The hard part — the waiting — is over. There might be some shrapnel, and sometimes that is worse than the bullet, but time will heal all wounds and yes, I have learned a few lessons . . . and then some. I can finally breathe again and get on with my life. And, if the shit really hits the fan, I have a plan. Because it’s all I’ve been thinking about.
I’m not ready to tell you what I did just yet, but I probably will at some point. Right now I’m still feeling paranoia for possible repercussions and what if someone I know reads this and my mistake is carried into that part of my life? That would be bad . . . really bad. It’s not a chance that I can take right now.
What I will tell you is that this has made me look deep inside myself at what I want and who I want to be. It’s made me consider what’s important, what’s not, and in some ways, my value. And, for the first time today, I was able to be 100% honest and it felt amazing and it was appreciated and I felt authentic for the first time in a really long time.
I made some big, important steps this week. Things I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t. Things I’ve put off. Things that have stunted my growth as a human being and a professional. The wheels are finally in motion. I feel like I’m taking care of me right now and practicing some real self-love (no, not that kind of self-love you sickos!).
You all want to hear about my exciting personal life — I just know it! Alas, there is no excitement. Only work, working out, and spending time with friends. Yes, I see Cutie about once a week and we chat almost daily, but there is no news there. Just us being us.
I do want to talk a little bit about boundaries though. When I told my Original FWB that I wasn’t having sex outside of a relationship at this point in my life (I meant it at the time) he was very understanding of my position. He did back-off quite a bit when he was in a relationship, but we kept in touch and as you all know, yours truly was the first person he contacted when they broke-up.
My Original FWB and I were always friendly, and he’s a great guy, but I certainly was not a priority in his life. I was there when he was horny and our relationship was limited to the bedroom only. Funny now that I have put some boundaries in place, he’s finally being the friend I always wanted him to be. The sex talk has stopped, the contact has become more frequent and more substantial, and we do things together that do not involve sex.
It can be a tad awkward because I don’t think we know exactly where we stand with each other, but it’s a good place and it’s authentic and real. It’s a friendship with respect and genuine like. We are going on a hike together on Sunday and I’m really looking forward to it.
I am considering placing the same boundaries on my relationship with Cutie. I think about it often. I think I deserve more. Not that I’m not getting some benefits from him, not that I’m not having a good time, not that this is particularly one-sided, but I sometimes feel like I’m allowing someone to treat me with less than I deserve.
My life is changing for the better and I had something happen today that made me see things differently. Whether what happened was a wake-up call or the start of a new life, I don’t know and won’t know for a couple weeks. I’m not a big “everything happens for a reason” person because I am not spiritual. But sometimes coincidence is uncanny, a little crazy, and the timing is perfect. Anyway, I had a glimpse of the person I want to be, can be, and strive to be. It was weird, in a good way. And even if this doesn’t work out, I know I’m on the right path.