Doing right by me

I find myself often caring more than I should for the men in my life. Caring is fine but can you care for the wrong reasons? I don’t know exactly why I care but I don’t think some of the people I care about care back. They care when they are bored, horny, tired, stressed, or need an ego boost. I, on the other hand, check in when they are sick or down, tell them happy birthday, remind them I care, and am there for them when they need me. I do it because that is what I want and because I believe that is what friends do.

I’m realizing that I am focusing on the wrong friends. I’m giving where I’m not getting. I’m accepting crumbs. I don’t expect the world just something equal to what I give.

I usedbto see someone that I have mentioned here before but I am not going to link to because I am lazy. I have not seen him in years but we keep in touch. He lives 3,000 miles away. He emails me when he is bored and talks about seeing each other but it does not happen. Well he took a job on my side of the country and plans to be here monthly. He assumed we would spend that time together. I told him via email that I would not see him because I can no longer give and not get. He has not gotten my email yet.

Then I decided to tell my Original FWB the same thing. With him it is different because I think it kills my ego that he will sleep with me but not date me yet he dates women who are highly dysfunctional. When he had surgery I checked on him, I ask him about his new job, I help him when he needs it, and yet he can’t be bothered to do the same for me.

If Cutie were still in town I would do the same with him. I’m so supportive of him and so caring yet he is never there for me unless he wants something.

I’m just tired of it. And I don’t undersrand it. I thought I was a good catch and I’m not sure exactly how that is not true and I really can’t understand how someone can not appreciate someone’s support and thoughtfulness.

I was dumped again for having my shit together. I don’t quite understand that one either. I thought having your shit together was a good thing?

This is not all bad…I have some amazing girlfriends, a good job, my sweet dogs, a pretty cool house, my health, and lots of other stuff. I just need to be pickier as to who I allow into my life. Sad, really.

It figures

My BFF is going through some similar experiences as I am when it comes to men. She has some decent guys in her life who want nothing more from her than sex and companionship, usually on their terms. They are good-looking, successful men. Like the men in my life as of late, they are too busy and think they can do better. When they find someone “better” it lasts a short period because they were looking for the wrong things. Then they call us to make it all better again.

It’s much easier to see her situation than my own because, well, it’s not mine. When she tells a FWB she has feelings for him and hears that he likes her but doesn’t want to date, what she hears is that he wants to date her in the future. She doesn’t hear the truth: you’re not important enough for me to make time for and I want to keep my options open and find someone better. So, she allows things to keep going for fear of losing him before he’s ready to date her. And, it never happens that way.

I have done the same thing with Cutie. I listened to him tell me how he doesn’t want to date, he’s too busy to date, he doesn’t want monagamy, etc. and then he dropped me like a hot potato when he found someone he liked only to come crying back to me when it ended six weeks later. With my Original FWB, I did the right thing and said that I liked him and a FWB relationship would not work for me. We are not dating and we haven’t discussed it at all, but he no longer uses me and things are different between us. He respects me, treats me well, and contacts me much more often than when we were FWBs. I think Cutie is doing the slow fade, but if seeing each other comes up, I’m done with it. I deserve better and I want better.

I want someone who I don’t have to ask to have a relationship with me. Someone I don’t have to remind I exist. Someone who doesn’t contact me only when he wants something from me. Someone who isn’t too busy for me. Someone who thinks I’m special and isn’t looking for someone better. I don’t want to question it. I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to wait around for it. I don’t want to have to ask. I certainly don’t want to beg, wish, and make myself feel bad for trying. I don’t want to question why someone doesn’t like me when I treat them the way anyone would want to be treated.

So, as I’m thinking this and my feelings are solidifying, I went back onto OKCupid. I look at the account when I get a message. That’s it. I don’t get many messages these days. Because I don’t think much about it and I kinda like being single, I stopped poring over profiles and inspecting the men who message me. I don’t have a lot of time for it, either. I look at the photo, read the important stuff, then scan the write-up. If he’s not ugly or fat, if he doesn’t have facial hair or a bunch of kids, if he doesn’t smoke, if he’s single, if he’s just normal and doesn’t seem stupid, I usually respond. Before we meet I don’t even look at the profile again. We are strangers meeting for the first time and I don’t pretend it’s anything different.

The Jesus Freak guy from the other night was obviously a no-go. But last night I went out with a guy who seemed . . . fine. I was in his area for a family thing so figured, why not? We met and I was pleasantly surprised. He was also very sweet. He was normal. He was thoughtful. He was complimentary. He was smart. He was honest. He wasn’t as sexy or handsome or charming as Cutie. He wasn’t as smart or young or successful as my Original FWB. But there was no doubt that he likes me. He showed it, he said it. and he followed-up with me this morning to make sure I knew it.

So, why am I not satisfied? Why am I wondering why it couldn’t be Cutie? Why am I suddenly thinking that I’m too busy with the new job and the new house to deal with this? Why am I finding reasons not to like him? Why do I want someone who is not only  unavailable but who doesn’t even have feelings for me or treat me the same way that I treat him? Why do I want someone who doesn’t appreciate me? Or someone who uses me? Who in their right mind would choose to be with someone like that?

No reason to struggle at the moment, I suppose. But I do question my sanity and emotional health over this type of thing. I know I’m not the only one who is attracted to unavailable men or the only one who always believes that the grass is green on the other side. I know I want something healthy. But am I just as picky as the men I talk about on my blog? Am I just as reluctant to be in a relationship and fearful of something that might actually work? And if so . . . why?

Much better

I deleted my OK Cupid profile. I would have deleted my Match.com profile too, but it’s paid through the end of July and I can’t not use it, that would be a waste. However, I will change my profile to be as honest as I can be without coming across as a total bitch and that will most likely guarantee zero responses or maybe just responses from total weirdos which can be fun. I told one guy that I was talking with that I was done and probably moving anyway and he was pretty cool. In fact his response got me to thinking and I realized that I have never dated someone who I met at a bar, grocery store, or in passing. Always they have been men that I’d at least kinda known through school or through work. The only internet dating I have done has been sexual. In that case they come back for more if they are comfortable, they find you at least somewhat attractive, and you are willing to put out. However, over time, they have all ended up relationships, with the guy having feelings for me, or a frienship. So, unless I meet someone online who isn’t looking for instant chemistry or having his socks knocked off in an hour or less, online dating definitely won’t work for me.

But, instead of worrying about dating, I’m focusing on my upcoming job interviews. I have a lot on my plate at my current job. I also have another half-marathon coming up and need to keep my rear in gear for that because there is nothing — NOTHING! — worse than running 13.1 miles when you’re not in shape for it. I’m also stressing about where I might live if I move. That’s totally putting the cart before the horse, but where I live is very important to me. I will not commute more than 15 minutes and I despise the deep ‘burbs commuting lifestyle. I will live in a $1,200 per month 300 square foot apartment near the office in a great area before I live in a cheaper, bigger place far from the office in the suburbs.

Also, I’ve realized that while I’m thinner than I was, I’m still not thin. I have some more weight to lose and that is another focus. Even though my clothing size is small, I’m short and have a large frame for my height so extra weight does not sit well on me. I’m in shape and in fact, when I took a first date on a hike he was huffing and puffing as I led the way and chatted without any heavy breathing. His body type was “athletic and toned” while mine was “average” but I am in better shape than he is. Go figure. I hate that a guy would choose a thin woman even if she was lazy as hell and couldn’t run a quarter of a mile (skinny-fat) over a woman who is more average in size and can run a half-marathon. This world we live in is kinda fucked-up.

See?

I took my friend’s advice and contacted two of the men from Match.com who I had gone out with and hadn’t heard from again. I figured that if I hadn’t heard from them in several days to a week, I would have nothing to lose if I got in touch. And, I would know it wasn’t about them thinking that I wasn’t interested. At least there would be some closure and no more wondering. 

I contacted my date from Tuesday night and so far, I have heard absolutely nothing in reply. It’s so weird to spend time with someone, have them suggest that you do it again, and then poof! they are gone forever. I hate that about internet dating.

The guy from the hike is out of town so I figure he’ll either contact me when he gets back . . . or not. I wasn’t going to try to reach him knowing he couldn’t be reached.

I decided it didn’t really matter what this guy thought as I would’ve had to proceed with caution anyway so it might be best that he’s disappeared. He did send me a note the night of our date but that was the end of that. .

And finally, I sent a text to the guy from coffee a couple weeks ago. He was starting a new position so I wished him luck. He has contacted me since our date, but not to ask me out and not to flirt and it had been a couple weeks since I last heard from him. I wasn’t sure if he was fishing or what. I thought this one would yield a date, but all that happened was that he asked me to come over and have sex with him. OK, not those exact words, but close enough.

When it came up you could probably see the steam come out of my ears I was so pissed/annoyed/frustrated/disappointed. I thought of some pretty nasty things to text back, but I controlled myself and decided to be cool. Clearly he was not interested in me and thought he had nothing to lose by asking me to come over and fuck him in a roundabout way. Can’t blame a guy for trying, right? Well, not really, as I am clearly on a dating site and my profile is all about looking for a relationship and not a FWB situation — as is his. Anyway, I flirted back in my witty, non-sexual way and this went on for a few minutes before I told him, again in a witty way, that it wasn’t happening. He texted some smiles and I ignored him. I had nothing more to say.

The only good thing that came from this is that I know my date from Tuesday is not interested (not surprised, but now I don’t have to question it) and the coffee guy is also not interested but is kind-of a douche and wouldn’t mind fucking me. Good to know.

So, let’s talk about men paying on dates . . .

This topic has generated a lot of debate in the reply section of this post, so I thought I’d throw it out there in a blog. I’m sure it’s been beaten like a dead horse all over the internet. What’s another dead beaten horse, right?

My thoughts?

As one commenter said, it’s 2012 not 1952. I probably make just as much as if not more than many of the men I meet. I can afford my own coffee, drink, or meal. I can also take on and off my own coat and open doors all by myself. In addition, I can change a tire (so what if I call AAA!), hammer a picture hanger into the wall, and negotiate a car sale.

Again, it’s 2012 and not 1952, but I’m still not going to straddle my hot date and grope his junk or tell him all about my awesome blow-job abilities. I’m not going to take him home and fuck his brains out and then expect to ever hear from him again. I’m not going to emasculate him in any way by showing him up with my finances or successes. It’s 2012, yet if I chase or pursue a man, I’m going to be deemed desperate or psycho and he’s going to quickly lose interest in me, if he was ever intersted at all.

I know I can do anything for myself, and I’m assuming the guy does as well, but the men I want in my life feel good about me allowing him to do it for me even though I am perfectly capable. He doesn’t have to but he wants to because it makes him feel good. The men I like also appreciate the femininity of a woman. To be honest, I sometimes struggle with this because I am independent and often femininity is a sign of weakness (in business, for example). But, I do try and it takes a lot of work. 

At the very least, I want someone who offers. I may or may not accept, it depends on the situation. In the event that I’m meeting someone at a coffee shop and I am running late or he is very early, I do not expect him to wait for me (it’s really nice if he waits, however, and it is noticed), but I do expect him to offer to purchase my coffee. At this point, unless he is already standing up and walking to the counter with me, I tell him no thanks and get my beverage on my own. Often, if someone beats me to the location they will call or text and let me know they have arrived and then offer to get something for me. If someone asks me out, I expect him to pay. If I am dating someone and I tell him I want to take him to some awesome place for dinner, I will pay (or offer to). Obviously, if it’s a celebration (his birthday, a promotion, etc.) I will pay then as well.

I’ve never had a situation where the man did not pay my way and no, I did not have to twist any arms. The occasional first-date/meeting coffee, sure, a couple times (OK, there were three times total that a first meeting did not purchase my coffee and once when I bought frozen yogurt because my date drove quite a ways to meet me and I drove a mile and it was all because of my crazy schedule at the time — the only one that made it to first date territory was the latter). But never has a real date or meal even been negotiated.

My friends who go out with men who don’t pay are perpetually single. They are the types of women who accept DVDs on the sofa as a date. They get the pump and dump a lot. The men they go out with are quite a bit younger and are not successful — lazy turds. Or, they are successful and young, but they are douchebags who end up doing really shitty things in the end. In other words, they are not relationship material and usually have nothing going for them but their looks. Point being, always an issue or drama involved with these guys.

I’ve had a lot of first dates. I’ve dated a lot of men. I’ve had some bad luck and some good luck. But, I’ve never, ever gone out with someone younger than me (well, once, but he was only a year younger and a tenured professor — so he was old for his age). I’ve never gone out with a loser. I’ve never gone out with a real douchebag (mild douchebags, sure, but nothing like I’ve seen my friends go out with). I’ve never gone out with a gym-rat in love with his own reflection. I’ve never gone out with a total cheapskate — rich or poor. I’ve never gone out with a mysogynist. And, I’ve never paid for a date. Coinsidence?

Then there is the part about how men pay and women just show up. Sorry, but women don’t just show up. We have to “get ready” which is not only labor-intensive, but expensive. While men go bald, get wrinkles, and let their bellies grow when they turn 40, we are busting our asses at the gym, giving up cookies and bread, and paying thousands of dollars each year to look younger and better. We’re not really doing it for ourselves or for other women, we are doing it to attract or keep men. On top of that, we know men love to have their egos stroked so we smile and tell them that their dicks are amazing when they are not, that their wrinkles and gray hair make them look distinguished and not old, and that their belly really isn’t that big. And, we hope that when they finally make it in the business world, they won’t dump us for someone younger.

Yeah, sometimes I’ll go out with someone and afterward say, “Well, at least I got a free meal out of it!” Really, it’s a joke. And frankly, the only time I say that is when I end up going out with a man who blatantly lied about his appearance or age or who ended up being kind-of a jerk, or who was such a disappointment that it was the only thing I could say to not make me feel bad about the whole waste of a night. Frankly, I’d rather buy my own meal, eat alone, and enjoy the company of myself and my dog.

Your thoughts?

Is it possible for men and women to just be friends?

I have always really enjoyed the company of men but I’ve never had any good male friends. Not even during my college years. I’ve spend a lot of time talking to guys at school or at work, but I’ve never had any real guy friends — the kind who call to chat or send texts or emails, who take you to their work parties as a faux date and who I could take to a wedding as a non-serious plus one. I have had men I thought I was becoming friends with try to get me to sleep with them. And then we just couldn’t be friends after that or they lost all interest in me. Basically, if a man has been in my life outside of the office, he was my boyfriend or fuck buddy. I’ve never had a boyfriend or FWB start off as a friend — there were always clear intentions up-front. I should say, I don’t dress sexy, make sexual references, come across as highly sexual, or flirt. I don’t even know how to flirt!

But, lately I’ve been making more male friends, usually my co-workers and probably because of my somewhat recent interest in participating in sports. Plus, my job of nearly two years is male-dominated. My three most recents “flings” are all friend material, but only one has really stepped up to the plate (Cutie) as someone who could be a true friend. My Original FWB can’t be my friend because he wants to sleep with me and has a girlfriend who won’t have sex with him. Runner . . . well, I don’t know what is up with him. He did text me yesterday to tell me he’s recovered from all of his recent travels and wants to “connect” and “chat”. I texted him back, “OK” and haven’t heard anything. I need to give him his dishes and, I admit it, I do want to hear what he has to say (though I think I can guess) but I can’t put any effort into him anymore. Afterall, I can only give what I get. “OK” is the most I can do. I digress . . .

About a year ago I made friends with a co-worker. He has lots of friends, both male and female. He is also married and has a child. He’s a good guy, funny, non-threatening, easy to get along with, kind, all that good stuff. I don’t find him attractive but honestly I’ve never really thought about it. He’s a buddy type, plus he’s married. He left for a different position maybe six months ago and we’ve stayed in touch. Last night he invited me (last-minute) to be his faux date to an event. It was cocktail attire so we both dressed up and met near the venue to have drinks with mutual friends.

We went to the event, had a nice time, and settled in the back eventually. This is where things went awry and he vomitted some information that I really did not want to know right onto my lap. Basically, he and his wife had gotten into the swinger lifestyle not too long ago. They have extended that lifestyle and agreed that they could each see people on their own with whom they have a connection. I do not doubt their marriage is strong and they have been happily married for nearly 20 years. I was not phased by any of this as I have heard my share of stories from friends who were also into it or had dipped their toes. No biggie. I’m pretty open-minded anyway.

Then, much to my dismay, the bomb was dropped. He told me he found me very attractive and felt a connection to me. I did not allow it to go farther than this and cut him off by thanking him for the compliment and telling him he’s a good friend and that I felt a frienship connection with him as well. I tried to save the evening but it ended poorly and then he sent a text to apologize and . . . yeah. I don’t know. I drove home disappointed. Another one bites the dust.

Odd

I’ve been playing phonetag with a guy from Match.com for a couple days and we finally had the chance to connect at lunch today. At first it was small-talk and then he got a little bit deep and asked me what I would do for work if I had my dream job. He proceeded to then tell me about books I should read and then told me what he thought he knew about me based on what little he really knows. Things like my relationships with my family. I can’t say he was 100% wrong but he wasn’t 100% right. I was a little taken aback. Part of me was like, “Who does this guy think he is?” Mostly it was discomfort of being exposed without my permission.

I won’t give you every detail of the conversation, but I will say that he’s highly intelligent, he’s funny, and he’s quite the joker. But he has no filter. Most of the conversation was pleasant, but he did manage to tell me that his ex-wife was dumber than a box of rocks and that he learned the hard way that beauty fades but stupidity doesn’t. He also thanked me for adding a body image to my online dating profile. Then he went into detail about how he’s not looking for someone with a perfect body but he certainly doesn’t want to have to reach through fat rolls or something like that. And, finally, he was a little too forward about some things that I would think should come up later. He’d told me via email that he was “fixed” and I can see why, but during the phone call he told me about how he wants his relationship to have plenty of intimacy and he asked me if I was a passionate woman. I was taken aback and answered that of course I would say yes, as would any woman, but you really have to get to know someone and discover that on your own because what people say and who they are can be quite different. Talk about too much too soon!

I don’t know that I want to see him. He made me uncomfortable. I can appreciate his straightforward nature, however. I will have to think about it. Meanwhile I have meetings on Sunday and Tuesday with a couple new guys that I’ve been chatting with on Match.com.