And yeah, it hurts. Pretty bad, I might add.
I was having a late dinner with a girlfriend when I mentioned to her that I hadn’t heard from Cutie in about a week, which is rare for us as we usually talk several times a day, minus a day here and there. I knew he was out of town for work, but since he’s always state-side it’s never that much of an issue. But, I felt our connection weaken a little after I told him I had feelings for him, so I thought maybe there was an awkwardness that needed to be given some time, so I didn’t reach out to him.
Immediately after mentioning it to her, I heard my phone vibrate and the three-part text came in. He’s met someone and agreed to monogamy with her. The relationship is very new. A few weeks ago we were talking and I asked him what he’d do if he fell in love and the woman asked him to be exclusive with her. He said that if she would not accept non-monogamy, it meant they had different values, it wouldn’t work out, and they would not be compatible. I guess he’s really, really in love. Of course, I did not mention this contradiction, just wished him my very best — and meant it — and hoped that we could maintain a friendship.
It’s not about feeling like I lost a romantic connection or was rejected. It’s more about having a special relationship and having to let it go even though nothing bad happened between us. And it’s about grieving my loss. It’s about one of the best relationships of my life being based on sex and now that cord has been cut because he’s in a relationship. I wish we never had sex. I wish we were just good friends who met at work so we could go to lunch and he could tell me all about the new girl and I could ask for relationship advice or something. I wish this was just about something good happening in his life and me being happy for him.
Cutie was special because he was warm and honest. He was not afraid to say what had to be said. He’s the most authentic human being I’ve ever met. He was imperfect and he was humble, but he was perfect to me. Being around him made me want to be more like him. I think I’ve said it before, but friends are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I am not religious and I don’t believe in fate, but something drew me to Cutie, and him to me, and my relationship with him has been like therapy. It was perfect timing. I learned that it’s OK to be honest with yourself and with others even if it feels weird; you can show hurt and pain and all of your humanness even though it’s uncomfortable; you don’t have to play games with people and that never gets you anywhere anyway; you can be nice and warm without being weak; you don’t always have to be tough and the people who care won’t be turned off if you show your vulnerable side; and even people who are broken deserve a chance.
As soon as I read his texts I lost my appetite and sulked in the restaurant while my friend tried to cheer me up. I wanted to cry, but that would have been embarrassing. So, I waited until I was on my way home and belted out some sad tunes while I cried it out in my car. It felt pretty good. When I got home I tossed and turned, and finally fell asleep only to be woken by Cutie’s texts this morning about how of course we can stay friends, etc. He’s a guy in a new relationship so the chances of truly being friends are slim, but I’ll do what I can to keep in touch. If the relationship doesn’t work out, I’ll be there for him, but I think our days of being FWBs are over. I couldn’t deal with this again, and frankly, I’m figuring out that it’s not wise to get overly-involved with men who are emotionally unavailable or who want sex but not the rest of the relationship. It just causes pain in the end.
If that wasn’t heartache enough, a guy I met from Match yesterday afternoon sent me a text this morning to tell me he wasn’t intersted. That hurt a little bit. No word from Runner. And, finally, my Original FWB is sniffing around as of late. He’s being weird and cryptic and I have a feeling he just wants sex. I’ve agreed to meet him for dinner, as we are friends, but there will be no sex and if he can’t just be my friend and not try to get in my pants, then we won’t be friends anymore, either.
In a year, this is the first time I’ve truly been alone. I felt a little panicky about it last night. I suddenly felt really lonely and a little scared. When I left The Ex last May we had an understanding that it might not be the end, and then I met my Original FWB within a month of leaving The Ex, and during that time I ended things for good with The Ex. My Original FWB and I were hot and heavy for awhile and then I was also big into online dating for a bit. I met Cutie in December and things have been hot with him since then. I “broke-up” with my Original FWB in February and in March I met Runner, but I also still had Cutie to keep me company. Runner and I are clearly over and now Cutie is gone. That leaves me completely alone.