I think I fucked up big-time and I think it might cost me. A lot. My outlook of “do whatever you want just don’t get caught” has finally come back to bite me in the ass. I’m not a bad person, I’m not a criminal, I’m not out to hurt anyone, I just don’t follow the rules. And, up until now, I’ve been lucky.
Sometimes I feel unethical in my day-to-day life and it causes me anxiety. Mostly, it’s the secrets that I keep. That I was a terrible student, that my father is a raging alcoholic, that I can’t seem to have a healthy relationship, my AFF membership, my FWBs, and my somewhat devious sexual history. Sometimes I’m embarrassed about my family. I’ve felt shame at my eating issues. I feel like a fraud at times. There are things I do that I know I shouldn’t, but I do them anyway. There are things I don’t tell or maybe lie about because I don’t want to be judged.
I know that everyone is allowed a personal life and things like money and sex are very personal. I also know that not everyone is what they seem to be on the outside. People are bankrupt, financially irresponsible, living paycheck-to-paycheck, even though on the outside you would peg them as very responsible and having their shit together. Perfectly decent people are swingers and some people you would never expect have affairs or strange and even illegal fetishes. Some people have substance issues and some have other mental or emotional problems. No one is perfect, no matter how much they seem to be on the outside.
My secrets and lies are not big deals, in the scheme of things, but they are things I wouldn’t want anyone to know and things I worry about people finding out about. My workplace is the most gossipy office I’ve ever known. There is gossip going around about people that would devestate me. I know that if anyone ever discovered any of my secrets, it would spread like wildfire and that bothers me. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is living a life 100% in the open and I’m trying to fit in.
I want to live a life where I don’t have to worry about anyone finding out anything about me. I don’t want to have to worry about it. So, from now on I’m going to live that life. I’m just tired of the secrets. I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of hiding, sneaking, being less than honest with myself and everyone else. I am going to be able to look people in the eye from now on.
I’m not sure how this chapter is going to play out. Whatever happens that is bad, I think I deserve it. But, I think it’s going to be pretty bad. I haven’t slept for days. I have a constant “feeling” in my gut. I’m watching others, waiting for them to see it, too. I’m just biding my time and waiting to be called out. The waiting is killing me, but it’s got to happen and I’ve got to face the music. So, I just sit in my own misery and wait for the shit storm to happen.