Three date night

For some reason (probably PMS) I have been missing Cutie a lot. Why I keep wasting my time and energy on someone who A. doesn’t want me, and B. wouldn’t have been the best move relationship-wise if he did, I do not know. But as Cutie used to always tell me, feelings are what make us human. So, I guess that’s my issue — I’m human.

Yesterday I moped around all day feeling sorry for myself. I decided that going for a run would help. I ran a short distance and felt a tad bit better. As soon as I stepped out of the shower I felt pretty blah again. I ended up driving to the store and getting a pint of Ben & Jerrys and a bottle of Magic Shell. I watched a rom com and gorged. It’s been so long since I’ve done that. It was disgusting.

When I get this way I don’t want to see anyone or do anything, but this behavior just makes things worse. Intellectually I know this and fight with myself to get motivated to make it better instead of wallowing in it. Instead of cancelling on the guy I was supposed to have coffee with this morning, I went through with it. I also accepted two additional invitations to meet men from Match.com as well as a movie invite from my girlfriend.

The first guy was someone who contacted me awhile back. He seemed nice enough and we had some things in common. When I showed up at the coffee shop on time, he was already there and drinking a coffee. I thought it was rude that he didn’t wait for me. We talked and I found him to be awkward and his photos were way better than he looked in real life. His eyeballs looked like they were about to pop out of his head and I found it really distracting. His personality was not stellar. When he told me he was going on a mission this summer, I knew for certain he was not the guy for me. I can just imagine the judgement in his bug-eyes while listening to my stories of debauchery. Afterall, I want someone I can be myself around, someone who will think it’s his great fortune that I am well-practiced in giving blowjobs and silently thanks all of the men before him who taught me so well (half joking, half not).

After coffee I high-tailed it an hour east to go on a hike with my dog. I decided I really needed to get out and thought I should take my best bud somewhere fun. Another guy I’d been talking to wanted to get together and I jokingly told him to meet me at the trail head and he agreed! Of course, I told my best friend where I was, all of the stuff I knew about him, and then texted his vehicle information and license plate to her. I’m not paranoid, but it doesn’t hurt to be careful when you agree to hang out in the woods with a strange man. We spent about three hours on the hike and I really think he’s cute, nice, and funny. When we were parting he said he was largely out of town for the next two weeks. I do hope he asks me out again, but I won’t hold my breath.

When I got back onto the freeway I called date number three (this guy!) who wanted to take me to dinner. We were going to Asian food so it would be quick, easy, and inexpensive. A good choice for a first meeting. We firmed up our plans and I raced home, showered, touched up my make-up and hair (luckily it was an easy hike), brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and drove to our meeting spot.

Why did I decide to meet him after all? Well, before I met Cutie in person, for various reasons I was not convinced that I really liked him. I thought he was cute and he was an OK guy, plus he was comfortable to be around, but it was certainly not a love at first sight situation. Knowing that you just never know, I decided to take a chance. I’m glad I did. While he did mention his ex and his relationship with her, this time I spoke up about it. If we go out again, I will proceed with caution. But, I have the feeling that the situation is more about the difficulty of not succeeding than anything else. He’s had a lot of successes and I can tell he gets what he wants, or at least tries, so this was a failure and that bothers him. The meal was nice and he was kinda fun. He’s cute, too. He has already texted to feel me out about seeing him again and I probably will.

After our meal, I drove to the theater to meet my friend, watched the movie, then drove home. Long, tiring day, but definitely helped me get my mind off of Cutie a little. I go into each new meeting hoping I will find in him what I found in Cutie. I know that’s no way to do this and I am setting myself up for failure by doing so. Hopefully things will change or get better soon. I’m sure they will. It will just take some time.

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21 thoughts on “Three date night

  1. Have to say, I know of no one, male or female, who waits around at a coffee shop for a date before ordering coffee. It’s not like getting dinner together. It’s not even like meeting at a bar. Coffee dates are supposed to be informal meet and greets.

    Glad the other dates went well though. Hope one of them works out.

      • I’ve done this at coffee shops and bars. If I get there early, I don’t want to sit around fiddling with my phone. If someone was put off by that, I don’t think we would be a good match anyway because I just don’t see why this is offensive.

  2. I’d wait around to order coffee… I wait for my friends at coffee shops before ordering and I sure as hell would wait around for a date!!! I’m glad you got out of the house too! It definitely helps!

  3. Regarding the coffee– did he offer to buy your coffee once you arrived? If yes, it is fine that he had already ordered. If he did not offer, not only is he not a gentleman, he is also cheap. Not a good sign.

      • If you had liked this guy, odds are you wouldn’t have made a big deal about this. Some women are too attached to the idea that men need to pay for dates in order to prove their interest or worth. This is 2012. Not 1952. A lot of us men are paying not because we are gentlemen, but because we don’t want to be rejected solely for not paying. A guy might pay the bill simply to get sex. He might pay the bill to not get rejected for a second date, but still might be unsure about seeing you over the long run. Or he might really be interested, and is showing that by paying. And some actually believe that the man is supposed to pay – that’s definitely something which differs regionally and across the urban/rural divide. But you don’t really know if you’ve just met someone. It’s just a bunch of guessing.

        I’m much more likely to offer a friend something because we know and care about each other. Furthermore, if I’m on a date with someone I know from another context, then I’m also more likely to offer to buy something because I care about the connections present (like if she’s a friend of a friend, I want to care for my connection with my friend, even if I’m not interested in continuing to date her friend.) With online dating, I usually have no connection with the person I’m going out with. The majority of the time, there’s one meeting and then you never see each other again. I am always respectful, and make the effort to have a good conversation, regardless of my level of interest. But it’s nothing like traditional courtship was like in the past. Where you met a girl or guy in your neighborhood, at a church or spiritual community, or somewhere else where you had lots of ties to each other to consider. Plus the fact that men were actually the financial breadwinners, whereas today we are all working and earning money.

        So, if you want to reject and judge men on first dates solely based on whether they buy you something or not, go ahead. I’m just pointing out that it really doesn’t help you find a good partner, and probably is leading to rejections of men who could be good partners.

      • Reply to Nathan: you sound just like a male friend of mine who is a long term single. He is nice guy, good job, really looking for someone. Has been looking for years. He is really cheap (I have been out to dinner with him, not a fun time.) Say all you want about it being 2012 but he is still single.
        To me, cheapness is not about paying or not paying for a coffee. It is about a lack of generousity in spirit.

      • Thank you. I totally agree.

        Jill. I have had plenty of relationships, short and long term. I’m not perpetually single, and no one I have dated has ever accused me of being ungenerous in spirit either.

        I don’t really understand your comment about going to dinner with your friend. It “wasn’t fun” – why? Because he wouldn’t pay for you? Is that what you expect male friends to do as well?

        I don’t know why your friend is still single, but it’s got to be a lot more than simply because he’s not paying for dates. You blame him in a simplistic way, but I bet you’d be pissed if a man blamed you – or another woman who was single – in a simplistic manner.

      • It was not fun because he was no fun– no drinks, no starters, no dessert. He just wanted to order his entre and that is it! I felt like I was out with a senior at early bird. And no, I don’t except my male friends to pay for me— however i do except my husband to pay for dinner!
        The reason why I blame his singleness on his cheapness is because it is so damn unsexy!!! Say all you want about it being 2012– no woman wants a wet blanket for a lover.
        I am his friend because we both are interested in classical music– something my husband is not.
        I set him up with a friend– they had perviously at my house and then they went night after work for dinner.
        My friend drove over an hour in rush hour traffic to his area. She was actually not hungry, there had been an event at her work- but wanted to keep the date. At dinner, a very causal, inexpensive place, he had a full meal and she just a side salad.
        My friend is about 43, very good stable, long term stable job with the city. He would love to have kids. My friend is 35, just started work as a social worker. He makes way more than her.
        The bill came- my friend asked how much her share was ” to be polite”. He replied ” oh just put in in $5 for the salad (which was $4.95) I’ll pay the rest.”
        She was kind of shocked he accepted the money.
        He wanted to see her again– she told me she could just not imagine having sex with him.
        End of the story- two years later– she is married, he is still single.
        Sorry– cheapness is just not a good quality.

      • To Jill – it’s not his cheapness that’s unappealing. I rarely, if ever do appetizers and dessert. I’m not made of money and I don’t expect anyone else to pay for the extras they don’t really want to pay for either. This guy just sounds like a drag to be around and no fun, not because he doesn’t want to pay but because he seems to rushing through the meal/interaction to get home and back to being by himself.

        And I’ve been reading Nathan’s stuff for years. He is definitely NOT lacking in generosity of spirit. I can’t speak for him, but I choose not to take into account dollars spent as a proxy for how generous a person is. Times are tough for everyone! There are plenty of ways to be generous that don’t involve paying for dates.

  4. I’d say you’re pretty damn lucky to have 3 dates in one day. It’s been over 2 years since my “cutie” decided to gain more “experience” and not one date; the problem with small mountain towns.

  5. Becoming a goddess at giving blow jobs will pay off in spades. You will have your pick of men once they become aware of your abilities. I’m certain I will never have a cranky middle-aged man on my hands, as some have a tendency to become, because giving a great blow job to my husband is the ultimate attitude adjustment.

  6. I just stumbled upon your blog and I love how open and blunt you are. I have a friend who is going through eHarmony and some of her dates sound like yours. Yes, I agree, good blowjob skills make a difference. 🙂

  7. Pingback: So, let’s talk about men paying on dates . . . | 36 and Single

  8. Interesting stuff. On the topic of ordering at a coffee shop if you arrive first – I would not be offended if he ordered before I arrived, and would definitely appreciate it if he offered to buy my coffee, but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker if he didn’t. However, if I arrived first, I would go ahead and order. I’d be afraid that if I waited for him, it would look like I was expecting him to pay – and I don’t want someone’s first impression of me to be colored by that.

  9. Pingback: No love | 36 and Single

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