For some reason (probably PMS) I have been missing Cutie a lot. Why I keep wasting my time and energy on someone who A. doesn’t want me, and B. wouldn’t have been the best move relationship-wise if he did, I do not know. But as Cutie used to always tell me, feelings are what make us human. So, I guess that’s my issue — I’m human.
Yesterday I moped around all day feeling sorry for myself. I decided that going for a run would help. I ran a short distance and felt a tad bit better. As soon as I stepped out of the shower I felt pretty blah again. I ended up driving to the store and getting a pint of Ben & Jerrys and a bottle of Magic Shell. I watched a rom com and gorged. It’s been so long since I’ve done that. It was disgusting.
When I get this way I don’t want to see anyone or do anything, but this behavior just makes things worse. Intellectually I know this and fight with myself to get motivated to make it better instead of wallowing in it. Instead of cancelling on the guy I was supposed to have coffee with this morning, I went through with it. I also accepted two additional invitations to meet men from Match.com as well as a movie invite from my girlfriend.
The first guy was someone who contacted me awhile back. He seemed nice enough and we had some things in common. When I showed up at the coffee shop on time, he was already there and drinking a coffee. I thought it was rude that he didn’t wait for me. We talked and I found him to be awkward and his photos were way better than he looked in real life. His eyeballs looked like they were about to pop out of his head and I found it really distracting. His personality was not stellar. When he told me he was going on a mission this summer, I knew for certain he was not the guy for me. I can just imagine the judgement in his bug-eyes while listening to my stories of debauchery. Afterall, I want someone I can be myself around, someone who will think it’s his great fortune that I am well-practiced in giving blowjobs and silently thanks all of the men before him who taught me so well (half joking, half not).
After coffee I high-tailed it an hour east to go on a hike with my dog. I decided I really needed to get out and thought I should take my best bud somewhere fun. Another guy I’d been talking to wanted to get together and I jokingly told him to meet me at the trail head and he agreed! Of course, I told my best friend where I was, all of the stuff I knew about him, and then texted his vehicle information and license plate to her. I’m not paranoid, but it doesn’t hurt to be careful when you agree to hang out in the woods with a strange man. We spent about three hours on the hike and I really think he’s cute, nice, and funny. When we were parting he said he was largely out of town for the next two weeks. I do hope he asks me out again, but I won’t hold my breath.
When I got back onto the freeway I called date number three (this guy!) who wanted to take me to dinner. We were going to Asian food so it would be quick, easy, and inexpensive. A good choice for a first meeting. We firmed up our plans and I raced home, showered, touched up my make-up and hair (luckily it was an easy hike), brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and drove to our meeting spot.
Why did I decide to meet him after all? Well, before I met Cutie in person, for various reasons I was not convinced that I really liked him. I thought he was cute and he was an OK guy, plus he was comfortable to be around, but it was certainly not a love at first sight situation. Knowing that you just never know, I decided to take a chance. I’m glad I did. While he did mention his ex and his relationship with her, this time I spoke up about it. If we go out again, I will proceed with caution. But, I have the feeling that the situation is more about the difficulty of not succeeding than anything else. He’s had a lot of successes and I can tell he gets what he wants, or at least tries, so this was a failure and that bothers him. The meal was nice and he was kinda fun. He’s cute, too. He has already texted to feel me out about seeing him again and I probably will.
After our meal, I drove to the theater to meet my friend, watched the movie, then drove home. Long, tiring day, but definitely helped me get my mind off of Cutie a little. I go into each new meeting hoping I will find in him what I found in Cutie. I know that’s no way to do this and I am setting myself up for failure by doing so. Hopefully things will change or get better soon. I’m sure they will. It will just take some time.