2nd place

Second place.

Last place.

Number two.

Loser.

Not good enough.

The Ex and I have a long history. We dated when I was in my very early 20s. He chose someone else over me and married her. When she left him after a few years and two babies, he sought me out. He claimed to have chosen her for the wrong reasons when he should have chosen me for the right reasons. She was hot and they had passion — the kind that leaves holes in the walls. I was the stable one, decent looking but not hot, smart, had my wits about me, parents would like me, would make a good mother and wife, etc. 

Alas, it did not work and we both went our seperate ways. However, I carried this with of me for a long time and when we reconnected many years later, I still felt the sting of rejection. Yes, I was the great role-model for his children, his parents did love me, I was stable, had a good job, could be counted on, trustworthy, etc. But that was never good enough. The Ex really wanted me to lose weight, get a boob job, dress like a stripper, and act like a porn star. I was always being pressured. I was never good enough. He wanted something else. He wanted that passion, the hot girl, yet all rolled up into someone good, kind, decent, and perfect. So, while I was home paying bills, keeping house, tending to his children, working my ass off, and being the best fiance/girlfriend I could be under the circumstances, even when that meant not taking care of me, he was out getting his hotness from others. Yes, I realize that he is immature and has his priorities completely screwed up. But, this is the norm amongst men, I am finding.

I’m the girl that looks good on paper, that is fine to date and it’s not like I embarrass anyone when we go out, who is stable and easy to be with, can hold her own, who is a parent’s dream come true, who is a decent person, and on and on and on. But I rarely elicit that passion, chemistry, and desire that men want. So, that leaves me always in second place. I’m the woman that men like to talk to, they come crying back to when things don’t work out with the hot woman, the one they want to try to make something work with because it makes sense, the one who strokes their ego, the one who they think of when they are lonely, and the one they largely ignore. Until they need me or realize that I am the rational decision, I am out in the cold while they hunt for instant chemistry.

It’s so frustrating.

My Original FWB is coming back to town and has been in touch. Trying to plan a date or something, I can’t really tell. Part of me says to give it a go and part of me says that if he was truly interested in me he would have done something about it before. His excuse was timing. I feel like, once again, I’m the one he doesn’t really have feelings for but I “make sense” so he should at least try. Do I take him at face value? Or do I walk away and not go there?

I know life isn’t always perfect. I know that I have taken time to really like someone. I know that I can take time to like. But once, just once, I’d like to be the first place prize to someone.

P.S. Speaking of 2nd place, I still don’t know about the job. I believe, in my gut, that the offer went to the other person and they aren’t telling me until they accept and if they decline I will receive the second offer disguised as the only offer.

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4 thoughts on “2nd place

  1. Plenty of women are focused on instant chemistry, hot bodies, guys who “will take control.” Shallow ass priorities. Just like the guys who want Barbie cooking them dinner and handing them beers, while they play video games with their bros. I’ve been the guy women come back to when they’ve been burned by the macho, “alpha” male. I know that story. All too well.

    Frankly, the only way I have been able to shift that script – at least to some extent – is to stop believing the second place, nice guy story. And to stop acting the role. I have cut people out of my life in recent years. With others, I have re-defined the boundaries to respect my needs, as well as theirs.

    None of it is easy. And I don’t have a success story to share in terms of a relationship. The whirlwind romance I had over the winter and into spring fell apart. So it goes.

  2. Men are pretty easy to turn on. I would think all you would have to do is wear some spiked heels, shorter skirts, show your girls and men would be drooling. Do you dress conservatively?

    Unless you have changed something about yourself, like you dress sexy now, FWB is going to act the exact same way with you.

      • That’s the way men are. If they can screw a woman without dating her, they will. You have to not let them. It’s up to you. They will date you if you tell them that’s all you will except, take it or leave it. You have to tell them this pointedly, in words. You can’t hint. They won’t get a hint.

        You have to say: “I don’t have sex without monogamy first, a committed relationship. If you want sex without strings, I suggest you get yourself a hooker.”

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