Back to reality

So, I closed on the house and got the keys. Had some work done on it while I packed up my apartment, and moved in on Friday. I spent the weekend cleaning, organizing, and unpacking. I had a houseguest which I thought would be a pain but it turned out fine. It was my Original FWB who was back in town and needed a place to crash. It was a little awkward and yeah we had sex once which I regret. But it had been awhile and I convinced myself that I needed it. I didn’t.

The funny thong about suddenly owning my own house — I say suddenly because one day I thought it would be a good idea and then I did it — is that I feel like such an adult now. I am having a tough time dealing with the dating shenanigans and the issues that all these men bring to the table. I feel like it is going to just be me and this little house for a long time. It is hard to explain.

Cutie leaves this week and I won’t see him before he leaves. I’m OK with that but admit that he is taking a lottle piece of my heart with him.

I received an email from a long ago lover last week who may be taking a job locally. That will never work. More shenanigans.

I almost met a really neat guy from OKCupid but decided not to when he revealed that he and his ex-wife still live in the same house. I have my shit together; why would I ever date someone who doesn’t?

The new job is going OK. It requires more than I’ve been able to give over the past couple of weeks. Luckily my boss is empathetic. I have to clean the apartment this week and then my life will get back to normal. I have three social events this week plus a badly needed mani/pedi. It will be nice to do something with some girlfriends that doesn’t involve a cardboard box and stress eating.

Advertisements

Life

Something’s happened between me and Cutie. No, nothing bad. Just an understanding. Since our reconnection things have been lighter. I don’t know if it’s because I now know for sure where things stand or if I’m comfortable with our situation, but either way, it’s good. It’s enjoyable. The sex, as always, is amazing. But we’re laughing more, joking more, getting to know each other more. We spend more time together. It’s good, comfortable, open. I like it.

But — there’s always a but — I’m not sure how I will be able to pursue dating while having Cutie in my life. While he’s not perfect, there are many parts of him that are exactly what I want in a partner and how I want to feel with my partner. He’s the only man who I’ve ever been 100% able to be myself with. It brings out the very best in me and I have never felt so free, open, or happy. When I’m with him I feel as able to be myself as I do when I’m with my best friend. And then there is the sex. I’m completely spoiled.

This is a dilemma. However, with my bad luck in dating I guess I shouldn’t worry about it. Speaking of dating, I did meet someone from OKCupid yesterday. It was one of those instances where you see him before you actually meet him and hope that’s not the guy you’re there to spend time with but you know it is. I couldn’t be an asshole and call it off, so I went through with it. He was nice enough, but I was not attracted. He was bald and clean-shaven, but with sideburns. His teeth were not only crooked and gapped (which is not that big of a deal to me) but they were so yellowish-brown and coffee-stained that I could hardly stand to look at them. He was wearing a give-away t-shirt tucked into old acid-washed jeans and crappy sneakers. On top of being unattractive he mentioned therapy about three times which is not a good thing to talk about on a first date. He pointed out that I was dressed up and that he was dressed like a slob. That was tied to him thinking I basically looked like I belonged in “plastic-ville” or that I looked “sterile”. Meanwhile I’m wondering why a person would dress like a slob on a first date?

The guy I met on AFF on Friday, while very attractive and totally my type, is not going to work afterall. He grossed me out and I can’t get over it. I understad that it’s about sex, but I don’t think that’s a reason to be overt. I really have to get to know a guy at least a little in order to truly be turned on by him. If I am not intimate with someone, talking sex, besides in general, does nothing for me. I can’t quite explain it. But I suppose it has something to do with my brain needing to be part of the process.

After coffee, not only did he ask to come back to my place to fuck (which I declined), he walked me to my car and kissed me. With tongue. That could’ve been sweet if he hadn’t asked to come over. He was also a little aggressive and then he grossed me out when he grabbed my boob and starting asking me questions such as: do I squirt?, what color are my pubes?, is my pussy wet?, and do I have multiple orgasms? He had a big boner but was lacking in the charm department.

At this point I understood that when he looked at me all he could see was a vagina. I could have been shot dead right then and there and it would not have mattered. I was just a body and he did not care about me, as a human being. At that moment, he was nothing more than an animal to me. He might as well have been a dog humping my leg. It’s not my style.

TGIF – I guess

I’m working hard to get back on the wagon: diet, fitness, sleep, work, etc. I’ve had some good moments. I find that I allow myself — even force myself — to become distracted when I need to push myself, to be uncomfortable. In work, in life, in exercise, everything. I don’t know what that’s about, but I do know that it needs to change.

As I mentioned, I spent some time with my Original FWB. For me, it feels like a real effort. I don’t feel like he’s all that interested. And, frankly, I am not losing any sleep over it. I even told him today that I think he’s still sprung on his ex. He totally is. The bottom line is that unless he decides to make an effort toward me, we’re going to stay friends. That’s OK. He’s a decent guy, a good catch, but I’m thinking he’s not the guy for me, and I’m not the girl for him. I’d try, but it takes two, and I can’t really put any effort into this alone or with someone who does not seem interested.

I met a guy from AFF today. He’s alright. Tomorrow I am meeting someone from OKCupid and I’m sure that it won’t work. Whatever. I’m seeing Cutie tonight, so that’ll make things better. For a few days, anyway.

Oh, and about the job. I did not get it. But, they offered me another one in another state. I told them if they would pay my relocation I would consider it. I don’t think they will and now that I’ve said it, I’m a little nervous because it’s a place I don’t think I could live. I should hear more on Monday. Good news is that if an opening ever comes up locally, they would take me. Anyway, the reason they did not choose me is understandable.

Overwhelmed while underwhelmed

This is going to be one long roller-coaster of a post, so you might want to consider turning back. If you decide to climb aboard, bring your barf-bag.

I’ve never really, truly been able to commit. When the going gets tough I make changes. When I get bored I make changes. When I think the grass is greener on the other side I make changes. As a teen, if I decided I hated my high school I moved in with another parent (as in my mom or dad — they divorced when I was young) so I could have a fresh start. If I had a long stretch of difficulty at my job I found a new one. If my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch I left. Even when I was married I decided early on it wasn’t going to work plus I didn’t like where we were living so I left him and moved away to start a new life. I have lived in five states since 1998 and changed jobs every two to three years. Same goes for boyfriends.

When I moved in with The Ex, back to my hometown, I decided I would make every effort to finally put down some roots. I wanted to find a job in which I would stay for many years, if not for the rest of my career. I wanted to make life-long friends. I wanted to be a part of a community. I wanted to go to the same grocery store and be known by name. I wanted to recognize people on my commute. I wanted to make friends with my neighbors. I wanted a plan. I was 32 and ready to have the life like my parents, living in the same house for decades, having the same close friends forever, being a real part of lots of other peoples’ histories. You know, real stability. I feel like I’ve been weaving in and out of people’s lives all these years without making many real connections. I’m always gone too soon.

After living with The Ex just a few months I felt like it wasn’t working and I was not happy. I couldn’t trust my own instincts though, because how many times had I felt this way and jumped ship? Relationships are hard. He also has kids, so that was a big change. I was living in a new community that I did not like, which was difficult. I stayed and what happened was that I lost myself. I did not make many friends because if I left the house I was accused of cheating on him and didn’t want to deal with it. I did not do anything I enjoyed since all of my time and finances were wrapped up in our house and his kids. The economy tanked and I did not stick with one job but moved around when I could find something with better pay.

Four years later I was finally ready to admit that it wasn’t just me and my lack of ability to commit, it really was the relationship with The Ex that was not working out. So, I moved out and to a community I like, I found myself, I started doing things I enjoyed, I started to make new friends and foster my old relationships, my job situation was better . . . things were really good.

A year after I left The Ex, I’ve become restless again. Things were going great and then I lost my mojo. I stopped losing weight and became bored with my exercise routine. May/June were tough for me, as you all know. Runner and I ended up not working out and while I was not heartbroken, I will admit that the situation whetted my appetite for a relationship. I fell for Cutie, was rejected, and then he dumped me via text. My Original FWB decided he did like me, but he liked someone else better and said he’d come back for me if things didn’t work out with her (ouch!) and now it looks like that’s not going to happen and while I’m OK with it, it still burns a little. My good friend decided he was in love with me and that friendship was torn apart. The online dating situation really beat me up and shook my confidence. My best friend took a new job and now works weekends. My job stability is shaky at best and office morale is very low. I wish I lived in the city but I don’t want to deal with a commute.

When I decided one day that I wanted to move up north and then started handing out my resume, I just wanted out of here, to start something new somewhere else. I was frustrated with the lack of work in the area and have been feeling stress with my current situation. I didn’t feel like I had anything or anyone here. I didn’t feel wanted or needed. I was bored with my home city and the little it has to offer, especially when you don’t have anyone to do those things with. No boyfriend, most of my friends are parents with husbands or have been here forever so they have big groups of friends of their own, my best friend and I can no longer spend time together, my FWBs had moved on, and I felt that I was better appreciated in a larger city as far as dating and men go, as that has always been the case before. I miss living in a city filled with intellects and transplants who are open to new frienships.

I didn’t expect things to happen so fast. I didn’t expect the call-backs and the quick turnaround time for interviews or all of the interest in little old me. It was quite the whirlwind experience. And then, while I’m there I heard from both my Original FWB and Cutie. When I returned from my interviews up north my local friends started contacting me about upcoming plans and would I play on a team or go to a race or hang out soon? I also had a work party where I realized how much I really like a lot of my coworkers. At the party there were a lot of people who worked at my company before the recession and I envied their long-term friendships and realized that my relationships with co-workers were starting to become that, too. And then my first weekend back was filled with friends, family, and Cutie. My week is also full and my summer is filling up as well.

Despite everything, which really does seem to be looking up for me, I’ve been feeling some depression over the past few months. I’m not sure why. My life is not bad, I’m healthy, I’m obviously respected professionally, and I’m doing what I set out to do five years ago and putting down some roots. Has this simply been a rough spot? Is this really not the place for me? Am I falling victim to my own past bad habits? Or am I creating these issues myself?

I have not been able to concentrate much at work and my habits are turning around again. I’m staying up late and sleeping in. I’m tired. I’m not exercising. I’m either not eating well or I’m not eating at all. When I’m depressed I eat but when I’m stressed I don’t. I’ve been feeling a little of both as of late. I miss my BFF and our weekends together. I still haven’t found a way to replace that. Because I’ve stopped exercising, some of my goals will not be met and that is depressing as well.

I guess I’m anxious because I find out about the position up north at the end of the week. I know I should not put the cart before the horse, but I can’t not think about it. If it doesn’t work out, I have another idea up my sleeve and that would mean staying local. If I do decide to stay local, I think I will move downtown and get into the city with the other young, single, urban people so I don’t feel so closed off from it all anymore. That might mean commuting for now, but it might also be the change I need.

My itch got wiped out

Saturday night I had a date and scratched an itch by involving myself in a one-night stand. The date hasn’t contacted me (no big surprise there) and I have no interest in seeing my one-nighter guy again. I realize that I was spoiled by Cutie. I know I’m not the only person in a FWB relationship who has great sex with her partner as well as loving moments and a caring relationship. Our comfort with one another, acceptance of each other’s kinks, and the way in which we’re insanely turned on by each other made our relationship pretty special. He claimed that he has never performed with anyone else like he does with me and it’s safe to say that I feel 100% at ease with him and have no hang-ups whatsoever when I am with him. We have laughs and we talk, we joke, we can say “that hurts” or “do that harder”, and we have amazing sex that lasts for hours and nets up to 10 orgasms between us, with the majority often his, which is really fun for me. When he leaves he is exhausted and still horny and I am wired and still wanting more even though my sensitive body parts are screaming. The next day I’m sore in all the regular places as well as my neck, abs, ribs, and thighs! He’s usually pretty tired the following day, not to mention completely satiated.

Relationship-wise, he’s just not into me. He needs the spark, chemistry, the shit that’s not important but that people feel signals something “more”. The high of a new relationship. Probably a few other things as well. That’s what he had with the other woman when he broke-up with me and that’s why it ended so fast. I look good on paper, we are friends (even when we’re not fucking), and we get each other. As he likes to say, we’re cut from the same sexual cloth. But, he just doesn’t feel that way about me. He is not the best on paper and being in a relationship with him would probably not work or at the very least would not be easy. I know I talk about that all the time without being telling, but trust me, there are things about him that make him a bad relationship choice, and I know that deep down. Through our friend phase I’ve also realized how much I just like him as a person, even if sex is not involved. He is a sensitive soul who is always trying to do the right thing and he struggles every day.

I’m sure my readers will not be surprised when I tell you that I saw Cutie yesterday. It was an impromptu meeting. Last time we talked he was getting right with himself and doing better and better every day. He was not so much upset by the break-up as he was with himself for jumping into a relationship he knows he never should have been in in the first place and was embarrassed by his bad decision-making. He was spending more time beating himself up than he was mourning the loss of this woman he’d been with for just over two months. I think it was also difficult because he ended up ending things with her not because he didn’t have feelings for her but because he knew they could not make a go of it and that she was no good for him.

On the way back from a family outing in the woods, he contacted me as soon as he regained cell service and it quickly steered toward him dropping by on his way home. I asked him if he was sure he was ready and he said he was after speaking to a mentor on Friday and had the weekend away thinking. Though my itch was scratched on Saturday night, as you know scratching at an itch just makes it worse. I’m happy to say that the itch did not turn into an infection. I would tell you all of the ways in which we fucked for many hours, but really, it was no different than usual just with more laughs and smiles as we were very happy to see each other and be back in each other’s arms and there was no sadness or feelings of longing by me. He left after three hours and we proceeded to text for the rest of the night about how amazing it was and some future plans or things to try the next time.

As of right now, I feel great and am happy to have seen him. Will this last? I’m not sure. I guess it depends on whether or not I start thinking with my heart again, which could happen. My head knows where this is, what it is, and what it will always be, but my heart sometimes wants more despite it not being possible as well as being a bad idea anyway. Did I mention the sex?

Well, I got what I wanted

Image

I decided to have a one-nighter last night. Now, I know this isn’t usually my style, but every since Cutie got in touch, all I’ve thought about was sex and it was killing me. OK, a bit on the mellow-dramatic side . . . I was out to get laid and that was my plan so one of the guys who contacted me at AFF was going to get lucky. The first one I thought was hot, could put together a coherent sentence, and didn’t creep me out was tagged “it” and my mind was made up. I took a shower and washed away the cobwebs then I was off. Well, first I had a date with someone else . . .

I was meeting the guy who texted me from OK Cupid after I turned off my profile. I didn’t really want to but he obviously thought enough of me to get in touch even though I was gone, or at least he thought enough of the online me. And, I’ve given up on internet dating anyway. But, he was a really nice guy, smart, and kinda cute so I thought I’d do it. What’s one more frustrating and wasted evening, right?

We met at a bar and tried a flight of rum together, which was kinda fun. He was a little shy and sweet and I think I dominated the conversation. There were some awkward silences, but not too bad. I don’t think he liked me, but he walked me to my car anyway and threw out the obligatory, “This was fun, we should do it again sometime” and I said I’d like that and that he should call me. Whatever. I don’t know why men do that. Just say “Thanks, I had a nice time and it was great to meet you.” If you’re not going to call again, why even throw that out there? Nice guy, cute, smart, sweet, who I will probably never hear from again. Another exchange between two people that meant absolutely nothing. After our hug good-bye I was on the phone with my conquest and on my way to meet him at a Starbucks.

The conquest was sexy and totally not my type. I fucked him anyway and while it wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be, it scratched an itch. I definitely know I’m not cut out for the meet and fuck way of doing things and I do need a connection which I didn’t have with this guy. It made me miss Cutie or at least what we had. This was not a loving, caring situation and he was not really that interested in my pleasure and frankly I didn’t care about his either. After I got off I only wanted him to hurry up and finish. I’m not interested in seeing him again. Obviously.

TGIF

Yesterday I drove nearly four hours to a job interview, which meant I was up at 5AM. I was nervous as hell as I want this job really, really bad, and it was my final interview for the position. I was placed in front of eight people in real-time and one over video-conference for two-and-a-half hours of interogation questions. I can’t say that I nailed each question 100% but I nailed at least 90% of them. The group was actually quite nice and collectively had a great sense of humor. The first 15 minutes were tough but after that it was smooth sailing with a couple minor glitches here and there.

As soon as that was through, I got back in my car to drive another nearly four hours back home to attend a giant retirement party. All of the socializing and yelling over the music was exhausting on top of the drive and the interview. Somehow I woke up this morning and made it to work earlier than usual. I’m looking forward to getting out of here (I’m not getting any work done, obviously), slipping into my pjs, and laying on the sofa while eating some carbs in front of a couple good DVDs.

I hope to hear about the position late next week. Keep your fingers crossed for me! If this one does not pan out, I am still waiting for a potential call-back for another one and I just heard about a position opening up locally. The other local position is not something I want. Long story, but just glad I figured it out before taking a position there.

My Original FWB is still driving around aimlessly and camping at random places trying to get through his break-up or whatever. Cutie and I have been in touch briefly but nothing about getting together. So, that’s good because I’m not quite ready to make that decision anyway. However, when Cutie popped back into my life it got me thinking about sex. I haven’t had sex in over two months! Naturally, I re-opened my AFF profile. Why be lonely and sex-free until I meet someone special? Since I’m completely giving up online dating when my Match.com subscription expires in a month or so, this “meeting someone special” deal could take awhile! Might as well take advantage of the opportunity while I still can — that’s how I see it.

Speaking of online dating, I think I have a meeting tomorrow. But, whatevs . . . And, someone decent contacted me on Match.com despite my nasty profile. I’m not sure what that means.