The weird thing about being content as a single person — financial security, being healthy, feeling attractive, having friends, having hobbies — is that you’re not in a hurry for a relationship and it’s more scary than it is desired. Sometimes I feel relief when a date falls through, when I don’t have any emails in my OKCupid inbox, when communication with a potential suitor dries up. Reading through all of the websites about how dating is supposed to be it seems like this is how a person should react to dating. All . . . whatevs, who cares, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, I love me! On the other hand, it makes me a little sad to be feeling so indifferent about another human being.
I swore this time around I would not be blinded by love. That insane chemistry you feel for someone right away? That’s bullshit. It’s lust. It’s pretty much toxic. Those are never the people you should end up with. A relationship should be built upon similar values, someone’s character, how you feel when you’re with them (always good and like yourself), how they treat you and others, etc. You should not rely on butterflies or hormones. Granted, you should feel love and horny and all that, but these intense feelings for a stranger are for breeding purposes, not for relationships. It makes me insane when people seek this “chemistry”. God damn rom-coms!
I digress . . .
I’m not sure what the point of this post was. I start writing about what I’m looking for and then I think about how I’m not ready for a relationship at all. Unless, of course, that relationship involves my health insurance and man (or woman) with a PhD after their name. I’m so afraid of losing myself and of creating another deep, dark cavern in my life. I’m pretty happy with the way things are, I’m happy with myself, but . . .
I do miss the feeling of being loved. Of being thought about. Of being wanted, as a whole human being, not just the dirty bits. While I’m liking the lack of commitment right now with Runner and the very casual nature of our relationship, I’d give anything to get a text, email or phone call that simply says, “I’m thinking of you.” That would really make my day.
Speaking of Runner, we did not get together this weekend. First it was Sunday night (tentatively) but then it was a no-go. He offered Sunday lunch time and afternoon, but I lied and said I had other plans already. I was thinking we’d have sex as it would be our fifth date. There was somehing about first-time sex in the middle of the day that made me uncomfortable. There’s the awkwardness of me having to leave versus staying the night (not sure I’d stay). And, I guess that after sex it’s time for the “talk” about what you’re doing as far as keeping it casual, being committed, etc. and I’m not ready for the talk, so yeah, I could’ve seen him on Sunday but I panicked and saw it as a way out.
Also, I started having dreams about The Ex again. Mostly, they are about his cheating and me missing his family. I know I’m not over the loss yet.