I’m still waiting for the shit storm to rain down on me. I can see the dark clouds, I know it’s coming, it’s just a matter of when. The suspense is killing me. And as much as I don’t want to deal with it, I just want to face the music now and get it over with. Sorry to be so cryptic, but I have to be. I have to remember that this too shall pass.
The only good thing in my life right now is that despite the predicament I am in, I’m not allowing myself to falter in other areas of my life. As much as I want to call in sick, stay in bed all day, sleep to avoid the issue, skip my workouts, ignore all texts, calls, and emails, and eat the discomfort away, I am staying as normal as possible. I know this is what’s best in the long run and I know it’s helping me get through it. I have not told a soul about my predicament, but my BFF (who is no longer pissed at me) knows that something is wrong. I’m telling her stress, which is true, but I just can’t tell her the details. I’m too ashamed.
I’m making some changes in my life. I don’t know how things got to be so upside-down over the past six months. Well, I do. It takes a lot of work for me to be a person I like, a person with her shit together, a happy person. I have to put that effort into myself and not allow things to fall apart again. I can’t understand why that is so hard for me and everyone else makes it all look so easy and natural.
Really, I should be dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Both parents are, and I suppose I have that gene. They self-medicate. My medication, my therapy, my peace, luckily, has always been activity. But, my willpower is weak and I can’t seem to stick with anything for long. I’m easily bored because I have no gratitude. And I should have gratitude because I have a good life. It’s something I need to work on.