This topic has generated a lot of debate in the reply section of this post, so I thought I’d throw it out there in a blog. I’m sure it’s been beaten like a dead horse all over the internet. What’s another dead beaten horse, right?
As one commenter said, it’s 2012 not 1952. I probably make just as much as if not more than many of the men I meet. I can afford my own coffee, drink, or meal. I can also take on and off my own coat and open doors all by myself. In addition, I can change a tire (so what if I call AAA!), hammer a picture hanger into the wall, and negotiate a car sale.
Again, it’s 2012 and not 1952, but I’m still not going to straddle my hot date and grope his junk or tell him all about my awesome blow-job abilities. I’m not going to take him home and fuck his brains out and then expect to ever hear from him again. I’m not going to emasculate him in any way by showing him up with my finances or successes. It’s 2012, yet if I chase or pursue a man, I’m going to be deemed desperate or psycho and he’s going to quickly lose interest in me, if he was ever intersted at all.
I know I can do anything for myself, and I’m assuming the guy does as well, but the men I want in my life feel good about me allowing him to do it for me even though I am perfectly capable. He doesn’t have to but he wants to because it makes him feel good. The men I like also appreciate the femininity of a woman. To be honest, I sometimes struggle with this because I am independent and often femininity is a sign of weakness (in business, for example). But, I do try and it takes a lot of work.
At the very least, I want someone who offers. I may or may not accept, it depends on the situation. In the event that I’m meeting someone at a coffee shop and I am running late or he is very early, I do not expect him to wait for me (it’s really nice if he waits, however, and it is noticed), but I do expect him to offer to purchase my coffee. At this point, unless he is already standing up and walking to the counter with me, I tell him no thanks and get my beverage on my own. Often, if someone beats me to the location they will call or text and let me know they have arrived and then offer to get something for me. If someone asks me out, I expect him to pay. If I am dating someone and I tell him I want to take him to some awesome place for dinner, I will pay (or offer to). Obviously, if it’s a celebration (his birthday, a promotion, etc.) I will pay then as well.
I’ve never had a situation where the man did not pay my way and no, I did not have to twist any arms. The occasional first-date/meeting coffee, sure, a couple times (OK, there were three times total that a first meeting did not purchase my coffee and once when I bought frozen yogurt because my date drove quite a ways to meet me and I drove a mile and it was all because of my crazy schedule at the time — the only one that made it to first date territory was the latter). But never has a real date or meal even been negotiated.
My friends who go out with men who don’t pay are perpetually single. They are the types of women who accept DVDs on the sofa as a date. They get the pump and dump a lot. The men they go out with are quite a bit younger and are not successful — lazy turds. Or, they are successful and young, but they are douchebags who end up doing really shitty things in the end. In other words, they are not relationship material and usually have nothing going for them but their looks. Point being, always an issue or drama involved with these guys.
I’ve had a lot of first dates. I’ve dated a lot of men. I’ve had some bad luck and some good luck. But, I’ve never, ever gone out with someone younger than me (well, once, but he was only a year younger and a tenured professor — so he was old for his age). I’ve never gone out with a loser. I’ve never gone out with a real douchebag (mild douchebags, sure, but nothing like I’ve seen my friends go out with). I’ve never gone out with a gym-rat in love with his own reflection. I’ve never gone out with a total cheapskate — rich or poor. I’ve never gone out with a mysogynist. And, I’ve never paid for a date. Coinsidence?
Then there is the part about how men pay and women just show up. Sorry, but women don’t just show up. We have to “get ready” which is not only labor-intensive, but expensive. While men go bald, get wrinkles, and let their bellies grow when they turn 40, we are busting our asses at the gym, giving up cookies and bread, and paying thousands of dollars each year to look younger and better. We’re not really doing it for ourselves or for other women, we are doing it to attract or keep men. On top of that, we know men love to have their egos stroked so we smile and tell them that their dicks are amazing when they are not, that their wrinkles and gray hair make them look distinguished and not old, and that their belly really isn’t that big. And, we hope that when they finally make it in the business world, they won’t dump us for someone younger.
Yeah, sometimes I’ll go out with someone and afterward say, “Well, at least I got a free meal out of it!” Really, it’s a joke. And frankly, the only time I say that is when I end up going out with a man who blatantly lied about his appearance or age or who ended up being kind-of a jerk, or who was such a disappointment that it was the only thing I could say to not make me feel bad about the whole waste of a night. Frankly, I’d rather buy my own meal, eat alone, and enjoy the company of myself and my dog.