Yep, still waiting

I’m still waiting for it to come down on me. The anxiety comes and goes at this point. I mean, there’s really no reason to be anxious. It’s going to happen, and then I’m going to be screwed. The best course of action I can take is to keep going, to not press the pause button on life, to move forward and put myself back in the driver’s seat. And, of course, to learn from my mistake and definitely not repeat it. You’re all sick of this shit, sick of hearing about it, but I haven’t told a soul so this is where it has to come out. When it’s all said and done I might share more. I don’t know yet.

I’m so busy and so tired with my new schedule that men, dating, and even sex to a certain degree, are not on my mind much. Focusing on myself, on something I can control and see progress in, is so much more satisfying to me than focusing on the unknown. It’s really where I need to be right now.

But, this situation I’m in? It has provided me with some valuable lessons. I’m not sure what’s in store later this week, but I know I’m losing out on a valuable opportunity because of a bad choice and all of the things that were supposed to come with that are now gone. All of that hard work, for nothing. I’ve destroyed someone’s trust in me and disappointed people. And that hurts. But so far I’ve learned that I should never do anything I feel ashamed of. If someone finds out and I’m a little embarrassed, that’s fine. But shame and fear should drive me away from those options. I also need to live less in the moment and look out for my future. I’m a bit of a free spirit at times and tend to forget consequences. And this brings me full-circle to my love life as well, and Cutie. I need to re-evaluate and consider whether or not this relationship is actually bringing anything positive into my life. I’ve really got to work on getting rid of the negative and focusing on the positive. Once this is all over, I’ve got to make things right with myself.

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