Lost . . . and found

I feel like I am drifting along lost and it’s probably because I don’t have a clear plan or clear goals. I’m also not ready to date because I rely on the opinion of strangers to determine my self-worth, apparently, and it also redirects my focus. The fact that I can’t find anyone at all interested in dating me is depressing and sad.

My life over the past three months has been a vicious cycle and a departure from the happiness I was feeling over the past year and I need to get that back. It’s hard when you fall into a black hole of boredom, despair, and sadness. I think it stems from the fact that I’ve worked really hard over the pat year to look better and feel better, yet I’m still not good enough, not in my own eyes and definitely not in the eyes of others. For some reason I can’t get it through my head that I do look better, I do feel better, and I am better off. Just because I’m not at my goal right at this moment doesn’t mean that I will never get there or that I need to give up. I feel like in dating I focus on all of the bad and none of the good. It’s all superficial. It’s not about how I feel or how I’m progressing, it’s all about what they think of me. And, because I have no idea what the truth is, I have to assume it’s because they think I’m fat or ugly or my personality is severely lacking.

Putting myself out there in the dating world has killed my self-esteem. Being a FWB hasn’t helped, either. If I were smart, I’d pull out of both situations. I’m just not that smart, though. Cutie will never be into me for one reason or another, so I might as well keep doing that. However, no more online dating, at least not until I’m at a place where the men are dying to take me out, especially after our initial in-person meeting.

Everything has fallen apart over the past few months: my financials, my home, my fitness, my weight, my self-esteem, my sleep schedule . . . everything. If I had my shit together three months ago, I don’t anymore. It all spiraled out of control. Now it’s time to bring it all back.

Goal 1: No dating for the rest of 2012.

Goal 2: No more FWBs. It’s either Cutie or no one.

Goal 3: Keep working on the fitness and diet.

Goal 4: No more clothes purchases for 2012 (with exception of essential items).

 

 

Lonely

I guess being lonely is part of life, especially adult life. For me, there are ebs and flows. Some weekends are packed with friends, guys, family, activity, and more. And some weekends make me wonder if anyone in this big universe has thought about me once or if they would notice if I disappeared. Sometimes I feel lonely and then realize that I shouldn’t because of the number of people that contacted me that day or my upcoming social obligations.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely. So lonely that I’m sad. So sad that I don’t want to get out and do something to make myself feel less lonely. Like go for a walk in a crowded park, take my dog to a dog park, or even go to the mall. Maybe pick up the phone and call someone. This has turned into a vicious cycle: lonely, sad, do nothing, feel worse, rinse and repeat.

Having Cutie around again has helped a little bit because he’s always there and he satisfies my need for human touch, plus we make each other laugh and smile all the time. On the other hand it has fueled some frustrations. Turns out that Cutie’s ex is a little bit crazy, among other things. And then I’m back to: Why choose crazy over me? Why choose diseased over me? Why choose mentally damaged over me? Why choose physically damaged over me? I guess it’s one of those things about love that no one will ever be able to answer.

I am trying to get out of this funk. I re-opened my OKCupid profile and I changed my dating profiles to be less bitchy but probably more honest than any dating coach would ever recommend. I do feel a little happier lately mostly because I’m thinking of some things to get me going again, including exercise, food, schedule, and maybe moving into the city. Of course, there’s the job search as well and if I do get an offer tomorrow, which I do not expect to get, well that’s a different story.

I am challenging myself to lose 30 lbs by December 1. That’s a lot for me and would be the size that makes me “look good in pictures” (if you are a woman, you know what I mean). It will be difficult because that is thin for me and because I run long distances and have to be able to fuel those runs. Maybe when I’m thin this dating thing won’t be so tough.

It’s hard to be fat when you’re online dating: Part 2

I wrote this post in August, when I was kinda fat. Now, eight months later, I’m not fat. And, things are different. I’ve been down this road before and the findings are similar. However, this is my first foray into online dating both heavy and not heavy.

When I was heavy I really did not have any body shots in my profile. It was clear that I wasn’t obese, but not clear that I wasn’t at least chunky. I didn’t receive a ton of replies and I went out with pretty much anyone who seemed nice. I probably went out with people I didn’t want to go out with at all because when you’re fat, you’ll take what you can get, right? As you know, those dates never turned into anything more. Then I left the online dating scene. I believe I started my profile as “curvy” and ended with “average” even though I probably should’ve been “a few extra lbs”.

I consider myself “average” now, not “thin” or “slender”. But, I’m also very strong and athletic. I left my profile on “average” but all my photos are new, including a full body photo. I hadn’t received too many responses, but they have all been higher caliber men than my last try. Recently, because I asked a few trusted people and they all gave me the same answer, I changed my profile from “average” to “athletic” only because, well, I am. I’m not average sized with fat and bones, I have quite a bit of muscle that can be felt and seen. And, wouldn’t you know, my profile views have jumped by a staggering number as have my responses, even though I did not change my photos or my profile. I’m still batting about 50/50 as far as decent and icky guys (and the decent guys are not necessarily men I would date, either). It’s not like I’ve solved some mystery here, I realize that, but in case anyone was ever wondering, size does matter (har, har, har).

Personally, I don’t want to date a man who is not in decent shape. Why? Because I don’t want to fall into old habits with someone, for one. I will admit, when I see someone overweight, I see someone generally unhappy. Maybe sad, depressed or stressed out, but most importantly, he’s not taking care of himself for one reason or another and self-care is so important. I’ve been there and so have many of my friends and family members. I don’t know know one truly happy overweight person. I don’t want to have that in my life. I’m not attracted to fat men, no, but more than that, I’m thinking about the kind of person I want to spend my time with. It’s more about values and lifestyle than anything else. I’m not talking about a guy with a little extra in the middle due to a slowed metabolism here, either. I’ve got the same issue, afterall. That is perfectly acceptable as long as he is someone who cares for his body and spends some time maintaining it as well as spending time nourishing his body with the right foods and exercising for his mental health. People who feel good look good and vice versa. I want someone happy and healthy in my life.

But, do you want to know what the hard part is about online dating when you’re not heavy? It’s the part where someone doesn’t email you back or they look at your profile and never email you at all. When you’re fat you can blame it on your weight. When you’re not fat, you have to come to the realization that he either thought you were unattractive or didn’t care for your personality in your profile. It’s easy to lose weight, but changing your face and your personality is a little harder and rejection for that is more difficult to swallow.

I think I’ve figured it out

I’m what a lot men say they want in their profiles:

• Average in size (vs. BBW or whatever)
• Confident
• Active
• Well-travelled
• College-educated
• I like a good beer every once in a while
• Outdoorsy when I’m outdoors, not so much when I’m indoors
• Love dogs
• Hobbies of my own (to the point where I’m often too busy to even meet these guys)
• Have a job/career/make my own money
• Am shorter than the average guy but still an average height
• Can get dressed up or dressed down depending on the situation (stupid, but every single profile wants it!)
• A few bonus items: no kids, don’t smoke, no addictions, decent looking (not a 10 and I am horribly unphotogenic), and have a car

A friend of mine also has dating profiles on the same sites I have.  Speaking purely based on the internet, not of the two of us in person, the major differences one would see right away are that she is a couple years older than I am, she is tall for a woman, and has never been married (whereas I have been divorced). The other thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is that she is very pretty and very photogenic.  She has some of the attributes that men are looking for, but not quite the list that I have.  Which doesn’t mean I’m better than she is.  I would say that overall, she might be a better human being and if there is a judgement day and if there is a God, but room for just one more person in heaven, between the two of us, I would be the one going somewhere really hot.  My friend has a lot of positive attributes that one would not be aware of without meeting her, but for the sake of this post, we’re just talking about the basic, first impression stuff. 

Men who are active (tri-athletes, runners, racers, etc.) contact her and in their profile they say they want an active partner.  Her profile does not claim to ever exercise, hike, bike, run, yoga, etc.  Her hobbies include socializing, shopping, eating out (and not at trendy restaurants — she likes chains the best — so she’s not a foodie, and she doesn’t like alcohol including beer or wine), watching movies, and doing stuff like that.  

But here is the deal — not only does she never mention being active, she has a lot of extra weight on her and she can’t physically do the things some of these men want their partner to be able to do.  When she is thin, she’ll do some active things on occasion (weekend hike or bike ride), but she is not an athlete and she loses weight by restricting food with little to no exercise.  She says she’s curvy, and she is, but she is also a few extra lbs or maybe even a BBW.  And, speaking of pictures, they are all outdated and are of when she was thinner and younger. 

She is attracting men I would like to attract.  Well, some are super metro (she likes that) and some are douchebaggy (she likes that, too) but some are right up my alley in both the way they look, what they are looking for in a mate, and what they have to offer.  It doesn’t make me mad, it’s just difficult to swallow sometimes, when I’m getting the majority of my emails from fat hicks, suburbanites from hell, and in general, weirdos.  The best emails are from Regular Joes, usually no one special, so I give them a chance and am often disappointed. 

You’re probably asking, 1. Why doesn’t she have newer photos or change her profile from curvy to something more appropriate? and 2. What happens after they meet?  Well, like most of us (I have been there, too) who are overweight, we don’t always see ourselves the same way we are seen by others or maybe we don’t want to admit it because it’s just easier to lie.  I don’t know.  But that’s her deal.  I’ve tried suggesting new photos, but she won’t bite.  What happens after they meet is that she is either used or they never call her to ask her out.  This is what makes us talk about the weight and the need for newer photos.  Again, that’s her deal, I’m just there to listen and give advice, if she asks for it.

But, this isn’t about her and her problems . . .

This is about men and how true it is that they just look at the pictures and nothing else really matters when it comes to online dating.  And, if it does, these guys are usually single.  My FWB wants a really pretty girl PLUS a bunch of other, very pin-pointed things (like she has to have an advanced degree in only one specific area, and she can’t have a dog, can’t ever have been married, and the list goes on) and he’ll never find it because he’s unwilling to budge, or he will but she won’t like him back.  Bottom line is, when it comes to online dating, if you’re really pretty and/or photogenic, you win.  If you’re average and/or unphotogenic, you lose, even if you have everything else going for you that they say they want and you’re not even ugly.  I know these men are often bit in the ass because they think they are getting one thing, but they get another.  They are so image-minded that they forget about the truly important stuff.  I know it is what it is, but it’s frustrating, to say the least, especially because I’m not ugly.  But I’m also not a head-turner, like my friend is.  I guess things are different for different people and this is what I’ve been dealt, so I deal with it.

It’s hard to be fat when you’re online dating

I’m fat.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m kinda fat. I’m not obese. Technically speaking, I’m smaller than average.  But, average these days is generally no better than fat because most of us (in the US) are on that cusp.  I’m also short and pear-shaped so I look dumpy. While I’m often dressed in heels and any type of bottoms that make me look longer and leaner, it’s just not practical everyday wear, especially in a town where people buy the bulk of their clothes at REI or Lucy. So, I can’t pull it off every day, or more importantly (for the sake of this blog), for every date.

I’m in a weird place and I’m never sure where I belong as far as body descriptions go. I’m really an average/athletic woman in a chubby woman’s body. I’m slowly but surely losing the extra weight and toning up after my four-year hiatus from any type of exercise. All I did for those four miserable years with the Ex was work (a lot), try to get some sleep (never did), take care of his kids and stress out (on a daily basis, if not more).  Top that with cooking (and eating) several large meals each week, and here I am.  Despite the extra weight, I’m no lazy slug and I don’t sit around eating gallons of ice cream and bags of chips in front of the television. I live the lifestyle of a thinner person – my fat just hasn’t gotten with the program and scrammed yet. I gained 25 lbs and I have 15 left to lose. It doesn’t seem like much, but when you’re short and pear-shaped, it can be quite a bit, plus it comes off really slow and I lost all of my muscle tone.

This makes online dating difficult.

Am I supposed to base my body type on what I think it is, what I think most men will think, what my doctor tells me or by media standards?  If a guy sees that I’m not ‘slender’ or ‘athletic and toned’ in my description, it’s highly likely that he will not read my profile to see that I’m active and working really hard to get back in shape, and that I’m really not a ‘BBW’ in denial.  I’m attracted to men who live a similar lifestyle to mine, so they are in good or decent shape. I’m not talking gym-rats or Abercrombie models, just regular guys who are healthy, athletic and active. I would be OK with a man who has ‘a few extra lbs’ but those guys are generally at least 30 lbs overweight (in my experience) or, if they are working on it (and truly just a few extra lbs over) they date thinner women because women in general are not as particular about body style. Basically, that leaves me with fat guys and active men who like chubby girls (ha!).

So, what am I then?

After thinking about it way too much, I decided to describe my body type as ‘curvy’.  I felt that it was an OK way to communicate that I have some meat on my bones in a feminine way.  That would be ‘curvy’, right?  Maybe, but not so much and it depends on who you ask.  Upon further research, I have found that ‘curvy’ really means slender with a big ass and large boobs.  I’ve got the ass part down . . . but I think I need a new body description.

My options via Match are:

• Slender: This is not me, and probably never will be.  This, to me, is skinny.  It could even be skinny-fat.
• Big and Beautiful: When I hear BBW, I think of fairly large women who spend a lot of time and money on clothes, hair and make-up.  Like an overweight beauty queen.  Not me.
• Curvy: We covered this one.
• About Average:  Like ‘a little big pregnant’?  WTF?  Also, average is a size 14 and most men call that fat.
• Athletic and Toned: I think this one is self-explanatory.  And, it’s not me either.
• Full-figured: Wouldn’t this also be ‘curvy’?  What’s the difference? You have a figure, and it’s full.
• Heavyset:  What’s the difference between this and ‘full-figured’ or ‘curvy’?  Does it mean you’re overweight, but without womanly curves?  Is this the biggest of the bunch?
• A few extra lbs: I am wondering if this might be me?  But, a few is 3 . . . so perhaps not quite accurate either?
• Stocky: Hmmm . . . does this mean a manly build?

Why bring this up now, three months into my online dating adventure? 

When I was first dating, after my recent break-up, and was heavier, I didn’t really care what anyone thought or whether or not I was successful. I hadn’t put any effort into my body over the past four years, so why should it bother me if someone regarded me as too heavy?  Plus, I just wanted to get out.  I was transitioning from a full-time family to just me and didn’t have a lot going on.  It gave me something to do, something to focus on besides the shit-storm which was my life at the time.  There was a part of me that felt confident.  I’d just started working out again, which felt good, and I’d left my Ex which made me feel great in many ways, too.  Ironically, I had more success in this stage of dating.

Now that I’m working out and losing weight, it bothers me quite a bit to have someone judge me based on my body.  I’m getting up at 4:30AM three days per week to work out.  In addition to that, I have a long run every Saturday morning at 8AM with my running group.  And, don’t forget my 20 – 30 minute evening runs at least four nights per week, too.  No booze and I’m counting calories.  So, yeah, I’m kinda sensitive about my weight right now because I’m working my ass off (literally!).  I feel good, but I am not where I once was, so unlike someone losing weight and getting into shape for the first time, I know I have a ways to go before I’m going to be happy with myself, and my confidence won’t kick in again until I fit into the size 4/6 clothes gathering dust in my closet.

It’s like this . . .  If you slap together a peanut butter sandwich for someone and they don’t like it, it’s no biggie.  But, if you slave over a hot stove all fucking day long, and this person turns their nose up at it, you’re going to be pissed and highly offended.  Am I right?

So, where does this leave me?

My gut says to put myself in a category that is worst-case scenario.  That way, if someone meets me they could say, “I wouldn’t consider you ‘a few lbs extra’, you look ‘about average’ to me”.  But then, there is the issue of never being asked out by the type of man I’d like to spend some time with.  It’s a double-edged sword, and perhaps this is where contacting men instead of waiting for them to contact me would be a smart move.

Online dating is hard.

In conclusion, online dating is just plain hard, especially if you’re imperfect, unphotogenic or human.