It figures

My BFF is going through some similar experiences as I am when it comes to men. She has some decent guys in her life who want nothing more from her than sex and companionship, usually on their terms. They are good-looking, successful men. Like the men in my life as of late, they are too busy and think they can do better. When they find someone “better” it lasts a short period because they were looking for the wrong things. Then they call us to make it all better again.

It’s much easier to see her situation than my own because, well, it’s not mine. When she tells a FWB she has feelings for him and hears that he likes her but doesn’t want to date, what she hears is that he wants to date her in the future. She doesn’t hear the truth: you’re not important enough for me to make time for and I want to keep my options open and find someone better. So, she allows things to keep going for fear of losing him before he’s ready to date her. And, it never happens that way.

I have done the same thing with Cutie. I listened to him tell me how he doesn’t want to date, he’s too busy to date, he doesn’t want monagamy, etc. and then he dropped me like a hot potato when he found someone he liked only to come crying back to me when it ended six weeks later. With my Original FWB, I did the right thing and said that I liked him and a FWB relationship would not work for me. We are not dating and we haven’t discussed it at all, but he no longer uses me and things are different between us. He respects me, treats me well, and contacts me much more often than when we were FWBs. I think Cutie is doing the slow fade, but if seeing each other comes up, I’m done with it. I deserve better and I want better.

I want someone who I don’t have to ask to have a relationship with me. Someone I don’t have to remind I exist. Someone who doesn’t contact me only when he wants something from me. Someone who isn’t too busy for me. Someone who thinks I’m special and isn’t looking for someone better. I don’t want to question it. I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to wait around for it. I don’t want to have to ask. I certainly don’t want to beg, wish, and make myself feel bad for trying. I don’t want to question why someone doesn’t like me when I treat them the way anyone would want to be treated.

So, as I’m thinking this and my feelings are solidifying, I went back onto OKCupid. I look at the account when I get a message. That’s it. I don’t get many messages these days. Because I don’t think much about it and I kinda like being single, I stopped poring over profiles and inspecting the men who message me. I don’t have a lot of time for it, either. I look at the photo, read the important stuff, then scan the write-up. If he’s not ugly or fat, if he doesn’t have facial hair or a bunch of kids, if he doesn’t smoke, if he’s single, if he’s just normal and doesn’t seem stupid, I usually respond. Before we meet I don’t even look at the profile again. We are strangers meeting for the first time and I don’t pretend it’s anything different.

The Jesus Freak guy from the other night was obviously a no-go. But last night I went out with a guy who seemed . . . fine. I was in his area for a family thing so figured, why not? We met and I was pleasantly surprised. He was also very sweet. He was normal. He was thoughtful. He was complimentary. He was smart. He was honest. He wasn’t as sexy or handsome or charming as Cutie. He wasn’t as smart or young or successful as my Original FWB. But there was no doubt that he likes me. He showed it, he said it. and he followed-up with me this morning to make sure I knew it.

So, why am I not satisfied? Why am I wondering why it couldn’t be Cutie? Why am I suddenly thinking that I’m too busy with the new job and the new house to deal with this? Why am I finding reasons not to like him? Why do I want someone who is not only  unavailable but who doesn’t even have feelings for me or treat me the same way that I treat him? Why do I want someone who doesn’t appreciate me? Or someone who uses me? Who in their right mind would choose to be with someone like that?

No reason to struggle at the moment, I suppose. But I do question my sanity and emotional health over this type of thing. I know I’m not the only one who is attracted to unavailable men or the only one who always believes that the grass is green on the other side. I know I want something healthy. But am I just as picky as the men I talk about on my blog? Am I just as reluctant to be in a relationship and fearful of something that might actually work? And if so . . . why?

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