Relationship ready?

Without thinking about it too much, I just noticed yesterday that my OKCupid profile has slowly evolved from “Men? Don’t need ’em, don’t really want ’em!” to “I know what I’m looking for, I know what I have to offer, and I’m ready to put myself out there.” I’ve been turned off by profiles that state that they are “still trying to figure things out”, they “aren’t sure they want anything long-term”, and “they’re not ready to jump into anything.” Not that I condone jumping or going long-term with someone you’ve just met, but this all screams emotionally unavailable to me.

I know I am emotionally unavailable to a degree, but I am making a huge effort not to be. Huge! I read this and this, and I am heeding the advice because I do want to be an emotionally available person in an emotionally healthy relationship. Now, probably because I’m so focused on being emotionally available and emotionally healthy, I’ll likely screw up some things dating-wise, but it’s a start in the right direction. I know that I will feel sad, scared, disappointed, emotionally unavailable, unsure, and weirded-out at times, but then I’ll realize it’s normal and not all my fault and try to move on by dusting myself off and getting back on the horse (oh, and how I hope he will be as endowed as one, too!).

How did I come to this realization? I guess it was through my conversations with Cutie when I, under a PMS haze, told him had feelings for him. We discussed me and what I want and he made me realize that I had determined what I was looking for, and that it was good: Someone I could be myself around, who didn’t judge me, someone I could trust. Since then, I’ve felt more confident that perhaps I’m ready or at least ready to open myself up to love.

I had a date with Runner last night. I fully expected a meal at his place, but we met downtown for a later dinner instead and I knew that meant no sex. I was pretty late but he was cool about it. When I arrived he was standing inside and without thinking I gave him a sweet kiss hello. We usually share an awkward hug and a New Jersey-like kiss on the cheek, like old friends. This time it was different and I really think it set the stage for a great evening.

Runner brought me a thoughtful gift from his travels and we had a nice visit. He even held my hand across the table. He told me that he really likes me. I, of course, became incredibly awkward and probably red in the face, and didn’t say much. Probably just sat there with a stupid smile and mumbled a few things. God, I’m horrible at that stuff. 

When the restaurant closed he said that the night didn’t have to be over and we decided to have a drink a few doors down. We spent more time talking and touching. We talked about things that were a little deeper this time, and I think it helped us bond. At one point I was listening to him talk about how he’s figuring things out as far as trying to learn how to pick the right partner and how he’s trying to do things differently this time around. It sounded eerily familiar. I really felt like I’d grown when I told him that my advice was to just be genuine. To not try to be this or that, or look for this or that. I said he should be himself and once he finds someone he can be himself around, without feeling judged, taken advantage of, etc. that’s when he will know he’s found the right person. I think that’s pretty good advice and I felt really good saying it.

When it was time to call it a night around midnight, he walked me to my car and we made out for about 30 minutes inside. It was all very PG-13. He didn’t even touch my boob. He said he wanted to see me again when he came back from his upcoming trip. I said yes, and then we parted ways. He texted me good-night when he got home and we texted just a little today, mostly about how tired were both are because we didn’t get home until 1AM, but how much it was worth seeing each other.

I’m not convinced that Runner is ready for a relationship. I know he is doing a lot of dating and he is on OKCupid a lot. If he likes me that much, he will want to see me exclusively and he’ll tell me. I’m not bringing it up and I’m letting him keep his space while maintaining mine. I believe that taking things slow is ideal, and it’s what we’ve been doing, but I do wonder why it’s been this slow? I do realize he might not be emotionally available and obviously, that’s what I need. So, I’m prepared to call it quits if being with him means that I can’t have the healthy, happy relationship I want and frankly, deserve.

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Third date – no sex

Runner and I met for dinner last night at a lovely Peruvian restaurant. I had a feeling that this was going to be the date where he offers to cook for me at his place (aka, get in my pants) and I wasn’t ready for that. While I did shave my legs before the date and I wore matching underwear, I also told him I had to be downtown for work that evening (lie) so that hopefully I would guide him into just meeting there. During dinner he told me that he was going to ask me to come to his place for dinner but didn’t think I was ready for that yet, and since I was going to be downtown anyway . . . Can you tell I’ve been dating for a long time or what? I skirted the issue and the conversation.

We were a little more playful than normal over dinner even though I was really tired and he seemed to be as well. After dinner he walked me to my car and we spent a lot of time kissing and flirting. He’s a good kisser. We were totally exposed on a busy street-corner but I was really lost in the moment. 

He travels quite a bit over the next few weeks and asked to see me again before he leaves this weekend. I’m going to say yes and I have a feeling sex is going to be involved this time.

The honeymoon is over with Cutie, it seems. Either that or I’m going through a phase. He’s been busy with work as it’s high-season for his industry. He makes an effort, I know that. But, there’s just something about being wanted for blowjobs and pussy versus liking me as a human being and having an interest in me besides fucking. I won’t hear from him for a day or two and then I’ll get a text about him being horny and wanting my lips around his cock. I don’t want a relationship, but a nice, “Hey, how are you? How was your weekend?” before diving into the sex talk would be a bigger turn-on for me. 

I don’t know why it bugs me so much. Is it because it’s too easy? Is it because I don’t want to feel used? Is it because I’m a woman? Or am I being emotional? Either way, I just haven’t been answering Cutie’s texts because I don’t know what to say to him right now and it’s easier to avoid it all together. I think he’s been clued in on the fact that I have feelings for him, but that’s just a hunch I have. We seem to both talk in circles at times when we’re together.

Distracted

I find myself thinking more and more about Cutie and Runner. Pretty much all the time, actually. And this is weird for me. It’s rare that I actually like someone and liking two someones is unprecedented. I’m not one to have many crushes or unrequited loves. What happens is that someone likes me, I’m totally clueless, they ask me out, I’m surprised, I say, “yeah, sure”, and then sometimes I find that I like them, too.

I don’t see myself as an attractive, charming woman that men want to ask out. I feel, not unattractive, but just “there.” I’m often told that I’m aloof and that I seem uninterested and unapproachable. I guess it’s true. Partly because I am not thinking about it/most men “in that way” and partly because I’m always careful to not show my sexuality because, I will be honest, I don’t feel entirely “normal” in that regard and I think that if people knew they would think poorly of me. I’m also guarded in new situations because I’m afraid of feeling vulnerable.

With Cutie, I feel in control because of the nature of our relationship. And I feel safe because we are both freaks and we don’t judge. I struggle to understand it sometimes. I know that, as a man, if he wanted something more with me he would tell me so. At this point, being that I’m so uncomfortable at the mere thought of a relationship, I do not feel the need to make a decision. It doesn’t hurt me to spend time with him and I enjoy myself with him very much. There is no reason to go big or go home. My feelings for him are strong but different, good, happy. Not vulnerable. Not scary. Just . . . positive. I’d rather have him as I have him now than not at all.

Runner and I are just starting to get things off the ground. I don’t think that we’ll be rushing into anything. I know he likes me, but frankly, for all I know he could be dating a dozen other girls and perhaps he’ll pick one of them instead. Perhaps he will sleep with me and then decide I’m not what he wants. Or, maybe we’ll get to know one another and it won’t be a good match. Still, I am loving getting to know him and it is nice to feel valued for more than my critically acclaimed blow job skills. Not that Cutie doesn’t think I’m smart, sweet, kind, etc., and not that he isn’t interested in me as a person, because he is, or at least he acts like he is (and this would make him a very good actor), but I think that if I cut Cutie off, that would be it for us.

Anyway, with Runner I think about possibilities, the future (not as in marriage), and I feel vulnerable. I’m not myself with him. I’m guarded. I don’t want him to find out about my sexuality, assume I’m damaged or “bad” or “dirty” and I watch what I say, how I say it, what I do so I don’t make him not like me anymore. I’m also a little intimidated. It’s been a long time since I’ve dated someone so successful, smart, ambitious, and talented. I’m getting ahead of myself, I know, but this is me in relationships. I am not playing games (should I text him? should I not? OMG!!!) and I’m trying really hard to just be me.

If I’ve learned anything over the many years of dating and relationships, it’s that I really want my next partner to know the real me, to appreciate the real me, to love the real me, to want the real me, and to not judge the real me. I guess this is why I’m so attracted to Cutie. He knows and he likes. I know and I like. No pretending, no faking, no judging, no worrying, just . . . being, loving, living, laughing, freedom.

Date, date, sex

Runner and I met at the movie theater on Friday night, along with every tween girl within 10 miles of the place. He was sweet to me, such a gentleman. There was no talking or touching, just some occasional looks when something weird or funny happened. After the movie he asked if I wanted to get something to eat and since I was starving I said yes. We walked to a few restaurants nearby and he let me pick. We closed the place down . . . again. The conversation is never dry or belabored. Though it’s not deep, either. I think it’s just right for two people getting to know one another.

When we were kicked out of the restaurant he walked me to my car. I had forgotten my coat at work so he insisted on placing his on my shoulders while he froze during our long trek through the parking lot. Once we arrived at my car, we started to say our good-nights (always awkward!) and before I was able to take his jacket off and give it to him, he grabbed the lapels and gently pulled me closer for a kiss. It wasn’t a big, sloppy “I want to fuck you right now” kiss, but a sweet and semi-sexy kiss. About 20 minutes later I received a very sweet good-night text from him and in the morning an email about how much we seemed to have in common and how much he was enjoying getting to know me. It almost felt like a sales pitch. Nonetheless, it was a very nice note.

He is well aware of my want to take things slow and let it develop naturally. He seems to respect my wishes and tries not to smother me, even though he wants to see me or reach out more often. I appreciate him wanting to abide by my wishes and taking my feelings into account. I’m trying not to be too aloof or too unavailable. I’m just trying to be me but not seem uninterested. I am interested, I just need to take things slowly.

I didn’t sleep well on Friday night even though I got home super late. I was up early the next day working out, running errands, and just trying to get things done. I met a guy that I’d been chatting with on OKCupid. He was really nice but his emails were really long. He seemed smart, kind, normal, so I thought I’d give it a chance. We met for lunch and he was really awkward. He was not as attractive as in his photos. And, the thing that I liked the least about him was that he had bug eyes. He always look surprised or crazy. His voice was shaky and he seemed really nervous the entire time. Conversation was OK but uninteresting. I was tired. He walked me to my car and we hugged good-bye. He emailed me this morning to ask me out again. I’m going to have to tell him no.

After I came home, exhausted, I decided to walk the dog who I’ve been neglecting a little over the past week with my work and social schedule. While on my walk, Cutie texted me. He ended up coming over at 8:00. He stayed the night and we had sex for hours then woke each other up three times during the night for more. I feel like a zombie. I’ve never had such great sex in my life. It’s not that his technique is that much better than anyone else’s, but our relationship is so open and honest. There is a comfort level there that is amazing. We have chemistry, but not the instant kind that knocks you off your feet – this is more authentic (or something). After my break-up with the Ex and I was spending a lot of time with my BFF, we’d talk about what we were looking for, or not looking for, and I remember once telling her that my ideal relationship would be as easy as our friendship. We would both be able to be ourselves, there would be no games, if one of us became upset with the other person it wouldn’t be a big deal, we’d trust each other, we wouldn’t judge one another, and we’d laugh a lot. I also wanted a relationship where I didn’t feel blinded by love, one where I could see clearly, something that developed over time. Clearly, Cutie is not my best friend, but things are shaping up to be easy and wonderful, like I wanted in a mate. Which is both good and bad.

My BFF says I have the best of both worlds right now. I have a man I’m dating who I go out with and is very nice and sweet to me, who wants to get to know me outside the bedroom and take things from there. And I have great, uncomplicated sex with a guy I have incredible chemistry with, plus a unique closeness that I haven’t shared with anyone before. I know I’m jumping ahead a bit, but I’m afraid that this might end up in an uncomfortable situation where I have to have conversations I don’t want to have. Or where I have to choose and the one I want won’t want me back. I’m going to try to have fun with this and let things happen, let the cards fall wherever they may.

I had two additional dates this weekend but I can’t do it. I need some alone time, sleep, and have a lot to do. So, I postponed.

So, I had a ‘real’ date

Yesterday morning I received a text from the guy I met for coffee a couple weeks ago telling me that it was his first free day in a long time and wanted to take me to dinner. I was supposed to meet with a potential FWB but decided to move that date (he was fine with it) and see this guy, who I will call Runner for what should be obvious reasons. We met for a late dinner at a nice, trendy, expensive restaurant. He’s funny, kind, smart, and athletic. He’s successful (very) and cultured. I felt comfortable with him in some ways, and uncomfortable in many ways. And, it wasn’t him. It was me.

We closed the place down and he walked me to my car. We awkwardly chatted and then hugged good-bye. He sent me a sweet text when he got home. And today asked me to see a movie with him this evening. My initial response was to be unavailable but in an effort to be authentic and not play games, since I don’t have plans, I said yes.

This real dating stuff is a lot harder than the FWB thing. I can’t hide behind my sexuality. I can’t pretend to be someone else. I care about what he thinks because it’s not like if there’s something he doesn’t like, he’s going to just blow it off and think, “Who cares, she’s just a piece of ass.” I feel like I have to watch what I say. I don’t want to be rejected.

Sundays, men, and lonliness

I decided to extend my “me time” this weekend and pretty much hang out alone today. I’ve been feeling a little solitary as of late. I don’t know why. Things have been shifting. My best friend has pretty much dumped me for her new boyfriend. The men in my life are not fulfilling to me as of late with their busy work schedules and being out of town. My job is . . . eh. I’ve been tired.

But, I’ve also been trying to spend time with different people and wanting something different in my life. I’m trying to branch out and find people more like me. Though I grew up here and went to college here, I moved away for many, many years, and I changed a lot. Not only am I a different person, but unlike most people my age, I do not have a husband or children. And I’m not a party girl. Even my BFF and I find ourselves at a crossroads as she and I seem to be going in different directions and have different priorities, goals, and hobbies. I’m having a hard time finding my place, I guess.

Being lonely is part of life, part of being an adult, and it’s going to happen to all of us at one time or another. I’ve learned that it can happen in and out of a relationship. Some of my lonliest days were spent in relationships. I guess I just have to get used to it, and perhaps use it to my advantage, somehow.

I write all of this after spending the day with my best friend yesterday (which was awkward, by the way), spending the day with a guy — the one I met last Sunday who I wasn’t sure about (also awkward — so obviously I’m sure I’m not interested now), and receiving several texts from friends, family, and men. For some reason I’m just not satisfied by this. Why? I don’t know. I think I miss a deeper connection, like the one I had with my BFF. There are very few people in my life who I can be 100% myself with and not feel judged.

Mr. Annoying texted me again this evening around 6:30. He wrote, “Come over.” He’s not this super sexy, charming guy, and we have no history as of yet. We dont have a thing. Frankly, it’s rude, and weird. I finally told him how I felt. He said, “Wow, never mind.” So, I think he’s gone and that’s a good thing, He was really rubbing me the wrong way.

So, what’s the point of this post? Just a rambling, I suppose. A strange weekend.

Sex with the lights on

My original FWB is back in town (and will not be moving, ever, so he says) and we decided to get together last night for a romp. It had been two months since the last time we saw one another and the last time he had sex. I know it sounds bad/selfish but I didn’t want to drive all the way to his place for a five-minute fuck. But, it just worked out that I’d go to him this time, so I sucked it up, and went. What the hell, right?

He was totally hot for me and it was so cute. Even though we’re the same age, he feels younger, I think because he’s less experienced sexually and has this boyish charm and excitement about having sex with me. Then, we had sex with the lights on. The entire time. At first, I was anxious to turn the lights off, and then I just went with it. And it was exhilerating. It’s the first time I’ve had lights on sex in years.

Surprisingly, he had good control and did not cum for a long time. And, as always, we had some good talks afterward and things were good, as they usually are.

I really adore all of “my” men right now.