I’m not a numbers person but I am highly analytical and I want answers. I want 1 + 1 to equal 2 and it if doesn’t, I need to know why. But wait, doesn’t 1 + 1 always equal 2? I don’t understand. Why not this time? And so it goes.
I understanding that feelings are not quantifiable. It’s one of those things that just is and knowing why is not always important. It’s not always about me. Sometimes it’s about him. And sometimes we just can’t explain it. Either way, it doesn’t matter in the end, we just need to move on and stop dwelling, stop beating ourselves up, stop making ourselves crazy. We need to let it go.
I’m pretty good at going with the flow when things are going well, but when I can’t understand something, it drives me batshit crazy. I’m also bad about comparing myself to someone else. In my own head Cutie’s girlfriend is tall, leggy, large-breasted, young, smart, sweet, nurturing, funny, and amazing. In reality she could be anything or anyone.
When I went to drinks with my Original FWB last night, I was expecting to hear about his new girlfriend and I was curious about her, I will admit. He’d told me a thing or two about his situation. She is so psychologically damaged that sex is off the table until she works things out. She can have sex with someone she doesn’t care about but is in aggressive therapy to help her with the rest. Six months, no sex. I thought that was why he’d contacted me.
We met at the bar and hugged. He seemed pretty happy to see me and told me I looked and “felt” great. Over drinks and a bite to eat, she was all he could talk about. She has some major issues, emotionally, physically, mentally, and so forth. She is smart and she is successful in her career. Obviously, I don’t know her, so she could be the nicest person ever. In my head, she was a knock-out. Why else would someone put up with this or get involved with someone like this? It’s not like he’s ugly, stupid, unsuccessful, a jerk, etc. He is a great catch!
As we were wrapping things up, he asked me what I should tell her. I told him to tell her the truth. He said the truth was that if he wasn’t in a relationship with her, he’d want to have sex with me. I told him that if he wasn’t in a relationship with her, there were probably a number of women he’d like to have sex with and since he is in a relationship, it’s nothing to worry about. But still, he got weird and anxious and uncomfortable. I asked him if he was ready to go and we walked out, hugged good-bye, and went to our respective cars. I sent him a text afterward and have heard nothing from him.
When I got hom I looked her up because I had to know and she pretty much looks like any woman on the street. It’s not that I have feelings for my Original FWB, but I’m in a weird place right now, trying to figure it all out. When really, I should just “be” and not worry about it. However, this puts me in a bad headspace for my date tonight. I should cancel, but I’m all dressed up and it’s Friday, so I will go with it and just hope my brain can relax and my attitude improve.