Overwhelmed while underwhelmed

This is going to be one long roller-coaster of a post, so you might want to consider turning back. If you decide to climb aboard, bring your barf-bag.

I’ve never really, truly been able to commit. When the going gets tough I make changes. When I get bored I make changes. When I think the grass is greener on the other side I make changes. As a teen, if I decided I hated my high school I moved in with another parent (as in my mom or dad — they divorced when I was young) so I could have a fresh start. If I had a long stretch of difficulty at my job I found a new one. If my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch I left. Even when I was married I decided early on it wasn’t going to work plus I didn’t like where we were living so I left him and moved away to start a new life. I have lived in five states since 1998 and changed jobs every two to three years. Same goes for boyfriends.

When I moved in with The Ex, back to my hometown, I decided I would make every effort to finally put down some roots. I wanted to find a job in which I would stay for many years, if not for the rest of my career. I wanted to make life-long friends. I wanted to be a part of a community. I wanted to go to the same grocery store and be known by name. I wanted to recognize people on my commute. I wanted to make friends with my neighbors. I wanted a plan. I was 32 and ready to have the life like my parents, living in the same house for decades, having the same close friends forever, being a real part of lots of other peoples’ histories. You know, real stability. I feel like I’ve been weaving in and out of people’s lives all these years without making many real connections. I’m always gone too soon.

After living with The Ex just a few months I felt like it wasn’t working and I was not happy. I couldn’t trust my own instincts though, because how many times had I felt this way and jumped ship? Relationships are hard. He also has kids, so that was a big change. I was living in a new community that I did not like, which was difficult. I stayed and what happened was that I lost myself. I did not make many friends because if I left the house I was accused of cheating on him and didn’t want to deal with it. I did not do anything I enjoyed since all of my time and finances were wrapped up in our house and his kids. The economy tanked and I did not stick with one job but moved around when I could find something with better pay.

Four years later I was finally ready to admit that it wasn’t just me and my lack of ability to commit, it really was the relationship with The Ex that was not working out. So, I moved out and to a community I like, I found myself, I started doing things I enjoyed, I started to make new friends and foster my old relationships, my job situation was better . . . things were really good.

A year after I left The Ex, I’ve become restless again. Things were going great and then I lost my mojo. I stopped losing weight and became bored with my exercise routine. May/June were tough for me, as you all know. Runner and I ended up not working out and while I was not heartbroken, I will admit that the situation whetted my appetite for a relationship. I fell for Cutie, was rejected, and then he dumped me via text. My Original FWB decided he did like me, but he liked someone else better and said he’d come back for me if things didn’t work out with her (ouch!) and now it looks like that’s not going to happen and while I’m OK with it, it still burns a little. My good friend decided he was in love with me and that friendship was torn apart. The online dating situation really beat me up and shook my confidence. My best friend took a new job and now works weekends. My job stability is shaky at best and office morale is very low. I wish I lived in the city but I don’t want to deal with a commute.

When I decided one day that I wanted to move up north and then started handing out my resume, I just wanted out of here, to start something new somewhere else. I was frustrated with the lack of work in the area and have been feeling stress with my current situation. I didn’t feel like I had anything or anyone here. I didn’t feel wanted or needed. I was bored with my home city and the little it has to offer, especially when you don’t have anyone to do those things with. No boyfriend, most of my friends are parents with husbands or have been here forever so they have big groups of friends of their own, my best friend and I can no longer spend time together, my FWBs had moved on, and I felt that I was better appreciated in a larger city as far as dating and men go, as that has always been the case before. I miss living in a city filled with intellects and transplants who are open to new frienships.

I didn’t expect things to happen so fast. I didn’t expect the call-backs and the quick turnaround time for interviews or all of the interest in little old me. It was quite the whirlwind experience. And then, while I’m there I heard from both my Original FWB and Cutie. When I returned from my interviews up north my local friends started contacting me about upcoming plans and would I play on a team or go to a race or hang out soon? I also had a work party where I realized how much I really like a lot of my coworkers. At the party there were a lot of people who worked at my company before the recession and I envied their long-term friendships and realized that my relationships with co-workers were starting to become that, too. And then my first weekend back was filled with friends, family, and Cutie. My week is also full and my summer is filling up as well.

Despite everything, which really does seem to be looking up for me, I’ve been feeling some depression over the past few months. I’m not sure why. My life is not bad, I’m healthy, I’m obviously respected professionally, and I’m doing what I set out to do five years ago and putting down some roots. Has this simply been a rough spot? Is this really not the place for me? Am I falling victim to my own past bad habits? Or am I creating these issues myself?

I have not been able to concentrate much at work and my habits are turning around again. I’m staying up late and sleeping in. I’m tired. I’m not exercising. I’m either not eating well or I’m not eating at all. When I’m depressed I eat but when I’m stressed I don’t. I’ve been feeling a little of both as of late. I miss my BFF and our weekends together. I still haven’t found a way to replace that. Because I’ve stopped exercising, some of my goals will not be met and that is depressing as well.

I guess I’m anxious because I find out about the position up north at the end of the week. I know I should not put the cart before the horse, but I can’t not think about it. If it doesn’t work out, I have another idea up my sleeve and that would mean staying local. If I do decide to stay local, I think I will move downtown and get into the city with the other young, single, urban people so I don’t feel so closed off from it all anymore. That might mean commuting for now, but it might also be the change I need.

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