No drama, please

One of the first things I do on the morning of a significant holiday is look back to where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt on the previous year. Last Christmas I had just started seeing Cutie, I was getting out of a funk, and I spent the day drunk at my parents’ house and made an ass of myself. That was my last drink for 11+ months, a streak broken by a trip to Las Vegas with some girlfriends earlier this month.

This Christmas my first Merry Christmas text was from Cutie. I haven’t seen him for months since he moved away but we check in from time to time. I miss him. Also, I did not drink or make an ass of myself. It was quiet and low key. The biggest difference was in the amount of Merry Christmas texts sent and received. And that certainly made the holiday warmer. Also, my older sister recently got married and for the first time since she started seeing this guy (who she met online, by the way), I can see how good they are together. I’m happy for her.

Since the guy who was emotionally unavailable and I split up, I do hear from him often. I do not regret calling things off. I can’t deal with someone else’s relationship drama and doubts. I need someone who is a good place and is healthy. He wanted to keep hanging out and getting to know each other so that when he was ready we could just be together. No thanks!

I met another guy, some brain surgeon (seriously) who might be book smart but certainly cannot manage his interpersonal relationships. I was horrified by his ex-wife and kid situation and couldn’t hide it. There was no way that was going to work.

Then, I decided that what I needed was someone to go out with (and have sex with) but not necessarily to have a relationship with. Since nearly everyone I meet is either not someone I would go out with or if they are of interest to me they are broken, I thought it would be nice to have someone for companionship and sex while I’m looking. Plus, my training schedule is going to be a little intense as I ramp up for a full marathon and my goal – to get hot in 2013.

When an internet guy looking for nothing serious got in touch with me I decided to meet in person. I explained to him that ultimately I want a relationship but it is taking so long that I would like someone to date casually while I’m trying to date seriously. He said it made sense and that he was looking at something casual due to his work schedule. Our meeting was a success and we scheduled a date which also went well. He is pretty smitten and of course that freaks me out a little since we have met only twice. I heard from him after our date that he doesn’t know how I feel about him (sigh) and that he can see this being more than he intended. The conversation was a little awkward. He is overthinking it. I heard from him a little the next day and not at all today. I’m not sure if he is busy and/or not much of a texter or if he is now “scared”. If it is the latter, I’m seriously not interested.  C’mon, we are adults here!

I have seen my Original FWB a few times lately and things are great. He sleeps over in my bed but we don’t have sex or even make out, just cuddle. Weird, I know. But it works. Otherwise, I have been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends and it has been wonderful. I feel lovable and loved.

Merry Christmas!

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Date

Even though I have been socializing like mad I still miss the company of a man. Having my Original FWB over last weekend, the warmth and affection was nice. I miss Cutie quite a bit.

I decided to go on a date with someone who seemed nice but not really my type. We met last night at a dive bar. I found myself liking him more than I thought I would and he seemed somewhat smitten which felt really nice especially since I have put on a little weight and feel kinda icky lately.

We are going out again for dinner tonight and I shamelessly asked him to help me put up some curtains. Hey, I’m a new homeowner and I need all the help I can get! He’s a little alternative and bald. He has earrings. He is no Original FWB or Cutie in terms of looks but I can’t help but like the guy. He is smart and nice.

I have a date on Wednesday, too. I don’t have a great feeling about him but I didn’t think I would like Cutie either for the same reasons and look how that turned out!

On Thursday I have a big work networking thing in the super suite at a basketball game. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I’m hoping to strike up a little small talk and perhaps a date with someone cute.

It figures

My BFF is going through some similar experiences as I am when it comes to men. She has some decent guys in her life who want nothing more from her than sex and companionship, usually on their terms. They are good-looking, successful men. Like the men in my life as of late, they are too busy and think they can do better. When they find someone “better” it lasts a short period because they were looking for the wrong things. Then they call us to make it all better again.

It’s much easier to see her situation than my own because, well, it’s not mine. When she tells a FWB she has feelings for him and hears that he likes her but doesn’t want to date, what she hears is that he wants to date her in the future. She doesn’t hear the truth: you’re not important enough for me to make time for and I want to keep my options open and find someone better. So, she allows things to keep going for fear of losing him before he’s ready to date her. And, it never happens that way.

I have done the same thing with Cutie. I listened to him tell me how he doesn’t want to date, he’s too busy to date, he doesn’t want monagamy, etc. and then he dropped me like a hot potato when he found someone he liked only to come crying back to me when it ended six weeks later. With my Original FWB, I did the right thing and said that I liked him and a FWB relationship would not work for me. We are not dating and we haven’t discussed it at all, but he no longer uses me and things are different between us. He respects me, treats me well, and contacts me much more often than when we were FWBs. I think Cutie is doing the slow fade, but if seeing each other comes up, I’m done with it. I deserve better and I want better.

I want someone who I don’t have to ask to have a relationship with me. Someone I don’t have to remind I exist. Someone who doesn’t contact me only when he wants something from me. Someone who isn’t too busy for me. Someone who thinks I’m special and isn’t looking for someone better. I don’t want to question it. I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to wait around for it. I don’t want to have to ask. I certainly don’t want to beg, wish, and make myself feel bad for trying. I don’t want to question why someone doesn’t like me when I treat them the way anyone would want to be treated.

So, as I’m thinking this and my feelings are solidifying, I went back onto OKCupid. I look at the account when I get a message. That’s it. I don’t get many messages these days. Because I don’t think much about it and I kinda like being single, I stopped poring over profiles and inspecting the men who message me. I don’t have a lot of time for it, either. I look at the photo, read the important stuff, then scan the write-up. If he’s not ugly or fat, if he doesn’t have facial hair or a bunch of kids, if he doesn’t smoke, if he’s single, if he’s just normal and doesn’t seem stupid, I usually respond. Before we meet I don’t even look at the profile again. We are strangers meeting for the first time and I don’t pretend it’s anything different.

The Jesus Freak guy from the other night was obviously a no-go. But last night I went out with a guy who seemed . . . fine. I was in his area for a family thing so figured, why not? We met and I was pleasantly surprised. He was also very sweet. He was normal. He was thoughtful. He was complimentary. He was smart. He was honest. He wasn’t as sexy or handsome or charming as Cutie. He wasn’t as smart or young or successful as my Original FWB. But there was no doubt that he likes me. He showed it, he said it. and he followed-up with me this morning to make sure I knew it.

So, why am I not satisfied? Why am I wondering why it couldn’t be Cutie? Why am I suddenly thinking that I’m too busy with the new job and the new house to deal with this? Why am I finding reasons not to like him? Why do I want someone who is not only  unavailable but who doesn’t even have feelings for me or treat me the same way that I treat him? Why do I want someone who doesn’t appreciate me? Or someone who uses me? Who in their right mind would choose to be with someone like that?

No reason to struggle at the moment, I suppose. But I do question my sanity and emotional health over this type of thing. I know I’m not the only one who is attracted to unavailable men or the only one who always believes that the grass is green on the other side. I know I want something healthy. But am I just as picky as the men I talk about on my blog? Am I just as reluctant to be in a relationship and fearful of something that might actually work? And if so . . . why?

I can’t stop smiling

I had a first meeting tonight with a guy from Match.com. And, wow, I’m already kinda smitten with him. There wasn’t this sexual chemistry/connection that people look for — not that kind of “wow” date. It was the kind of date where you find yourself enjoying it and not thinking about the things you don’t really like about him but wondering if you could get over it should he prove to be a good match. No, he doesn’t have perfect teeth and he has a flat butt. He has two kids and an ex-wife and he lives too far away. But, he’s super cute, sweet, smart, down-to-earth, and just nice to be around. He has that calming happiness that I have been seeking. We have similar outlooks and values and he makes me smile. He’s very cute in an almost boyish way even in his actions.

We met at a restaurant. He beat me there. He had water for us and then we ordered our drinks. We ended up having a light meal and talking for over two hours. Yes, he paid. He walked me to my car and opened and closed the door for me. We hugged good-night and he said he’d like to do it again. Of course, that means absolutely nothing at the end of a date. But, I am hopeful.

This is the first date I can remember when I have been truly excited about someone. Please cross your fingers for me!

Three date night

For some reason (probably PMS) I have been missing Cutie a lot. Why I keep wasting my time and energy on someone who A. doesn’t want me, and B. wouldn’t have been the best move relationship-wise if he did, I do not know. But as Cutie used to always tell me, feelings are what make us human. So, I guess that’s my issue — I’m human.

Yesterday I moped around all day feeling sorry for myself. I decided that going for a run would help. I ran a short distance and felt a tad bit better. As soon as I stepped out of the shower I felt pretty blah again. I ended up driving to the store and getting a pint of Ben & Jerrys and a bottle of Magic Shell. I watched a rom com and gorged. It’s been so long since I’ve done that. It was disgusting.

When I get this way I don’t want to see anyone or do anything, but this behavior just makes things worse. Intellectually I know this and fight with myself to get motivated to make it better instead of wallowing in it. Instead of cancelling on the guy I was supposed to have coffee with this morning, I went through with it. I also accepted two additional invitations to meet men from Match.com as well as a movie invite from my girlfriend.

The first guy was someone who contacted me awhile back. He seemed nice enough and we had some things in common. When I showed up at the coffee shop on time, he was already there and drinking a coffee. I thought it was rude that he didn’t wait for me. We talked and I found him to be awkward and his photos were way better than he looked in real life. His eyeballs looked like they were about to pop out of his head and I found it really distracting. His personality was not stellar. When he told me he was going on a mission this summer, I knew for certain he was not the guy for me. I can just imagine the judgement in his bug-eyes while listening to my stories of debauchery. Afterall, I want someone I can be myself around, someone who will think it’s his great fortune that I am well-practiced in giving blowjobs and silently thanks all of the men before him who taught me so well (half joking, half not).

After coffee I high-tailed it an hour east to go on a hike with my dog. I decided I really needed to get out and thought I should take my best bud somewhere fun. Another guy I’d been talking to wanted to get together and I jokingly told him to meet me at the trail head and he agreed! Of course, I told my best friend where I was, all of the stuff I knew about him, and then texted his vehicle information and license plate to her. I’m not paranoid, but it doesn’t hurt to be careful when you agree to hang out in the woods with a strange man. We spent about three hours on the hike and I really think he’s cute, nice, and funny. When we were parting he said he was largely out of town for the next two weeks. I do hope he asks me out again, but I won’t hold my breath.

When I got back onto the freeway I called date number three (this guy!) who wanted to take me to dinner. We were going to Asian food so it would be quick, easy, and inexpensive. A good choice for a first meeting. We firmed up our plans and I raced home, showered, touched up my make-up and hair (luckily it was an easy hike), brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and drove to our meeting spot.

Why did I decide to meet him after all? Well, before I met Cutie in person, for various reasons I was not convinced that I really liked him. I thought he was cute and he was an OK guy, plus he was comfortable to be around, but it was certainly not a love at first sight situation. Knowing that you just never know, I decided to take a chance. I’m glad I did. While he did mention his ex and his relationship with her, this time I spoke up about it. If we go out again, I will proceed with caution. But, I have the feeling that the situation is more about the difficulty of not succeeding than anything else. He’s had a lot of successes and I can tell he gets what he wants, or at least tries, so this was a failure and that bothers him. The meal was nice and he was kinda fun. He’s cute, too. He has already texted to feel me out about seeing him again and I probably will.

After our meal, I drove to the theater to meet my friend, watched the movie, then drove home. Long, tiring day, but definitely helped me get my mind off of Cutie a little. I go into each new meeting hoping I will find in him what I found in Cutie. I know that’s no way to do this and I am setting myself up for failure by doing so. Hopefully things will change or get better soon. I’m sure they will. It will just take some time.

Pity party is (almost) over

Last night right after work I ran to my favorite store to buy a dress and shoes I’ve been waiting to go on sale for months. It was my lucky day — they had my size in both. While there, I also bought a cute pair of pants on sale. I had coupons and I saved tons of money!

The sun was shining and it was warm but not too warm, so I went for a run. After my run I played outside with my dog whose happiness is contagious. You will all be glad to hear that I washed my hair. I ate a good dinner while watching one of my favorite shows on Netflix, vacuumed, painted my nails, read my book, and had a nice night of rest. Today, I did my hair and dressed in my new pants, a pair of shoes I hadn’t worn yet, a new jacket, and a new blouse.

I’m feeling better, but I still can’t help but think about things and how I wished they were. I read about all of the “desperate” and “pathetic” women who have FWB relationships with men when they wish they had more, the things they do, and the way it ends. Granted, my relationship with Cutie started off very unattached and it wasn’t a backdoor way into his heart. I was in a different place at the time. But, as my feelings for him, and my readiness for a relationship progressed, I found myself doing some things that embarrass me now.

I tried to make myself what I thought he wanted in a girlfriend so that one day he’d wake up and realize that we should give this thing a shot. The irony is that the woman he is with is not what he said he wanted. So there I was, trying to be his everything when someone else was just herself and drew him in anyway. It goes to show, and I know I’ve said it a million times, it’s the it, nothing more, nothing less. I could be his everything if only he’d let me, but the bottom line is that if someone wants you they want you, if they don’t, they don’t. And, it’s important to be yourself and not apologize for it. If they like you enough they will make concessions and if they don’t, well, it never mattered anyway.

I’m beginning to feel like Cutie never really was my friend. I feel like perhaps everything we had was all because he wanted to keep his status as my sex buddy. I know I took the place of a girlfriend, without the work or the commitment, for awhile. Now that he has a girlfriend, I’ve been replaced as not only a lover, but a friend. I don’t hear from him at all anymore. I’m hopeful that perhaps that friendship will come back once we’ve had some space and his relationship settles into something more of a routine. I won’t hold my breath.

In that vein, I’m seeing my Original FWB this evening after work to catch up. I truly hope this isn’t about trying to get in my pants. If it is, I’ll know that he was never my friend. I will be sad about it, but it will be another lesson learned. I feel like men think about sex with their women friends, even if they would never act on it. Once they have had sex, I think the conquest is over and the men are not as interested, even in a friendship. Perhaps I’m wrong, but ironically, my only true guy friends are men I haven’t slept with even if I have dated them. And the men I have slept with can’t be my friends — they only sniff me out when they are single and horny or completely ignore me.

Otherwise, I’m getting back on the horse. I have a date on Friday.

Life is a teacher

If you haven’t noticed already, I’m a deep thinker. I’m always considering, pondering, wondering . . . just thinking about stuff. I try to squeeze meaning out of everything, every experience, both good and bad, and I often think about how those experience have shaped me into the person I am today. Though it doesn’t always take, I thrive to become a better and wiser person from these experiences.

Someone recently said to me that relationships are for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I can look back at most of my past close relationships — friend, coworkers, managers, boyfriends, etc. — and tell you what I’ve learned from each. I have many lifetime friends, too, and the lessons I’ve learned from those relationships probably won’t be as clear since they touch my life on almost a daily basis.

As I mentioned awhile back it’s been a year since I left The Ex and I think about it a lot as I sign a new lease, the weather becomes familiar, and I break out my Spring clothes (well, accessories anyway since most of those clothes no longer fit me). Mostly I think about how “time flies!” but I also think about what that experience taught me and how I’m a different — better, happier — person than I was back then.

Cutie has made a huge impression on me and I truly believe that he brings out the best in me like no one ever has before. I’m not someone who is easy to get close to and I’m not someone who is super social. I’m a bit of a loner, an introvert, but I’m not shy. I’m not open with my feelings. I don’t need a ton of people in my life and I’m not the type to reach out a lot. In fact, it’s rare that I even like people. I can be indifferent or aloof toward others. Not that I mean to be, but I certainly am not considered warm or inviting. With Cutie, I am so much happier, warmer, sweeter, and expressive. I think it’s because he is so much that way that I can’t help but be that way myself. He doesn’t judge me and he calls me out on my crap in the nicest way that I don’t even know he’s doing it until I think about it later. He’s almost woman-like in his nurturing behavior and like a girlfriend, he listens without interjecting his opinion or trying to fix it. Cutie not only makes me see what I’d like to find in someone else, but he makes me want to be that way, too. Being with him makes me feel like being wrapped in a warm, soft, comfortable blanket.

Runner is a lot like me. He is not very warm or inviting. His texts and emails are pretty much all business, and then every once in a while he sends me something sweet. And, sometimes he seems, well, uninterested. He’s very busy and somehow manages to make time for dating. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with him and I’m attracted to him, I’m just not exactly sure where I stand with him. When we went out last he said, “in case it’s not obvious I really like you”. My first thought was, “really?”. When we had our make-out session, he was very warm, passionate, sweet, and affectionate. Like me, I can be someone standoffish but during sex I feel almost over the top affectionate. Overall he doesn’t act like someone who really likes me, but he calls me for dates, he says he does like me, he buys me gifts. Then again, I don’t always act like someone who really likes someone else, either. When men have asked me if I actually liked them and said they didn’t feel it my answer has usually been, “If I didn’t like you I wouldn’t be here.” And that’s when I realized that he was kinda me, in relationships.

I thought about how it made me feel and the answer was basically that if someone like Cutie came along it would be easy for me to say good-bye to Runner. I’m generally not that attracted to men who aren’t into me. I don’t chase. I don’t like how it makes me feel. I don’t want to waste my time. But what about Cutie? Cutie likes me, he just doesn’t want a relationship with me, and I’m not pursuing him. I don’t want to change, but I would like those people in my life to feel good when they are with me. I’m not desperate to keep Runner or anything, but I’m interested in trying to be more inviting overall.

I’m not going to be texting and emailing Runner or asking him when we’re seeing one another again. That’s not my thing. However, I’m going to try to make him feel wanted and feel good around me. I know that some of these things are natural characteristics of people and not natural characteristics of others. It’s not a natural characteristic of me. I’ve got to work at it. Like exercise. Even though it takes commitment and effort, and sometimes it’s kinda hard, the result feels really good.