Feeling like a grown-up

Maybe it’s because I’m the youngest child. Or perhaps it’s due to my emotional immaturity (self-diagnosed). Or, maybe, I’m just young at heart. I’ve never felt like a grown-up or someone fully capable of taking care of herself. I have been taking care of myself since I was 17, but usually with boyfriends, so I was never truly independent. I think The Ex prepared me for independence. Even though I had him to lean on if I needed to, I know I couldn’t lean on him without feeling his wrath or being reminded that I owed him. I was definitely the adult in that relationship. Over the past year, I haven’t had a life raft. I’ve grown because of it.

I’m thinking of the future. I’m thinking of where I want to be and what I want to do. I’m envisioning my future life and how I want it to be. What is important to me and what is not. What makes me happy and what doesn’t make a difference. Over the past year, I’ve been working on reconnecting with friends, old and new. I have made an effort to get fit, body and soul. I’ve been getting to know me.

When I took the job I currently have, my goal was to make more money in less time. I didn’t want to work too hard, just my 40-hour day. I had to focus on the relationship with The Ex and his kids, the house, and well, that’s about it. I couldn’t do all of that plus have a demanding job. So, I took a position that doesn’t require me to go above and beyond. It just happens to pay a decent salary to sit at a desk and write. I stay below the radar and because my regular work keeps me busy, I am rarely asked to do anything else. Perfect for someone who wants to give as little as possible.

I’ve been looking for a new job for about eight months. I have gotten close, but never made the final cut as in being offered the job. I am always a top candidate, which is great, but sure is a waste of time! I was offered a position and for several reasons, it ended up not happening. It was a blessing in disguise as it was the same job for the same type of company, just with managerial duties. I would get paid handsomely for overtime which is unheard of in a professional and managerial position, but that meant, you guessed it, working a lot of overtime. I am happy to do it when I need to, but I don’t like to be expected to because I do have a life outside of work. I also wasn’t thrilled with the people I would be working with.

As things with that position were falling apart, I learned a great deal about what I’d done wrong and what I really wanted out of a career. I landed an interview with another firm. I only interviewed for the position because I was scared to death that my current job would catch wind of the standing offer and the issues surrounding that offer and let me go. This was my crazy paranoia a few weeks ago. I sort-of padded my resume and this company does a very thorough background check. Very. It’s the same resume (obviously with updates) that I’ve been using for 15 years and this was the first time in six different jobs/companies that it has ever been an issue.

So, I went into the interview with this fear and paranoia as well as swearing never, ever to do what I’d done again and was 100% honest with my interviewers for the first time in 15 years. The issue came up in my first interview, it came up in my second interview, and it came up in my peer lunch. Yes, it was uncomfortable. But, I got through it and turns out it wasn’t such a big deal because I was offered the position this week.

Turns out, this job I interviewed for because I thought I was desperate was an amazing opportunity with some amazing people. The chemistry with my future boss and coworkers was great and their feelings toward me were off the charts. It’s similar to what I’m doing now, but different, and definitely bigger. It’s a grown-up position and I even have a corner office with a window! I can thrive here. I can make a lot of money here. And, I have a feeling I will be here for a long time.

Not only am I starting a new job, but I’m in the process of closing on a house. What a nightmare! Even though this house is supposed to be an investment and a rental in five years, I am not sure I ever want to go through the pain and suffering of purchasing a house again. I won’t go into detail and bore you all to death. I still have a long way to go before it’s a done deal. I will say, if anything makes you feel like a bonafide adult, it’s purchasing a home. Especially when it’s 100% on your own.

I put my profile up on OKCupid again. I don’t know why. I guess I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something, even if it’s just a passive attempt. My Original FWB is not moving (maybe I mentioned this before?) but we are just friends, and kinda good friends even though he can really annoy the piss out of me sometimes. Overall, he’s a good person.

So, what about Cutie?

This is super busy season for him at work so we aren’t in touch as much as usual. We check in from time-to-time. Last week was insane but we’d made plans to see each other on Friday night. I told him if he was too tired to let me know and I would understand. He said that even if he was too tired, he just wanted to see me. He sent me several “I miss you” texts and was not sexual at all. He mostly felt sorry for himself and wanted me to “poor baby” him, which I have discovered he really likes. He came over on Friday around 9pm straight from work and I got pizza for him. He was too tired for sex but we managed a quickie before eating. We ate, then he fell asleep. I was up all night being sweated on, listening to him snore and talk in his sleep, and generally being uncomfortable. I’m not used to sleeping next to someone anymore.

Cutie was more affectionate than usual, even though he’s always affectionate. But, what he really wanted was attention. I gave it to him by rubbing his head, his back, stroking his chest, telling him he works too hard, etc., and while I was happy to do so, it felt weird because I’m not his girlfriend or anyone special. And it hit me that Cutie, as nice as he is to me, uses me. In some ways, I guess that is the arrangement that we have. But the problem is that I don’t use him. I enjoy him, but I don’t use him. I don’t only contact him when I’m in need, like he does to me, it’s always about him. He dictates when we will see each other and he dictates the mood. His pattern is that he contacts me when it’s convenient for him. I’m there for him always: when he’s lonely, tired, sick, horny, bored, or in need of an ego boost. When he has a girlfriend, when he’s busy, when he’s happy, when he’s fulfilled, I don’t exist, but I am the first person he’s in touch with when he’s single again and when he needs me.

I think I deserve better and you know what? I would give anything to have someone in my life who cares about me the way I care about Cutie. To have someone who is there for me. To have someone who’s relationship with me isn’t entirely self-motivated, selfish, or whatever the word is I’m looking for. I don’t know if this is just Cutie, and why he’s been single for six years other than two relationships that have lasted a few months, or if this is just Cutie with me, taking what he can get from someone willing to give but who doesn’t ask for anything. Again, he’s not a jerk and he’s not doing anything I am not allowing him to do. This is all on me.

I keep reminding myself about what happened with my Original FWB. It used to be the same way, but when I put my foot down, even though we no longer sleep together, things changed for the better. I stopped allowing him to use me and he started to respect me and treat me like a human being rather than a blow-up doll. Again, he was never a jerk or rude, but I don’t think he ever really cared until now.

In my mind I have a conversation with Cutie about this, but I just don’t know what to say, and I hate the thought of not being with him anymore. We would stay friends, loosely anyway, but things would be different. I guess I will take it day-by-day and figure things out as I go.


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