It’s Monday and it’s time to turn over a new leaf.
For the record, I do not believe that Cutie has a girlfriend. It’s possible, but things don’t add up. What I suspect is that after I told him I had feelings he felt awkward and guilty, perhaps the passion fizzled a little because it complicated things, and the situation lost it’s “edge.” Cutie is pretty sensitive and has a very guilty conscience. He is also very emotionally unavailable, afraid, and damaged. Finally, he knows I’m in a different place now and was seeing him because I liked him, not just for fun sexual times, and I don’t think he felt good about it, even if I claimed I was fine. Knowing what I know about Cutie, if someone is affected negatively, he can’t do it because he doesn’t feel good about it. I won’t go into details. If what I believe is true, I understand why he did what he did.
I know that Cutie, had things clicked between us, would not have been an ideal partner. I was actually a little afraid that he might like me back. But I decided to go with it, to take the chance, based on how I felt. He is a great person but probably not a great partner, not for me. There are pieces of him that I do hope to find in my next relationship, however. And, as mentioned before, he taught me a lot about myself and about what I’m looking for. The situation also reminded me that going for someone or a situation that is not healthy is a weakness of mine that I need to try to work on.
This thing, this break-up I guess, was a good thing. I would have continued seeing him which may have skewed my overall goal of finding a healthy relationship. He would have been safe and he would have quenched my thirst for affection, attention, and sex to the point where I may not have gone out with certain men so as to not have to put forth the effort or deal with potential disappointment. What I was doing was not what I wanted, ultimately. Because I am in a different place now, it probably would have started to make me feel bad, used, sad, and more alone than if I had no one at all.
I’m not going to ask him about the relationship, accuse him, or thank him. I’m sure that if we contiue to be friends, and I hope we do, it will all come out into the open one day. Right now, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that I learned and am moving on, with some knowledge and insight about myself and what I’m looking for.
We have been in touch. Very light-hearted. It’s difficult to remember to keep the sex stuff out of our texts, but it will get easier over time. I have not heard from my Original FWB and don’t expect to. And, I have heard from Runner. He’s back from his trips this week and may be trying to butter me up to go out with him or have sex with him or maybe he just wants the dish he left at my place back. Who knows? I’m sure things will come up, one way or the other. And, I just have to tell him that while I like him, I’m looking for a boyfriend. At that, he’ll likely run for it, and that’s OK, too.
I have some dates lined up this week. I’ve decided that I have two nights per week for first meeting dates and that’s it. Real dates can happen over the weekend, but just one per weekend. I’m trying really hard to not get burned out this time. Dating a lot is tiring and I suppose I’m easily annoyed. I don’t like having the same conversation over and over and find it a little exhausting to talk that much.