Melancholy

Things are going pretty well in my life. Really, I can’t complain. New job. New house. I’ve got great health. Even though I’ve let life take over and neglected the eating right and exercising part, I still look better than I did when I began this journey. I’ve got a great dog. My BFF is fabulous. I want for nothing, really.

That being said, now that everything has calmed down a bit and the excitement of all this stuff has worn off, I’m feeling sad because I don’t have anyone to share it with. Sure, I have my friends, but . . . it’s different. When I get the keys to my new house, I will be alone. After the first day on the new job I won’t have anyone at home waiting to take me to dinner so that I can tell him all about it. Even though my relationships have obviously never been fantastic, there was at least someone there for me, someone who cared, someone to share these things with.

Tomorrow I have a family event and Sunday I have a friend visiting from out of town for the day. After she leaves I’m meeting my BFF for dinner. Next week I have a dinner with the old lady next door and lunch with my coworkers. Over the weekend, so far I have a hike planned with a girlfriend. And that’s just what I have planned at the moment. So, why is it that I feel so alone?

I can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with me because no one is interested in dating me. It’s one thing to always have been single, and I have friends my age who are in that boat, but that’s not me and I’m still getting used to this way of life. It’s hard. And it makes me realize that you need to be there for people and you need to ask them to be there for you, too, because when you’re not in a relationship you don’t have a built-in support group. As long as your relationship isn’t horrific, it’s comforting having someone there, someone to talk to, someone to touch when you want to. I could use a hug right now and if I were living with The Ex, I could just go to him and hug him. He would hug me back. Yes, he’s an SOB, but it still felt good to have that comfort any time. I guess I’ll just go and hug my dog . . .

I finally heard from Cutie. I think the ship has sailed as far as he is concerned. He’s gotten what he wants from me and now it’s time to move on, I suppose. The situation with him has made me think twice about FWB relationships. I’m not someone who has disposable friends. I usually keep my friends forever. Sometimes we lose touch for a bit, but if they ever needed me, I would be there. I take friendship seriously. Perhaps that is problem. I come across as someone with a tough exterior, but inside I’m actually quite sensitive and I’m easily hurt. I care very deeply about others. Perhaps too much. Maybe that is why I’m so guarded.

I’m going to try hard to be happy for me during this time and make the best of it. Perhaps when things start happening and it is more excitement than stress, it will get better.

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Feeling like a grown-up

Maybe it’s because I’m the youngest child. Or perhaps it’s due to my emotional immaturity (self-diagnosed). Or, maybe, I’m just young at heart. I’ve never felt like a grown-up or someone fully capable of taking care of herself. I have been taking care of myself since I was 17, but usually with boyfriends, so I was never truly independent. I think The Ex prepared me for independence. Even though I had him to lean on if I needed to, I know I couldn’t lean on him without feeling his wrath or being reminded that I owed him. I was definitely the adult in that relationship. Over the past year, I haven’t had a life raft. I’ve grown because of it.

I’m thinking of the future. I’m thinking of where I want to be and what I want to do. I’m envisioning my future life and how I want it to be. What is important to me and what is not. What makes me happy and what doesn’t make a difference. Over the past year, I’ve been working on reconnecting with friends, old and new. I have made an effort to get fit, body and soul. I’ve been getting to know me.

When I took the job I currently have, my goal was to make more money in less time. I didn’t want to work too hard, just my 40-hour day. I had to focus on the relationship with The Ex and his kids, the house, and well, that’s about it. I couldn’t do all of that plus have a demanding job. So, I took a position that doesn’t require me to go above and beyond. It just happens to pay a decent salary to sit at a desk and write. I stay below the radar and because my regular work keeps me busy, I am rarely asked to do anything else. Perfect for someone who wants to give as little as possible.

I’ve been looking for a new job for about eight months. I have gotten close, but never made the final cut as in being offered the job. I am always a top candidate, which is great, but sure is a waste of time! I was offered a position and for several reasons, it ended up not happening. It was a blessing in disguise as it was the same job for the same type of company, just with managerial duties. I would get paid handsomely for overtime which is unheard of in a professional and managerial position, but that meant, you guessed it, working a lot of overtime. I am happy to do it when I need to, but I don’t like to be expected to because I do have a life outside of work. I also wasn’t thrilled with the people I would be working with.

As things with that position were falling apart, I learned a great deal about what I’d done wrong and what I really wanted out of a career. I landed an interview with another firm. I only interviewed for the position because I was scared to death that my current job would catch wind of the standing offer and the issues surrounding that offer and let me go. This was my crazy paranoia a few weeks ago. I sort-of padded my resume and this company does a very thorough background check. Very. It’s the same resume (obviously with updates) that I’ve been using for 15 years and this was the first time in six different jobs/companies that it has ever been an issue.

So, I went into the interview with this fear and paranoia as well as swearing never, ever to do what I’d done again and was 100% honest with my interviewers for the first time in 15 years. The issue came up in my first interview, it came up in my second interview, and it came up in my peer lunch. Yes, it was uncomfortable. But, I got through it and turns out it wasn’t such a big deal because I was offered the position this week.

Turns out, this job I interviewed for because I thought I was desperate was an amazing opportunity with some amazing people. The chemistry with my future boss and coworkers was great and their feelings toward me were off the charts. It’s similar to what I’m doing now, but different, and definitely bigger. It’s a grown-up position and I even have a corner office with a window! I can thrive here. I can make a lot of money here. And, I have a feeling I will be here for a long time.

Not only am I starting a new job, but I’m in the process of closing on a house. What a nightmare! Even though this house is supposed to be an investment and a rental in five years, I am not sure I ever want to go through the pain and suffering of purchasing a house again. I won’t go into detail and bore you all to death. I still have a long way to go before it’s a done deal. I will say, if anything makes you feel like a bonafide adult, it’s purchasing a home. Especially when it’s 100% on your own.

I put my profile up on OKCupid again. I don’t know why. I guess I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something, even if it’s just a passive attempt. My Original FWB is not moving (maybe I mentioned this before?) but we are just friends, and kinda good friends even though he can really annoy the piss out of me sometimes. Overall, he’s a good person.

So, what about Cutie?

This is super busy season for him at work so we aren’t in touch as much as usual. We check in from time-to-time. Last week was insane but we’d made plans to see each other on Friday night. I told him if he was too tired to let me know and I would understand. He said that even if he was too tired, he just wanted to see me. He sent me several “I miss you” texts and was not sexual at all. He mostly felt sorry for himself and wanted me to “poor baby” him, which I have discovered he really likes. He came over on Friday around 9pm straight from work and I got pizza for him. He was too tired for sex but we managed a quickie before eating. We ate, then he fell asleep. I was up all night being sweated on, listening to him snore and talk in his sleep, and generally being uncomfortable. I’m not used to sleeping next to someone anymore.

Cutie was more affectionate than usual, even though he’s always affectionate. But, what he really wanted was attention. I gave it to him by rubbing his head, his back, stroking his chest, telling him he works too hard, etc., and while I was happy to do so, it felt weird because I’m not his girlfriend or anyone special. And it hit me that Cutie, as nice as he is to me, uses me. In some ways, I guess that is the arrangement that we have. But the problem is that I don’t use him. I enjoy him, but I don’t use him. I don’t only contact him when I’m in need, like he does to me, it’s always about him. He dictates when we will see each other and he dictates the mood. His pattern is that he contacts me when it’s convenient for him. I’m there for him always: when he’s lonely, tired, sick, horny, bored, or in need of an ego boost. When he has a girlfriend, when he’s busy, when he’s happy, when he’s fulfilled, I don’t exist, but I am the first person he’s in touch with when he’s single again and when he needs me.

I think I deserve better and you know what? I would give anything to have someone in my life who cares about me the way I care about Cutie. To have someone who is there for me. To have someone who’s relationship with me isn’t entirely self-motivated, selfish, or whatever the word is I’m looking for. I don’t know if this is just Cutie, and why he’s been single for six years other than two relationships that have lasted a few months, or if this is just Cutie with me, taking what he can get from someone willing to give but who doesn’t ask for anything. Again, he’s not a jerk and he’s not doing anything I am not allowing him to do. This is all on me.

I keep reminding myself about what happened with my Original FWB. It used to be the same way, but when I put my foot down, even though we no longer sleep together, things changed for the better. I stopped allowing him to use me and he started to respect me and treat me like a human being rather than a blow-up doll. Again, he was never a jerk or rude, but I don’t think he ever really cared until now.

In my mind I have a conversation with Cutie about this, but I just don’t know what to say, and I hate the thought of not being with him anymore. We would stay friends, loosely anyway, but things would be different. I guess I will take it day-by-day and figure things out as I go.

So, wow . . .

The events over the past couple of weeks have told me one thing: to get my shit together!

I have a bad habit of letting things go, allowing it to snowball, and then finding myself not on the ball when I need to be. I don’t know if it’s laziness or a touch of depression that makes me do it, but it doesn’t matter.

Since my situation, yes, I still carry some paranoia with me, but overall, I’m on the right track. It may or may not bite my in the ass. I don’t know, and frankly at this point there is nothing I can do about it but prepare. I can’t let it darken my days and nights.

Big happenings:

  • I finally finished my 2011 taxes. It was stupid to wait considering I owed nothing. In fact, I received a $2 return!
  • Though I currently own a house with my ex, I’m looking to purchase another one for myself. I thought that having a mortgage would not allow it and now I’m finding out that there might be a way around it. I discovered that I could purchase a small home for as much as I spend on rent so it would be stupid not to go for it.
  • I’m ready to grow as a professional and have enrolled myself back in school. There will be student loans and a lack of free time due to studying, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
  • I’m definitely not dating. I’m not even perusing Craigslist for fun. I have zero interest at the moment.
  • I’m putting together a warm, beachy vacation for myself for my next birthday.
  • I have a second interview tomorrow for a job I really want.
  • My Original FWB and I are definitely just in the friend zone. And now he’s moving away. But, it’s OK, at least we’ve established our friendship.
  • I’m slowly weaning myself from Cutie. We’ve both been so busy as of late and my mind hasn’t been on sex because of everything else. I still care for him deeply and we’re still chatting at least once a week either texting or talking on the phone. I think we’d make a terrific couple (maybe?), but I’ve given up on ever being with someone when it makes sense. I’ve learned that people only date when the first time they’ve met is all chemistry regardless of the reality of the relationship. So, fuck it!
  • I’ve finally realized that there is a good chance that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve never even considered this before because no one in my family is single or has been single for more than a year between relationships. I’ve never been single. This is the first time since highschool that I have gone more than six months without being in a relationship. Part of me kinda likes it and part of me is scared shitless for the future. I never thought I’d have someone to pay my way, but someone there to help me if I need it, catch me if I fall, be there for me in illness or if I lost my job, someone to come home to every night, and someone to be there for the good times, too.

Yep, still waiting

I’m still waiting for it to come down on me. The anxiety comes and goes at this point. I mean, there’s really no reason to be anxious. It’s going to happen, and then I’m going to be screwed. The best course of action I can take is to keep going, to not press the pause button on life, to move forward and put myself back in the driver’s seat. And, of course, to learn from my mistake and definitely not repeat it. You’re all sick of this shit, sick of hearing about it, but I haven’t told a soul so this is where it has to come out. When it’s all said and done I might share more. I don’t know yet.

I’m so busy and so tired with my new schedule that men, dating, and even sex to a certain degree, are not on my mind much. Focusing on myself, on something I can control and see progress in, is so much more satisfying to me than focusing on the unknown. It’s really where I need to be right now.

But, this situation I’m in? It has provided me with some valuable lessons. I’m not sure what’s in store later this week, but I know I’m losing out on a valuable opportunity because of a bad choice and all of the things that were supposed to come with that are now gone. All of that hard work, for nothing. I’ve destroyed someone’s trust in me and disappointed people. And that hurts. But so far I’ve learned that I should never do anything I feel ashamed of. If someone finds out and I’m a little embarrassed, that’s fine. But shame and fear should drive me away from those options. I also need to live less in the moment and look out for my future. I’m a bit of a free spirit at times and tend to forget consequences. And this brings me full-circle to my love life as well, and Cutie. I need to re-evaluate and consider whether or not this relationship is actually bringing anything positive into my life. I’ve really got to work on getting rid of the negative and focusing on the positive. Once this is all over, I’ve got to make things right with myself.

Secrets and lies

I think I fucked up big-time and I think it might cost me. A lot. My outlook of “do whatever you want just don’t get caught” has finally come back to bite me in the ass. I’m not a bad person, I’m not a criminal, I’m not out to hurt anyone, I just don’t follow the rules. And, up until now, I’ve been lucky.

Sometimes I feel unethical in my day-to-day life and it causes me anxiety. Mostly, it’s the secrets that I keep. That I was a terrible student, that my father is a raging alcoholic, that I can’t seem to have a healthy relationship, my AFF membership, my FWBs, and my somewhat devious sexual history. Sometimes I’m embarrassed about my family. I’ve felt shame at my eating issues. I feel like a fraud at times. There are things I do that I know I shouldn’t, but I do them anyway. There are things I don’t tell or maybe lie about because I don’t want to be judged.

I know that everyone is allowed a personal life and things like money and sex are very personal. I also know that not everyone is what they seem to be on the outside. People are bankrupt, financially irresponsible, living paycheck-to-paycheck, even though on the outside you would peg them as very responsible and having their shit together. Perfectly decent people are swingers and some people you would never expect have affairs or strange and even illegal fetishes. Some people have substance issues and some have other mental or emotional problems. No one is perfect, no matter how much they seem to be on the outside.

My secrets and lies are not big deals, in the scheme of things, but they are things I wouldn’t want anyone to know and things I worry about people finding out about. My workplace is the most gossipy office I’ve ever known. There is gossip going around about people that would devestate me. I know that if anyone ever discovered any of my secrets, it would spread like wildfire and that bothers me. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is living a life 100% in the open and I’m trying to fit in.

I want to live a life where I don’t have to worry about anyone finding out anything about me. I don’t want to have to worry about it. So, from now on I’m going to live that life. I’m just tired of the secrets. I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of hiding, sneaking, being less than honest with myself and everyone else. I am going to be able to look people in the eye from now on.

I’m not sure how this chapter is going to play out. Whatever happens that is bad, I think I deserve it. But, I think it’s going to be pretty bad. I haven’t slept for days. I have a constant “feeling” in my gut. I’m watching others, waiting for them to see it, too. I’m just biding my time and waiting to be called out. The waiting is killing me, but it’s got to happen and I’ve got to face the music. So, I just sit in my own misery and wait for the shit storm to happen.

Sometimes I wonder . . .

Remember the former coworker friend who decided he had a thing for me? I mentioned he recently announced a divorce and moved out. They’ve been split up for maybe two months total and he moved out two weeks ago. Of course, I don’t really know what happened because I was not there, so this is all just what he’s told me.

Well, during a group get together yesterday he showed up with a new girlfriend. She’s new, but not as in first-date new. You could tell by the way they were all over each other. While I was surprised due to the recent divorce and the fact that we talk a lot and he didn’t mention it, I was more surprised that she was actually cute. Maybe she is batshit crazy, or a bitch, I honestly have no idea. But he is very unattractive not to mention newly seperated from his wife of 20 years with a very young and special needs child. However, he does have a killer personality.

Of course, I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me for not jumping at the chance to be with him. Is he really all that but my perception is totally skewed? Did I miss out on something great because I’m so picky? I thought about it all night. Of course, besides not being attracted to him (the thought of being intimate with him repulses me), there is the fact that I really did not want to get involved with 1) a friend, 2) a friend who is a former co-worker and friends with all of my coworkers, 3) a married guy (he was married when he announced his feelings for me), (and now that he’s single) 4) someone recently seperated, and 5) someone with a very young child, special needs or not.

This is not about him, his actions, or his feelings. I don’t have a clue what’s going on with him and besides being disappointed that he didn’t tell me the whole story just half when I thought we were good friends, I don’t care that he has a girlfriend. It just makes me wonder if it’s been me that’s been out of whack during this whole dating thing?

Edit: I was re-reading my post for errors and it just hit me that maybe I project too much onto my dates. Maybe I think they are judging me as harshly as I am judging them? Maybe I am too caught up on looks and body and I think that is all they care so I get all weird and defensive in my personality while thinking that they are thinking I’m fat or ugly. Perhaps this is what gets me in the end and why “the more men like me the more likeable I become.” I think I might be onto something here . . .

Lost . . . and found

I feel like I am drifting along lost and it’s probably because I don’t have a clear plan or clear goals. I’m also not ready to date because I rely on the opinion of strangers to determine my self-worth, apparently, and it also redirects my focus. The fact that I can’t find anyone at all interested in dating me is depressing and sad.

My life over the past three months has been a vicious cycle and a departure from the happiness I was feeling over the past year and I need to get that back. It’s hard when you fall into a black hole of boredom, despair, and sadness. I think it stems from the fact that I’ve worked really hard over the pat year to look better and feel better, yet I’m still not good enough, not in my own eyes and definitely not in the eyes of others. For some reason I can’t get it through my head that I do look better, I do feel better, and I am better off. Just because I’m not at my goal right at this moment doesn’t mean that I will never get there or that I need to give up. I feel like in dating I focus on all of the bad and none of the good. It’s all superficial. It’s not about how I feel or how I’m progressing, it’s all about what they think of me. And, because I have no idea what the truth is, I have to assume it’s because they think I’m fat or ugly or my personality is severely lacking.

Putting myself out there in the dating world has killed my self-esteem. Being a FWB hasn’t helped, either. If I were smart, I’d pull out of both situations. I’m just not that smart, though. Cutie will never be into me for one reason or another, so I might as well keep doing that. However, no more online dating, at least not until I’m at a place where the men are dying to take me out, especially after our initial in-person meeting.

Everything has fallen apart over the past few months: my financials, my home, my fitness, my weight, my self-esteem, my sleep schedule . . . everything. If I had my shit together three months ago, I don’t anymore. It all spiraled out of control. Now it’s time to bring it all back.

Goal 1: No dating for the rest of 2012.

Goal 2: No more FWBs. It’s either Cutie or no one.

Goal 3: Keep working on the fitness and diet.

Goal 4: No more clothes purchases for 2012 (with exception of essential items).