Life

Something’s happened between me and Cutie. No, nothing bad. Just an understanding. Since our reconnection things have been lighter. I don’t know if it’s because I now know for sure where things stand or if I’m comfortable with our situation, but either way, it’s good. It’s enjoyable. The sex, as always, is amazing. But we’re laughing more, joking more, getting to know each other more. We spend more time together. It’s good, comfortable, open. I like it.

But — there’s always a but — I’m not sure how I will be able to pursue dating while having Cutie in my life. While he’s not perfect, there are many parts of him that are exactly what I want in a partner and how I want to feel with my partner. He’s the only man who I’ve ever been 100% able to be myself with. It brings out the very best in me and I have never felt so free, open, or happy. When I’m with him I feel as able to be myself as I do when I’m with my best friend. And then there is the sex. I’m completely spoiled.

This is a dilemma. However, with my bad luck in dating I guess I shouldn’t worry about it. Speaking of dating, I did meet someone from OKCupid yesterday. It was one of those instances where you see him before you actually meet him and hope that’s not the guy you’re there to spend time with but you know it is. I couldn’t be an asshole and call it off, so I went through with it. He was nice enough, but I was not attracted. He was bald and clean-shaven, but with sideburns. His teeth were not only crooked and gapped (which is not that big of a deal to me) but they were so yellowish-brown and coffee-stained that I could hardly stand to look at them. He was wearing a give-away t-shirt tucked into old acid-washed jeans and crappy sneakers. On top of being unattractive he mentioned therapy about three times which is not a good thing to talk about on a first date. He pointed out that I was dressed up and that he was dressed like a slob. That was tied to him thinking I basically looked like I belonged in “plastic-ville” or that I looked “sterile”. Meanwhile I’m wondering why a person would dress like a slob on a first date?

The guy I met on AFF on Friday, while very attractive and totally my type, is not going to work afterall. He grossed me out and I can’t get over it. I understad that it’s about sex, but I don’t think that’s a reason to be overt. I really have to get to know a guy at least a little in order to truly be turned on by him. If I am not intimate with someone, talking sex, besides in general, does nothing for me. I can’t quite explain it. But I suppose it has something to do with my brain needing to be part of the process.

After coffee, not only did he ask to come back to my place to fuck (which I declined), he walked me to my car and kissed me. With tongue. That could’ve been sweet if he hadn’t asked to come over. He was also a little aggressive and then he grossed me out when he grabbed my boob and starting asking me questions such as: do I squirt?, what color are my pubes?, is my pussy wet?, and do I have multiple orgasms? He had a big boner but was lacking in the charm department.

At this point I understood that when he looked at me all he could see was a vagina. I could have been shot dead right then and there and it would not have mattered. I was just a body and he did not care about me, as a human being. At that moment, he was nothing more than an animal to me. He might as well have been a dog humping my leg. It’s not my style.

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