One of the reaons I have this blog is because I hate talking about stuff with the person I’m supposed to talk to about it. My friends, they are OK, but some are all “dump that mother-fucker” and others are “it was probably an honest mistake” so then I feel like a pussy if I don’t dump the guy and a jerk if I do and . . . oh the conflct!
Yesterday about five minutes after I submitted my post I received a text from Runner to say hi and that he hopes I’m having a great weekend. Ooookaaay . . . I thought about what to do next and I considered not texting him back or saying something bitchy, but that would just make me look bad and it would be me protecting myself by being an asshole, not to mention game-playing. In my attempt to grow up and be authentic I told him I was hurt that I hadn’t heard from him after our date, especially since it was the first time we’d slept together. Well, there was a text or two leading up to that and I only mention it because he seemed perplexed by my texts communicating my unhappiness toward him. He called me right away and I declined the call and gave him an excuse as to why couldn’t talk. But then he couldn’t talk later. We didn’t get to the bottom of anything because they were texts and we both agreed it was not a conversation to have over text messaged. So he said he would call me later.
He called me this morning and left a voicemail saying he was really sorry we couldn’t communicate yesterday and he apologized if I thought he took too long to contact me. Then he said it was two really busy days and Saturday morning was his first opportunitey to get in touch with me. Over text he also said I could’ve contacted him. He said he wanted to talk to me about it all and that he hopes to hear from me soon.
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s not that I’m mad or upset that he didn’t call and I don’t think he’s a prick for not calling. I just think it tells me a lot about where I stand and how he feels about me. No time to send a text? That doesn’t sit right with me. But, I need to actually call and talk this out before I jump to conclusions or call it a day.
I’m really uncomfortable talking to him abou it. I don’t like to talk about feelings. If I weren’t trying to be a better person I’d write him off. I would never admit to wanting to be in a relationhip in general because that sounds like weakness to me. It makes me feel vulnerable and unable to be single. It’s hard and it’s scary. My heart has been in my throat all day because I know I need to be a big kid and call him. I thought about emailing him but I can’t do that, either. Ugh, so hard!