The mysteries of the universe

First, the word on the job is “Monday” which means that this is going to be the longest weekend ever. Both good and bad, I suppose. Based on the feeling I got from the recruiter when I called him today, I think the offer went to the other person and they are waiting to see if he or she accepts before letting me know what’s going on. There were two of us and I know I wasn’t disliked but if he or she was a better candidate, that’s all that really matters. Oh well . . . I guess that makes things easier.

Second, I’m feeling really down in the dumps these days. I’ve lost my appetite, I’m sleeping a lot, I’m feeling blah. I am lonely and feeling alone in life. I even, for about two minutes, had some regret over dumping The Ex because I miss having someone to hug, hold, and touch whenever I wanted. Someone to sleep next to, to spend the holidays with, to talk to in the middle of the day, to make plans with, and to feel loved by.

Everything now is a game and a joke. What’s important doesn’t really seem important. I look at the thing I’ve got going on with Cutie and I have to wonder why he doesn’t see it as a great relationship? We laugh, we talk, we trust, we respect, we make each other smile and feel great, not just sexually. And, it’s not that I am dying for him to love me, but why can’t he see that that’s what’s important? Why can’t anyone see that? I feel like the only person in the world who does.

I guess I felt like after I lost weight and found myself again, the men would be clamoring for me. It is not the case. I don’t think I’m everyone’s cup of tea, I don’t think I’m all that, but I do think that women my age and in my situation are few and far between. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me. Perhaps I’m fatter than I think. Or I’m ugly and I just don’t know it. I guess the only thing I can do is lose more weight and see if that works. I feel like I’m going to be alone forever and while I know I can do it, have a good life, and probably have plenty of excitement from time-to-time, while all of my married and attached friends look at my life with envy, I miss having someone who cares, loves me, and who makes me a priority in his life. I have the feeling that I will never have that again. And the frustrating thing is, I don’t know why. Right now, I feel like I’m nothing.

The only men online who have put any real effort into meeting me have been really fat or really old. And, when I say I need to lose weight, we’re talking about maybe 20 lbs. These guys are in the 40+ extra lbs range. And by really old we’re talking 50+. Both of these men lied about their age on their profiles and then buried in the narrative claim that they “messed up their birthdate and can’t change it”. Right.

I guess I need to accept the facts and move on. Accept that I’m for some reason unloveable. Accept that I’m ugly, I guess. Accept that even though I can outrun most men, I’m still fat. Accept that I’m really not a good catch, afterall. Accept that no one really, truly cares (except my mom and my dog). Such a pity party, but it is the truth. Why lie, right? Why tell myself something that’s untrue just to make myself feel better. The fact is, it’s just me and that’s how I have to live my life. It’s sad and something I never expected, not in a million years.

Waiting by the phone

I’m wating and watching my phone. No, not for a guy. For the recruiter at the firm I had a final interview with. I’m not supposed to hear until tomorrow, but a decision could be made early. Surely stranger things have happened, right? I’m not expecially anxious for it to go one way or the other, I just want to know the result so I can deal with it. I mean, if I don’t receive an offer, I have my Plan B and it also means I’m probably staying local. I would be disappointed because I’d by lying if I didn’t say that I didn’t want to “win” but it sure would be a lot easier. If I do get the offer, well, there’s a whole lot of thinking to do.

Overwhelmed while underwhelmed

This is going to be one long roller-coaster of a post, so you might want to consider turning back. If you decide to climb aboard, bring your barf-bag.

I’ve never really, truly been able to commit. When the going gets tough I make changes. When I get bored I make changes. When I think the grass is greener on the other side I make changes. As a teen, if I decided I hated my high school I moved in with another parent (as in my mom or dad — they divorced when I was young) so I could have a fresh start. If I had a long stretch of difficulty at my job I found a new one. If my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch I left. Even when I was married I decided early on it wasn’t going to work plus I didn’t like where we were living so I left him and moved away to start a new life. I have lived in five states since 1998 and changed jobs every two to three years. Same goes for boyfriends.

When I moved in with The Ex, back to my hometown, I decided I would make every effort to finally put down some roots. I wanted to find a job in which I would stay for many years, if not for the rest of my career. I wanted to make life-long friends. I wanted to be a part of a community. I wanted to go to the same grocery store and be known by name. I wanted to recognize people on my commute. I wanted to make friends with my neighbors. I wanted a plan. I was 32 and ready to have the life like my parents, living in the same house for decades, having the same close friends forever, being a real part of lots of other peoples’ histories. You know, real stability. I feel like I’ve been weaving in and out of people’s lives all these years without making many real connections. I’m always gone too soon.

After living with The Ex just a few months I felt like it wasn’t working and I was not happy. I couldn’t trust my own instincts though, because how many times had I felt this way and jumped ship? Relationships are hard. He also has kids, so that was a big change. I was living in a new community that I did not like, which was difficult. I stayed and what happened was that I lost myself. I did not make many friends because if I left the house I was accused of cheating on him and didn’t want to deal with it. I did not do anything I enjoyed since all of my time and finances were wrapped up in our house and his kids. The economy tanked and I did not stick with one job but moved around when I could find something with better pay.

Four years later I was finally ready to admit that it wasn’t just me and my lack of ability to commit, it really was the relationship with The Ex that was not working out. So, I moved out and to a community I like, I found myself, I started doing things I enjoyed, I started to make new friends and foster my old relationships, my job situation was better . . . things were really good.

A year after I left The Ex, I’ve become restless again. Things were going great and then I lost my mojo. I stopped losing weight and became bored with my exercise routine. May/June were tough for me, as you all know. Runner and I ended up not working out and while I was not heartbroken, I will admit that the situation whetted my appetite for a relationship. I fell for Cutie, was rejected, and then he dumped me via text. My Original FWB decided he did like me, but he liked someone else better and said he’d come back for me if things didn’t work out with her (ouch!) and now it looks like that’s not going to happen and while I’m OK with it, it still burns a little. My good friend decided he was in love with me and that friendship was torn apart. The online dating situation really beat me up and shook my confidence. My best friend took a new job and now works weekends. My job stability is shaky at best and office morale is very low. I wish I lived in the city but I don’t want to deal with a commute.

When I decided one day that I wanted to move up north and then started handing out my resume, I just wanted out of here, to start something new somewhere else. I was frustrated with the lack of work in the area and have been feeling stress with my current situation. I didn’t feel like I had anything or anyone here. I didn’t feel wanted or needed. I was bored with my home city and the little it has to offer, especially when you don’t have anyone to do those things with. No boyfriend, most of my friends are parents with husbands or have been here forever so they have big groups of friends of their own, my best friend and I can no longer spend time together, my FWBs had moved on, and I felt that I was better appreciated in a larger city as far as dating and men go, as that has always been the case before. I miss living in a city filled with intellects and transplants who are open to new frienships.

I didn’t expect things to happen so fast. I didn’t expect the call-backs and the quick turnaround time for interviews or all of the interest in little old me. It was quite the whirlwind experience. And then, while I’m there I heard from both my Original FWB and Cutie. When I returned from my interviews up north my local friends started contacting me about upcoming plans and would I play on a team or go to a race or hang out soon? I also had a work party where I realized how much I really like a lot of my coworkers. At the party there were a lot of people who worked at my company before the recession and I envied their long-term friendships and realized that my relationships with co-workers were starting to become that, too. And then my first weekend back was filled with friends, family, and Cutie. My week is also full and my summer is filling up as well.

Despite everything, which really does seem to be looking up for me, I’ve been feeling some depression over the past few months. I’m not sure why. My life is not bad, I’m healthy, I’m obviously respected professionally, and I’m doing what I set out to do five years ago and putting down some roots. Has this simply been a rough spot? Is this really not the place for me? Am I falling victim to my own past bad habits? Or am I creating these issues myself?

I have not been able to concentrate much at work and my habits are turning around again. I’m staying up late and sleeping in. I’m tired. I’m not exercising. I’m either not eating well or I’m not eating at all. When I’m depressed I eat but when I’m stressed I don’t. I’ve been feeling a little of both as of late. I miss my BFF and our weekends together. I still haven’t found a way to replace that. Because I’ve stopped exercising, some of my goals will not be met and that is depressing as well.

I guess I’m anxious because I find out about the position up north at the end of the week. I know I should not put the cart before the horse, but I can’t not think about it. If it doesn’t work out, I have another idea up my sleeve and that would mean staying local. If I do decide to stay local, I think I will move downtown and get into the city with the other young, single, urban people so I don’t feel so closed off from it all anymore. That might mean commuting for now, but it might also be the change I need.

My itch got wiped out

Saturday night I had a date and scratched an itch by involving myself in a one-night stand. The date hasn’t contacted me (no big surprise there) and I have no interest in seeing my one-nighter guy again. I realize that I was spoiled by Cutie. I know I’m not the only person in a FWB relationship who has great sex with her partner as well as loving moments and a caring relationship. Our comfort with one another, acceptance of each other’s kinks, and the way in which we’re insanely turned on by each other made our relationship pretty special. He claimed that he has never performed with anyone else like he does with me and it’s safe to say that I feel 100% at ease with him and have no hang-ups whatsoever when I am with him. We have laughs and we talk, we joke, we can say “that hurts” or “do that harder”, and we have amazing sex that lasts for hours and nets up to 10 orgasms between us, with the majority often his, which is really fun for me. When he leaves he is exhausted and still horny and I am wired and still wanting more even though my sensitive body parts are screaming. The next day I’m sore in all the regular places as well as my neck, abs, ribs, and thighs! He’s usually pretty tired the following day, not to mention completely satiated.

Relationship-wise, he’s just not into me. He needs the spark, chemistry, the shit that’s not important but that people feel signals something “more”. The high of a new relationship. Probably a few other things as well. That’s what he had with the other woman when he broke-up with me and that’s why it ended so fast. I look good on paper, we are friends (even when we’re not fucking), and we get each other. As he likes to say, we’re cut from the same sexual cloth. But, he just doesn’t feel that way about me. He is not the best on paper and being in a relationship with him would probably not work or at the very least would not be easy. I know I talk about that all the time without being telling, but trust me, there are things about him that make him a bad relationship choice, and I know that deep down. Through our friend phase I’ve also realized how much I just like him as a person, even if sex is not involved. He is a sensitive soul who is always trying to do the right thing and he struggles every day.

I’m sure my readers will not be surprised when I tell you that I saw Cutie yesterday. It was an impromptu meeting. Last time we talked he was getting right with himself and doing better and better every day. He was not so much upset by the break-up as he was with himself for jumping into a relationship he knows he never should have been in in the first place and was embarrassed by his bad decision-making. He was spending more time beating himself up than he was mourning the loss of this woman he’d been with for just over two months. I think it was also difficult because he ended up ending things with her not because he didn’t have feelings for her but because he knew they could not make a go of it and that she was no good for him.

On the way back from a family outing in the woods, he contacted me as soon as he regained cell service and it quickly steered toward him dropping by on his way home. I asked him if he was sure he was ready and he said he was after speaking to a mentor on Friday and had the weekend away thinking. Though my itch was scratched on Saturday night, as you know scratching at an itch just makes it worse. I’m happy to say that the itch did not turn into an infection. I would tell you all of the ways in which we fucked for many hours, but really, it was no different than usual just with more laughs and smiles as we were very happy to see each other and be back in each other’s arms and there was no sadness or feelings of longing by me. He left after three hours and we proceeded to text for the rest of the night about how amazing it was and some future plans or things to try the next time.

As of right now, I feel great and am happy to have seen him. Will this last? I’m not sure. I guess it depends on whether or not I start thinking with my heart again, which could happen. My head knows where this is, what it is, and what it will always be, but my heart sometimes wants more despite it not being possible as well as being a bad idea anyway. Did I mention the sex?

Well, I got what I wanted

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I decided to have a one-nighter last night. Now, I know this isn’t usually my style, but every since Cutie got in touch, all I’ve thought about was sex and it was killing me. OK, a bit on the mellow-dramatic side . . . I was out to get laid and that was my plan so one of the guys who contacted me at AFF was going to get lucky. The first one I thought was hot, could put together a coherent sentence, and didn’t creep me out was tagged “it” and my mind was made up. I took a shower and washed away the cobwebs then I was off. Well, first I had a date with someone else . . .

I was meeting the guy who texted me from OK Cupid after I turned off my profile. I didn’t really want to but he obviously thought enough of me to get in touch even though I was gone, or at least he thought enough of the online me. And, I’ve given up on internet dating anyway. But, he was a really nice guy, smart, and kinda cute so I thought I’d do it. What’s one more frustrating and wasted evening, right?

We met at a bar and tried a flight of rum together, which was kinda fun. He was a little shy and sweet and I think I dominated the conversation. There were some awkward silences, but not too bad. I don’t think he liked me, but he walked me to my car anyway and threw out the obligatory, “This was fun, we should do it again sometime” and I said I’d like that and that he should call me. Whatever. I don’t know why men do that. Just say “Thanks, I had a nice time and it was great to meet you.” If you’re not going to call again, why even throw that out there? Nice guy, cute, smart, sweet, who I will probably never hear from again. Another exchange between two people that meant absolutely nothing. After our hug good-bye I was on the phone with my conquest and on my way to meet him at a Starbucks.

The conquest was sexy and totally not my type. I fucked him anyway and while it wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be, it scratched an itch. I definitely know I’m not cut out for the meet and fuck way of doing things and I do need a connection which I didn’t have with this guy. It made me miss Cutie or at least what we had. This was not a loving, caring situation and he was not really that interested in my pleasure and frankly I didn’t care about his either. After I got off I only wanted him to hurry up and finish. I’m not interested in seeing him again. Obviously.

TGIF

Yesterday I drove nearly four hours to a job interview, which meant I was up at 5AM. I was nervous as hell as I want this job really, really bad, and it was my final interview for the position. I was placed in front of eight people in real-time and one over video-conference for two-and-a-half hours of interogation questions. I can’t say that I nailed each question 100% but I nailed at least 90% of them. The group was actually quite nice and collectively had a great sense of humor. The first 15 minutes were tough but after that it was smooth sailing with a couple minor glitches here and there.

As soon as that was through, I got back in my car to drive another nearly four hours back home to attend a giant retirement party. All of the socializing and yelling over the music was exhausting on top of the drive and the interview. Somehow I woke up this morning and made it to work earlier than usual. I’m looking forward to getting out of here (I’m not getting any work done, obviously), slipping into my pjs, and laying on the sofa while eating some carbs in front of a couple good DVDs.

I hope to hear about the position late next week. Keep your fingers crossed for me! If this one does not pan out, I am still waiting for a potential call-back for another one and I just heard about a position opening up locally. The other local position is not something I want. Long story, but just glad I figured it out before taking a position there.

My Original FWB is still driving around aimlessly and camping at random places trying to get through his break-up or whatever. Cutie and I have been in touch briefly but nothing about getting together. So, that’s good because I’m not quite ready to make that decision anyway. However, when Cutie popped back into my life it got me thinking about sex. I haven’t had sex in over two months! Naturally, I re-opened my AFF profile. Why be lonely and sex-free until I meet someone special? Since I’m completely giving up online dating when my Match.com subscription expires in a month or so, this “meeting someone special” deal could take awhile! Might as well take advantage of the opportunity while I still can — that’s how I see it.

Speaking of online dating, I think I have a meeting tomorrow. But, whatevs . . . And, someone decent contacted me on Match.com despite my nasty profile. I’m not sure what that means.

The boys

As I mentioned yesterday, in a turn of events I heard from both my Original FWB and Cutie within two days of each other and with the same information. No surprise there. But, being that I was in a great state, hanging out with friends, out of town, and focusing on me, myself, and I, I handled it all very well and write this feeling no angst whatsoever.

First, my Original FWB texted me to let me know that he and the dysfunctional doctor had broken up. The bottom line was that he looked good on paper but she didn’t feel the chemistry while he felt the chemistry but she looked terrible on paper (except for the doctor part). I mentioned some of her many issues here and here. He seemed genuinely upset by it and I tried to comfort him. I did not suggest a get-together. In the end, he decided to take off on a road trip to regroup and relax. He’s kept in touch to tell me what he’s up to, but there is no talk of sex or dating. I’m OK with that. I don’t know how I would handle either one of these options (actually, I would not do the FWB thing with him, I know that for certain) at the moment but I think we’re both mature enough to know that now is not the time to bring it up with him fresh out of a relationship. He is also aware enough to know that he needs to think this one through and figure out why he went for someone as broken as her and how to avoid it in the future.  

The night after my Orginal FWB told me about his break-up I heard from Cutie. It was a simple text to let me know that he’s back from Europe. I welcomed him home and asked how it went. He said it was great with exception of the company. I asked if he went with his girlfriend and he said he had and they broke-up the day after their return. Again, I was the shoulder to cry on though Cutie is a little more reserved in talking about personal things when it involves someone else so it was mostly introspective stuff even though I caught the gist of what went wrong. The next day he asked if I would be interested in meeting this week.

I knew what he meant but he was being aloof about it enough to make me wonder. He’s never one to mince words with me. I assumed he was feeling things out to see where I stood. Knowing him so well, I sensed some reservation. I didn’t want to get mad or be annoyed, but I did want to talk it out. I waited so I wouldn’t react and finally answered, “What would you like to meet about?” which I knew would spark a conversation as well as allow me to understand what was going on. Hard to explain, but we have a thing where we really get each other.

The next morning he sent me a dozen texts to explain that he shouldn’t have presumed that I wanted to rekindle a sexual relationship. He also admitted that he was wanting to see me in order to avoid his emotions with his recent break-up (rebound) and that he needed to get past that before seeing me, so that he was being fair to both of us. He needed to deal with things appropriately on his end by just feeling the pain, the loneliness, the disappointment of things rather than drowning them with sex.

I was driving and couldn’t text back so when I was able I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said he did and we scheduled a call for later that evening. We ended up talking for an hour-and-a-half about what happened. When he dumped me I wasn’t sure if there was really a girlfriend because things didn’t add up, but in the back of my mind I thought that it could have been one of those situations where you meet someone, fall in love, and basically fuck-off everything else in your life and fast-forward into a train wreck. I didn’t think Cutie would do that because he has a handle on these things, but I guess even those of us who are very aware of our downfalls and emotions are blinded by “love” (as in extreme chemistry with an inappropriate person to the point of wearing blinders). So, he broke-up with her because he eventually saw why things wouldn’t work. High highs, low lows. No sex (a strange coinsidence with my Original FWB). Major baggage and dysfunctional issues. He misses what could have been, the companionship, the high of it all, and he feels embarrassed to have gotten started with her in the first place because there were so many warning signs. But, apparently the attraction was there so he went for it.

See kids, this is why we don’t jump at the first sign of “instant chemistry” and attraction and ignore things like debilitating diseases, anger management issues, drug and alcohol dependency, past abuse leading to fear of physical intimacy, and hoarding problems. No matter how cute they are, a broken person is still a broken person. Attraction does not fix it!

Anyway, I ended the conversation by telling him that I am open to reinstating our FWB relationship, but only under the right circumstances. I want him to see me because he wants to not because he’s using me/sex to mask other feelings. I want us both to part feeling happy, satisfied, and right. It needs to be a positive experience all around, before, during, and after. I realize I need to feel this way as well. So, while he’s getting over his break-up and righting himself, I need to consider whether or not I can do this with him again. I still have feelings for him but they are not as strong as they were (perhaps because he’s single and available to me?). Having sex with him may change this, I don’t know. I do enjoy sex with him (very much — no, make that VERY, VERY much!) and I enjoy spending time with him and I adore him as a friend.

Meanwhile, I’m doing my own thing, am busy as hell, and moving on. I decided to meet the guy who texted me yesterday and see if there’s anything there. That will most likely be my very last internet date. Well, never say never, but I’m still convinced that internet dating is pretty much bullshit. It is a great way to find sex though. I can certainly attest to that.