It figures

My BFF is going through some similar experiences as I am when it comes to men. She has some decent guys in her life who want nothing more from her than sex and companionship, usually on their terms. They are good-looking, successful men. Like the men in my life as of late, they are too busy and think they can do better. When they find someone “better” it lasts a short period because they were looking for the wrong things. Then they call us to make it all better again.

It’s much easier to see her situation than my own because, well, it’s not mine. When she tells a FWB she has feelings for him and hears that he likes her but doesn’t want to date, what she hears is that he wants to date her in the future. She doesn’t hear the truth: you’re not important enough for me to make time for and I want to keep my options open and find someone better. So, she allows things to keep going for fear of losing him before he’s ready to date her. And, it never happens that way.

I have done the same thing with Cutie. I listened to him tell me how he doesn’t want to date, he’s too busy to date, he doesn’t want monagamy, etc. and then he dropped me like a hot potato when he found someone he liked only to come crying back to me when it ended six weeks later. With my Original FWB, I did the right thing and said that I liked him and a FWB relationship would not work for me. We are not dating and we haven’t discussed it at all, but he no longer uses me and things are different between us. He respects me, treats me well, and contacts me much more often than when we were FWBs. I think Cutie is doing the slow fade, but if seeing each other comes up, I’m done with it. I deserve better and I want better.

I want someone who I don’t have to ask to have a relationship with me. Someone I don’t have to remind I exist. Someone who doesn’t contact me only when he wants something from me. Someone who isn’t too busy for me. Someone who thinks I’m special and isn’t looking for someone better. I don’t want to question it. I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to wait around for it. I don’t want to have to ask. I certainly don’t want to beg, wish, and make myself feel bad for trying. I don’t want to question why someone doesn’t like me when I treat them the way anyone would want to be treated.

So, as I’m thinking this and my feelings are solidifying, I went back onto OKCupid. I look at the account when I get a message. That’s it. I don’t get many messages these days. Because I don’t think much about it and I kinda like being single, I stopped poring over profiles and inspecting the men who message me. I don’t have a lot of time for it, either. I look at the photo, read the important stuff, then scan the write-up. If he’s not ugly or fat, if he doesn’t have facial hair or a bunch of kids, if he doesn’t smoke, if he’s single, if he’s just normal and doesn’t seem stupid, I usually respond. Before we meet I don’t even look at the profile again. We are strangers meeting for the first time and I don’t pretend it’s anything different.

The Jesus Freak guy from the other night was obviously a no-go. But last night I went out with a guy who seemed . . . fine. I was in his area for a family thing so figured, why not? We met and I was pleasantly surprised. He was also very sweet. He was normal. He was thoughtful. He was complimentary. He was smart. He was honest. He wasn’t as sexy or handsome or charming as Cutie. He wasn’t as smart or young or successful as my Original FWB. But there was no doubt that he likes me. He showed it, he said it. and he followed-up with me this morning to make sure I knew it.

So, why am I not satisfied? Why am I wondering why it couldn’t be Cutie? Why am I suddenly thinking that I’m too busy with the new job and the new house to deal with this? Why am I finding reasons not to like him? Why do I want someone who is not only  unavailable but who doesn’t even have feelings for me or treat me the same way that I treat him? Why do I want someone who doesn’t appreciate me? Or someone who uses me? Who in their right mind would choose to be with someone like that?

No reason to struggle at the moment, I suppose. But I do question my sanity and emotional health over this type of thing. I know I’m not the only one who is attracted to unavailable men or the only one who always believes that the grass is green on the other side. I know I want something healthy. But am I just as picky as the men I talk about on my blog? Am I just as reluctant to be in a relationship and fearful of something that might actually work? And if so . . . why?

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Melancholy

Things are going pretty well in my life. Really, I can’t complain. New job. New house. I’ve got great health. Even though I’ve let life take over and neglected the eating right and exercising part, I still look better than I did when I began this journey. I’ve got a great dog. My BFF is fabulous. I want for nothing, really.

That being said, now that everything has calmed down a bit and the excitement of all this stuff has worn off, I’m feeling sad because I don’t have anyone to share it with. Sure, I have my friends, but . . . it’s different. When I get the keys to my new house, I will be alone. After the first day on the new job I won’t have anyone at home waiting to take me to dinner so that I can tell him all about it. Even though my relationships have obviously never been fantastic, there was at least someone there for me, someone who cared, someone to share these things with.

Tomorrow I have a family event and Sunday I have a friend visiting from out of town for the day. After she leaves I’m meeting my BFF for dinner. Next week I have a dinner with the old lady next door and lunch with my coworkers. Over the weekend, so far I have a hike planned with a girlfriend. And that’s just what I have planned at the moment. So, why is it that I feel so alone?

I can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with me because no one is interested in dating me. It’s one thing to always have been single, and I have friends my age who are in that boat, but that’s not me and I’m still getting used to this way of life. It’s hard. And it makes me realize that you need to be there for people and you need to ask them to be there for you, too, because when you’re not in a relationship you don’t have a built-in support group. As long as your relationship isn’t horrific, it’s comforting having someone there, someone to talk to, someone to touch when you want to. I could use a hug right now and if I were living with The Ex, I could just go to him and hug him. He would hug me back. Yes, he’s an SOB, but it still felt good to have that comfort any time. I guess I’ll just go and hug my dog . . .

I finally heard from Cutie. I think the ship has sailed as far as he is concerned. He’s gotten what he wants from me and now it’s time to move on, I suppose. The situation with him has made me think twice about FWB relationships. I’m not someone who has disposable friends. I usually keep my friends forever. Sometimes we lose touch for a bit, but if they ever needed me, I would be there. I take friendship seriously. Perhaps that is problem. I come across as someone with a tough exterior, but inside I’m actually quite sensitive and I’m easily hurt. I care very deeply about others. Perhaps too much. Maybe that is why I’m so guarded.

I’m going to try hard to be happy for me during this time and make the best of it. Perhaps when things start happening and it is more excitement than stress, it will get better.

Hello, September

Summer is long gone, so it seems. Boy, that was over fast.

My new job begins in two weeks. I close on the house (still in progress — so fingers crossed!) in less than a month.

To help with my finances when it comes to this house buying ordeal, which is a huge pain in my ass by the way, I sold my engagement ring and matching wedding band on eBay. It was hard to part with, not because of who bought it for me, but because I really liked them. They were my dream wedding set. But, maybe it was also the letting go part. Letting go of one chapter and moving onto the next. It’s been all kinds of scary lately, let me tell you.

The thought of a new job, new people, and a new commute is scary. As is the thought of a new neighborhood, new home, new lifestyle. I will have weeds to pull and grass to mow, and I can’t call the nice maintenance folks when something breaks. It can be overwhelming at times but never once have a asked myself if this is the right thing to do. It is.

Cutie is MIA and I haven’t reached out to him. Nor do I plan on it.

I never did get around to deleting my OKCupid account and I ended up getting a message from a guy that seemed nice and not ugly. We’re meeting for a drink tonight.

Feeling like a grown-up

Maybe it’s because I’m the youngest child. Or perhaps it’s due to my emotional immaturity (self-diagnosed). Or, maybe, I’m just young at heart. I’ve never felt like a grown-up or someone fully capable of taking care of herself. I have been taking care of myself since I was 17, but usually with boyfriends, so I was never truly independent. I think The Ex prepared me for independence. Even though I had him to lean on if I needed to, I know I couldn’t lean on him without feeling his wrath or being reminded that I owed him. I was definitely the adult in that relationship. Over the past year, I haven’t had a life raft. I’ve grown because of it.

I’m thinking of the future. I’m thinking of where I want to be and what I want to do. I’m envisioning my future life and how I want it to be. What is important to me and what is not. What makes me happy and what doesn’t make a difference. Over the past year, I’ve been working on reconnecting with friends, old and new. I have made an effort to get fit, body and soul. I’ve been getting to know me.

When I took the job I currently have, my goal was to make more money in less time. I didn’t want to work too hard, just my 40-hour day. I had to focus on the relationship with The Ex and his kids, the house, and well, that’s about it. I couldn’t do all of that plus have a demanding job. So, I took a position that doesn’t require me to go above and beyond. It just happens to pay a decent salary to sit at a desk and write. I stay below the radar and because my regular work keeps me busy, I am rarely asked to do anything else. Perfect for someone who wants to give as little as possible.

I’ve been looking for a new job for about eight months. I have gotten close, but never made the final cut as in being offered the job. I am always a top candidate, which is great, but sure is a waste of time! I was offered a position and for several reasons, it ended up not happening. It was a blessing in disguise as it was the same job for the same type of company, just with managerial duties. I would get paid handsomely for overtime which is unheard of in a professional and managerial position, but that meant, you guessed it, working a lot of overtime. I am happy to do it when I need to, but I don’t like to be expected to because I do have a life outside of work. I also wasn’t thrilled with the people I would be working with.

As things with that position were falling apart, I learned a great deal about what I’d done wrong and what I really wanted out of a career. I landed an interview with another firm. I only interviewed for the position because I was scared to death that my current job would catch wind of the standing offer and the issues surrounding that offer and let me go. This was my crazy paranoia a few weeks ago. I sort-of padded my resume and this company does a very thorough background check. Very. It’s the same resume (obviously with updates) that I’ve been using for 15 years and this was the first time in six different jobs/companies that it has ever been an issue.

So, I went into the interview with this fear and paranoia as well as swearing never, ever to do what I’d done again and was 100% honest with my interviewers for the first time in 15 years. The issue came up in my first interview, it came up in my second interview, and it came up in my peer lunch. Yes, it was uncomfortable. But, I got through it and turns out it wasn’t such a big deal because I was offered the position this week.

Turns out, this job I interviewed for because I thought I was desperate was an amazing opportunity with some amazing people. The chemistry with my future boss and coworkers was great and their feelings toward me were off the charts. It’s similar to what I’m doing now, but different, and definitely bigger. It’s a grown-up position and I even have a corner office with a window! I can thrive here. I can make a lot of money here. And, I have a feeling I will be here for a long time.

Not only am I starting a new job, but I’m in the process of closing on a house. What a nightmare! Even though this house is supposed to be an investment and a rental in five years, I am not sure I ever want to go through the pain and suffering of purchasing a house again. I won’t go into detail and bore you all to death. I still have a long way to go before it’s a done deal. I will say, if anything makes you feel like a bonafide adult, it’s purchasing a home. Especially when it’s 100% on your own.

I put my profile up on OKCupid again. I don’t know why. I guess I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something, even if it’s just a passive attempt. My Original FWB is not moving (maybe I mentioned this before?) but we are just friends, and kinda good friends even though he can really annoy the piss out of me sometimes. Overall, he’s a good person.

So, what about Cutie?

This is super busy season for him at work so we aren’t in touch as much as usual. We check in from time-to-time. Last week was insane but we’d made plans to see each other on Friday night. I told him if he was too tired to let me know and I would understand. He said that even if he was too tired, he just wanted to see me. He sent me several “I miss you” texts and was not sexual at all. He mostly felt sorry for himself and wanted me to “poor baby” him, which I have discovered he really likes. He came over on Friday around 9pm straight from work and I got pizza for him. He was too tired for sex but we managed a quickie before eating. We ate, then he fell asleep. I was up all night being sweated on, listening to him snore and talk in his sleep, and generally being uncomfortable. I’m not used to sleeping next to someone anymore.

Cutie was more affectionate than usual, even though he’s always affectionate. But, what he really wanted was attention. I gave it to him by rubbing his head, his back, stroking his chest, telling him he works too hard, etc., and while I was happy to do so, it felt weird because I’m not his girlfriend or anyone special. And it hit me that Cutie, as nice as he is to me, uses me. In some ways, I guess that is the arrangement that we have. But the problem is that I don’t use him. I enjoy him, but I don’t use him. I don’t only contact him when I’m in need, like he does to me, it’s always about him. He dictates when we will see each other and he dictates the mood. His pattern is that he contacts me when it’s convenient for him. I’m there for him always: when he’s lonely, tired, sick, horny, bored, or in need of an ego boost. When he has a girlfriend, when he’s busy, when he’s happy, when he’s fulfilled, I don’t exist, but I am the first person he’s in touch with when he’s single again and when he needs me.

I think I deserve better and you know what? I would give anything to have someone in my life who cares about me the way I care about Cutie. To have someone who is there for me. To have someone who’s relationship with me isn’t entirely self-motivated, selfish, or whatever the word is I’m looking for. I don’t know if this is just Cutie, and why he’s been single for six years other than two relationships that have lasted a few months, or if this is just Cutie with me, taking what he can get from someone willing to give but who doesn’t ask for anything. Again, he’s not a jerk and he’s not doing anything I am not allowing him to do. This is all on me.

I keep reminding myself about what happened with my Original FWB. It used to be the same way, but when I put my foot down, even though we no longer sleep together, things changed for the better. I stopped allowing him to use me and he started to respect me and treat me like a human being rather than a blow-up doll. Again, he was never a jerk or rude, but I don’t think he ever really cared until now.

In my mind I have a conversation with Cutie about this, but I just don’t know what to say, and I hate the thought of not being with him anymore. We would stay friends, loosely anyway, but things would be different. I guess I will take it day-by-day and figure things out as I go.

So, wow . . .

The events over the past couple of weeks have told me one thing: to get my shit together!

I have a bad habit of letting things go, allowing it to snowball, and then finding myself not on the ball when I need to be. I don’t know if it’s laziness or a touch of depression that makes me do it, but it doesn’t matter.

Since my situation, yes, I still carry some paranoia with me, but overall, I’m on the right track. It may or may not bite my in the ass. I don’t know, and frankly at this point there is nothing I can do about it but prepare. I can’t let it darken my days and nights.

Big happenings:

  • I finally finished my 2011 taxes. It was stupid to wait considering I owed nothing. In fact, I received a $2 return!
  • Though I currently own a house with my ex, I’m looking to purchase another one for myself. I thought that having a mortgage would not allow it and now I’m finding out that there might be a way around it. I discovered that I could purchase a small home for as much as I spend on rent so it would be stupid not to go for it.
  • I’m ready to grow as a professional and have enrolled myself back in school. There will be student loans and a lack of free time due to studying, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
  • I’m definitely not dating. I’m not even perusing Craigslist for fun. I have zero interest at the moment.
  • I’m putting together a warm, beachy vacation for myself for my next birthday.
  • I have a second interview tomorrow for a job I really want.
  • My Original FWB and I are definitely just in the friend zone. And now he’s moving away. But, it’s OK, at least we’ve established our friendship.
  • I’m slowly weaning myself from Cutie. We’ve both been so busy as of late and my mind hasn’t been on sex because of everything else. I still care for him deeply and we’re still chatting at least once a week either texting or talking on the phone. I think we’d make a terrific couple (maybe?), but I’ve given up on ever being with someone when it makes sense. I’ve learned that people only date when the first time they’ve met is all chemistry regardless of the reality of the relationship. So, fuck it!
  • I’ve finally realized that there is a good chance that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve never even considered this before because no one in my family is single or has been single for more than a year between relationships. I’ve never been single. This is the first time since highschool that I have gone more than six months without being in a relationship. Part of me kinda likes it and part of me is scared shitless for the future. I never thought I’d have someone to pay my way, but someone there to help me if I need it, catch me if I fall, be there for me in illness or if I lost my job, someone to come home to every night, and someone to be there for the good times, too.

Yep, still waiting

I’m still waiting for it to come down on me. The anxiety comes and goes at this point. I mean, there’s really no reason to be anxious. It’s going to happen, and then I’m going to be screwed. The best course of action I can take is to keep going, to not press the pause button on life, to move forward and put myself back in the driver’s seat. And, of course, to learn from my mistake and definitely not repeat it. You’re all sick of this shit, sick of hearing about it, but I haven’t told a soul so this is where it has to come out. When it’s all said and done I might share more. I don’t know yet.

I’m so busy and so tired with my new schedule that men, dating, and even sex to a certain degree, are not on my mind much. Focusing on myself, on something I can control and see progress in, is so much more satisfying to me than focusing on the unknown. It’s really where I need to be right now.

But, this situation I’m in? It has provided me with some valuable lessons. I’m not sure what’s in store later this week, but I know I’m losing out on a valuable opportunity because of a bad choice and all of the things that were supposed to come with that are now gone. All of that hard work, for nothing. I’ve destroyed someone’s trust in me and disappointed people. And that hurts. But so far I’ve learned that I should never do anything I feel ashamed of. If someone finds out and I’m a little embarrassed, that’s fine. But shame and fear should drive me away from those options. I also need to live less in the moment and look out for my future. I’m a bit of a free spirit at times and tend to forget consequences. And this brings me full-circle to my love life as well, and Cutie. I need to re-evaluate and consider whether or not this relationship is actually bringing anything positive into my life. I’ve really got to work on getting rid of the negative and focusing on the positive. Once this is all over, I’ve got to make things right with myself.

So much stuff . . .

There is so much going on in my life.

I’ve been making a concerted effort to improve my life, myself, and get to a good place. I’m succeeding. I’m doing all of the things I said I would do including changing my sleeping habits, working out, eating better, and focusing on the good rather than the bad. In turn, I am more focused at work, I don’t feel like eating poorly, I’m not wrapped up in stupid shit, and I have an abundance of energy.

Before when I was busy like this, I thought I was avoiding “life” as in staying so busy as to have an excuse not to date or think about my faults. But really, being busy is the secret to being happy. When you’re not busy and you’re eating, surfing the ‘net, watching TV, online dating, thinking too much, being bored, being unsatisfied with life, that can lead to depression. There is a balance, yes, and I am balanced.

I had my final online date (and possibly my final date ever) for 2012 last night. The guy was very sweet. He’s down to earth, funny, and seems like a good person. He has a good job and all that as well. He’s kinda cute, but certainly not hot. His personality is sweet and a little awkward. I wouldn’t call him charming or sexy at all, but he’s kind and thoughtful. He’s also a bit of a hick, a country boy, maybe even a republican. He’s probably the type of guy that a girl should date. I haven’t heard from him. And I don’t know that I would go out with him again. Not necessarily because of him, but because I’m more interested in me right now.

Later today I’m meeting with a company that offered me a job earlier this week. I have a lot of questions and wanted to negotiate on my salary. I fired off an email early this morning and received a lunch offer to go over everything. They have been courting me for seven months and a lot has changed since then — the position, the salary, the company — so it needs to be discussed.

My BFF is pissed at me and is being passive-aggressive about it. I guess I said something that hurt her feelings and she won’t tell me what it was. She’s tired, cranky, and burnt out. She took a job that required a lot of work with no time off, but with the potential to earn a lot of money. A sales position. I understand her want to rake in the cash, and of course it’s a necessity, but it’s already affecting her negatively. No time to eat right, exercise, sleep, see friends or family, clean, etc. She’s tired, complaining all the time, glued to her work phone, busy, and all she talks about is money. It’s a way of life I will never understand. Perhaps some space is best right now.