Oops … I forgot to mention something

I meant to say something sooner.  But then I got busy and before you know it I was on a plane.  I’m finishing up a two-week-plus vacation. 

There were no men involved.  And, I left right after my great date so there has been no second date.  He did email me once but didn’t say that he couldn’t wait for me to come home so he could see me again.  But, who knows.

I haven’t forgotten about my blog or all the men waiting on my return to the states (ha ha … no, really, there are a couple).  I’ve got some flying, laundry and sleeping to do, but things should be back to normal in a few days.

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It’s funny how things work sometimes

I re-instated my OK Cupid account.  I guess I’ve been feeling more confident lately, not so afraid of rejection or lack of interest.  And, I don’t know, for some reason I’m feeling more . . . open.

I received a note from someone who interested me.  He wasn’t gorgeous, but there was something about him that intrigued me.  I responded and we ended up emailing.  LIke any good online dater, he asked me out immediately and we decided to meet this evening for a quick drink.

I had to work today — deadline — so I asked if he would mind coming to my side of town.  I felt bad, but it was the only way I would be able to do it.  He agreed, and was sweet about it.  When I was in a good place at the office, I got ready and left for the meeting place early, since I knew parking could be tricky.

It was 6:40 and I was 20 minutes early.  To bide the time, I sat on a park bench and called a friend to chat.  The guy and I had decided to meet for frozen yogurt (I’m getting sick of drinks or coffee) and at five minutes to seven I walked to the store.  And waited.  At five minutes after seven, I texted him to let him know I was there. He texted back that he was on his way.  And then I waited some more.

Just to preface this a bit . . . After a fitful night without much sleep, I was up at 6:30 AM. I went for a long, uphill run in the heat at 8AM.  After eating and showering, I went into the office and frantically worked until I left to meet this guy. Besides breakfast at 10AM, the only thing I’d eaten was whatever I could scrounge at the office: a handful of Wheat Thins, some almonds and dried cranberries.  I was hot, tired and hungry.

At 7:20 I decided I was done.  I had told this guy that I was under a deadline (which was why I needed to meet close to my office) and I knew he had his cell phone on him, so why couldn’t he text me or call to let me know he was running late and to apologize?  I was also texting my friend, to let her know how annoyed I was, and, well, I just got myself all worked up and pissed.

I left at 7:21.  I thought about texting him or calling him and let him know but then I decided to let him sit there alone and wait it out.  As I was driving toward home, fuming, thinking about the situation, it suddenly hit me that we did not decide to meet at 7:00, we decided to meet at 7:30!

Holy shit!

I took a left back into the shopping center, sped through the parking lot and parked at 7:28, getting to the store before 7:30.  All I could think about was what an ass I would have made of myself had I gone home.  I even bought his yogurt because I felt guilty!  Which, by the way, was the first time in my life I have ever sprung for the first date.

A few hours later, he bought our drinks . . .  I think I might kinda like this guy.

Weird

Yesterday during a slow period at work, I was biding my time, messing around online.  Specifically, I was poking around Facebook. 

So, talk about a blast from the past, I stumbled across my first true love.  The guy I gave my virginity to.  I hadn’t thought about him forever.  It was weird seeing his piercing blue eyes again, and thinking back to the time when we were together.  He had a white Toyota pick-up, lifted of course, with a booming sound system.  We listened to Millie Vanilli (“Blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah . . .”) while he taught me to drive.  It wouldn’t last because he was too old for me.  I told him I was 17 when I was really 14.  And he was something like 22.  The truth came out and it was over.  Also, my dad found out.  It’s a miracle he’s still alive to have a Facebook page.

We had sex once.  It hurt so bad, I didn’t do it again until I was nearly 17.  I didn’t understand why people did it.  And, it was the first time I’d touched a penis, too.  Gross!  Clearly, I was too young to be doing it anyway. 

He’s in his forties now.  Bald and overweight.  He’s a truck driver.  Married.  His wife is very overweight but you could tell that she was once thinner.  She is pretty and in her photos always has her hair and make-up done.  He has two teenaged girls and a couple dogs.  Lots of photos of camping trips and going to Disneyland.  Posts about what they had for dinner.  Typical family life around these parts.  I’m glad I escaped it.

For a second I thought about saying hi, but decided against it.  I wonder if he would remember me?

Feast or famine

Seems like the dating thing has quite the extreme highs and lows when it comes to numbers, anyway.

After dating the guy I just wasn’t into, I found some confidence in myself.  The working out is helping, too.  I’m feeling hotter and looking hotter.  Feels good!  However, I wasn’t feeling so “hot” on Friday and it turns out I had strep throat, so with my antibiotics and a few movies, I stayed in all of Friday night and Saturday.  While I was going stir-crazy hanging out in my apartment I decided to go on Match and start “winking”. 

I pulled up all possible matches and winked away for at least two hours.  It was exhausting!  I can’t even imagine emailing all those guys, being witty and interesting.  And, to be honest, even though I was going to start contacting men, it’s just not me.  I think a “wink” is appropriate, then you need to let them take the lead.  It just works better that way.  And, I’m not a chaser.  Never have been and never will be.

I’m emailing a few.  I told one of my serial texter guys that I’m done being his penpal.  We either meet, or we don’t.  So he set up a date and time.  I’m not all that excited about this one, but I’ll let him buy me a drink.

Too bad

I went on another date with that guy.

He invited me to his place for dinner.  My BFF told me he was probably expecting third date sex.  I argued that it was the second date.  The first date was a meeting, not a date.  Doesn’t count.  But maybe she was right?  So, not wanting to deal with denying sex with a guy I wan’t sure about, I tried to suggest something else.  Didn’t work.

I wasn’t afraid, it was just that 1. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him relationship-wise, 2. regardless of relationship feelings, I didn’t find him particuarly sexy (i.e., he wasn’t FWB material), and 3. this was the deciding date — if I still didn’t feel “it” for him, I wasn’t going to see him again and if I got caught up in the sex, it would have made it difficult to end it.

When I arrived at his place, I knew we weren’t going to be a good match.  He is so “upper class-suburb” without a grain of creativity or character.  His bathroom was matchy-matchy with a golf theme.  Even the rug was golf-themed.  I sneaked a peek at his bedroom, which was ocean-themed, complete with a bucket and tools to play in the sand (that wasn’t used — it was for decoration only).  It hit me that he was the guy who had the big, new, cheap house in the suburbs.  He was most comfortable on cruise ships and in resorts while traveling, and was basically just one big, boring cliche.

As always, the conversation was good.  That was one thing we could do . . . talk.  But, as he is hard of hearing in one year, I had to talk loud unless I wanted to be annoyed with a lot of “pardon mes?” and sometimes he just wouldn’t understand what I said and that would lead to corrections and confusion.  Talking loudly gives me a headache.

At this point, I was ready to go and I knew for sure he wasn’t the one for me.  Great guy and so nice though, I couldn’t just eat and run, so I accepted his invitation to sit on the sofa.  We talked some more, while he kept trying to go in for a kiss.  Can you say awkward?  Finally, he did, and I half-heartedly kissed him back.  His hand started up my shirt and darted at my crotch.  I kept my legs crossed.  Then I said I had to go.  He climbed on top of me and kinda straddled me.

If the wind blows the right way, I get horny, and I’m not afraid to go for it.  But this was not working for me.  Not at all.  I repeated myself a few times and he finally got the hint, but asked when he could see me again.  I told him to call so we could discuss.  He invited me on a beach trip this weekend.

The next day I emailed him and told him that while he was great and I really wanted to like him in that way, I just didn’t.  End of story.  He was very sweet about it in his reply.  And, that was that.

Feelings on overdrive

After a very awkward date last night, on the way to pick something up at my parents’, I drove by my ex’s house.  Not because I was being a creeper, but because I wanted to see the status of the house, my house, our house.  There was a red BMW in the driveway this time.

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

I wasn’t shocked.  My adrenaline wasn’t pumping.  I just felt . . . disappointed.  In him, in myself, in life, in love, in everything.  And, I guess I was angry.  Because he screwed me over.  And because I allowed it. 

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hands
And you played it
To the beat

Then, I thought about all the lies.  He was such a good liar.  Four years of lies.  Lies I didn’t want to believe.  But I did.  And then, I lied to myself.  I remembered all the lies he told to everyone before me, the lies he is probably telling to her, or to them, and the lies he’ll tell everyone in the future. 

Oh, And the award for
The best liar goes to you (goes to you)
For making me believe (that you)
That you could be faithful to me
Let’s hear your speech, Oh

Finally, I realized that even though he destroyed part of my heart, I’m in a far better place now.  I tried to squeeze a good memory of us from my mind and I couldn’t.  I wanted to cry, but there was nothing to cry over.  I tried to be sad, but I couldn’t.  I have no one to hold me, to hug me, no warm body to curl up next to, but I also don’t have to worry about the lies, the cheating or the the mind-fucks.  I’m doing OK and for the first time in a long time, I am happy and secure.  It hurts.  But I’m me again.

I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.