Still waiting

I’m still waiting for the shit storm to rain down on me. I can see the dark clouds, I know it’s coming, it’s just a matter of when. The suspense is killing me. And as much as I don’t want to deal with it, I just want to face the music now and get it over with. Sorry to be so cryptic, but I have to be. I have to remember that this too shall pass.

The only good thing in my life right now is that despite the predicament I am in, I’m not allowing myself to falter in other areas of my life. As much as I want to call in sick, stay in bed all day, sleep to avoid the issue, skip my workouts, ignore all texts, calls, and emails, and eat the discomfort away, I am staying as normal as possible. I know this is what’s best in the long run and I know it’s helping me get through it. I have not told a soul about my predicament, but my BFF (who is no longer pissed at me) knows that something is wrong. I’m telling her stress, which is true, but I just can’t tell her the details. I’m too ashamed.

I’m making some changes in my life. I don’t know how things got to be so upside-down over the past six months. Well, I do. It takes a lot of work for me to be a person I like, a person with her shit together, a happy person. I have to put that effort into myself and not allow things to fall apart again. I can’t understand why that is so hard for me and everyone else makes it all look so easy and natural.

Really, I should be dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Both parents are, and I suppose I have that gene. They self-medicate. My medication, my therapy, my peace, luckily, has always been activity. But, my willpower is weak and I can’t seem to stick with anything for long. I’m easily bored because I have no gratitude. And I should have gratitude because I have a good life. It’s something I need to work on.

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3 thoughts on “Still waiting

  1. It sounds like you are getting a little crazy- perhaps you should seek get some professional mental health help. May be some medication might calm you down– your writing reads manic.

    • Not hardly. I’m simply stressed and freaking out over a situation in my life that I don’t feel I can share on my blog right now, yet this is the only outlet at the moment for this particular problem.

  2. I’ve found myself in this space before. Let me offer you some advice and a helping hand of sorts. When it felt like my world was going to implode on me, I turned to a stranger and unloaded and, while they couldn’t make my problems go away, they helped me sort it out and decide the firing order; what was to blow up first, second and third, etc.

    My door is open if you decide that’s what you want to do. We can chat any time. 🙂

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