I guess being lonely is part of life, especially adult life. For me, there are ebs and flows. Some weekends are packed with friends, guys, family, activity, and more. And some weekends make me wonder if anyone in this big universe has thought about me once or if they would notice if I disappeared. Sometimes I feel lonely and then realize that I shouldn’t because of the number of people that contacted me that day or my upcoming social obligations.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely. So lonely that I’m sad. So sad that I don’t want to get out and do something to make myself feel less lonely. Like go for a walk in a crowded park, take my dog to a dog park, or even go to the mall. Maybe pick up the phone and call someone. This has turned into a vicious cycle: lonely, sad, do nothing, feel worse, rinse and repeat.

Having Cutie around again has helped a little bit because he’s always there and he satisfies my need for human touch, plus we make each other laugh and smile all the time. On the other hand it has fueled some frustrations. Turns out that Cutie’s ex is a little bit crazy, among other things. And then I’m back to: Why choose crazy over me? Why choose diseased over me? Why choose mentally damaged over me? Why choose physically damaged over me? I guess it’s one of those things about love that no one will ever be able to answer.

I am trying to get out of this funk. I re-opened my OKCupid profile and I changed my dating profiles to be less bitchy but probably more honest than any dating coach would ever recommend. I do feel a little happier lately mostly because I’m thinking of some things to get me going again, including exercise, food, schedule, and maybe moving into the city. Of course, there’s the job search as well and if I do get an offer tomorrow, which I do not expect to get, well that’s a different story.

I am challenging myself to lose 30 lbs by December 1. That’s a lot for me and would be the size that makes me “look good in pictures” (if you are a woman, you know what I mean). It will be difficult because that is thin for me and because I run long distances and have to be able to fuel those runs. Maybe when I’m thin this dating thing won’t be so tough.


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