.

I am challenging myself to lose 30 lbs by December 1. That’s a lot for me and would be the size that makes me “look good in pictures” (if you are a woman, you know what I mean). It will be difficult because that is thin for me and because I run long distances and have to be able to fuel those runs. Maybe when I’m thin this dating thing won’t be so tough.