Is it possible for men and women to just be friends?

I have always really enjoyed the company of men but I’ve never had any good male friends. Not even during my college years. I’ve spend a lot of time talking to guys at school or at work, but I’ve never had any real guy friends — the kind who call to chat or send texts or emails, who take you to their work parties as a faux date and who I could take to a wedding as a non-serious plus one. I have had men I thought I was becoming friends with try to get me to sleep with them. And then we just couldn’t be friends after that or they lost all interest in me. Basically, if a man has been in my life outside of the office, he was my boyfriend or fuck buddy. I’ve never had a boyfriend or FWB start off as a friend — there were always clear intentions up-front. I should say, I don’t dress sexy, make sexual references, come across as highly sexual, or flirt. I don’t even know how to flirt!

But, lately I’ve been making more male friends, usually my co-workers and probably because of my somewhat recent interest in participating in sports. Plus, my job of nearly two years is male-dominated. My three most recents “flings” are all friend material, but only one has really stepped up to the plate (Cutie) as someone who could be a true friend. My Original FWB can’t be my friend because he wants to sleep with me and has a girlfriend who won’t have sex with him. Runner . . . well, I don’t know what is up with him. He did text me yesterday to tell me he’s recovered from all of his recent travels and wants to “connect” and “chat”. I texted him back, “OK” and haven’t heard anything. I need to give him his dishes and, I admit it, I do want to hear what he has to say (though I think I can guess) but I can’t put any effort into him anymore. Afterall, I can only give what I get. “OK” is the most I can do. I digress . . .

About a year ago I made friends with a co-worker. He has lots of friends, both male and female. He is also married and has a child. He’s a good guy, funny, non-threatening, easy to get along with, kind, all that good stuff. I don’t find him attractive but honestly I’ve never really thought about it. He’s a buddy type, plus he’s married. He left for a different position maybe six months ago and we’ve stayed in touch. Last night he invited me (last-minute) to be his faux date to an event. It was cocktail attire so we both dressed up and met near the venue to have drinks with mutual friends.

We went to the event, had a nice time, and settled in the back eventually. This is where things went awry and he vomitted some information that I really did not want to know right onto my lap. Basically, he and his wife had gotten into the swinger lifestyle not too long ago. They have extended that lifestyle and agreed that they could each see people on their own with whom they have a connection. I do not doubt their marriage is strong and they have been happily married for nearly 20 years. I was not phased by any of this as I have heard my share of stories from friends who were also into it or had dipped their toes. No biggie. I’m pretty open-minded anyway.

Then, much to my dismay, the bomb was dropped. He told me he found me very attractive and felt a connection to me. I did not allow it to go farther than this and cut him off by thanking him for the compliment and telling him he’s a good friend and that I felt a frienship connection with him as well. I tried to save the evening but it ended poorly and then he sent a text to apologize and . . . yeah. I don’t know. I drove home disappointed. Another one bites the dust.


And so . . .

Cutie called me out on the not texting him back stuff. I was planning on it, but just when I was in a better space as I didn’t want to say anything that I’d regret. He was concerned and wanted to know if I was OK. I texted back right away that I was fine and was sorry to make him worry, and that I was just in a little funk. I said I felt overwhelmed. He said some sweet and uplifting things, and mentioned that it’s OK to show my human side. He knows I put on a tough face and has mentioned it before. We made arrangements to see each other on Thursday. He told me if I “needed a break or something else” to just talk to him. He’s totally onto me.

Part of me says to tell him the truth, but I’m not sure what that would sound like. I don’t want a committed relationship, but I want more than what we have. What does that even mean? Please, enlighten me because I have no clue! In fact, on my run tonight I was thinking about what I want, from Runner and from Cutie, and I couldn’t come up with the right answer. As always, I came back to my fears of getting into a relationship, feeling smothered, being depressed and fat, losing myself, hating life, and the end of a relationship, which always hurts. Then putting myself back together . . . again.

I don’t want to lose Cutie. I really like him as a human being. He doesn’t play games, he is sweet and kind, and he is really special to me. I’ve never met anyone before who I want to make happy and who I can 100% be myself around. I don’t want to let him go, but I don’t want to ruin it either by getting into a relationship. I wish he saw me the same way and we could figure out how to make it work for us both.

The reality with Runner is that I don’t know him well enough to form any real opinions of him. I know a lot about him on the outside, but that’s it. We’re still getting to know each other. And while I’m interested in continuing to persue things, in some ways it’s depressing because I wish he was Cutie. That’s not really fair to Runner and I’m not being 100% honest to Cutie, which causes me a lot of stress. I always want to try to do the right thing. I care about Cutie a lot and Runner is a nice guy who is investing a lot into getting to know me. But at this stage, with my relationship with Cutie being totally NSA and my relationship with Runner being so new, I shouldn’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong.

Date, date, sex

Runner and I met at the movie theater on Friday night, along with every tween girl within 10 miles of the place. He was sweet to me, such a gentleman. There was no talking or touching, just some occasional looks when something weird or funny happened. After the movie he asked if I wanted to get something to eat and since I was starving I said yes. We walked to a few restaurants nearby and he let me pick. We closed the place down . . . again. The conversation is never dry or belabored. Though it’s not deep, either. I think it’s just right for two people getting to know one another.

When we were kicked out of the restaurant he walked me to my car. I had forgotten my coat at work so he insisted on placing his on my shoulders while he froze during our long trek through the parking lot. Once we arrived at my car, we started to say our good-nights (always awkward!) and before I was able to take his jacket off and give it to him, he grabbed the lapels and gently pulled me closer for a kiss. It wasn’t a big, sloppy “I want to fuck you right now” kiss, but a sweet and semi-sexy kiss. About 20 minutes later I received a very sweet good-night text from him and in the morning an email about how much we seemed to have in common and how much he was enjoying getting to know me. It almost felt like a sales pitch. Nonetheless, it was a very nice note.

He is well aware of my want to take things slow and let it develop naturally. He seems to respect my wishes and tries not to smother me, even though he wants to see me or reach out more often. I appreciate him wanting to abide by my wishes and taking my feelings into account. I’m trying not to be too aloof or too unavailable. I’m just trying to be me but not seem uninterested. I am interested, I just need to take things slowly.

I didn’t sleep well on Friday night even though I got home super late. I was up early the next day working out, running errands, and just trying to get things done. I met a guy that I’d been chatting with on OKCupid. He was really nice but his emails were really long. He seemed smart, kind, normal, so I thought I’d give it a chance. We met for lunch and he was really awkward. He was not as attractive as in his photos. And, the thing that I liked the least about him was that he had bug eyes. He always look surprised or crazy. His voice was shaky and he seemed really nervous the entire time. Conversation was OK but uninteresting. I was tired. He walked me to my car and we hugged good-bye. He emailed me this morning to ask me out again. I’m going to have to tell him no.

After I came home, exhausted, I decided to walk the dog who I’ve been neglecting a little over the past week with my work and social schedule. While on my walk, Cutie texted me. He ended up coming over at 8:00. He stayed the night and we had sex for hours then woke each other up three times during the night for more. I feel like a zombie. I’ve never had such great sex in my life. It’s not that his technique is that much better than anyone else’s, but our relationship is so open and honest. There is a comfort level there that is amazing. We have chemistry, but not the instant kind that knocks you off your feet – this is more authentic (or something). After my break-up with the Ex and I was spending a lot of time with my BFF, we’d talk about what we were looking for, or not looking for, and I remember once telling her that my ideal relationship would be as easy as our friendship. We would both be able to be ourselves, there would be no games, if one of us became upset with the other person it wouldn’t be a big deal, we’d trust each other, we wouldn’t judge one another, and we’d laugh a lot. I also wanted a relationship where I didn’t feel blinded by love, one where I could see clearly, something that developed over time. Clearly, Cutie is not my best friend, but things are shaping up to be easy and wonderful, like I wanted in a mate. Which is both good and bad.

My BFF says I have the best of both worlds right now. I have a man I’m dating who I go out with and is very nice and sweet to me, who wants to get to know me outside the bedroom and take things from there. And I have great, uncomplicated sex with a guy I have incredible chemistry with, plus a unique closeness that I haven’t shared with anyone before. I know I’m jumping ahead a bit, but I’m afraid that this might end up in an uncomfortable situation where I have to have conversations I don’t want to have. Or where I have to choose and the one I want won’t want me back. I’m going to try to have fun with this and let things happen, let the cards fall wherever they may.

I had two additional dates this weekend but I can’t do it. I need some alone time, sleep, and have a lot to do. So, I postponed.

Ummmm . . .

I don’t even know what to call this post.

Life has been good, maybe a little dull as of late, even though I’ve been busy. But that’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned. If there is no mail in my box and my phone doesn’t beep or ring all day, I’m happy. Weird, I know. But sometimes it’s nice just to “be”.

AFF has been crazy as of late, but I haven’t met anyone new. Sometimes I get to talking with someone and realize I don’t want to meet them. There are men who contact me who are really good-looking and kinda douchebaggy. I think that maybe they are just fashionably aware and I should give them the benefit of the doubt? Afterall, they are super attractive. It always turns out the same in the end and I lose interest. There’s only so much we can talk about when they have nothing going on besides work (usually in an industry that takes no real intelligence, just good sales and people skills, and you can make lots of money – like real estate), going to the gym, tanning, happy hour/clubbing, shopping, watching television, getting some sort of cosmetic procedure, and girls. No passion in life, no wittiness, just a really good-looking but empty shell. Blech!

I did see Cutie last week for an amazing fuck session. He got a Viagra prescription that we’re using recreationally. It’s a lot of fun. I have to be honest with you, little blog, I’m not entirely comfortable with my relationships with Cutie and my original FWB as of late. We have sex and always have a great time talking afterward, but I hate that our relationships are only in the bedroom. Why not go to dinner, talk it out, then go fuck, talk a little more, then go? The insecure side of my thinks that maybe they don’t want to be seen in public with me. I know that’s slightly ridiculous, but sometimes it feels like it’s on the downlow for some reason or another when it doesn’t really have to be as we are all single adults. My past relationships like this usually involved a meal or something similar at least half the time, so this is different to me. I don’t think I need to address this with my original FWB as things are sort-of stuck in the mud with us. But I feel the need to bring it up with Cutie. I’m just not sure how without looking like a) I want a relationship, b) I’m insecure, or c) I’m creating drama. I do know that he’d want to know if I were feeling any misgivings and I do know that I need to be true to myself and do what feels right. I also know that I’m PMSing so I need to wait until that has passed before bringing anything up.

The blues

This time of year is always pretty sucky for me. I’m happy, but just tired. And kinda “bored”. I’m busy, but still bored, maybe just blah. And then I get all introspective and shit and am too much in my own head.

Also, my BFF is still dating this guy, who is not a good guy. So, not only have I been replaced for the most part, I can’t even really be happy for her because the guy is a loser and whenever I do talk to her she spends the whole time unhappy about her relationship with him, worrying about what he’s doing, and talking about how much she can’t trust him. Etc., etc., etc. I can tell her that he has shown her who he is but she chooses not to believe it until I’m blue in the face, but unfortunately, she has to be the one to see it and deal with it. I don’t do well keeping my mouth shut, especially when it’s so obvious that the guy is an SOB, so when she does call I’ve been trying to keep my mouth shut, which basically means saying, “OK, gotta go!” It’s hard to watch your best friend putting herself through crap. I guess she watched me do it, too. I’ve really got to learn to keep my opinion to myself, listen without giving unsolicted advice, and just be supportive and there when she needs me. But it’s sooooo hard!

And, I know I shouldn’t be complaining about not getting laid because it’s been pretty regular as of late. But, I guess I just need more. I end up with these guys who, like me, have full lives with work, hobbies, friends, and family, and unfortunately our free time does not always mesh. I guess that means I need to add more men to my “stable”. So, I’ve been looking, and having little to no luck. I’m also keeping my eyes open for a potential, future (when I feel comfortable) threesome with Cutie.

One of the issues is flakes. I don’t have time for flakes. The other issue is finding someone who is able to respect a woman who is open sexually, and not treat her like a walking vagina. A lot of men see in black and white: pure and sweet, i.e., a real lady who deserves respect (but only does it missionary and only during a full moon) or, basically, a dirty whore. I like men who value us “dirty whores”. They are a lot of fun.

I met someone yesterday who was a nice guy and all, but I’m not attracted. It’s that simple. Tonight I’m busy. Tomorrow night I’m meeting another guy. He’s more my type than yesterday’s guy, but an in-person meeting will tell me everything I need to know. I have a few others I am communicating with, but no one I am thrilled about at this stage in the game.

Cutie’s only free night this week was a night that I’m not available. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. Even though I’m all for non-monogamy, I’m wondering how it works time-wise? Do you have a number one, two, three, etc.? Do you decide based on who asked first? Or does everyone offer something different so you decide based on what you’re in the mood for? And, what if you are super busy but you’re in a relationship (non-monogamous). How do you make sure you’re spending time with your partner while also spending time with others?