Lost . . . and found

I feel like I am drifting along lost and it’s probably because I don’t have a clear plan or clear goals. I’m also not ready to date because I rely on the opinion of strangers to determine my self-worth, apparently, and it also redirects my focus. The fact that I can’t find anyone at all interested in dating me is depressing and sad.

My life over the past three months has been a vicious cycle and a departure from the happiness I was feeling over the past year and I need to get that back. It’s hard when you fall into a black hole of boredom, despair, and sadness. I think it stems from the fact that I’ve worked really hard over the pat year to look better and feel better, yet I’m still not good enough, not in my own eyes and definitely not in the eyes of others. For some reason I can’t get it through my head that I do look better, I do feel better, and I am better off. Just because I’m not at my goal right at this moment doesn’t mean that I will never get there or that I need to give up. I feel like in dating I focus on all of the bad and none of the good. It’s all superficial. It’s not about how I feel or how I’m progressing, it’s all about what they think of me. And, because I have no idea what the truth is, I have to assume it’s because they think I’m fat or ugly or my personality is severely lacking.

Putting myself out there in the dating world has killed my self-esteem. Being a FWB hasn’t helped, either. If I were smart, I’d pull out of both situations. I’m just not that smart, though. Cutie will never be into me for one reason or another, so I might as well keep doing that. However, no more online dating, at least not until I’m at a place where the men are dying to take me out, especially after our initial in-person meeting.

Everything has fallen apart over the past few months: my financials, my home, my fitness, my weight, my self-esteem, my sleep schedule . . . everything. If I had my shit together three months ago, I don’t anymore. It all spiraled out of control. Now it’s time to bring it all back.

Goal 1: No dating for the rest of 2012.

Goal 2: No more FWBs. It’s either Cutie or no one.

Goal 3: Keep working on the fitness and diet.

Goal 4: No more clothes purchases for 2012 (with exception of essential items).

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Lost . . . and found

  1. Wow you really are me but in america…its like we are living the same life. Thank you reading your blog has helped me realise that I am not alone and that men no matter where they are be it in Britain or in America are all the same mores the pity

    • Blaming men for everything is part of the problem Debbie. Actually, her story sounds similar to mine. And I’m a man. So, go figure. We could bash each other on the heads, or we could focus on getting our lives in order. Which to do? Hmmm…

  2. Your goals sound like the ones I *should* have right now – well not really the first two because it’s not like I have any dating/FWB prospects anyway. I’m doing great with #3 but my goodness, #4 is a serious problem.

    I’m curious about this statement: “However, no more online dating, at least not until I’m at a place where the men are dying to take me out, especially after our initial in-person meeting.” How will you determine when you’re at that point, especially if you’re not actively dating? What would be different about you that would make more men attracted to you? If you’ve already been working hard to look better and feel better about yourself, what more can you do?

    Not trying to be critical (sorry if it sounds that way – I couldn’t think of better phrasing for my questions), I’m just very interested as I’m over here trying to pave my own path for self-improvement.

    • Yeah, the clothes thing can be tough, especially as you are losing weight and looking/feeling better. But, I’m finding that I’m excited about purchases because they make me happy . . . at the moment. I have loads of clothes with tags in my closet, shoes still in the box, etc. Not good!

      Regarding your second question. That is a good question. I say that I can’t let men and dating determine my self-worth yet I’m not going to date until I’m good enough for everyone else. Good start right there, huh?

      I think that what happens is that I work really hard at improving myself and compared to where I was, I feel very confident and good. However, to people on the outside, it doesn’t matter to them that I am better than I was, it only matters to them how I am now. This isn’t just about looks or weight, but overall. So, if someone says I’m too heavy for their taste, telling them I’ve lost 25 lbs isn’t going to make them reconsider. It’s relative. So, to feel and look better and to be better, yet still not have men wanting to date me, only makes me feel bad, I guess is what I’m trying to say. And, my thoughts here were that I’m going to get 100% to where I want to be before I put myself out there again. I can’t really afford the negativity right now.

      • I’d toss Cutie out of the picture as well. But I know how difficult that can be. I have someone around like Cutie that I haven’t quite cut out myself for some reason.

  3. Realize that when you get to the place where you are 100% the person you want to be, there will STILL be people who do not want to date you for whatever reason (and that’s there problem, not yours). I hope, for you, that when you reach that point you will give less of a shit what others think of you. The right person for you, when you find him, would be happy with you NOW. Good luck. I wish you the very best. 🙂

  4. I don’t think being with Cutie is a good idea, either. He isn’t that into you so having sex with him is going to make you feel like you are being used. Fuck that. Don’t have sex with a dude until you meet someone who is really interested in you. You need to have faith that this is going to happen and do whatever you need to do in order to feel better about yourself.

  5. From your writing and descriptions of yourself you seem like you don’t think you’re that great. If you don’t think you are great, why would a man think it? It doesn’t matter how much weight you lose or how many cute clothes you buy, if you don’t have confidence in yourself, not many guys will find you attractive. You have to find a way to gain more confidence in yourself and your attraction.

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