Last night right after work I ran to my favorite store to buy a dress and shoes I’ve been waiting to go on sale for months. It was my lucky day — they had my size in both. While there, I also bought a cute pair of pants on sale. I had coupons and I saved tons of money!
The sun was shining and it was warm but not too warm, so I went for a run. After my run I played outside with my dog whose happiness is contagious. You will all be glad to hear that I washed my hair. I ate a good dinner while watching one of my favorite shows on Netflix, vacuumed, painted my nails, read my book, and had a nice night of rest. Today, I did my hair and dressed in my new pants, a pair of shoes I hadn’t worn yet, a new jacket, and a new blouse.
I’m feeling better, but I still can’t help but think about things and how I wished they were. I read about all of the “desperate” and “pathetic” women who have FWB relationships with men when they wish they had more, the things they do, and the way it ends. Granted, my relationship with Cutie started off very unattached and it wasn’t a backdoor way into his heart. I was in a different place at the time. But, as my feelings for him, and my readiness for a relationship progressed, I found myself doing some things that embarrass me now.
I tried to make myself what I thought he wanted in a girlfriend so that one day he’d wake up and realize that we should give this thing a shot. The irony is that the woman he is with is not what he said he wanted. So there I was, trying to be his everything when someone else was just herself and drew him in anyway. It goes to show, and I know I’ve said it a million times, it’s the it, nothing more, nothing less. I could be his everything if only he’d let me, but the bottom line is that if someone wants you they want you, if they don’t, they don’t. And, it’s important to be yourself and not apologize for it. If they like you enough they will make concessions and if they don’t, well, it never mattered anyway.
I’m beginning to feel like Cutie never really was my friend. I feel like perhaps everything we had was all because he wanted to keep his status as my sex buddy. I know I took the place of a girlfriend, without the work or the commitment, for awhile. Now that he has a girlfriend, I’ve been replaced as not only a lover, but a friend. I don’t hear from him at all anymore. I’m hopeful that perhaps that friendship will come back once we’ve had some space and his relationship settles into something more of a routine. I won’t hold my breath.
In that vein, I’m seeing my Original FWB this evening after work to catch up. I truly hope this isn’t about trying to get in my pants. If it is, I’ll know that he was never my friend. I will be sad about it, but it will be another lesson learned. I feel like men think about sex with their women friends, even if they would never act on it. Once they have had sex, I think the conquest is over and the men are not as interested, even in a friendship. Perhaps I’m wrong, but ironically, my only true guy friends are men I haven’t slept with even if I have dated them. And the men I have slept with can’t be my friends — they only sniff me out when they are single and horny or completely ignore me.
Otherwise, I’m getting back on the horse. I have a date on Friday.