It’s been over a month since that ill-fated evening with Runner but today we finally had the opportunity to talk about what happened between us. We met for lunch and after a hug and some small talk, delved into what was going on. With all of the time that has passed, I’m no longer mad or upset nor do I have strong feelings for Runner so what happened between us was no longer on my mind. That made it difficult to recall the details and my feelings. But apparently he remembered quite well.
He didn’t think it was a big deal that he waited three days to call me after we had sex because that was our pattern. By me being upset by it he thought I was acting a little “crazy” and because I didn’t talk to him about it right away he felt I was being “controlling”. He felt like he did nothing wrong and that I was “projecting”. And then, when I didn’t hear from him at all after a couple weeks, he felt that I should’ve reached out and that all of his friends had reached out knowing that he was being reclusive and that something was wrong. Just yesterday he told me via text that his life had been turned upside down and felt like I did not respond in a caring way. He did not understand my frustration and anger.
My argument was that he’s always been in touch with me after a date. In that sense, it was not the regular pattern and I didn’t feel like I was being unreasonable. I was offended at being called crazy because I did not go off on him or show any signs of crazy, I was simply feeling like I was being slighted or had been the victim of a pump and dump because we had sex and suddenly the pattern changed. I did not withhold information in an attempt to control him. I had a hair appointment and couldn’t talk. When it was over, he had his son and couldn’t talk. Because we couldn’t talk I texted him the basics (he wanted me to) and we decided to talk the next day. I admitted that I didn’t want to talk to him the next day because I wanted more time to think things through. Then he said we’d touch base in a few weeks so I let it go. And finally, I had to tell him that texting is not a great vehicle for communicating and that I had no idea that anything was wrong because even though he said he had been retreating from his social life, I had no way of knowing that because he hadn’t been talking to me anyway, nor do we have mutual friends. He always says he’s too busy for me and I had no reason to believe that this was any different.
While I know for a fact that not calling a woman for three days after you sleep with her is never a good sign, I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, told him what I wanted, and then allowed him to do it or not and then made a decision about the relationship without getting angry or feeling like someone was doing something bad to me on purpose. I bristled, I became defensive, and I was ready to be wronged and hurt because it’s happened before so that’s what I’ve come to expect. I made a lot of assumptions, I created bad things where they did not exist, and I pounced on the opportunity to get pissed and run away so as not to be hurt. Again, what he did was not right, but I made more of it than I needed to.
I’m certainly not proud of the way I responded, but I know that in some ways Runner was being manipulative and unfair, looking at things from his point of view and not mine. I’ve come to realize that he is narcissistic and it was all about him. That being said, enough time had passed that neither one of us were particularly mad and we said our apologies, laughed about it a little, and made friends. We said what we needed to say and put it to rest. Neither of us put up a fight to try to make it work.
He told me about what went down a couple weeks ago in his personal life and even if this hadn’t happened, our relationship would be done because of it. At least, I would’ve walked away from it. It’s too much. So, I agreed to be his friend and be there for him if he needs me. I apologized for assuming he was out to get me. And I accepted his apology for hurting me. We walked to our cars, hugged good-bye, and that was that.