If you haven’t noticed already, I’m a deep thinker. I’m always considering, pondering, wondering . . . just thinking about stuff. I try to squeeze meaning out of everything, every experience, both good and bad, and I often think about how those experience have shaped me into the person I am today. Though it doesn’t always take, I thrive to become a better and wiser person from these experiences.
Someone recently said to me that relationships are for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I can look back at most of my past close relationships — friend, coworkers, managers, boyfriends, etc. — and tell you what I’ve learned from each. I have many lifetime friends, too, and the lessons I’ve learned from those relationships probably won’t be as clear since they touch my life on almost a daily basis.
As I mentioned awhile back it’s been a year since I left The Ex and I think about it a lot as I sign a new lease, the weather becomes familiar, and I break out my Spring clothes (well, accessories anyway since most of those clothes no longer fit me). Mostly I think about how “time flies!” but I also think about what that experience taught me and how I’m a different — better, happier — person than I was back then.
Cutie has made a huge impression on me and I truly believe that he brings out the best in me like no one ever has before. I’m not someone who is easy to get close to and I’m not someone who is super social. I’m a bit of a loner, an introvert, but I’m not shy. I’m not open with my feelings. I don’t need a ton of people in my life and I’m not the type to reach out a lot. In fact, it’s rare that I even like people. I can be indifferent or aloof toward others. Not that I mean to be, but I certainly am not considered warm or inviting. With Cutie, I am so much happier, warmer, sweeter, and expressive. I think it’s because he is so much that way that I can’t help but be that way myself. He doesn’t judge me and he calls me out on my crap in the nicest way that I don’t even know he’s doing it until I think about it later. He’s almost woman-like in his nurturing behavior and like a girlfriend, he listens without interjecting his opinion or trying to fix it. Cutie not only makes me see what I’d like to find in someone else, but he makes me want to be that way, too. Being with him makes me feel like being wrapped in a warm, soft, comfortable blanket.
Runner is a lot like me. He is not very warm or inviting. His texts and emails are pretty much all business, and then every once in a while he sends me something sweet. And, sometimes he seems, well, uninterested. He’s very busy and somehow manages to make time for dating. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with him and I’m attracted to him, I’m just not exactly sure where I stand with him. When we went out last he said, “in case it’s not obvious I really like you”. My first thought was, “really?”. When we had our make-out session, he was very warm, passionate, sweet, and affectionate. Like me, I can be someone standoffish but during sex I feel almost over the top affectionate. Overall he doesn’t act like someone who really likes me, but he calls me for dates, he says he does like me, he buys me gifts. Then again, I don’t always act like someone who really likes someone else, either. When men have asked me if I actually liked them and said they didn’t feel it my answer has usually been, “If I didn’t like you I wouldn’t be here.” And that’s when I realized that he was kinda me, in relationships.
I thought about how it made me feel and the answer was basically that if someone like Cutie came along it would be easy for me to say good-bye to Runner. I’m generally not that attracted to men who aren’t into me. I don’t chase. I don’t like how it makes me feel. I don’t want to waste my time. But what about Cutie? Cutie likes me, he just doesn’t want a relationship with me, and I’m not pursuing him. I don’t want to change, but I would like those people in my life to feel good when they are with me. I’m not desperate to keep Runner or anything, but I’m interested in trying to be more inviting overall.
I’m not going to be texting and emailing Runner or asking him when we’re seeing one another again. That’s not my thing. However, I’m going to try to make him feel wanted and feel good around me. I know that some of these things are natural characteristics of people and not natural characteristics of others. It’s not a natural characteristic of me. I’ve got to work at it. Like exercise. Even though it takes commitment and effort, and sometimes it’s kinda hard, the result feels really good.