Weakness

I used to believe that being in a relationship or wanting to be in a relationship was a sign of weakness. That’s one of the reasons it’s been difficult (no, make that impossible) for me to communicate to a man that I want a relationship. Even if a guy is pouring it on, I’m reluctant to “give in”. Sure, I’m probably afraid of feeling vulnerable and all that, but mostly I don’t want to feel like I lost. Relationships have always been about the chase and the competition. That’s why they never last for me. I’m stubborn, I’m always trying to win, I yearn to be chased, I want to be less emotionally involved in order to have the upper hand. That is so unhealthy. To want a relationship with someone is human, not a mental illness. My closest friends say to me, all the time, “It’s OK. You are human.” Now I get it.

It’s taking a very counscious effort for me to be open, warm, and emotionally available with the men and potential men in my life. It’s hard. But, it makes me feel better. Just like exercising and eating right. I’ve started emailing men online (with no luck, I might add) against my better judgement (it’s never lead to an actual date). Hopefully it’s worth it in the end — putting myself out there, the rejection, and the embarrassment of liking someone and not being liked back.

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