First, the word on the job is “Monday” which means that this is going to be the longest weekend ever. Both good and bad, I suppose. Based on the feeling I got from the recruiter when I called him today, I think the offer went to the other person and they are waiting to see if he or she accepts before letting me know what’s going on. There were two of us and I know I wasn’t disliked but if he or she was a better candidate, that’s all that really matters. Oh well . . . I guess that makes things easier.
Second, I’m feeling really down in the dumps these days. I’ve lost my appetite, I’m sleeping a lot, I’m feeling blah. I am lonely and feeling alone in life. I even, for about two minutes, had some regret over dumping The Ex because I miss having someone to hug, hold, and touch whenever I wanted. Someone to sleep next to, to spend the holidays with, to talk to in the middle of the day, to make plans with, and to feel loved by.
Everything now is a game and a joke. What’s important doesn’t really seem important. I look at the thing I’ve got going on with Cutie and I have to wonder why he doesn’t see it as a great relationship? We laugh, we talk, we trust, we respect, we make each other smile and feel great, not just sexually. And, it’s not that I am dying for him to love me, but why can’t he see that that’s what’s important? Why can’t anyone see that? I feel like the only person in the world who does.
I guess I felt like after I lost weight and found myself again, the men would be clamoring for me. It is not the case. I don’t think I’m everyone’s cup of tea, I don’t think I’m all that, but I do think that women my age and in my situation are few and far between. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me. Perhaps I’m fatter than I think. Or I’m ugly and I just don’t know it. I guess the only thing I can do is lose more weight and see if that works. I feel like I’m going to be alone forever and while I know I can do it, have a good life, and probably have plenty of excitement from time-to-time, while all of my married and attached friends look at my life with envy, I miss having someone who cares, loves me, and who makes me a priority in his life. I have the feeling that I will never have that again. And the frustrating thing is, I don’t know why. Right now, I feel like I’m nothing.
The only men online who have put any real effort into meeting me have been really fat or really old. And, when I say I need to lose weight, we’re talking about maybe 20 lbs. These guys are in the 40+ extra lbs range. And by really old we’re talking 50+. Both of these men lied about their age on their profiles and then buried in the narrative claim that they “messed up their birthdate and can’t change it”. Right.
I guess I need to accept the facts and move on. Accept that I’m for some reason unloveable. Accept that I’m ugly, I guess. Accept that even though I can outrun most men, I’m still fat. Accept that I’m really not a good catch, afterall. Accept that no one really, truly cares (except my mom and my dog). Such a pity party, but it is the truth. Why lie, right? Why tell myself something that’s untrue just to make myself feel better. The fact is, it’s just me and that’s how I have to live my life. It’s sad and something I never expected, not in a million years.