Yep, still waiting

I’m still waiting for it to come down on me. The anxiety comes and goes at this point. I mean, there’s really no reason to be anxious. It’s going to happen, and then I’m going to be screwed. The best course of action I can take is to keep going, to not press the pause button on life, to move forward and put myself back in the driver’s seat. And, of course, to learn from my mistake and definitely not repeat it. You’re all sick of this shit, sick of hearing about it, but I haven’t told a soul so this is where it has to come out. When it’s all said and done I might share more. I don’t know yet.

I’m so busy and so tired with my new schedule that men, dating, and even sex to a certain degree, are not on my mind much. Focusing on myself, on something I can control and see progress in, is so much more satisfying to me than focusing on the unknown. It’s really where I need to be right now.

But, this situation I’m in? It has provided me with some valuable lessons. I’m not sure what’s in store later this week, but I know I’m losing out on a valuable opportunity because of a bad choice and all of the things that were supposed to come with that are now gone. All of that hard work, for nothing. I’ve destroyed someone’s trust in me and disappointed people. And that hurts. But so far I’ve learned that I should never do anything I feel ashamed of. If someone finds out and I’m a little embarrassed, that’s fine. But shame and fear should drive me away from those options. I also need to live less in the moment and look out for my future. I’m a bit of a free spirit at times and tend to forget consequences. And this brings me full-circle to my love life as well, and Cutie. I need to re-evaluate and consider whether or not this relationship is actually bringing anything positive into my life. I’ve really got to work on getting rid of the negative and focusing on the positive. Once this is all over, I’ve got to make things right with myself.

Advertisements

Still waiting

I’m still waiting for the shit storm to rain down on me. I can see the dark clouds, I know it’s coming, it’s just a matter of when. The suspense is killing me. And as much as I don’t want to deal with it, I just want to face the music now and get it over with. Sorry to be so cryptic, but I have to be. I have to remember that this too shall pass.

The only good thing in my life right now is that despite the predicament I am in, I’m not allowing myself to falter in other areas of my life. As much as I want to call in sick, stay in bed all day, sleep to avoid the issue, skip my workouts, ignore all texts, calls, and emails, and eat the discomfort away, I am staying as normal as possible. I know this is what’s best in the long run and I know it’s helping me get through it. I have not told a soul about my predicament, but my BFF (who is no longer pissed at me) knows that something is wrong. I’m telling her stress, which is true, but I just can’t tell her the details. I’m too ashamed.

I’m making some changes in my life. I don’t know how things got to be so upside-down over the past six months. Well, I do. It takes a lot of work for me to be a person I like, a person with her shit together, a happy person. I have to put that effort into myself and not allow things to fall apart again. I can’t understand why that is so hard for me and everyone else makes it all look so easy and natural.

Really, I should be dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Both parents are, and I suppose I have that gene. They self-medicate. My medication, my therapy, my peace, luckily, has always been activity. But, my willpower is weak and I can’t seem to stick with anything for long. I’m easily bored because I have no gratitude. And I should have gratitude because I have a good life. It’s something I need to work on.

Secrets and lies

I think I fucked up big-time and I think it might cost me. A lot. My outlook of “do whatever you want just don’t get caught” has finally come back to bite me in the ass. I’m not a bad person, I’m not a criminal, I’m not out to hurt anyone, I just don’t follow the rules. And, up until now, I’ve been lucky.

Sometimes I feel unethical in my day-to-day life and it causes me anxiety. Mostly, it’s the secrets that I keep. That I was a terrible student, that my father is a raging alcoholic, that I can’t seem to have a healthy relationship, my AFF membership, my FWBs, and my somewhat devious sexual history. Sometimes I’m embarrassed about my family. I’ve felt shame at my eating issues. I feel like a fraud at times. There are things I do that I know I shouldn’t, but I do them anyway. There are things I don’t tell or maybe lie about because I don’t want to be judged.

I know that everyone is allowed a personal life and things like money and sex are very personal. I also know that not everyone is what they seem to be on the outside. People are bankrupt, financially irresponsible, living paycheck-to-paycheck, even though on the outside you would peg them as very responsible and having their shit together. Perfectly decent people are swingers and some people you would never expect have affairs or strange and even illegal fetishes. Some people have substance issues and some have other mental or emotional problems. No one is perfect, no matter how much they seem to be on the outside.

My secrets and lies are not big deals, in the scheme of things, but they are things I wouldn’t want anyone to know and things I worry about people finding out about. My workplace is the most gossipy office I’ve ever known. There is gossip going around about people that would devestate me. I know that if anyone ever discovered any of my secrets, it would spread like wildfire and that bothers me. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is living a life 100% in the open and I’m trying to fit in.

I want to live a life where I don’t have to worry about anyone finding out anything about me. I don’t want to have to worry about it. So, from now on I’m going to live that life. I’m just tired of the secrets. I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of hiding, sneaking, being less than honest with myself and everyone else. I am going to be able to look people in the eye from now on.

I’m not sure how this chapter is going to play out. Whatever happens that is bad, I think I deserve it. But, I think it’s going to be pretty bad. I haven’t slept for days. I have a constant “feeling” in my gut. I’m watching others, waiting for them to see it, too. I’m just biding my time and waiting to be called out. The waiting is killing me, but it’s got to happen and I’ve got to face the music. So, I just sit in my own misery and wait for the shit storm to happen.

So much stuff . . .

There is so much going on in my life.

I’ve been making a concerted effort to improve my life, myself, and get to a good place. I’m succeeding. I’m doing all of the things I said I would do including changing my sleeping habits, working out, eating better, and focusing on the good rather than the bad. In turn, I am more focused at work, I don’t feel like eating poorly, I’m not wrapped up in stupid shit, and I have an abundance of energy.

Before when I was busy like this, I thought I was avoiding “life” as in staying so busy as to have an excuse not to date or think about my faults. But really, being busy is the secret to being happy. When you’re not busy and you’re eating, surfing the ‘net, watching TV, online dating, thinking too much, being bored, being unsatisfied with life, that can lead to depression. There is a balance, yes, and I am balanced.

I had my final online date (and possibly my final date ever) for 2012 last night. The guy was very sweet. He’s down to earth, funny, and seems like a good person. He has a good job and all that as well. He’s kinda cute, but certainly not hot. His personality is sweet and a little awkward. I wouldn’t call him charming or sexy at all, but he’s kind and thoughtful. He’s also a bit of a hick, a country boy, maybe even a republican. He’s probably the type of guy that a girl should date. I haven’t heard from him. And I don’t know that I would go out with him again. Not necessarily because of him, but because I’m more interested in me right now.

Later today I’m meeting with a company that offered me a job earlier this week. I have a lot of questions and wanted to negotiate on my salary. I fired off an email early this morning and received a lunch offer to go over everything. They have been courting me for seven months and a lot has changed since then — the position, the salary, the company — so it needs to be discussed.

My BFF is pissed at me and is being passive-aggressive about it. I guess I said something that hurt her feelings and she won’t tell me what it was. She’s tired, cranky, and burnt out. She took a job that required a lot of work with no time off, but with the potential to earn a lot of money. A sales position. I understand her want to rake in the cash, and of course it’s a necessity, but it’s already affecting her negatively. No time to eat right, exercise, sleep, see friends or family, clean, etc. She’s tired, complaining all the time, glued to her work phone, busy, and all she talks about is money. It’s a way of life I will never understand. Perhaps some space is best right now.

Sometimes I wonder . . .

Remember the former coworker friend who decided he had a thing for me? I mentioned he recently announced a divorce and moved out. They’ve been split up for maybe two months total and he moved out two weeks ago. Of course, I don’t really know what happened because I was not there, so this is all just what he’s told me.

Well, during a group get together yesterday he showed up with a new girlfriend. She’s new, but not as in first-date new. You could tell by the way they were all over each other. While I was surprised due to the recent divorce and the fact that we talk a lot and he didn’t mention it, I was more surprised that she was actually cute. Maybe she is batshit crazy, or a bitch, I honestly have no idea. But he is very unattractive not to mention newly seperated from his wife of 20 years with a very young and special needs child. However, he does have a killer personality.

Of course, I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me for not jumping at the chance to be with him. Is he really all that but my perception is totally skewed? Did I miss out on something great because I’m so picky? I thought about it all night. Of course, besides not being attracted to him (the thought of being intimate with him repulses me), there is the fact that I really did not want to get involved with 1) a friend, 2) a friend who is a former co-worker and friends with all of my coworkers, 3) a married guy (he was married when he announced his feelings for me), (and now that he’s single) 4) someone recently seperated, and 5) someone with a very young child, special needs or not.

This is not about him, his actions, or his feelings. I don’t have a clue what’s going on with him and besides being disappointed that he didn’t tell me the whole story just half when I thought we were good friends, I don’t care that he has a girlfriend. It just makes me wonder if it’s been me that’s been out of whack during this whole dating thing?

Edit: I was re-reading my post for errors and it just hit me that maybe I project too much onto my dates. Maybe I think they are judging me as harshly as I am judging them? Maybe I am too caught up on looks and body and I think that is all they care so I get all weird and defensive in my personality while thinking that they are thinking I’m fat or ugly. Perhaps this is what gets me in the end and why “the more men like me the more likeable I become.” I think I might be onto something here . . .

Progress

Things are starting to look up.

I’m making an effort on the diet and fitness front. I’m not perfect, but things are moving in the right direction.

Even though I’m PMSing and stressing out (and have a huge zit!) and eating everything that doesn’t run away from me, at least it’s all healthy food. I generally eat a processed-food, grain, and sugar-free diet with very little dairy. The exception is on days when I run an hour or more and the odd event where I try to be flexible. I do eat fruit, but minimally.

Things begin to go awry when I’m depressed. I will stop by the store and purchase other things, like a loaf of really good bread for dinner. Maybe some ice cream. Or Kettle Chips with good french onion dip. Etc., ,etc., etc. When I sleep too much and get blah, I don’t have the time (um, make the time anyway) or the energy to cook or plan meals, which means skipping breakfast and getting take-out for lunch. When I eat bad I have difficult work outs which makes me not want to work out. Also, if I’m not working out a lot and getting up early (which means going to bed early) I tend to instead spend time with a few friends who are not health-conscious which means we go to happy hours and eat the delicious sodium/carb/bad fat laden foods. Can we say vicious cycle?

I managed to get up early once this week to go for a run before work and today for a group run. Which is shitty except for the fact that it’s the first time I’ve done it in months. I slept in too late on most other days this this week and felt like shit all day from a sleep hangover, but managed to walk a few miles with the dog after work. Ironically on the weekday I woke up early and ran a few miles, despite getting just six hours of sleep I felt like a million bucks all day and was more efficient than ever at work. Today I woke-up at 6am and got tons of shit accomplished in addition to my run. Funny how that works. Tomorrow I try a CrossFit class.

Work is going well.

Yesterday I received a call from a local firm that has been courting me for awhile. They said they were writing an offer letter to me next week. I never thought it would happen and unless the amount of money is a lot more than what I’m making now, I probably won’t take it. Same job with some added responsibilities, similar firm, etc. We’ll see . . .

I’m weaning myself off of Cutie and my Original FWB is back to friend status. Also, in regards to dating . . .

Even though he remains a FWB and a friend, I’m trying to get away from the daily texting, etc. Not that I’m not texting him back when I hear from him, but I’m not initiating. I don’t feel the same intense feelings for him that I did at one time. After he left our “thing” for a relationship with another woman I placed him on a pedestal. Now that he’s back, he’s not as perfect as my mind led me to believe. My Original FWB is back to friend status and I’m OK with that. I’m not interested and if I had to speculate, I’d say he’s not either.

My final online date of 2012 takes place on Wednesday. I starting talking to him prior to writing off dating and he seems nice enough and I don’t want to blow him off. It should be uneventful, disappointing, and depressing. I also want to amend this rule. If I should meet someone out and about, I will date him. I mean, he’ll be into me if he asks me out once he’s seen me and talked to me in person. It’s the online dating I’m not doing for the rest of 2012. The liklihood of meeting someone to date in 2012 at the age of 37 is unlikely. So, whatever.

I’m finding that by focusing on other things, I’m rarely thinking about any men, let alone dating and relationships. I know this, and it’s why I stayed so busy after I left The Ex. Maintaining it is the hard part, but I must in order to reach my goals, protect myself, and be happy and healthy.

I haven’t bought any clothing.

The weekends are a tough time as I live close to several different shopping opportunities. I did see some things I would have loved to have had but I did not purchase anything. I’ve realized that I have expensive taste and I need to temper that. I also need to be better about my budget. Gaining and losing weight, then gaining, and losing again, is an expensive habit. I always envy my friends with large wardrobes built up over years when they are able to maintain their size. Must be nice.

Lost . . . and found

I feel like I am drifting along lost and it’s probably because I don’t have a clear plan or clear goals. I’m also not ready to date because I rely on the opinion of strangers to determine my self-worth, apparently, and it also redirects my focus. The fact that I can’t find anyone at all interested in dating me is depressing and sad.

My life over the past three months has been a vicious cycle and a departure from the happiness I was feeling over the past year and I need to get that back. It’s hard when you fall into a black hole of boredom, despair, and sadness. I think it stems from the fact that I’ve worked really hard over the pat year to look better and feel better, yet I’m still not good enough, not in my own eyes and definitely not in the eyes of others. For some reason I can’t get it through my head that I do look better, I do feel better, and I am better off. Just because I’m not at my goal right at this moment doesn’t mean that I will never get there or that I need to give up. I feel like in dating I focus on all of the bad and none of the good. It’s all superficial. It’s not about how I feel or how I’m progressing, it’s all about what they think of me. And, because I have no idea what the truth is, I have to assume it’s because they think I’m fat or ugly or my personality is severely lacking.

Putting myself out there in the dating world has killed my self-esteem. Being a FWB hasn’t helped, either. If I were smart, I’d pull out of both situations. I’m just not that smart, though. Cutie will never be into me for one reason or another, so I might as well keep doing that. However, no more online dating, at least not until I’m at a place where the men are dying to take me out, especially after our initial in-person meeting.

Everything has fallen apart over the past few months: my financials, my home, my fitness, my weight, my self-esteem, my sleep schedule . . . everything. If I had my shit together three months ago, I don’t anymore. It all spiraled out of control. Now it’s time to bring it all back.

Goal 1: No dating for the rest of 2012.

Goal 2: No more FWBs. It’s either Cutie or no one.

Goal 3: Keep working on the fitness and diet.

Goal 4: No more clothes purchases for 2012 (with exception of essential items).