Much better

I deleted my OK Cupid profile. I would have deleted my Match.com profile too, but it’s paid through the end of July and I can’t not use it, that would be a waste. However, I will change my profile to be as honest as I can be without coming across as a total bitch and that will most likely guarantee zero responses or maybe just responses from total weirdos which can be fun. I told one guy that I was talking with that I was done and probably moving anyway and he was pretty cool. In fact his response got me to thinking and I realized that I have never dated someone who I met at a bar, grocery store, or in passing. Always they have been men that I’d at least kinda known through school or through work. The only internet dating I have done has been sexual. In that case they come back for more if they are comfortable, they find you at least somewhat attractive, and you are willing to put out. However, over time, they have all ended up relationships, with the guy having feelings for me, or a frienship. So, unless I meet someone online who isn’t looking for instant chemistry or having his socks knocked off in an hour or less, online dating definitely won’t work for me.

But, instead of worrying about dating, I’m focusing on my upcoming job interviews. I have a lot on my plate at my current job. I also have another half-marathon coming up and need to keep my rear in gear for that because there is nothing — NOTHING! — worse than running 13.1 miles when you’re not in shape for it. I’m also stressing about where I might live if I move. That’s totally putting the cart before the horse, but where I live is very important to me. I will not commute more than 15 minutes and I despise the deep ‘burbs commuting lifestyle. I will live in a $1,200 per month 300 square foot apartment near the office in a great area before I live in a cheaper, bigger place far from the office in the suburbs.

Also, I’ve realized that while I’m thinner than I was, I’m still not thin. I have some more weight to lose and that is another focus. Even though my clothing size is small, I’m short and have a large frame for my height so extra weight does not sit well on me. I’m in shape and in fact, when I took a first date on a hike he was huffing and puffing as I led the way and chatted without any heavy breathing. His body type was “athletic and toned” while mine was “average” but I am in better shape than he is. Go figure. I hate that a guy would choose a thin woman even if she was lazy as hell and couldn’t run a quarter of a mile (skinny-fat) over a woman who is more average in size and can run a half-marathon. This world we live in is kinda fucked-up.

Advertisements

Regrouping

This internet dating thing certainly . . . blows. I can’t get past a first date to save my life and can’t even find someone decent enough to text/email me afterward to tell me they aren’t interested. That leaves me wondering if they think I was not interested in them? Or are they simply not interested in me? Probably the latter so I always just let it go, but in the back of my mind I do wonder. I wonder because I’ve been accused of not seeming interested as I can come across as indifferent. That being said, I know that if a man is interested in seeing you again he will let you know.

I’m not the thinnest person out there. I’m not the prettiest. I’m not the youngest. Online dating is catalog-like and the next page will always reveal someone “better”. Unfortunately, the pages are endless. I guess the same goes for the available men but I don’t think women are wired the same way. I’m not anyway. For an average woman like me it seems like it will always be a futile lesson. How many times have I wondered why he looked me over but is now going out with a woman with three young kids and an impossible ex, a woman with mental problems, a woman working for minimum wage at the age of 40, a woman who is bankrupt, or a woman who is a bitch? Because he is more physically attracted to her than he is to me. I can be all kinds of wonderful, but it doesn’t matter because there will always be someone better on the outside.

I never in a million years thought that I would end up single. I’ve never been single! This is the longest stretch since I started having boyfriends in high school. I guess over the past 13 months I’ve had two FWBs (Cutie and Original FWB) and I did date someone briefly (Runner). And, for the most part I did take myself out of the dating pool. I haven’t been at it for long, I know, but it’s still a disappointment. I also feel like it’s taking away from the rest of my life. The investment has not yielded any returns except a loss of productivity, some weight gain (5 lbs!), and a bad attitude.

If I were to analyze myself, I would say that my issue lies in the fear of the unknown and the lack of control one has when it comes to relationships with others. I can pour myself into exercise and work and I will see positive results. I can pour myself into dating and be disappointed every time. I feel like once I declare that I’m ready for a relationship, and once I put in 100%, one should happen with ease. I’m not used to this lack of success because I can put my mind into anything and obtain it. But, I realize dating doesn’t work that way which makes it frustrating and a tough pill for me to swallow.

I think the answer is for me to take my focus off dating for awhile and focus on what I can control. At the moment, I don’t know if that means being passive or hiding my profiles, but I will figure it out in the coming days. When I think back or read past blogs, I am at my happiest when I am single. Right now I need to focus on that and maybe it means that I’m still not ready to date?

Diet: Fewer dates means fewer restuarants and more time to focus on preparing and cooking good meals. I have 20 lbs I’d like to lose and diet is 80% of the weight loss.

Exercise: When I was married to my workout and running schedules men became annoyed with me and my lack of flexibility and claimed I did not have time for dating. I start my early morning workouts next week and I’m back to my regular running schedule as of yesterday. This means a strict bedtime and lack of availability. More working out also means a happier me. Hopefully it will lift me out of this funk I’m in. [Sidenote: It fucking pisses me off that man expects me to rock an amazing body yet is annoyed or pissed when I have to call it a night at 9pm because I have to get up early for a workout or I’m not available because I have a scheduled run. I just have to say FUCK YOU!]

Work: I’ve been focusing so much on men — thinking about them, texting them, emailing them, working on my profile, reading online dating coach websites, writing about dates in my blog — that I haven’t been focused at work. My work is not suffering (yet) but my productivity is and that makes me feel shitty.

Other Things: Do I want to stay in this city? My career? I’m not sure. I am starting to look around at other opportunities in other cities. I started last week and have three interviews lined up. All three would provide a career and financial upgrade. Two of them are in another city not too far away. One is something local that I’ve been working on for nearly five months that I hope will come to fruition.

A new leaf

It’s Monday and it’s time to turn over a new leaf.

For the record, I do not believe that Cutie has a girlfriend. It’s possible, but things don’t add up. What I suspect is that after I told him I had feelings he felt awkward and guilty, perhaps the passion fizzled a little because it complicated things, and the situation lost it’s “edge.” Cutie is pretty sensitive and has a very guilty conscience. He is also very emotionally unavailable, afraid, and damaged. Finally, he knows I’m in a different place now and was seeing him because I liked him, not just for fun sexual times, and I don’t think he felt good about it, even if I claimed I was fine. Knowing what I know about Cutie, if someone is affected negatively, he can’t do it because he doesn’t feel good about it. I won’t go into details. If what I believe is true, I understand why he did what he did.

I know that Cutie, had things clicked between us, would not have been an ideal partner. I was actually a little afraid that he might like me back. But I decided to go with it, to take the chance, based on how I felt. He is a great person but probably not a great partner, not for me. There are pieces of him that I do hope to find in my next relationship, however. And, as mentioned before, he taught me a lot about myself and about what I’m looking for. The situation also reminded me that going for someone or a situation that is not healthy is a weakness of mine that I need to try to work on. 

This thing, this break-up I guess, was a good thing. I would have continued seeing him which may have skewed my overall goal of finding a healthy relationship. He would have been safe and he would have quenched my thirst for affection, attention, and sex to the point where I may not have gone out with certain men so as to not have to put forth the effort or deal with potential disappointment. What I was doing was not what I wanted, ultimately. Because I am in a different place now, it probably would have started to make me feel bad, used, sad, and more alone than if I had no one at all.

I’m not going to ask him about the relationship, accuse him, or thank him. I’m sure that if we contiue to be friends, and I hope we do, it will all come out into the open one day. Right now, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that I learned and am moving on, with some knowledge and insight about myself and what I’m looking for.

We have been in touch. Very light-hearted. It’s difficult to remember to keep the sex stuff out of our texts, but it will get easier over time. I have not heard from my Original FWB and don’t expect to. And, I have heard from Runner. He’s back from his trips this week and may be trying to butter me up to go out with him or have sex with him or maybe he just wants the dish he left at my place back. Who knows? I’m sure things will come up, one way or the other. And, I just have to tell him that while I like him, I’m looking for a boyfriend. At that, he’ll likely run for it, and that’s OK, too.

I have some dates lined up this week. I’ve decided that I have two nights per week for first meeting dates and that’s it. Real dates can happen over the weekend, but just one per weekend. I’m trying really hard to not get burned out this time. Dating a lot is tiring and I suppose I’m easily annoyed. I don’t like having the same conversation over and over and find it a little exhausting to talk that much.

Pity party is (almost) over

Last night right after work I ran to my favorite store to buy a dress and shoes I’ve been waiting to go on sale for months. It was my lucky day — they had my size in both. While there, I also bought a cute pair of pants on sale. I had coupons and I saved tons of money!

The sun was shining and it was warm but not too warm, so I went for a run. After my run I played outside with my dog whose happiness is contagious. You will all be glad to hear that I washed my hair. I ate a good dinner while watching one of my favorite shows on Netflix, vacuumed, painted my nails, read my book, and had a nice night of rest. Today, I did my hair and dressed in my new pants, a pair of shoes I hadn’t worn yet, a new jacket, and a new blouse.

I’m feeling better, but I still can’t help but think about things and how I wished they were. I read about all of the “desperate” and “pathetic” women who have FWB relationships with men when they wish they had more, the things they do, and the way it ends. Granted, my relationship with Cutie started off very unattached and it wasn’t a backdoor way into his heart. I was in a different place at the time. But, as my feelings for him, and my readiness for a relationship progressed, I found myself doing some things that embarrass me now.

I tried to make myself what I thought he wanted in a girlfriend so that one day he’d wake up and realize that we should give this thing a shot. The irony is that the woman he is with is not what he said he wanted. So there I was, trying to be his everything when someone else was just herself and drew him in anyway. It goes to show, and I know I’ve said it a million times, it’s the it, nothing more, nothing less. I could be his everything if only he’d let me, but the bottom line is that if someone wants you they want you, if they don’t, they don’t. And, it’s important to be yourself and not apologize for it. If they like you enough they will make concessions and if they don’t, well, it never mattered anyway.

I’m beginning to feel like Cutie never really was my friend. I feel like perhaps everything we had was all because he wanted to keep his status as my sex buddy. I know I took the place of a girlfriend, without the work or the commitment, for awhile. Now that he has a girlfriend, I’ve been replaced as not only a lover, but a friend. I don’t hear from him at all anymore. I’m hopeful that perhaps that friendship will come back once we’ve had some space and his relationship settles into something more of a routine. I won’t hold my breath.

In that vein, I’m seeing my Original FWB this evening after work to catch up. I truly hope this isn’t about trying to get in my pants. If it is, I’ll know that he was never my friend. I will be sad about it, but it will be another lesson learned. I feel like men think about sex with their women friends, even if they would never act on it. Once they have had sex, I think the conquest is over and the men are not as interested, even in a friendship. Perhaps I’m wrong, but ironically, my only true guy friends are men I haven’t slept with even if I have dated them. And the men I have slept with can’t be my friends — they only sniff me out when they are single and horny or completely ignore me.

Otherwise, I’m getting back on the horse. I have a date on Friday.

They mean well

With dating, some of my perpetually single girlfriends (I don’t have many) tend not to look back at what happened as a learning experience. Instead they blame all failures on the guy being an asshole and proclaim, “his loss!” whenever something goes awry. These same friends consider it rejection if someone is not interested, loses interest, doesn’t want a full-blown relationship, etc. Either the guy is a piece of shit or else they find themselves constantly rejected.

It’s an easy pattern to fall into. It brings you down, it makes dating miserable, and it doesn’t allow you to see things for what they really are. You can’t please everyone, not everyone is going to think you’re great, you won’t always get a chance to shine, and sometimes it‘s just not there. There are other issues at play as well, especially in the online dating world. People juggle multiple potential partners and sometimes they think they like someone better so all of their effort is going to him or her. Since getting back online, I recognize a lot of the men from the last time I tried online dating, so I’m sure they are getting exhausted, bitter, and possibly bored. And then, there are the issues we all face at times: a heavy workload, personal problems, and emotional unavailability. Add to that the online attitude of always looking for someone “better” and the odds are really stacked against you.

In the case of Runner, for example, if I had listened to the things he’d said and taken them to heart, I probably would not have slept with him. I did hear things such as how interesting he thought I was, how he really liked me, and how he loved spending time with me. I also noticed him being kind, chivalrous, and pursuing me. What I chose not to listen to were the negative things that basically pointed to him not being ready for a relationship. So, it’s not his loss, he’s not an asshole, and I wasn’t rejected. But, I do need to remember to ignore the positives and listen to the negatives. This doesn’t mean reading into everything, overthinking, or driving yourself crazy thinking of your next move. It means being yourself, listening, and then doing what’s in your best interest.

I’m doing my best to maintain a positive attitude and so far, it seems to be working. I’ve attracted more men and I’m having a nice time with it. I started contacting men, something I would never have done before, and being flirty and nice. I’m not mad when I don’t hear back and I don’t feel rejected. It takes some work and it takes finesse. It also takes some guts, I will admit. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable because for years I truly felt like the man should always approach the woman. Now, I simply imagine myself standing in line at the grocery store, there’s a cute guy standing behind me who I know nothing about. I just know he’s cute. He has a giant watermelon in his cart, in the front where a child would sit, and I say something witty like, “That’s a big baby you’ve got there!” and then I let him take things from there. Maybe he didn’t approach me because he’s shy or awkward or his mind was elsewhere. Not desperate. Not weird. Just showing that I’m open to him pursuing me, if he wants to.

A pattern

I’ve always been blown away by men who treat me like a princess. It doesn’t happen often as I’m no beauty queen. But when it happens, I am puddy in their hands. Flowers, expensive dinners, love letters, gifts, “proper” dates, and chivalry — and lots of it — seems to be the way to my heart. Yet, all of the men including my own father, who went this nuts over me ended up having some serious issues and being bad news.

My father was an emotionally abusive alcholic. He was controlling and manipulative to my mother. They divorced when I was young, so his behavior was never transferred onto me. A boyfriend who laid it on super thick was this way as well, minus the booze. Getting away from him was a challenge. The Ex was just as manipulative and emotionally abusive as both of these guys. Anyone who wasn’t strong in our relationship, who was just nice and healthy, I steamrolled and lost respect for.

I do not want to be attracted to these men, but I find it hard not to be. And, when I’m not given flowers or taken to the best place in town or being swept off my feet, I find myself disappointed. I have been expecting flowers from Runner all week because of what went down between us because that’s what men would have done in the past. Screwed up and then manipulated me into forgiving them instead of talking it out. And if I didn’t forgive them, they would remind me of all of the nice things they had done for me and tell me I was being selfish. Then, they would stop talking to me, I’d feel guilty, and end up apologizing to them. How fucked up is that?

In turning a new leaf — being warmer and looking for a healthy relationship — I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my patterns and how I can end them. I’ve been paying attention to potential matches on the online dating sites and going more for the nice guys versus the manly men with extra doses of testosterone. So, the men I’m contacting are a little different than what I’m used to. The only thing I still can’t get over though are the prison pussies!

Weakness

I used to believe that being in a relationship or wanting to be in a relationship was a sign of weakness. That’s one of the reasons it’s been difficult (no, make that impossible) for me to communicate to a man that I want a relationship. Even if a guy is pouring it on, I’m reluctant to “give in”. Sure, I’m probably afraid of feeling vulnerable and all that, but mostly I don’t want to feel like I lost. Relationships have always been about the chase and the competition. That’s why they never last for me. I’m stubborn, I’m always trying to win, I yearn to be chased, I want to be less emotionally involved in order to have the upper hand. That is so unhealthy. To want a relationship with someone is human, not a mental illness. My closest friends say to me, all the time, “It’s OK. You are human.” Now I get it.

It’s taking a very counscious effort for me to be open, warm, and emotionally available with the men and potential men in my life. It’s hard. But, it makes me feel better. Just like exercising and eating right. I’ve started emailing men online (with no luck, I might add) against my better judgement (it’s never lead to an actual date). Hopefully it’s worth it in the end — putting myself out there, the rejection, and the embarrassment of liking someone and not being liked back.