Melancholy

Things are going pretty well in my life. Really, I can’t complain. New job. New house. I’ve got great health. Even though I’ve let life take over and neglected the eating right and exercising part, I still look better than I did when I began this journey. I’ve got a great dog. My BFF is fabulous. I want for nothing, really.

That being said, now that everything has calmed down a bit and the excitement of all this stuff has worn off, I’m feeling sad because I don’t have anyone to share it with. Sure, I have my friends, but . . . it’s different. When I get the keys to my new house, I will be alone. After the first day on the new job I won’t have anyone at home waiting to take me to dinner so that I can tell him all about it. Even though my relationships have obviously never been fantastic, there was at least someone there for me, someone who cared, someone to share these things with.

Tomorrow I have a family event and Sunday I have a friend visiting from out of town for the day. After she leaves I’m meeting my BFF for dinner. Next week I have a dinner with the old lady next door and lunch with my coworkers. Over the weekend, so far I have a hike planned with a girlfriend. And that’s just what I have planned at the moment. So, why is it that I feel so alone?

I can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with me because no one is interested in dating me. It’s one thing to always have been single, and I have friends my age who are in that boat, but that’s not me and I’m still getting used to this way of life. It’s hard. And it makes me realize that you need to be there for people and you need to ask them to be there for you, too, because when you’re not in a relationship you don’t have a built-in support group. As long as your relationship isn’t horrific, it’s comforting having someone there, someone to talk to, someone to touch when you want to. I could use a hug right now and if I were living with The Ex, I could just go to him and hug him. He would hug me back. Yes, he’s an SOB, but it still felt good to have that comfort any time. I guess I’ll just go and hug my dog . . .

I finally heard from Cutie. I think the ship has sailed as far as he is concerned. He’s gotten what he wants from me and now it’s time to move on, I suppose. The situation with him has made me think twice about FWB relationships. I’m not someone who has disposable friends. I usually keep my friends forever. Sometimes we lose touch for a bit, but if they ever needed me, I would be there. I take friendship seriously. Perhaps that is problem. I come across as someone with a tough exterior, but inside I’m actually quite sensitive and I’m easily hurt. I care very deeply about others. Perhaps too much. Maybe that is why I’m so guarded.

I’m going to try hard to be happy for me during this time and make the best of it. Perhaps when things start happening and it is more excitement than stress, it will get better.

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